Sexless relationships / celibacy

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And.....breathe...............................

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Shaz ... your avatar makes me dizzy but oh so hypnotising!!!

Quote by willxx69
I am not good at being brief at the best of times (), but I have experience that is so relevant to this thread I don't think I can ignore it - though it is going to be painful - so here goes:
I have been in a sexless marriage and, for me, it was the most miserable time I have ever experienced. We were happy and certainly loved each other. After just three years of marriage sex had already become very irregular (once or twice a year) and as someone who is very highly sexed that was a problem for me, but I put up with it. Despite sex being only an occasional 'treat' we managed to conceive a son (it is no coincidence that his birthday is exactly 9 months after mine! ). From that moment on sex stopped. No discussion, no explanation. It just stopped. :shock:
***edit - if you want to cut out the detailed history jump to '***' below, or read on - if you dare!
I put up with this reasonably well for the first four or five years (I can't believe it, but I did). My wife was a good mother so I suggested more children but the excuses she used started getting thinner and thinner. Meanwhile, my self esteem was nose diving and I was incredibly frustrated sexually. I was fantasising about almost every woman I met - or even saw. However it stopped at fantasising. I stayed for a number of reasons. I loved my wife; I didn't think that sex should be the be all and end all and she was a good mother to my son. Eventually, after nine years I decided to try and find 'no strings sex'. I joined a website (not this one, but something similar) and after a short while set up a meeting with someone that coincided with a business trip when I was away from home. I am not proud of it, but not ashamed either. I am simply being honest with you all. I made sure that she knew I was married but that the marriage had been sexless for years and I needed satisfaction but had no intention of leaving. She was single but didn't want a relationship. We had a great night together (just the one night). What I didn't know is that, for some years, my wife had been going through my wallet, diary, briefcase, mobile phone and anything else that would let her know whether I was 'seeking solace' elsewhere. Of course, she had not yet found anything because there was nothing to find. As I had made a note of this girl's contact details she found them, contacted her ("F**k off bitch and leave my husband alone!" were the exact words) and then went ballistic at me. I tried to calm her down and, although I couldn't condone what I had done, I tried to make her see that I was only human and that, unless we sorted out 'our problem', something was inevitable sooner or later.
Things went from bad to worse at home. She now made no attempt to conceal that she was checking up on me. Kept calling me a pervert and a sex maniac (in front of our son) and whenever she found a number in my mobile phone that she didn't recognise, instead of confronting me with it (there would have been a perfectly reasonable explanation), she would call the number and demand to know of whoever answered why their number was in her husband's phone! This included business colleagues, customers. You name it.
I knew all of this was to do with her insecurity ("I know you're not getting it at home so I intend to find out where you are getting it from.") and she was terrified I would leave her. If I spoke to anyone female - even at a party in a room full of people - there would be hell to pay when we got home. Eventually the attacks stopped being verbal and became physical. After another three years (twelve and a half in total by now) I said enough was enough and that we had to sort things out. After the "But I am your wife" lecture (which I thought was a bit of a cheek) she said that it was nothing to do with me personally, she just had no sexual desires and that, in any case, friensdship was more important than sex. Although she understood that I had needs she wasn't prepared to discuss it. I tried to put up with things again (simply because I loved her) but she still kept tabs on me and even began to taunt me with it. I felt incredibly unattractive and deeply unhappy. I decided to leave and started to look for new friends and (while we were still separating, I am afraid ops joined this site with a view to catching up on some sex (I figured I had a lot of catching up to do).
*** it's safe to read on from here
I found the attitudes on here so refreshing and started e-mailing people and then met someone - Sappho! :inlove: We hit it off straight away and she helped me enjoy sex again (after all that time I felt guilty and tried to please her without allowing her to please me :oops:). We now have one year old twins and another baby on the way. At the moment, I am in a sexless relationship again - but the circumstances are entirely different. Given my history, Sappho is worried about me 'going without' and has actively encouraged me to meet other people. So far I haven't because I know that this is a temporary situation. However, we HAVE discussed what would happen if our sex life stopped permanently and have agreed that we would not expect the other partner to be celibate. The most important thing is that we talk about it.
Is sex THAT important? Well, I have found that it is vital to wellbeing (for me at any rate). Somebody said about 'walking taller' and they are right. Somehow, it makes me feel whole. I hope that makes sense. If something happened to Sappho I would certainly stay with her as we are so compatible in every way, but I would not go through involuntary celibacy again - and neither would she expect me to. I feel just the same should the situation be reversed.
I have gone on for far too long (as usual) and given away more of myself than I would like (:oops:) but I thought that the background was relevant to the question. I still feel extremely guilty about leaving (I know, I know - but I do! :doh:). I am now extremely happy and well balanced thanks to the most wonderful woman I have ever met! (sorry to go all gooey). Sadly, I have not seen my son since I left as my ex-wife simply won't allow it - but I hope that will change one day.
One post script - our freinds said they didn't want to take sides and would stay in touch with us both, but separately. I thought this was exactly right. I knew that my ex-wife was very hurt by me leaving and I told everyone that she would need her friends. However, she made it clear that she would have nothing to do with anyone if they were going to keep in touch with me and even though they have tried to keep in touch with her she has refused to answer letters or phone calls and has even blanked them in the street if they bump into her!

Quote by willxx69
I am not good at being brief at the best of times (), but I have experience that is so relevant to this thread I don't think I can ignore it - though it is going to be painful - so here goes:

Quote by Freckledbird
If you're in a position where you don't even have to speak when you're with someone, I think that's really special. More than words.

Quote by willxx69
Thank you everyone - but I suspect that's yet another thread I have killed! :doh:

Quote by willxx69
Thank you everyone - but I suspect that's yet another thread I have killed! :doh:
I hope we get some more posts because I think that this is an extremely important topic.
Will