single bi female...the holy grail?

16 May 2006

Quote by Darkfire
i was just sitting here, contemplating my illusive and superior status ....(yeh right......)
so i wondered....what exactly do you want in a single bi female?
its just a discussion point.....afterall....were forever discussing what single men need to do to improve their chances....so why not turn it around?

I'm bumping this bit of the original post, cos now I'm really interested in what people think wink

and Morb, you are banned from answering lol

man can not live on revision alone but i will :gagged: and see what others say.

Quote by Mal
When's this dissertation due? Easier enough to keep you off the site until it's finished!!
Let me know
Mal
(PS - good luck with it!)

Dissertations done, its only revision now confused

lol

16 May 2006

Quote by Darkfire

so i wondered....what exactly do you want in a single bi female?

I'm bumping this bit of the original post, cos now I'm really interested in what people think wink

I ought to stay out of this cos I'm sure I'll fuck it up.
But as an ordinary straight male with red blood and a desire for most things sexual, I'll have a go.
But; just as Morb went to such lengths to say - these are mythoughts about me, HLB + 1.
Most of our friends and "potential playmates" dunno

know that we're coming to the end of our self imposed "sabbatical" but we're still not activelylooking, chasing or hunting.
But the last two times out socially, we took condoms :shock: - just in case :grin:
I like to think of myself as a realist, also easy going "go with the flow" sort.
I gain my most pleasure and enjoyment by seeing and being part of, other's.
With that in mind, and moreover from my respect of HLB; she will always have the final say so, as to playmates. That's not to say I don't need to feel an attraction. I do. That would apply in all cases. Be it another couple, mmf, ffm; whether straight, bi; or any other combination.
But this thread is about single bi fems.
I know what HLB's thoughts are, but they are hers to give, not mine.
So from mypoint of view and purely about the bisexual aspect of a mff 3some, I would hope for someone that was as attracted and attractive to both HLB and myself.
Of course, for HLB to play alone with either a gay or bi girl - in my company, would also blow my mind if the above applied. But that's a different thread, I think :twisted:
I think the rest is in both our profiles.

"Looking for ???" We've ticked the "bi-fem/bi-fem couples" boxes ONLY because the options we'd like aren't there. We'd be happier ticking boxes for "Couples" and "Singles" or just simply "Sexy, fun, well mannered PEOPLE"

Morbius is right.
This is very difficult to explain, without it sounding like an ad confused

16 May 2006

Quote by sexkittenhfx

so i wondered....what exactly do you want in a single bi female?

What we want in a single bi-female is somebody who is intellectually, physically and socially compatible with both of us. This is probably quite a tall order! lol

After all, it's hard enough to find one person in this world who is all of those things - let alone two!
Unlike Morbius, who is not looking for someone to form an extended family with, we were originally looking for someone who could possibly be our 'girlfriend'. i.e. an equal partner in our relationship (largely because we're poly)
We have been lucky enough to have spent some time with several single bi-females, one of whom was pretty close to moving in, until 'external' circumstances got in the way. C'est la vie - you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.
After a while, you realise that you'll probably never meet the sbf of your dreams and think 'perhaps we can just be friends with people, with the benefits of the extra 3-way sexual interaction' - and that's where the swinging world comes in. A bunch of people who are very friendly - and enlightened, and enjoy spending time socialising as well as sexualising with people of different genders, body-types, races, and tastes. In this context, we were looking for a single bi-fem who is happy and confident in being herself, relaxed, easy-going, liked us both and was looking for a longer term friendly relationship.
So, we were looking for someone who was very much an equal friend with benefits, then.
We started looking in the 'vanilla' (I so hate that word) world - and now we've gone back to the 'vanilla' world - mainly for reasons stated previously in this thread - it seems that many bi-fems are only bi in a small way - many just don't turn up to meets and/or are timewasters - and to be honest, there are only so many sbf's to go around, so interest in a mid-40s couple doesn't seem to be huge :cry:
Another benefit of the real world is that Sheena can go to lesbian/bi venues and meet people, have a chat and a drink in an environment where sex is not necessarily on the agenda - i.e. she can get to know people first, and then later on something may or may not happen. So, she can find out if someone is friend material without having to worry that they'll expect sex. This also means that she can have her own fun with purely lesbian females, without having to worry about whether they are just bi-for-convenience, as seems to be the case with some couples here - or just bi-curious, which is not something that she's keen on these days. After you meet a few people who are 'not sure', it's easier just to walk away from them.
So - what we want in a sbf is someone who really knows that they are truly bi, is friend material, is happy and confident, easy-going and generally an all-round nice person!
I hope this answers the question! biggrin

16 May 2006

personal opinion again obviuosly.

So from my point of view and purely about the bisexual aspect of a mff 3some, I would hope for someone that was as attracted and attrive to both HLB and myself.

What we want in a single bi-female is somebody who is intellectually, physically and socially compatible with both of us. This is probably quite a tall order! After all, it's hard enough to find one person in this world who is all of those things - let alone two!

I think this is part on my problem, I find it hard enough to find a single person with whom I share these qualities, the expectations from a couple that you should be twice that is a little too much.
H.x

16 May 2006

Quote by Sarah
sneaks in for a quick look..........
:moon: :grin:

Like Darkfire has said sod off and go do your revision, you will thank us in the long run.
Failing that I know a very friendly Mod, who has a deactivate button and will use it!! lol

Morbius
Because of you we ALL got deactivated for the afternoon :giggle:

16 May 2006

Quote by Sarah
sneaks in for a quick look..........
:moon: :grin:

Like Darkfire has said sod off and go do your revision, you will thank us in the long run.
Failing that I know a very friendly Mod, who has a deactivate button and will use it!! lol

Morbius
Because of you we ALL got deactivated for the afternoon :giggle:
dunno

:dunno: :sticky:
Don't blame me, i've just resurfaced from a pile of books!!!! lmao

16 May 2006

Quote by Morbius

Because of you we ALL got deactivated for the afternoon :giggle:

16 May 2006

Quote by Calista

Because of you we ALL got deactivated for the afternoon :giggle:

:dunno: :sticky:
Don't blame me, i've just resurfaced from a pile of books!!!! lmao
Liar Liar Pants on Fire ...
You've been watching tv with me for at least 90 minutes!!!!
Watching CSI does not count as revision!!!!!
:evil2:
Cx
Its a FORENSIC exam!!!!!!
What better revision is there than sitting watchin a TV programme and pulling the science of it to shreds!?!?!?! :smug: :smile2: :giggle:

16 May 2006

Quote by H-x
I find it hard enough to find a single person with whom I share these qualities, the expectations from a couple that you should be twice that is a little too much.
H.x

I would agree with this, except that I kind of feel that when you meet a couple, you meet them as a couple - not as two people, but as one entity, and it's how well you get on with that entity that matters. I'm not saying that you don't have individual relationships / interactions / friendships / connections with each of them as individuals as well - and those are important, obviously, and you have to 'click' with each of them individually - but I always feel that unless there's that sense of 'getting them' as a couple, it's not going to work out. It's the connection with the couple that matters most to me - the way I see it is that you're being invited to share a part of a relationship, perhaps only a small part and only temporarily, but that relationship has to be one you like and admire and respect, in the same way that you would only sleep with a single person you liked / admired / respected.
This is an absolutely fascinating thread. Thanks, all.
Cocoa x

16 May 2006

Quote by makingcocoa
It's the connection with the couple that matters most to me - the way I see it is that you're being invited to share a part of a relationship, perhaps only a small part and only temporarily, but that relationship has to be one you like and admire and respect, in the same way that you would only sleep with a single person you liked / admired / respected.
Cocoa x

:worship: :worship:
and in the same breath, you'd hope that someone would only play with you because they like/ admire/ respect you - and not just because your single, you're swing both ways and you're female lol

In edit : I've just re-read that, and it is one of my big 'gripes' about the lifestyle, because I'm now sat here waiting for someone of the other school of thought to come and flame me for not wanting a quick shag, for wanting to know people's names before I play with them, for going to somewhere like Chams simply cos I want to, not because i'm there to use the playrooms, and for not spreading my legs at every available opportunity, ya know?
In fact, its exactly this difference in the way some people think about 'swinging' that often makes me wonder if I truly am a 'swinger' - the great 'predominantly social side vs nsa shag' debate :lol: Maybe I'm just too damn picky/ expect too much/ have too high an 'expectation' of what 'swinging' is to truly experience 'swinging' as others see it? dunno

16 May 2006

a follow on post, purley cos if I carry on I'll have edited that last one 60 times rolleyes

....
but, I'm rapidly descending into psychoanalysis mode now, so i'll just shut up for a bit wink

17 May 2006

Quote by Darkfire
In fact, its exactly this difference in the way some people think about 'swinging' that often makes me wonder if I truly am a 'swinger' - the great 'predominantly social side vs nsa shag' debate Maybe I'm just too damn picky/ expect too much/ have too high an 'expectation' of what 'swinging' is to truly experience 'swinging' as others see it?

psychoanalysise this ..........................................
swinging is, for you. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
what swinging is.
to you
wink

17 May 2006

Quote by makingcocoa
the way I see it is that you're being invited to share a part of a relationship, perhaps only a small part and only temporarily, but that relationship has to be one you like and admire and respect, in the same way that you would only sleep with a single person you liked / admired / respected.

Well said.
I understand and totally agree with what you say/where your coming from here. The flip side is true for the couple. When I/we invited to join us thats how we look at it. Its actually asking a lot of them - to feel safe/happy/free enough to become a part of an already close relationship, albeit temporarilly. I made the point earlier that was picked up on by phil_osepherthat we're not looking at adding a perminant #3 to the relationship, but that doesn't mean that if the right combination was found that we would refuse that opportunity for 'ongoing' fun. Again only speaking from our point of view, its not a 'wam bam, thank you maam', meet a SBF, get to know a SBF, have fun with said SBF and then throw her away. If we all click and enjoy the experience, why shouldn't it be repeated?

Quote by H-x
I think this is part on my problem, I find it hard enough to find a single person with whom I share these qualities, the expectations from a couple that you should be twice that is a little too much.

I think thats the point i was trying to make earlier with the, 'i have my ideal' comment. It wasn't ment to belittle the SBF but simply show that I/we aren't looking for someone to enter the marriage as #3, therefore they don't necessarilly have to filfill our 'ideal' criteria. As long as the 3 of us click and can have fun there can be some 'ideal' boxes unticked. As an example, I don't smoke, personally i can't stand the smell (personal opinion, not judging others) and i certainly wouldn't live with a smoker. My folks smoked for years and i hated it. However, it wouldn't/hasn't stopped me playing with people that smoke.

Quote by Darkfire
and in the same breath, you'd hope that someone would only play with you because they like/ admire/ respect you - and not just because your single, you're swing both ways and you're female

Hopefully that would be demonstrated by the couple either knowing you before hand, or wanting to get to know you before jumping into bed. Like i've said before, its about making friends and then having fun.

Quote by Darkfire
In edit : I've just re-read that, and it is one of my big 'gripes' about the lifestyle, because I'm now sat here waiting for someone of the other school of thought to come and flame me for not wanting a quick shag, for wanting to know people's names before I play with them, for going to somewhere like Chams simply cos I want to, not because i'm there to use the playrooms, and for not spreading my legs at every available opportunity, ya know?
In fact, its exactly this difference in the way some people think about 'swinging' that often makes me wonder if I truly am a 'swinger' - the great 'predominantly social side vs nsa shag' debate :lol: Maybe I'm just too damn picky/ expect too much/ have too high an 'expectation' of what 'swinging' is to truly experience 'swinging' as others see it?

I have to agree, there are very much at least 2 types of swinger, if not more. We, like you, like to get to know someone first before getting down and intimate. There are those where, they may not say it out loud or admit it, but show it in their attitude, that swinging is almost a matter of 'knotches on bedposts' or 'quick shag, thanks for the fun and move on', and no doubt there are other types, ie those that only play at clubs or parties etc. If we are a tollerant community then we can not complain that other people have differing outlooks than ourselves, we simply have to accept that and either we (as either couples or singles regardless of 'group') are prepared to sometimes conceed that we may like the look of someone who is not looking for the same thing we are and 'rule them out' or we think 'ok they don't want what I/we want but I/we would still like to have some fun with them'. Its like paradoxinpink said.. sometimes we have to be willing to change 'ideals' if we want fun.
If you don't want to change, in that you have your set of 'rules'/boundaries/criteria that you will not change for anyone, then that again is fine, you may just have to accept that opportunities may be more limited.
In the main i think this thread shows that its vitally important for couples/singles/groups, whatever, to get to know each other more and be tollerant. When all is said and done we're all here to have fun (apart from the bosses who are here for the money :twisted: sorry guys couldn't resist lol) and no-one is forcing anyone else to do anything they are not comfortable with.
Can I just say in edit that having read through this when I say 'you' i'm not necessarilly speaking directly to and blaming/accusing/telling the person i've quoted how or what to do, its a general 'you' as in 'you/me/everybody' smile

17 May 2006

Oi! get out of this thread! mad

17 May 2006

Quote by Darkfire
Oi! get out of this thread!

HUH!!!
I'll have you know that since I posted that I've been a very good boy and been busy :twisted:

17 May 2006

Quote by dambuster
psychoanalysise this ..........................................
swinging is, for you . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
what swinging is,
to you

:worship: :worship: :worship: :worship:
I like threads and discussions like this, but I don't all at the same time cos it forces me to think about things when I'm normally happy just plodding along with things.
One thing that does and always did, get my back right up was when people (doesn't matter whether it was singles or couples) said what they thought you wanted to hear in order to lure you into their lair. Then when it came down to it, the truth comes out on the last second and I felt like a timewaster for putting my foot down and pulling out. For this reason, as a single bifemale, I stopped actively look for encounters with couples and 'single' females, taking a more relaxed approach where they'd come and find me if they were interested.
The interesting bit is how many people you thought were friends don't actually notice when you have a break from the scene and how many stop talking to you when you're not swinging or declare couple status.

17 May 2006

Quote by little gem
One thing that does and always did, get my back right up was when people (doesn't matter whether it was singles or couples) said what they thought you wanted to hear . . . . . . .

I'm afraid that's one of the worst and sadly most commom aspect of some poeple's nature.

Quote by little gem
The interesting bit is how many people you thought were friends don't actually notice when you have a break from the scene and how many stop talking to you when you're not swinging or declare couple status.

I agree

Although (my natiure) it does amuse me sometimes how the flirts/invites/hits change, ebb and flow as we change and alter our "status" lol

17 May 2006

Quote by little gem
One thing that does and always did, get my back right up was when people (doesn't matter whether it was singles or couples) said what they thought you wanted to hear in order to lure you into their lair. ....
For this reason, as a single bifemale, I stopped actively look for encounters with couples and 'single' females, taking a more relaxed approach where they'd come and find me if they were interested.

Its only 3 or 4 weeks ago that I came to that same decision :shock:

The interesting bit is how many people you thought were friends don't actually notice when you have a break from the scene and how many stop talking to you when you're not swinging or declare couple status.

Are you flucking psychic or what?? :shock:
I like discussions like this one too - its frank, its honest, open and hasnt yer turned into a slanging match/ heated debate ( :shock: )
but, i was thinking about this again today at work, and Gem I think you're in my head, because you've just posted EXACTLY what I'd planned to post :shock: :shock: :shock:
well, at least I know it isnt me! :idea: I'm not the only one :happy:

17 May 2006

Quote by Morbius
In your ad you say, as you do above, that you are 'looking for a bi couple, where both parties are bi'. I totally appreciate that this is your perogative, but above (in bold) you seem to suggest you'd be open to a 'straight' male/bi fem couple as long as the male is open to 'pushing boundaries' for want of a better term (again NOT a criticism just an observation). For me, its info like that that is important, its that kind of imfo that tell us a lot. Myself, i would say i'm straight, but i'm not homophobic, sqeemish or going to run a mile from male contact.
For chris sake i got a good whipping off a butch TV lol. But there doent exist a category for a male to say he is 'stright but open to more kinky play and willing to push his boundaries with the right person if all got on and felt relaxed' lol I'm not bi - at this moment in time i enjoy the female of the species and male contact of a strong sexual nature doesn't excite me, not to say it never will. But to say i'm a rigid 'straight' male also doesnt hit the mark. So i can see there can be difficulties. A straight male/bi fem couple like us may not contact you even if the rest of your ad really appeals, because the male isnt a 'full blown' bi.
The rest of your reply, as with the others are good personal indicators and show couples what your looking for beyond your advert.
I think in the main this goes to show just how difficault it is to write a good ad. We've all seen the 'this is us, conatct us if your interested' ads. But just how much of what info should we all include?? It a difficult one.

Just to pick up on this point as it was addressed specifically to me, tho I appreciate it is a personal reply and isn't exactly in line with the rest of the thread.
Morbius --------> In my post I did point out clearly that I was generalising about straight males being well - straight LOL. I'm not saying that all males who only enjoy sex with females are straight (in the *traditional* sense) and do not and would not do anything that could be considered kinky. For example I can think of one TV in my social circle - quite a convincing TGirl too :twisted: - who although is as kinky as they come only ever wants (full on) sex with females. Thus I would consider this person by the fact that s/he is gender male, despite being a TV, to be heterosexual.
Yes it says in my ad that I am looking for bi couples - that I am cool

. *Generally* speaking, and probably in 99.9% of cases this would be true. I like group fun (or else why would I be advertising on a swingers site LOL) and my ideal scenario would to be with more than one couple at once, say in a club, party, or other prearraged group meet. I am here to contact couples of course, but in meeting those couples I would prefer perhaps scenarios that involved more than the 3 of us. I guess thats where the compromise comes in as that is easier said than done, especially as I am an "on the edge swinger". LOL. Now if I was in a group situation the fact that all members, both male and female were bi it is very cool indeed as there are much more that we could all do together -- and that's just the "swinging" part, never mind when the whips and chains come out LOLOLOL.
That said if a couple did contact me who made it very clear that the male was not bi, in that he did not like m-m contact, but who was otherwise a fetishist, such as the TV friend of mine I mentioned earlier, then yes of course I would be interested in chatting to them more.
What I can say though is that your point about straight male/bi fem couples not wanting to contact me cos of the wording of my ad isnt true for lots of couples - most of my replies and I have had quite a few to date have been from straight male/bi fem couples. Most have just sent those silly winks so I have no idea how *kinky* those straight men are. If they are real kinky guys they are selling themselves short by not saying so!
I doubt any of that really makes sense but I know what i mean biggrin

.
To add a bit more to whats been said since Morbius replied to me, Dambuster, I dont know how to multiple quote, but what you said makes a whole lot of sense LOL. Little Gem I can see where you're coming from too, but I need to think about that some more. LOL.

17 May 2006

I'm just waiting to see if we get any more views or opinions.......
:confused2:

17 May 2006

Quote by paradoxinpink
. . . Dambuster, I dont know how to multiple quote, but what you said makes a whole lot of sense LOL.

I'd better stop that then lol

17 May 2006

Quote by paradoxinpink
What I can say though is that your point about straight male/bi fem couples not wanting to contact me cos of the wording of my ad isnt true for lots of couples - most of my replies and I have had quite a few to date have been from straight male/bi fem couples. Most have just sent those silly winks so I have no idea how *kinky* those straight men are. If they are real kinky guys they are selling themselves short by not saying so!

Hiya paradoxinpink (or PiP :twisted) i didn't mean to imply that couples were not wanting to contact you coz of the wording of your ad, it was ment as more of a suggestion as to why some may not feel they are what your looking for. But i totally understand where your coming from.
Morb.

17 May 2006

Quote by Morbius
I'm just waiting to see if we get any more views or opinions.......
:confused2:

funny how most people on the site are avoiding this thread like the plague, isnt it.

17 May 2006

Quote by Darkfire
I'm just waiting to see if we get any more views or opinions.......
:confused2:

funny how most people on the site are avoiding this thread like the plague, isnt it.
Is it just us intellectuals here then? biggrin

17 May 2006

Must be

but I'm not naive enough to think for one minute that the majority of views expressed so far are representative of the 'site' generally.
Otherwise, we wouldnt be having this 'discussion' in the first place! lol

18 May 2006

Quote by phil_osopher
Is it just us intellectuals here then?

No No.
I'm still kicking about, looking in.

18 May 2006

Quote by dambuster

Is it just us intellectuals here then?

No No.
I'm still kicking about, looking in.
Ah good! We must try to keep a balance of opinion in here! :D

Quote by Darkfire
but I'm not naive enough to think for one minute that the majority of views expressed so far are representative of the 'site' generally.

Well, I doubt that we'll get people coming into the discussion to admit that they treat single bi-fems as objects, and then get ripped to pieces by the likes of us...
Having had a think about this, and looking at it from all angles, I can see why people might 'objectify' sbf's though.
...and it all starts with capitalism and consumerism...
...but I'm not going to go there... evil

One of the reasons that we started to look for sbf's in real life (apart from the impersonal nature of the internet) is that we got fed up with sending out thoughtful, well crafted emails in response to adverts or profiles on the web-site we used to belong to 5 or 6 years ago. Why did we get fed up? - Well, because we very rarely received a reply - or when we did it was usually from a wind-up merchant or timewaster or pic-collector.
The effort involved did not reap any rewards at all. Because sbf's are pretty rare, and because they can't possibly reply to all the email they receive, you have to reallystand out to get a reply. We can't all stand out as your average sbf is going to look for the most movie-star attractive or the most compatible people.
So, the sbf has become a commodity, and people treat commodities as objects, not as human beings. They are treated as 'things to own or control' rather than a person in their own right. People treat a commodity as a goal to achieve, not as someone to enjoy talking to, laughing with and playing with.
Nowadays, if we were looking on the web, we'd be sending out a single well-crafted, thoughtful bulk message to all of the sbf's we vaguely like the look/thought of on SH - but we don't because we know that we probably wouldn't get any replies. :D - and, to be perfectly honest, the 'vanilla world' is a far easier place to meet and have fun with sbf's (Shhhh! That's a secret!)
People who are looking on the 'net willbe doing this though - they're very unlikely to put any thought into an outgoing message and try to relate it personally to the sbf in question, because the chances of a reply are so slim. If I play the national lottery - I'm more likely to go for a lucky-dip than bother to write down 6 numbers, because I know that however much thought I put into them, the chances of my numbers coming up are pretty slim.
This is why sbf's get 'generic' emails, rather than something personally written for them.
It's not sbf's fault, but they are objectified and treated as a commodity. But this can be overcome - it's up to sbf's to go looking for the people theywant to interact with, rather than wait for emails and PMs and other types of contact. sbf's can take control of their own contacts with other singles and couples (just as Sheena has done) by looking for the people they want to meet, rather than just wading through the inbox and replying to people who take their fancy.
Have I rambled enough now?.... redface

18 May 2006

Very well put. Though, if I only got mail from the people who met the criteria of my ad and profile, I'd reply to each and every one. It's the 'blanket cover' with no thought that gets me, people who are sending a pm to every sbf on the site with the hope that one might reply. I put some effort into an ad and a porfile in order to save time, with the hope that only those it was directed at would reply. Silly me.
H.x

18 May 2006

Quote by H-x
Very well put. Though, if I only got mail from the people who met the criteria of my ad and profile, I'd reply to each and every one. It's the 'blanket cover' with no thought that gets me, people who are sending a pm to every sbf on the site with the hope that one might reply. I put some effort into an ad and a porfile in order to save time, with the hope that only those it was directed at would reply. Silly me.
H.x

Yes,... well,... I can only comment from the intelligent person's point of view - perhaps one of the people who 'blanket cover' would like to comment?
H.x, What you're getting is SPAM. People only send spam of any kind because there are people out there who actually reply to it. The effort involved to send it is minimal, and if they even get one reply, they're quids in, so to speak. On a swinging site, it's the ultimate in laziness (well, no, actually winks are the ultimate in laziness biggrin

), and I'm surprised that anyone would reply to it.
As I said, the best thing any sbf can do is not to have very much in their profile or ads, and go looking for the people they want to play with. It takes more time, but I'll bet it's worth the effort! I've seen quite a few profiles/ads like this already on SH. I think it's catching...

18 May 2006

One thing this thread has taught me.
I don't always agree with HLB's "rule" that we only play with people we've previously met at a social/Munch etc in a "social" environment; but I'm happy to comply.
Having read this thread (and I have followed it closely) I can see another reason to agree and abide by her wishes.