A few years ago I would have never imagined joining a sex related internet community and I used to think online sex chats were only for perverts. Now I don’t know what’s gotten into me but I’m probably heading towards a mini form of mid-life-crisis as I haven’t hit the big 40 yet. Anyway recently someone’s wife walked out just weeks before her big 40 after 13 years of marriage.
Although it was a great shock, I found myself sympathizing with her to some extent with what being married even longer than her. Life sucks and in particular the sex life. I’ve heard a zillion times from married people that their sex life is non existent. It seems weird that people get married only to end up sexually miserable and frustrated having much lesser sex and lousy, boring one at that!
Not surprising there are so many divorces and couple fall out of love because they are no longer sexually attracted to each other to want to enjoy sex. I see movies like ‘American Beauty’ and say, ‘Shit, that’s so true reflection about married life’. I sometimes feel maybe people marry the wrong person in terms of sexual compatibility. Perhaps a man with high sex drive should never marry a woman with much lower sex drive no matter how much he thinks he’s in love because the relationship will only end in tears and frustrations.
For the brave couple, I guess swinging can work to their great benefit, provided they’re able to distance themselves from the emotional engagement of fucking someone other than their partner. For the not so brave, what are the other options? Personally, I think I’d like a brand new man (fitting all your desired attributes) every two years, being newly in love, doing the romance thing, the exciting sex and after the honeymoon period starts to wear off, you get to move on to the next man (e.g. next woman for a man). If only life was that easy and you could move from one man to another as they pass on a conveyor belt.
Thus I think I’ve developed a strange perversion on learning about what other people do to spice up their sex life. I guess I could be a ‘watcher’ of a dogging session, LOL to myself. I’d sure as hell love to go to swinging party just to watch the adult action; even then I’d probably complain the fuck sessions aren’t as visually good as the studio porno ones. I also enjoy listening to other guys stories of their great ‘sexcapades’, yet these guys are never the ones I fancy enough to want to have sex with them. If I did, I wouldn’t be talking to them about sex in the first place. I'm enjoying reading up the erotic stories from this site but sometimes I think there tends to be an exaggeration about cum shallowing. I mean do women really lick everything up? Even pornstars do it half heartedly.
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Sexually Frustrated Married Person
Looks like you have a lot to work through 
As a dedicated watcher, trust me it is better than the movies, however swinging is best with your partner with you. I know this is not always an option...
Anyways regardless of such things, welcome to the forums. I hope you are able to find what you are looking for.
As a dedicated watcher, trust me it is better than the movies, however swinging is best with your partner with you. I know this is not always an option...Anyways regardless of such things, welcome to the forums. I hope you are able to find what you are looking for.
Thanks for a very interesting and thought provoking post, lusty_modesty.
I find myself drawn to your use of the words 'love' and 'sex', you seem to use the two almost interchangably at times, which makes me think the swinging lifestyle might not be right for you. If participating in swinging was to help rather than hinder your marriage, you would both have to be very confident that the swinging was there to fulfill your need for sex, and your marriage was there to fulfill your need for love. Before comitting to anything here, I think you should think long and hard about what it is that you are looking for, casual, meaningless (but very good!) sex or 'Love' with a capital "L".
I'm not about to offer much advice about Love, apart from pointing out the obvious fact that this probably isn't the best place in the world to be looking for it, but as for sex - you're certainly in the right place for that - the whole cornucopia from chaste story-reading right through to the dirtiest perversions are on offer here, to those with the patience to get to know people. If you choose to stick around on the forums and you decide that you are here only for open-minded banter and not for what we euphemistically call 'play', that will be fine with us too. Rule number 2 here (right behind 'no means no') is 'respect people's limits' - and if your limit is the occasional forum post and no more, then so be it.
Welcome aboard!
I find myself drawn to your use of the words 'love' and 'sex', you seem to use the two almost interchangably at times, which makes me think the swinging lifestyle might not be right for you. If participating in swinging was to help rather than hinder your marriage, you would both have to be very confident that the swinging was there to fulfill your need for sex, and your marriage was there to fulfill your need for love. Before comitting to anything here, I think you should think long and hard about what it is that you are looking for, casual, meaningless (but very good!) sex or 'Love' with a capital "L".
I'm not about to offer much advice about Love, apart from pointing out the obvious fact that this probably isn't the best place in the world to be looking for it, but as for sex - you're certainly in the right place for that - the whole cornucopia from chaste story-reading right through to the dirtiest perversions are on offer here, to those with the patience to get to know people. If you choose to stick around on the forums and you decide that you are here only for open-minded banter and not for what we euphemistically call 'play', that will be fine with us too. Rule number 2 here (right behind 'no means no') is 'respect people's limits' - and if your limit is the occasional forum post and no more, then so be it.
Welcome aboard!
wow (and the rest that postie said)
postie....some 1s after your title already as the lengthy poster...
but seriously .....great first post...it must of took some time to get nerve to post your private feelings and all credit to you...
look forward to talking/agreeing/disagreeing in forums soon
PS ...oh yeah... all women love it....they cant get enough....most drink it with sloppy eggs for breakfast dont they???
ill be dissapointed if they dont love the taste of cum ....if that happens to be the case ill never believe anything else i read in the sunday sport..
dargento
beware cool cats magical mystery tours.....specially if your in a camper van
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
postie....some 1s after your title already as the lengthy poster...
but seriously .....great first post...it must of took some time to get nerve to post your private feelings and all credit to you...
look forward to talking/agreeing/disagreeing in forums soon
PS ...oh yeah... all women love it....they cant get enough....most drink it with sloppy eggs for breakfast dont they???
ill be dissapointed if they dont love the taste of cum ....if that happens to be the case ill never believe anything else i read in the sunday sport..
dargento
beware cool cats magical mystery tours.....specially if your in a camper van
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 
Sex God
If all your posts are that long it'll take you .......................................................
erm.......................................
F O R E V E R
to reach two!
:lol: :lol: :lol: Welcome to the rest of your life!
:wink: 
Warming the Bed
Top first post, an well, I know exactly where you are coming from, guess it is al a case, of be patient, and wait and see ...
You have that 'itch' that you feel needs scratching .. but you are asking us to scratch it when you should be asking your partner..
Is swinging for you? .... it sounds to me that you are an intelligent person - your post proves that - but you must now ask yourself: can you have unemotional sex with relative strangers?
Answer that question and see where your road lies. We'll embrace anyone who knows what they want but do not ask us to travel on a journey blindly where only you know where it leads. We have feelings too.
Is swinging for you? .... it sounds to me that you are an intelligent person - your post proves that - but you must now ask yourself: can you have unemotional sex with relative strangers?
Answer that question and see where your road lies. We'll embrace anyone who knows what they want but do not ask us to travel on a journey blindly where only you know where it leads. We have feelings too.
Sex God
Wow, what a brilliant post lusty, let alone it being your first one!........ from two other newbies here as well, welcome to the site.
You will find that people here are not backwards in coming forwards in telling you what they think, but if you find an interesting post you'll find that that in a strange sort of way that the replies to it, whilst they my have different opinons, will all help to give balance to the issue.
I think with a mindset like yours you will find what you are looking for. At the end of the day it may not be swinging, but you will find it none the less, and being here may go some ways in helping you
Once again welcome, come back soon, and we look forward to some more thought provoking posts
You will find that people here are not backwards in coming forwards in telling you what they think, but if you find an interesting post you'll find that that in a strange sort of way that the replies to it, whilst they my have different opinons, will all help to give balance to the issue.
I think with a mindset like yours you will find what you are looking for. At the end of the day it may not be swinging, but you will find it none the less, and being here may go some ways in helping you
Once again welcome, come back soon, and we look forward to some more thought provoking posts
Quote by lusty_modesty
A few years ago I would have never imagined joining a sex related internet community and I used to think online sex chats were only for perverts. Now I don’t know what’s gotten into me but I’m probably heading towards a mini form of mid-life-crisis as I haven’t hit the big 40 yet. Anyway recently someone’s wife walked out just weeks before her big 40 after 13 years of marriage.
Although it was a great shock, I found myself sympathizing with her to some extent with what being married even longer than her. Life sucks and in particular the sex life. I’ve heard a zillion times from married people that their sex life is non existent. It seems weird that people get married only to end up sexually miserable and frustrated having much lesser sex and lousy, boring one at that!
Not surprising there are so many divorces and couple fall out of love because they are no longer sexually attracted to each other to want to enjoy sex. I see movies like ‘American Beauty’ and say, ‘Shit, that’s so true reflection about married life’. I sometimes feel maybe people marry the wrong person in terms of sexual compatibility. Perhaps a man with high sex drive should never marry a woman with much lower sex drive no matter how much he thinks he’s in love because the relationship will only end in tears and frustrations.
For the brave couple, I guess swinging can work to their great benefit, provided they’re able to distance themselves from the emotional engagement of fucking someone other than their partner. For the not so brave, what are the other options? Personally, I think I’d like a brand new man (fitting all your desired attributes) every two years, being newly in love, doing the romance thing, the exciting sex and after the honeymoon period starts to wear off, you get to move on to the next man (e.g. next woman for a man). If only life was that easy and you could move from one man to another as they pass on a conveyor belt.
Thus I think I’ve developed a strange perversion on learning about what other people do to spice up their sex life. I guess I could be a ‘watcher’ of a dogging session, LOL to myself. I’d sure as hell love to go to swinging party just to watch the adult action; even then I’d probably complain the fuck sessions aren’t as visually good as the studio porno ones. I also enjoy listening to other guys stories of their great ‘sexcapades’, yet these guys are never the ones I fancy enough to want to have sex with them. If I did, I wouldn’t be talking to them about sex in the first place. I'm enjoying reading up the erotic stories from this site but sometimes I think there tends to be an exaggeration about cum shallowing. I mean do women really lick everything up? Even pornstars do it half heartedly.
I could so relate to the comments - You couples who do not need extra relationships are very very lucky and perhaps should not moralise about cheating etc as much as you do when those of us who are less fortunate post comments. Sex was great with my partner until just over a year ago but then her sex drive started diminishing without me realising it at first. Let's be honest it happens in more relationships than peoplle will admit. One partner has a higher sex drive than the other. If the difference is marginal both can live with it. If it is very pronounced then one partner becomes very frustrated. It is natural then to wnat to meet another person where they can mutually satisfy their needs. This is healthy - sex is a basic need and drive. Let's have some openess about this. Lets's allow people to find appropriate matches.
I am a striaght guy of 45 who likes intelligent chat, laughs, fun - I want to know if the sexual chemistry will be good , some compatability , as much as I want great sex. I am not a wham bam thank you mam / just a quick shag type of guy. Whether it is a one off or short term a lot of people want respect, trust and openess as well as intersting and stimulating sexual adventures. When it works its great fun. Let's honour that on this site .
Blake45
Quote by Wishmaster
You have that 'itch' that you feel needs scratching .. but you are asking us to scratch it when you should be asking your partner..
Is swinging for you? .... it sounds to me that you are an intelligent person - your post proves that - but you must now ask yourself: can you have unemotional sex with relative strangers?
Answer that question and see where your road lies. We'll embrace anyone who knows what they want but do not ask us to travel on a journey blindly where only you know where it leads. We have feelings too.
I think the Wishmaster speaks a load of bull about unemotional sex with strangers and is disrespectful to the individaul who was brave enough to share he feelings. Good sex can be emotional without the need for commitment - it take some maturity to differentiate between good healthy sex that heightens emotions and a loving realationship - both have their place in life. Orgasms flood us with endorphins which make us feel very happy which is a wonderful emotion - sharing that with another compatible person expereincing the same is wonderful..Blake45
Sex God
Quote by Blake45
You have that 'itch' that you feel needs scratching .. but you are asking us to scratch it when you should be asking your partner..
Is swinging for you? .... it sounds to me that you are an intelligent person - your post proves that - but you must now ask yourself: can you have unemotional sex with relative strangers?
Answer that question and see where your road lies. We'll embrace anyone who knows what they want but do not ask us to travel on a journey blindly where only you know where it leads. We have feelings too.
I think the Wishmaster speaks a load of bull about unemotional sex with strangers and is disrespectful to the individaul who was brave enough to share he feelings. Good sex can be emotional without the need for commitment - it take some maturity to differentiate between good healthy sex that heightens emotions and a loving realationship - both have their place in life. Orgasms flood us with endorphins which make us feel very happy which is a wonderful emotion - sharing that with another compatible person expereincing the same is wonderful..Blake45
If anyone's talking bull Blake45, you are. I didn't read Wishy's post to be direspectful, I thought it was quite supportive actually.
Yes, good sex with a stranger can induce positive emotions terms of making one happy blah blah blah, but the best stranger sex is UNemotional. Think about it hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
Quote by Blake45
You have that 'itch' that you feel needs scratching .. but you are asking us to scratch it when you should be asking your partner..
Is swinging for you? .... it sounds to me that you are an intelligent person - your post proves that - but you must now ask yourself: can you have unemotional sex with relative strangers?
Answer that question and see where your road lies. We'll embrace anyone who knows what they want but do not ask us to travel on a journey blindly where only you know where it leads. We have feelings too.
I think the Wishmaster speaks a load of bull about unemotional sex with strangers and is disrespectful to the individaul who was brave enough to share he feelings. Good sex can be emotional without the need for commitment - it take some maturity to differentiate between good healthy sex that heightens emotions and a loving realationship - both have their place in life. Orgasms flood us with endorphins which make us feel very happy which is a wonderful emotion - sharing that with another compatible person expereincing the same is wonderful..Blake45
Erm..... i think you're totally way off sphere on that one Blake45....... read the words he has written.....
But back to the original subject.... a really first-class thread.... very thought-provoking... and it appears to be bordering on soul-baring.
I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.... mellow out and enjoy SH... there's lots of really nice people on here both on the Forum and in the Chatroom....
equi-princess xxx
Sex God
Quote by Blake45
I could so relate to the comments - You couples who do not need extra relationships are very very lucky and perhaps should not moralise about cheating etc as much as you do when those of us who are less fortunate post comments. Sex was great with my partner until just over a year ago but then her sex drive started diminishing without me realising it at first.
Let's be honest it happens in more relationships than peoplle will admit. One partner has a higher sex drive than the other. If the difference is marginal both can live with it. If it is very pronounced then one partner becomes very frustrated. It is natural then to wnat to meet another person where they can mutually satisfy their needs. This is healthy - sex is a basic need and drive. Let's have some openess about this. Lets's allow people to find appropriate matches.
I am a striaght guy of 45 who likes intelligent chat, laughs, fun - I want to know if the sexual chemistry will be good , some compatability , as much as I want great sex. I am not a wham bam thank you mam / just a quick shag type of guy. Whether it is a one off or short term a lot of people want respect, trust and openess as well as intersting and stimulating sexual adventures. When it works its great fun. Let's honour that on this site .
Blake45
So, did your partner actually have to tell you that her sex drive had diminished?
If the difference becomes very pronounced, the natural thing to do, in my opinion, would be to find out why, and whether I could do anything to help them regain it. I'd argue that it's definitely not the automatic response to want/need to meet another person. Yes, sex is a basic need and drive but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to go elsewhere; you may have to compromise. Regarding openness, does your partner know that you're on here looking for sex? You are asking people on here to be open and trusting with you and not moralise about cheating. OK I accept that there are people on here who cheat and there are people who will play with them. I don't and won't. Don't ask me to agree that cheating is acceptable, because in my opinion, it isn't. I am entitled to that opinion, as you are to yours.
Quote by freckledbird
I could so relate to the comments - You couples who do not need extra relationships are very very lucky and perhaps should not moralise about cheating etc as much as you do when those of us who are less fortunate post comments. Sex was great with my partner until just over a year ago but then her sex drive started diminishing without me realising it at first.
Let's be honest it happens in more relationships than peoplle will admit. One partner has a higher sex drive than the other. If the difference is marginal both can live with it. If it is very pronounced then one partner becomes very frustrated. It is natural then to wnat to meet another person where they can mutually satisfy their needs. This is healthy - sex is a basic need and drive. Let's have some openess about this. Lets's allow people to find appropriate matches.
I am a striaght guy of 45 who likes intelligent chat, laughs, fun - I want to know if the sexual chemistry will be good , some compatability , as much as I want great sex. I am not a wham bam thank you mam / just a quick shag type of guy. Whether it is a one off or short term a lot of people want respect, trust and openess as well as intersting and stimulating sexual adventures. When it works its great fun. Let's honour that on this site .
Blake45
So, did your partner actually have to tell you that her sex drive had diminished?
If the difference becomes very pronounced, the natural thing to do, in my opinion, would be to find out why, and whether I could do anything to help them regain it. I'd argue that it's definitely not the automatic response to want/need to meet another person. Yes, sex is a basic need and drive but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to go elsewhere; you may have to compromise. Regarding openness, does your partner know that you're on here looking for sex? You are asking people on here to be open and trusting with you and not moralise about cheating. OK I accept that there are people on here who cheat and there are people who will play with them. I don't and won't. Don't ask me to agree that cheating is acceptable, because in my opinion, it isn't. I am entitled to that opinion, as you are to yours.
I agree with you, i can never see a reason why cheating could be ok, u hear so many excuses like 'my wife don't understand me' or 'we're only together cause of the kids' and 'i havn't got anywhere else to go' to me none are acceptable reasons to cheat, if you live together as a couple then you should do just that and if your not happy move on, millions of others do it , marrage isn't forever for some people
Quote by naughtynymphos1
I could so relate to the comments - You couples who do not need extra relationships are very very lucky and perhaps should not moralise about cheating etc as much as you do when those of us who are less fortunate post comments. Sex was great with my partner until just over a year ago but then her sex drive started diminishing without me realising it at first.
Let's be honest it happens in more relationships than peoplle will admit. One partner has a higher sex drive than the other. If the difference is marginal both can live with it. If it is very pronounced then one partner becomes very frustrated. It is natural then to wnat to meet another person where they can mutually satisfy their needs. This is healthy - sex is a basic need and drive. Let's have some openess about this. Lets's allow people to find appropriate matches.
I am a striaght guy of 45 who likes intelligent chat, laughs, fun - I want to know if the sexual chemistry will be good , some compatability , as much as I want great sex. I am not a wham bam thank you mam / just a quick shag type of guy. Whether it is a one off or short term a lot of people want respect, trust and openess as well as intersting and stimulating sexual adventures. When it works its great fun. Let's honour that on this site .
Blake45
So, did your partner actually have to tell you that her sex drive had diminished?
If the difference becomes very pronounced, the natural thing to do, in my opinion, would be to find out why, and whether I could do anything to help them regain it. I'd argue that it's definitely not the automatic response to want/need to meet another person. Yes, sex is a basic need and drive but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to go elsewhere; you may have to compromise. Regarding openness, does your partner know that you're on here looking for sex? You are asking people on here to be open and trusting with you and not moralise about cheating. OK I accept that there are people on here who cheat and there are people who will play with them. I don't and won't. Don't ask me to agree that cheating is acceptable, because in my opinion, it isn't. I am entitled to that opinion, as you are to yours.
I agree with you, i can never see a reason why cheating could be ok, u hear so many excuses like 'my wife don't understand me' or 'we're only together cause of the kids' and 'i havn't got anywhere else to go' to me none are acceptable reasons to cheat, if you live together as a couple then you should do just that and if your not happy move on, millions of others do it , marrage isn't forever for some people
Coming to the aid of the married and unhappy, both male and female. People always use inflections that point to the male cheat, there are female cheats out there as well. However forgetting the 'male rights' standpoint, I agree that cheating is not good. I wish everyone was in a happy relationship that matched their needs, and otherwise could leave and find one. Equally abstenance is possible peeps, never easy, some would say bad in itself, but it can be done.
However I also have great sympathy for those whose love life is in trouble. Yes this means the relationship is in trouble, and yes they should try to repair it or consider moving on. However this is one of the hardest areas of human relationships on all concerned, and factors like your children, and maybe your love for your partner mean you are not just going to up and leave.
To some, cheating while being a betrayal, is better than walking out and destroying a family. Yes they are risking the family by their infidelity, but they are playing the risk against a certainty of losing everything if they leave. I think those who chose this path after trying their best (and by this I mean waiting long term, really trying to restart their love lives, and who really love their partners) should not be branded 'bad' people by default.
I do not deny that there are people to whom fidelity is nothing, who never had a concept of trust, and who cheat as they can. Users and abusers. Just remember some of the 'sob stories' are true, and some people are desperately unhappy and in need of companionship, but have damn good reasons not to walk away from their partners.
Well anyone who has read my earlier posts will know that Im somewhat in-experienced at all this, but none the less I'm gonna venture forth.
I feel that many ppl have made valid points during this post but the most valid is that you should be honest with each other. At which point I draw you to the next dilema. WHEN shoudl you be honest??
I myself have never actually swung (everybody please yawn and look away on cue) but am extremely interested by the whole affair etc. Wht troubles me is that there is a girl im getting to know well and want to date, I think she wants the same, the problem is neither of us have discussed sex. Should i say now that im interested in swinging?? or should i wait until more time and effort has been invested in the realtionship, at which point, i may already have a fair idea that she wont be interested, what shoudl i do then?? dump her??
The whole area of broaching the swinging subject to a partener (prospective or current) seems to be a mine feild. Is it really fair to be harsh on someone who may have got it wrong?? and how the hell did all you swinging couples ever get round this???
Ever curious
Mike
I feel that many ppl have made valid points during this post but the most valid is that you should be honest with each other. At which point I draw you to the next dilema. WHEN shoudl you be honest??
I myself have never actually swung (everybody please yawn and look away on cue) but am extremely interested by the whole affair etc. Wht troubles me is that there is a girl im getting to know well and want to date, I think she wants the same, the problem is neither of us have discussed sex. Should i say now that im interested in swinging?? or should i wait until more time and effort has been invested in the realtionship, at which point, i may already have a fair idea that she wont be interested, what shoudl i do then?? dump her??
The whole area of broaching the swinging subject to a partener (prospective or current) seems to be a mine feild. Is it really fair to be harsh on someone who may have got it wrong?? and how the hell did all you swinging couples ever get round this???
Ever curious
Mike
Couldnt have siad it better tallnhairy !!!
So, did your partner actually have to tell you that her sex drive had diminished?
If the difference becomes very pronounced, the natural thing to do, in my opinion, would be to find out why, and whether I could do anything to help them regain it. I'd argue that it's definitely not the automatic response to want/need to meet another person. Yes, sex is a basic need and drive but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to go elsewhere; you may have to compromise. Regarding openness, does your partner know that you're on here looking for sex? You are asking people on here to be open and trusting with you and not moralise about cheating. OK I accept that there are people on here who cheat and there are people who will play with them. I don't and won't. Don't ask me to agree that cheating is acceptable, because in my opinion, it isn't. I am entitled to that opinion, as you are to yours.
I agree with you, i can never see a reason why cheating could be ok, u hear so many excuses like 'my wife don't understand me' or 'we're only together cause of the kids' and 'i havn't got anywhere else to go' to me none are acceptable reasons to cheat, if you live together as a couple then you should do just that and if your not happy move on, millions of others do it , marrage isn't forever for some people
Coming to the aid of the married and unhappy, both male and female. People always use inflections that point to the male cheat, there are female cheats out there as well. However forgetting the 'male rights' standpoint, I agree that cheating is not good. I wish everyone was in a happy relationship that matched their needs, and otherwise could leave and find one. Equally abstenance is possible peeps, never easy, some would say bad in itself, but it can be done.
However I also have great sympathy for those whose love life is in trouble. Yes this means the relationship is in trouble, and yes they should try to repair it or consider moving on. However this is one of the hardest areas of human relationships on all concerned, and factors like your children, and maybe your love for your partner mean you are not just going to up and leave.
To some, cheating while being a betrayal, is better than walking out and destroying a family. Yes they are risking the family by their infidelity, but they are playing the risk against a certainty of losing everything if they leave. I think those who chose this path after trying their best (and by this I mean waiting long term, really trying to restart their love lives, and who really love their partners) should not be branded 'bad' people by default.
I do not deny that there are people to whom fidelity is nothing, who never had a concept of trust, and who cheat as they can. Users and abusers. Just remember some of the 'sob stories' are true, and some people are desperately unhappy and in need of companionship, but have damn good reasons not to walk away from their partners.
Quote by tallnhairy
I could so relate to the comments - You couples who do not need extra relationships are very very lucky and perhaps should not moralise about cheating etc as much as you do when those of us who are less fortunate post comments. Sex was great with my partner until just over a year ago but then her sex drive started diminishing without me realising it at first.
Let's be honest it happens in more relationships than peoplle will admit. One partner has a higher sex drive than the other. If the difference is marginal both can live with it. If it is very pronounced then one partner becomes very frustrated. It is natural then to wnat to meet another person where they can mutually satisfy their needs. This is healthy - sex is a basic need and drive. Let's have some openess about this. Lets's allow people to find appropriate matches.
I am a striaght guy of 45 who likes intelligent chat, laughs, fun - I want to know if the sexual chemistry will be good , some compatability , as much as I want great sex. I am not a wham bam thank you mam / just a quick shag type of guy. Whether it is a one off or short term a lot of people want respect, trust and openess as well as intersting and stimulating sexual adventures. When it works its great fun. Let's honour that on this site .
Blake45
So, did your partner actually have to tell you that her sex drive had diminished?
If the difference becomes very pronounced, the natural thing to do, in my opinion, would be to find out why, and whether I could do anything to help them regain it. I'd argue that it's definitely not the automatic response to want/need to meet another person. Yes, sex is a basic need and drive but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to go elsewhere; you may have to compromise. Regarding openness, does your partner know that you're on here looking for sex? You are asking people on here to be open and trusting with you and not moralise about cheating. OK I accept that there are people on here who cheat and there are people who will play with them. I don't and won't. Don't ask me to agree that cheating is acceptable, because in my opinion, it isn't. I am entitled to that opinion, as you are to yours.
I agree with you, i can never see a reason why cheating could be ok, u hear so many excuses like 'my wife don't understand me' or 'we're only together cause of the kids' and 'i havn't got anywhere else to go' to me none are acceptable reasons to cheat, if you live together as a couple then you should do just that and if your not happy move on, millions of others do it , marrage isn't forever for some people
Coming to the aid of the married and unhappy, both male and female. People always use inflections that point to the male cheat, there are female cheats out there as well. However forgetting the 'male rights' standpoint, I agree that cheating is not good. I wish everyone was in a happy relationship that matched their needs, and otherwise could leave and find one. Equally abstenance is possible peeps, never easy, some would say bad in itself, but it can be done.
However I also have great sympathy for those whose love life is in trouble. Yes this means the relationship is in trouble, and yes they should try to repair it or consider moving on. However this is one of the hardest areas of human relationships on all concerned, and factors like your children, and maybe your love for your partner mean you are not just going to up and leave.
To some, cheating while being a betrayal, is better than walking out and destroying a family. Yes they are risking the family by their infidelity, but they are playing the risk against a certainty of losing everything if they leave. I think those who chose this path after trying their best (and by this I mean waiting long term, really trying to restart their love lives, and who really love their partners) should not be branded 'bad' people by default.
I do not deny that there are people to whom fidelity is nothing, who never had a concept of trust, and who cheat as they can. Users and abusers. Just remember some of the 'sob stories' are true, and some people are desperately unhappy and in need of companionship, but have damn good reasons not to walk away from their partners.
Quote by Shadow_Walker
Well anyone who has read my earlier posts will know that Im somewhat in-experienced at all this, but none the less I'm gonna venture forth.
I feel that many ppl have made valid points during this post but the most valid is that you should be honest with each other. At which point I draw you to the next dilema. WHEN shoudl you be honest??
I myself have never actually swung (everybody please yawn and look away on cue) but am extremely interested by the whole affair etc. Wht troubles me is that there is a girl im getting to know well and want to date, I think she wants the same, the problem is neither of us have discussed sex. Should i say now that im interested in swinging?? or should i wait until more time and effort has been invested in the realtionship, at which point, i may already have a fair idea that she wont be interested, what shoudl i do then?? dump her??
The whole area of broaching the swinging subject to a partener (prospective or current) seems to be a mine feild. Is it really fair to be harsh on someone who may have got it wrong?? and how the hell did all you swinging couples ever get round this???
Ever curious
Mike
Whoa dude! That deserves a thread in its own right! Not tacked onto a thread about cheating etc. Very valid question may I add...
My answer for what it is worth.... it depends on how you approach things. Would you want it to be a swinging relationship from the outset? (probably not likely)
Would you want it to develop into a relationship where you both swing? (possible)
My view is, that if I met someone who wasn't a swinger, depending on the feelings involved, I may end up living a lie if I don't say. I LOVE the openess and honesty involved here. If I had to somehow "go back in the closet"... I wouldn't enjoy it. So personally I would tell them. I wouldn't push it. Just let it be known. After all, if they like you for who you are, part of that is what has brought you here today. If it is unacceptable to them, then it may not be the right person for you, and you for them.
Sexlightened
I think that if you don't at least float the possibility of playing with others at an early stage of a relationship there is a tendency to "bottle out" perhaps from fear of being thought a perv by your partner, or even worse causing them distress and upset. I suppose though that we are all different people so this is going to be a very individual thing. I wanted to try this with my ex but could never really bring myself to talk openly about what I wanted sexually with her, perhaps because of my relative immaturity when we first got together. I can say that every day that I didn't talk about my feelings, the less likely it was that I ever would, and ultimately 10 years down the line had never even really broached the subject apart from a half hearted suggestion we go on hols to Hedo.
Having been through similar experiences to the OP myself (Mr BFC here) I think that people tend not to give their sex life the attention it perhaps deserves. As a guy it seemed somehow natural to drift into erm "self entertainment" and it being the internet age, there are so many sources of stimulation. The trickier question is what began the decline was it a genuine dissatisfaction with my then sex life or was it the allure of something new and exciting which grabbed my attention and increasingly deflected my attention away from a partner who loved and respected me? Was the subsequent tail off in physicality between us a loss of interest on her part or a real attempt to give me what she perceived I wanted (i.e. less "activity"). I can honestly say I have agonised about this question and thinking of this has been quite painful as I began a new relationship which provoked memories of happier times with my ex. As someone who desperately wanted to avoid the mistakes of the past, I have dwelled upon this at considerable length and think I have identified a solution to prevent the same thing happening again.
From my own experience I think relationships reach a tipping point where there is almost no going back, I cannot quite identify when that happened with my ex, but I am sure others will recognise a growing feeling of something not being right when their partner wants to engage in some passionate activity ranging from kissing to sex. I made the decision that ultimately an active sex life was too important to me (no matter how selfish that was) for me to continue a relationship without one. Having identified that and going through a period of counselling to see if my relationship with my ex could revert back to a more "normal" track, I concluded that there was no way that I could feel the same way about my ex even though I loved her a great deal. We did however (despite the upset I caused her) part as friends and remain good friends to this day.
Now Mrs BFC and I only ever play together, I do not watch porn or engage in "DIY" in chat or any other context without her being present, fundamentally I try to anchor sex as being something which always takes place with my partner and not an end in itself. The fact that we are both open and adventurous people also gives us a common "hobby" which I think help to bind us more closely together. Will this be a more successful relationship than my last (10 years) is difficult to tell, but I can guarantee that it won't be for want of trying on my part.
For what its worth we have found that our limited experience of playing with others has been a great experience for both of us, bringing us closer together somehow and giving us lots to talk about while playing together for some time before and after meetings. I have been wondering whether to post my thoughts for a little while, but I have finally been prompted by a chat (in another place) with a married guy looking for cpls so he could effectively cheat on his wife. If someone had been able to warn me of the dangers of my own behaviour early into the decline of my sex life with my ex perhaps my life would be very different now. I don't want to moralise about this because others seem to have done that adequately ;) As I said to him though how can anyone who isn't even honest with the person they profess to love (i.e. his wife) be trusted close to the most important thing in my life (Mrs BFC).
Having been through similar experiences to the OP myself (Mr BFC here) I think that people tend not to give their sex life the attention it perhaps deserves. As a guy it seemed somehow natural to drift into erm "self entertainment" and it being the internet age, there are so many sources of stimulation. The trickier question is what began the decline was it a genuine dissatisfaction with my then sex life or was it the allure of something new and exciting which grabbed my attention and increasingly deflected my attention away from a partner who loved and respected me? Was the subsequent tail off in physicality between us a loss of interest on her part or a real attempt to give me what she perceived I wanted (i.e. less "activity"). I can honestly say I have agonised about this question and thinking of this has been quite painful as I began a new relationship which provoked memories of happier times with my ex. As someone who desperately wanted to avoid the mistakes of the past, I have dwelled upon this at considerable length and think I have identified a solution to prevent the same thing happening again.
From my own experience I think relationships reach a tipping point where there is almost no going back, I cannot quite identify when that happened with my ex, but I am sure others will recognise a growing feeling of something not being right when their partner wants to engage in some passionate activity ranging from kissing to sex. I made the decision that ultimately an active sex life was too important to me (no matter how selfish that was) for me to continue a relationship without one. Having identified that and going through a period of counselling to see if my relationship with my ex could revert back to a more "normal" track, I concluded that there was no way that I could feel the same way about my ex even though I loved her a great deal. We did however (despite the upset I caused her) part as friends and remain good friends to this day.
Now Mrs BFC and I only ever play together, I do not watch porn or engage in "DIY" in chat or any other context without her being present, fundamentally I try to anchor sex as being something which always takes place with my partner and not an end in itself. The fact that we are both open and adventurous people also gives us a common "hobby" which I think help to bind us more closely together. Will this be a more successful relationship than my last (10 years) is difficult to tell, but I can guarantee that it won't be for want of trying on my part.
For what its worth we have found that our limited experience of playing with others has been a great experience for both of us, bringing us closer together somehow and giving us lots to talk about while playing together for some time before and after meetings. I have been wondering whether to post my thoughts for a little while, but I have finally been prompted by a chat (in another place) with a married guy looking for cpls so he could effectively cheat on his wife. If someone had been able to warn me of the dangers of my own behaviour early into the decline of my sex life with my ex perhaps my life would be very different now. I don't want to moralise about this because others seem to have done that adequately ;) As I said to him though how can anyone who isn't even honest with the person they profess to love (i.e. his wife) be trusted close to the most important thing in my life (Mrs BFC).
This is a great thread! Relationships are so complex. Following the break-up of my 17-year marriage, i was celibate for about 4 months. Then when I had sex again - with an old flame - it was mind-blowing. I'd recommend a period of abstinence to anyone for the heightened pleasure it can bring when sexual activity is resumed. On the other theme of playing outside marriage, I have had very different experiences of men who are looking for this. To begin with, I was very anti anyone who felt it was acceptable. However, I quickly realised that it wasn't as simple as that. I have met and had sex with men who continue to remain married - usually because of the kids. But the ones I have had most respect for are those who don't slag off their wives/partners (this being based on knowing that my ex used to do this). In fact, the fellah I team up with to go to Chameleons is married and loves his wife - he has been married for a long time and it's not so much their relationship is flagging, but him wanting some kinky sex. Which I'm more than happy to go along with, because that is what I want too. I'm happier now than I've ever been in the marriage I had - freedom to do what I want and a relationship that is good since there are no demands, but plenty of affection and positive regard. I consider myself to be single and therefore look forward to fun in all kinds of ways! I could only say this stuff on here - so pleased there is this outlet.
