She likes watching threesomes but feels confused....

26 Dec 2005

Hi all !
I've been away for a while as I've got a new gf smile

We are relaly happy together, and I decieded to give up and sort of SW activity. I used to do quite well here a few years ago.
The problem is my partner is saying things which I find confusing.
We like to watch porn movies together, or rather I like it and she loves it ! She really enjoys group sex and threesome scenes, but sometimes if there is any girl girl action she will fast forward through that part. She also claims she finds two men with one woman revolting as well..
I just dont see how group sex / threesomes can turn you on when you have ruled out everything that is part of them as not sexy.
She has said she feels confused as she like watching threesomes, but the thought of me having sex with another woman in front of her really upsets her. I get the feeling there is a sunconcious message here, but I'm not seeing it. She said something about she feels she is lying to herself and perhaps she is just a voyeur.
I want to tread carefuly so as not to crush her fantasies, so I need to be able to read between the lines. But what does she like about threesomes ? Why does she feel bad about it and why has she even considered how hurt she would feel if I had sex with the other woman. I have never said to her I want a threesome....
yours confused,
takingitlsow

26 Dec 2005

Hmm...........she certainly does seem confused, so it's no wonder you are too.
I'm not Bi, and although girl/girl action doesn't bother me, it doesn't do anything for me either so I won't watch it for preference.
If she claims to enjoy the group sexand threesomes scenes, but then says she finds the thought of two guys with a girl disgusting, it could be that she is really turned on by the idea, but THINKS it ought to disgust her, and she is secretly ashamed of her thoughts. After all, we do still live in a fairly straight-laced country, and the general view of Swinging is as something not acceptable. Let's face it...............that's why so many of us keep our lifestyle secret, because we know the way the vast majority of people would react if we told them.
As for not wanting to see you with another woman. I can relate to that. I am the only one out of Pete and myself who has sex with others. He is just the voyeur. It might be that THAT is how your relationship will develop, her being the active one and you just watching or taking part in the MMF's.

26 Dec 2005

She is quite submissive and generally likes me to guess what she wants. I'm really talkative and she isnt. I've asked her about these things and she changes the subject. Its quite difficult. As usual, I am expected to know what she wants.
She wonders if she is a voyeuer, and what she thinks she might be lying to herself is beyond me !

26 Dec 2005

But you know you guys are ALWAYS expected to know what we're thinking biggrin

She might well be a Voyeur.................and there is nothing wrong with that. There are at least two on here that I know fairly well, one male one female................and if that is going to be her thing then maybe Dogging would be really exciting for her.............watching couples without any pressure to join in.

26 Dec 2005

It could be that she enjoys the fantasy, but doesn't want it to become real. There's a lot of things I enjoy fantasising about, but would never (never say never, John) have the courage to do. Some things make a good fantasy but a disasterous reality.
If I was capable of following my own advice, I'd talk with her about the things she enjoys (and is willing to talk about), rather than the things she's not interested in. Over time the list might grow longer, as she gains confidence.
Or I could be talking bollocks.

26 Dec 2005

The problem is is that she wont talk about it. The confesion about threesomes turning her on was a really rare ocurence. She is quite submissive and generally likes me to lead the way.
She is not into anything remotely kinky in bed but has a very high sex drive. She loves porn but girl girl and mmf are off limits and she wont watch them. Other than that she loves porn.
Part of the problem is that she knows I once had a very bad threesome and thats why she was recluctant to tell me that they turn her on. She jusnt isnt sure if she is a voyeur or something else. What the else might be is beyond me as she is TOTALLY closed on the whole subject now.
I have told her fantasies are fantasies and she can tell me anything, but she says she has none and only wants to hear mine....

26 Dec 2005

Quote by Lissa
But you know you guys are ALWAYS expected to know what we're thinking
.

I'm imagining you're thinking about ......
it's coming........
Yes, It's definately coming..........
Oooops redface

I've cum

26 Dec 2005

Sigh... being a mindreader would be helpful !

26 Dec 2005

Quote by takingitslow
Sigh... being a mindreader would be helpful !

knew you were gona say that lol

26 Dec 2005

She is shy about it so it isnt easy !

26 Dec 2005

Quote by takingitslow
The problem is is that she wont talk about it. The confesion about threesomes turning her on was a really rare ocurence. She is quite submissive and generally likes me to lead the way.
She is not into anything remotely kinky in bed but has a very high sex drive. She loves porn but girl girl and mmf are off limits and she wont watch them. Other than that she loves porn.
Part of the problem is that she knows I once had a very bad threesome and that's why she was reluctant to tell me that they turn her on. She just isn't sure if she is a voyeur or something else. What the else might be is beyond me as she is TOTALLY closed on the whole subject now.
I have told her fantasies are fantasies and she can tell me anything, but she says she has none and only wants to hear mine....

i can relate to her in some ways i couldn't express myself sexually with words with my partner i just clamed up and didn't no what to say so my partner asked me to write my fantasy's down instead and i was a bit reluctant to do that's so i asked him to write some down too we then swapped and read them aloud to each other we did this a few times and now i have no problems expressing myself with words.
if you have been in the swinging scene before then tell her all about it get her on these forums then she could get to no some of us, she could find out more about the scene and if its for her or not. it dont have to be all fun swap as we all no, personally i dont play with other men just woman, its all about personal preferences but if she had more info on the whole scene and understood it more then she might be able to understand what she wants and open her up to new ideas.

26 Dec 2005

I'm reading between the lines a bit here, but from what you've said she doesn't seem that comfortable talking about sex.
You say she's got a high sex drive, but she's submissive because she likes you to take the lead.
She likes watching porn.
She's thought abput threesomes.
IMHO I think this could be an issue with upbringing and what she's used to. It seems to me that she has sexual desires that maybe shes embarassed about or feels are wrong.

27 Dec 2005

I am a newbie, so may not be best placed to respond. But I can understand both sides of the situation.
I like the idea of group sex etc, but just seem quite nervous about trying it. The idea is brilliant especially FMF, but there are a lot of unknowns.
I think you should just not push the issue, maybe act a bit more subtle and gently hint at ideas and see how she responds. It may be that she just likes to watch a bit of porn but the idea of actually doing it, does nothing for her

27 Dec 2005

Hmmm, I know what you are all saying. I dont think she is ready for any of this. Only she knows what she wants, but she needs to talk to me. Getting her to open up isnt easy though.

27 Dec 2005

Quote by takingitslow
Hmmm, I know what you are all saying. I dont think she is ready for any of this. Only she knows what she wants, but she needs to talk to me. Getting her to open up isnt easy though.

Could have said something rude there but I won't.
Well like I said, I think you just need to try and make the conversations open up more naturally. DOn't force or push the issue and don't create pressure situations where she feels like she has to answer or open up

27 Dec 2005

Dude,
Watching threesome porn does not translate to wanting to have a threesome any more thaan watching a James Bond film translates to wanting a liscence to kill.
There's no personal involvement between her an the performers in a porn film so of course she can watch them with emotional detachment.
However, you are her lover and she has an emotional attachment to YOU.
Can you blame her for feeling threatened by the idea of bringing someone else into the relationship.
She doesn't feel SAFE.
This is why she is unable to open up to you as she's afraid that you may use anything she says to put her into a compromising position. This may have happended to her in the past.
Let it go for now.
As she feels more SECURE in the relationship she will open up to you but not if you keep bringing up a subject that she's not, for now, comfortable with.
Just my opinion. Maybe a woman can tell me if I'm speaking total bollox or not.

27 Dec 2005

Quote by Greyman
Dude,
Watching threesome porn does not translate to wanting to have a threesome any more thaan watching a James Bond film translates to wanting a liscence to kill.
There's no personal involvement between her an the performers in a porn film so of course she can watch them with emotional detachment.
However, you are her lover and she has an emotional attachment to YOU.
Can you blame her for feeling threatened by the idea of bringing someone else into the relationship.
She doesn't feel SAFE.
This is why she is unable to open up to you as she's afraid that you may use anything she says to put her into a compromising position. This may have happended to her in the past.
Let it go for now.
As she feels more SECURE in the relationship she will open up to you but not if you keep bringing up a subject that she's not, for now, comfortable with.
Just my opinion. Maybe a woman can tell me if I'm speaking total bollox or not.

Not agirl, but my guess is you are spot on

27 Dec 2005

Quote by takingitslow
The problem is my partner is saying things which I find confusing.
We like to watch porn movies together, or rather I like it and she loves it ! She really enjoys group sex and threesome scenes, but sometimes if there is any girl girl action she will fast forward through that part. She also claims she finds two men with one woman revolting as well..
I just dont see how group sex / threesomes can turn you on when you have ruled out everything that is part of them as not sexy.

Possibilty 1 - she really wants to try it but feels that she should be ashamed of that.
Possiiblty 2 - You're assuming she likes watching that but as she fast forwards through it, perhaps she's trying not to seem prudish in your eyes (as you're a former swinger)
Possibilty 3 - she has a voyeuristic nature but doesn't want to recreate what she likes watching in real life.
Using the word revolting is pretty strong for someone who's trying to hide their curiosity!

Quote by takingitslow
She has said she feels confused as she like watching threesomes, but the thought of me having sex with another woman in front of her really upsets her. I get the feeling there is a sunconcious message here, but I'm not seeing it.

Insecurity and/or jealousy - neither of which are easy to shift and swinging will make it a million times worse! Maybe a spade really is a spade and she's simply stating her desire for a monogamous relationship.

Quote by takingitslow
I want to tread carefuly so as not to crush her fantasies, so I need to be able to read between the lines. But what does she like about threesomes ? Why does she feel bad about it and why has she even considered how hurt she would feel if I had sex with the other woman. I have never said to her I want a threesome....

I assume she know that you used to swing? If so, she might feel that she has something to compete with and is using emotional phrases (upset/hurt) to reinforce her desire not to. I wouldn't read between the lines, you need to get her to talk to you honestly about what's really bothering her - whether it's her inability to express what she wants without embarrassment or the fact that she's feeling threatened by your past. Plenty of people have fantasies that they would never act out in RL, perhaps she needs to learn that that's ok too!
biggrin