A close friend of mine is in a long term relationship. She has been with said person for 4 years.
He is nasty to her. Not in a physical way, but he is emotionally killing her. When I first met her she was bubbly, happy, confident and beautiful.
Now she has put on a little weight, she doesnt talk to anyone unless they talk to her first. She is always miserable. And this is because of the way he constantly puts her down.
They moved in together about 6 months ago, and she is just getting more and more miserable. He doesnt do anything around the house. His mum always did it at home. He cant even work the hoover.
Tonight he is going out with some of his friends. One of which he has admitted he fancies. There is him, and 3 girls and my friend is not invited. She is naturally not pleased. But he accuses her of being paranoid. This is after he said
'You should have a fit body like M******, I'd fuck her given half a chance'
Personally I'd slap him, and pack my bags. But I can't even persuade her to come round to mine for a pizza and a beer.
I feel so helpless, he is slowly destroying her, and I have no idea what to do to help her. She knows she has a bed here if she needs it. But she wont do anything about it
I feel mean because I'm getting to the point where I'm sick of hearing her moan without doing anything about it.
Sorry, got it off my chest now. But any advice would be welcome!!!
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Slowly destroying my friend
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If it was me i'd turn up at hers with a couple of botttles of wine all dressed up to go out and tell her to get ready as you are taking her out . . . no ifs or buts get ready you are going out!
Drink the 2 bottles of wine call a taxi and take her out of the house for the night making sure you drop her off completely pissed - hopefully the increased alcohol levels will make her face up to her unloving uncaring so called partner
Do it, she will have a great time!
SC
Drink the 2 bottles of wine call a taxi and take her out of the house for the night making sure you drop her off completely pissed - hopefully the increased alcohol levels will make her face up to her unloving uncaring so called partner
Do it, she will have a great time!
SC
Sex God
think it is hard for her to make the break ,but if she has a freind like you hun it will make it more easy keep on at her ,he sounds a right git who thinks of himself only,but if she finds the guts to make the break i bet he will then find out what he has lost ,dont really know what else to say but hope she makes that break . :cry:
What a bastard he is ! 
It's horrible when you have to sit back and watch your friend being emotionally abused like this but that's the thing with bullies. They find a in your defences and chip away at your confidence until you feel totally reliant or scared of them. Worst thing is, there's a limit to how far you can poke your nose in regardless of your best intentions.
I know someone who's being bled dry by his partner but he suffers it to keep access to his son. She's a soul-less misery who has him by the nuts and I can't say a thing against her :x
It's horrible when you have to sit back and watch your friend being emotionally abused like this but that's the thing with bullies. They find a in your defences and chip away at your confidence until you feel totally reliant or scared of them. Worst thing is, there's a limit to how far you can poke your nose in regardless of your best intentions.
I know someone who's being bled dry by his partner but he suffers it to keep access to his son. She's a soul-less misery who has him by the nuts and I can't say a thing against her :x
Sex God
:kiss: for you and your friend...I've been in a similar situation (although I use that term loosely), the problem I had was that he managed to grind me so far down, that I just didn't have the emotional energy to walk away from the relationship and it was easier to stay than finish things. I never thought I would get into that situation and could never understand women who did as I'm generally quite fiesty and very independant. I can't explain how the relationship got to what it was but I was so worn down by it all I couldnt find any extra strength to leave.
Finally, one day, something just made me snap and I finished it, but as I expected he then tried to drag me down again, luckily that time I managed to find the strenght to do it.
I know it's really difficult for you to be watching this man put your friend thorugh this but the only thing I can suggest it to be there for her ( which you obviously are doing) and maybe try to find ways to boost her self exteme so that she has the confidence to leave.
Whatever happens I hope it all gets resloved quickly and you're friend is back to her normal self asap.
:kiss:
What an awful situation. I've watched a friend of mine go through a similar situation and I felt completely helpless because she wouldn't do anything about it. Eventually she did and left and when we've talked about it since she's said that although she knew she'd have love and support from me and everyone else who cares about her and and although she knew she should leave she couldn't until until something just clicked in her head and then she left him really quickly. I'm not sure I've explained that very well but I hope everyything turns out ok
Columbia x
Columbia x
Sex God
Quote by markz
maybe she still loves him and we all know what a powerfull emotion that is. If you continue to pressure her she may well turn against you. I'd just do what others have said and just be there for her when she needs you
Exactly, treat people in this situation like you would treat an addict. That is be there when they are ready to quit as trying to make them quit will most likely keep them doing it.
Sex God
Quote by poshkate
I've been in a similar situation (although I use that term loosely), the problem I had was that he managed to grind me so far down, that I just didn't have the emotional energy to walk away from the relationship and it was easier to stay than finish things. I never thought I would get into that situation and could never understand women who did as I'm generally quite fiesty and very independant. I can't explain how the relationship got to what it was but I was so worn down by it all I couldnt find any extra strength to leave.
Finally, one day, something just made me snap and I finished it, but as I expected he then tried to drag me down again, luckily that time I managed to find the strenght to do it.
I know it's really difficult for you to be watching this man put your friend thorugh this but the only thing I can suggest it to be there for her ( which you obviously are doing) and maybe try to find ways to boost her self exteme so that she has the confidence to leave.
Whatever happens I hope it all gets resloved quickly and you're friend is back to her normal self asap.
:kiss:
That's got to be just about the best bit of advice I've seen here for a long time. :thumbup:
It does sound as though your friend has lost self esteem. If you can find ways of reversing that bit by bit she may find the strength to resolve it herself. It could be simple things like taking exercise together (it's amazing how just doing the exercise alters your self-image) or go on a girlie beauty shopping trip together.
The solution lies within your friend.
.
it is very hard, been in a similar situation, my ex husband was a total fitness fanatic and used to watch every bite i ate, constantly gripe and make snidey comments about my weight which only depressed me and made me eat more, over the years we were together i got heavier and he ground my self esteem into the floor eventually leaving me for someone 10 yrs younger skinny and pretty. i did the same i ended up losing contact with my friends etc cos he didnt like me to go out, yet spent every night out playing one sport or another.
its really hard watching someone you love go through it and i agree all you can do is be there when she needs you. you dont want to push the issue and end up the person she blames for her breakup instead of the twat she is living with.
Earthy xx
its really hard watching someone you love go through it and i agree all you can do is be there when she needs you. you dont want to push the issue and end up the person she blames for her breakup instead of the twat she is living with.
Earthy xx
I agree with everythng that's been said. I too have been in that position, and when it's happening to you, you don't realise how bad it is.
Just visit her regularly, take round some wine, a video, a take away and after a while suggest you go out instead, ask her to go to the hairdresser with you (she may well feel like having her own done), if she says no then just ask ok some other time then? try to get her steered into answering yes (even if it's just to shut you up LOL) but be really subtle about it, once she says yes a few times she may feel more like it.
Cx
Just visit her regularly, take round some wine, a video, a take away and after a while suggest you go out instead, ask her to go to the hairdresser with you (she may well feel like having her own done), if she says no then just ask ok some other time then? try to get her steered into answering yes (even if it's just to shut you up LOL) but be really subtle about it, once she says yes a few times she may feel more like it.
Cx
Its so bloody hard watching a close friend getting hurt and abused isnt it... i know, im going thru a similar situation. My friend is beautiful, sexy and could have any man she wanted.. instead shes just become engaged to a man who is violent, manipulative, jealous, possessive and a wanker! They split up last year and eventually she had to get injunction against him to make him stay away from herself, family and friends. Shes been quiet since January, not texting me much, keeping herself to herself, and i found out 2 weeks ago theyve now got back together!
It wont work, she will come to her senses and when she does, i will be here waiting like i always am. Thats all you can do too, wait and be there for her when it all goes tits up. He will get his come-uppance!!
Suze xx
It wont work, she will come to her senses and when she does, i will be here waiting like i always am. Thats all you can do too, wait and be there for her when it all goes tits up. He will get his come-uppance!!
Suze xx
The best thing you can do is be there for her....if you start telling her what a waste of space her partner is she may turn against you...
I really feel for you having to go through that...and I hope that everything works out for you and for her and that she gets the courage to leave him someday.
I really feel for you having to go through that...and I hope that everything works out for you and for her and that she gets the courage to leave him someday.
A guy's perspective.....pretty much as you women, he's obviously doing a lot of harm and at present has the upper hand. The sooner she's out of that relationship the better, however it will be when she find's her strength and I'm sure she'll do it in some style when that time comes.
All you can do as a friend is be supportive and when the chances arise maybe be suggestive, though not instructive or it will look like you're medalling...be strong for her and let her draw from that :-)
Any other questions while I'm talking sense? It's not very often I do ;-)
Steve
All you can do as a friend is be supportive and when the chances arise maybe be suggestive, though not instructive or it will look like you're medalling...be strong for her and let her draw from that :-)
Any other questions while I'm talking sense? It's not very often I do ;-)
Steve
this is domestic abuse despite the fact that he may never have raised a hand to her.
Both yourself and your friend can receive advice and guideance from Refuge and Women's Aid. I would like to stress they don't pressure anyone into leaving thier partners, that is your choice they just support and advise you in what ever decision you make.
my best wishes to your friend x
Both yourself and your friend can receive advice and guideance from Refuge and Women's Aid. I would like to stress they don't pressure anyone into leaving thier partners, that is your choice they just support and advise you in what ever decision you make.
my best wishes to your friend x
Sex God
my twin sister is in an abusive relationship. She has been married to this guy for the past 8 years. She was my best friend before she started going out with him. We did everything together - went shopping, went out, shared our deepest & darkest secrets with each other. i love her so much.
Unfortunatly now, I nor our family spend any time at tall with her. I phone her regulary but hear him in the background telling her to get off the phone :shock: She makes excuses all the time that she's getting the tea out or on her way out or putting their daughter to bed. Whatever time I phone day or night :cry:
edited to say that my dad has now died, unhappy to have seen her before he went on his journey :cry:
When I see her in town & she's with him, she shakes her head to say that she can't talk :cry:
As her family, my mum & dad & myself told her what we thought about his control over her. She agreed but told us that she wouldn't like to be on her own so she has stayed with him.
Currently, he has accused her of sleeping around as she has been diaganosed as having some abnormal cells in which they have to treat (first stages of cancer).
Most importantly though, is that she knows that I will always be there for her when or if she wishes me to be. What more can I do
He has taken over her personality & her life.
No- one has a right to change some-one. If you go into a relationship, I feel that you ought to accept that person for who they are.
Hope your friend has the strength to see what he really is hun You can't do any more than what you are doing & that is keeping in contact so that she knows that she has a friend on her side.
For me, I will never give up on my twin sis
Unfortunatly now, I nor our family spend any time at tall with her. I phone her regulary but hear him in the background telling her to get off the phone :shock: She makes excuses all the time that she's getting the tea out or on her way out or putting their daughter to bed. Whatever time I phone day or night :cry:
edited to say that my dad has now died, unhappy to have seen her before he went on his journey :cry:
When I see her in town & she's with him, she shakes her head to say that she can't talk :cry:
As her family, my mum & dad & myself told her what we thought about his control over her. She agreed but told us that she wouldn't like to be on her own so she has stayed with him.
Currently, he has accused her of sleeping around as she has been diaganosed as having some abnormal cells in which they have to treat (first stages of cancer).
Most importantly though, is that she knows that I will always be there for her when or if she wishes me to be. What more can I do
He has taken over her personality & her life.
No- one has a right to change some-one. If you go into a relationship, I feel that you ought to accept that person for who they are.
Hope your friend has the strength to see what he really is hun
You can't do any more than what you are doing & that is keeping in contact so that she knows that she has a friend on her side.For me, I will never give up on my twin sis
Unfortunately this is a difficult situation, I saw my mother go through the same thing with the guy she married (not my father obviously), she was a very strong and independant woman, cooked fantastic meals and enjoyed life etc.
Anyway, she married said man, who had a good job, came from a religious family and was a "pillar of the community" whilst my mum was from a working class background and family. This man made her eventually feel inferior to him and his family who attempted to "educate" my mother in the ways of the English Gentile class (of which they were not themselves but tried to be)alienated her from her family by keeping her away from "negative influences" of a working class close knit family and controlled her very existence.
When i was old enough i told my mother what i thought and she broke down saying she had lost herself and any control she had of her life but could do nothing about it as she was "stuck in the situation", she died a few years later and i believe in some ways it was an escape for her as she did not have the strength to leave him, and was resolved to carrying on in an unhappy life!
I now live for the moment and will only do what is right for me having seen a woman whom i loved at such a low ebb, it gave me the foundation to believe that life is about you, the individual, and that you can only live for yourself and the things and people you have around you must be of your choosing and make you happy.
As for your friend it may be that she cant be helped unfortunately, some people just get so low that they cant help themselves and anything you do or try to do could backfire and result in the loss of your friendship.
I think its you who must be very strong, get her alone and very starkly and frankly point this out to her, tell her you love her and are doing it because you care and lay it fully on the line to her, then leave it up to her, you can take a horse to water but the horse must want to drink.
I hope it all works out amicably and successfully,
Mr SRNE
Anyway, she married said man, who had a good job, came from a religious family and was a "pillar of the community" whilst my mum was from a working class background and family. This man made her eventually feel inferior to him and his family who attempted to "educate" my mother in the ways of the English Gentile class (of which they were not themselves but tried to be)alienated her from her family by keeping her away from "negative influences" of a working class close knit family and controlled her very existence.
When i was old enough i told my mother what i thought and she broke down saying she had lost herself and any control she had of her life but could do nothing about it as she was "stuck in the situation", she died a few years later and i believe in some ways it was an escape for her as she did not have the strength to leave him, and was resolved to carrying on in an unhappy life!
I now live for the moment and will only do what is right for me having seen a woman whom i loved at such a low ebb, it gave me the foundation to believe that life is about you, the individual, and that you can only live for yourself and the things and people you have around you must be of your choosing and make you happy.
As for your friend it may be that she cant be helped unfortunately, some people just get so low that they cant help themselves and anything you do or try to do could backfire and result in the loss of your friendship.
I think its you who must be very strong, get her alone and very starkly and frankly point this out to her, tell her you love her and are doing it because you care and lay it fully on the line to her, then leave it up to her, you can take a horse to water but the horse must want to drink.
I hope it all works out amicably and successfully,
Mr SRNE
Orgasminator
That guy sounds not only like a leach physically but also mentally, typical "psychic vampire". I dont know what to suggest but times like this re-enforce my view that "the bastard always get's the girl".
I hope things work out for her but it sounds like she has a
low self-esteem and doesnt really love herself, so she shouldnt be with someone else.
I hope things work out for her but it sounds like she has a
low self-esteem and doesnt really love herself, so she shouldnt be with someone else.
Orgasminator
You can only try to help her to help herself.
Don't feel you HAVE to do something about it.
Just be there to support her and keep trying to advise her (but don't overdo it!!!) If she knows you have her best interests at heart she might listen to you or come to you for that help she needs to do what you think is right.
But be aware that some people have to REALLY plumb the depths before they actually do anything to make their lives better. Sometimes, changes are really hard to make when you are low or depressed.
Just keep being there for her Kat.
Don't feel you HAVE to do something about it.
Just be there to support her and keep trying to advise her (but don't overdo it!!!) If she knows you have her best interests at heart she might listen to you or come to you for that help she needs to do what you think is right.
But be aware that some people have to REALLY plumb the depths before they actually do anything to make their lives better. Sometimes, changes are really hard to make when you are low or depressed.
Just keep being there for her Kat.
Quote by hisandhers
my twin sister is in an abusive relationship. She has been married to this guy for the past 8 years. She was my best friend before she started going out with him. We did everything together - went shopping, went out, shared our deepest & darkest secrets with each other. i love her so much.
Unfortunatly now, I nor our family spend any time at tall with her. I phone her regulary but hear him in the background telling her to get off the phone :shock: She makes excuses all the time that she's getting the tea out or on her way out or putting their daughter to bed. Whatever time I phone day or night :cry:
edited to say that my dad has now died, unhappy to have seen her before he went on his journey :cry:
When I see her in town & she's with him, she shakes her head to say that she can't talk :cry:
As her family, my mum & dad & myself told her what we thought about his control over her. She agreed but told us that she wouldn't like to be on her own so she has stayed with him.
Currently, he has accused her of sleeping around as she has been diaganosed as having some abnormal cells in which they have to treat (first stages of cancer).
Most importantly though, is that she knows that I will always be there for her when or if she wishes me to be. What more can I do
He has taken over her personality & her life.
No- one has a right to change some-one. If you go into a relationship, I feel that you ought to accept that person for who they are.
Hope your friend has the strength to see what he really is hun
For me, I will never give up on my twin sis
Ive just read this and i found it sooo sad. Must be awful for you to not be able to see or talk to your twin, the love you feel for her shines thru your post. Hope she one day comes to her senses and you can be together once again.
Suze xx
Sex God
Makes me so mad to read things like this. Who do these men think they are? Its all about power, psychological games and having control, they get off on it, whilst hurting people.
Funnily enough, Ive found that its the people who you think you can trust the most, that have been the worst.
I believe one day karma will come round and bite them on the arse.... Either that or when they are old and grey, they are sitting there all alone, wondering what the hell went wrong......
Funnily enough, Ive found that its the people who you think you can trust the most, that have been the worst.
I believe one day karma will come round and bite them on the arse.... Either that or when they are old and grey, they are sitting there all alone, wondering what the hell went wrong......
Quote by Cassiopeia
Makes me so mad to read things like this. Who do these men think they are? Its all about power, psychological games and having control, they get off on it, whilst hurting people.
Funnily enough, Ive found that its the people who you think you can trust the most, that have been the worst.
I believe one day karma will come round and bite them on the arse.... Either that or when they are old and grey, they are sitting there all alone, wondering what the hell went wrong......
Exactly the life sentence my father is serving now in his own home now that 6 out 7 of his children have dis-owned him. I hope he lives to a ripe old age.
Sex God
My advice, for what it's worth, is the same as many other people's: be there for her. Not just in an "if she needs me, I'll be other there" kind of way, but as an active part of her life. Go out, have fun, bring over a pizza and a DVD if he goes out without her. Provide a reminder that life is actually quite good.
Just don't try to persuade her to leave him. She'll probably deny that there are any problems (and believe it).
Just don't try to persuade her to leave him. She'll probably deny that there are any problems (and believe it).
Thank you all for your wonderful advice.
She has left him. Again. For the third time in 7 days.
She decided to surprise him at work last week,
he was kissing the other girl!!!
So she left him, then went back, the left him, etc etc.
This time myself, and several of her friends have taken her phone off her, are not allowing her to go out on her own, and basically keeping her occupied. DVDs, pizza, wine on a fairly regular basis. We are not slagging him off. Least not in front of her anyway. We are just showing her she doesnt need a man.
Hopefully she will come through this a lot stronger whcih is all we can really hope.
Thanks again guys!!
She has left him. Again. For the third time in 7 days.
She decided to surprise him at work last week,
he was kissing the other girl!!! So she left him, then went back, the left him, etc etc.
This time myself, and several of her friends have taken her phone off her, are not allowing her to go out on her own, and basically keeping her occupied. DVDs, pizza, wine on a fairly regular basis. We are not slagging him off. Least not in front of her anyway. We are just showing her she doesnt need a man.
Hopefully she will come through this a lot stronger whcih is all we can really hope.
Thanks again guys!!
Good on her! ( and you! )
The hardest part of leaving an emotional bully is taking that first step ( been there, done that, got my own t shirts printed
) Ok she's had to do it a few times this week but with the help of her friends, she'll soon realise that she's worth more than he was prepared to give her and she's better off without him, especially after she caught him kissing another woman!
Good luck to all of you! I hope she finds someone who really deserves her :thumbup:
The hardest part of leaving an emotional bully is taking that first step ( been there, done that, got my own t shirts printed
) Ok she's had to do it a few times this week but with the help of her friends, she'll soon realise that she's worth more than he was prepared to give her and she's better off without him, especially after she caught him kissing another woman!Good luck to all of you! I hope she finds someone who really deserves her :thumbup:
Sex God
It's a tough situation to be watching and for someone to be in but you can only do so much to help/advise her as she's been in that relationship for that length of time for a reason - hard as it may be to understand from the outside, she was/is getting something from it and he is also - and at the end of the day, she's the one who will eventually realise that the relationship is not one she need remain in.
There's a very interesting book called 'Confusing Love With Obsession' by John D Moore which discusses the various behaviours/methods used by bad partners/victims in such relationships.
There's a very interesting book called 'Confusing Love With Obsession' by John D Moore which discusses the various behaviours/methods used by bad partners/victims in such relationships.
