Surreal nonsense and catching up with old friends thread.

16 Oct 2010

Quote by Bluefish2009
"If you plant rice, rice will grow. If you plant fear, fear will grow."

...wise age old sayings bluefish and ones i would normally concur with, but having tried to grow rice on my allotment I can say that despite useing a premium brand, Ambrosia, not a single plant grew and all I was left with when I turned the ground to plant turnips two yrars later. was 4 dozen rusted tins minus their labels and not a shoot in sight.

16 Oct 2010

Quote by davej
Ah yes sorry flower, I assumed folk knew they were a small biscuit with a sharp iceing topping, its one of my favourite snacks. I think they came out of one of them governnment retraining schemes when the fashion for artexed ceilings fell flat leaving a lot of folk with the skills to make sharp repetitive swirls on a flat surface, with nowt to do, hence the iced gem biscuit.

But weren't iced gems in various colours? dunno

Good to see you back, davej. wave

16 Oct 2010

Quote by MikeNorth
Ah yes sorry flower, I assumed folk knew they were a small biscuit with a sharp iceing topping, its one of my favourite snacks. I think they came out of one of them governnment retraining schemes when the fashion for artexed ceilings fell flat leaving a lot of folk with the skills to make sharp repetitive swirls on a flat surface, with nowt to do, hence the iced gem biscuit.

But weren't iced gems in various colours? dunno

Good to see you back, davej. wave

Not originally mike, no they werent, not until bassetts got the copyright and used some leftover allsorts colouring in em and re launched em as "Care Bear poo`s",in the 80s, a novelty candy aimed at breaking the American mid west market....i thought youd have known that, you bein an allsots kinda guy?
Erm..anyhow it didnt work out in the states, bassetts dropped the "Care Bear poo" idea and that was the end of that.....or was it ?? My friend davej... seated to my left, will take over the storey now in his next post at the top of page three, summat about Stoke on trent and hand painted gems...anyway.... over to you dave wink

16 Oct 2010

Quote by MikeNorth
But weren't iced gems in various colours?
Good to see you back, davej.

Indeed they are Mike and its my understanding that once the iceing swirls are artexed onto the biscuit base they are trucked to the Stoke area where they are painted by the numurous pottery artists that had a steady hand a set of fine hair brushes and no employment since the closure of a number of factories.

17 Oct 2010

Davej
What about starting with those pink shrimps or those soft flying sauces?
lol

:lol: :lol:

17 Oct 2010

I ate all the pink shrimps. Sorry about that.

17 Oct 2010

Quote by bluexxx
I ate all the pink shrimps. Sorry about that.

How about dolly mixtures or jelly tots?
Did you drink all the balieys as well????

:rotflmao::rotflmao:

17 Oct 2010

Come on own up now! Whos been down the SH graveyard with their bucket and spade again? rolleyes

Welcome back all who have resurfaced wink

17 Oct 2010

Quote by tweeky
Come on own up now! Whos been down the SH graveyard with their bucket and spade again?
Welcome back all who have resurfaced

They didn't reckon on the cunning of us oldies down in the SH dungeons tweeky, sure they performed the usual searches on my visitors for contraband, but failed to spot the potential in the bag of flumps mrs davej sent me daily for two years. What to them looked like a harmless treat for an old has been, was to me a soft mallable material akin to plasticine or clay that when moulded together, could be shaped into a light weight mask that could be hollowed out and strtched over my head allowing me to walk out of the dungeons disguised as someone else. My inability to shape, sculpt and mould with enough skill to make a passable attractive face was covered by my inspired choice to walk out disguised as John McCririck the racing pundit.

17 Oct 2010

No such elaborate scarlet pimperneling here im afraid, i got sent here to do 200 hours community service ! :neutral:

17 Oct 2010

Quote by Dino
No such elaborate scarlet pimperneling here im afraid, i got sent here to do 200 hours community service ! :neutral:

200 hours, lol

:lol:
Well,the mods office needs sweeping out you can start there, then 3 hours of photo perving, 3 hours of forum reading, re stock the bar and fridge...................:lol:

17 Oct 2010

Quote by Sarah
No such elaborate scarlet pimperneling here im afraid, i got sent here to do 200 hours community service ! :neutral:

200 hours, lol

:lol:
Well,the mods office needs sweeping out you can start there, then 3 hours of photo perving, 3 hours of forum reading, re stock the bar and fridge...................:lol:
Take a wheelie bin in there Dino, last time i stuck my head through the door it was knee high in empty vodka bottles and out of date pork pies.

17 Oct 2010

Quote by davej
No such elaborate scarlet pimperneling here im afraid, i got sent here to do 200 hours community service ! :neutral:

200 hours, lol

:lol:
Well,the mods office needs sweeping out you can start there, then 3 hours of photo perving, 3 hours of forum reading, re stock the bar and fridge...................:lol:
Take a wheelie bin in there Dino, last time i stuck my head through the door it was knee high in empty vodka bottles and out of date pork pies.
That was me, sorry, I will tidy up next time wink

17 Oct 2010

Quote by Sarah
No such elaborate scarlet pimperneling here im afraid, i got sent here to do 200 hours community service ! :neutral:

200 hours, lol

:lol:
Well,the mods office needs sweeping out you can start there, then 3 hours of photo perving, 3 hours of forum reading, re stock the bar and fridge...................:lol:
I wont have the time Sarah, im on a tag aswell see and have to be home for :sad:
So let my fall from grace be a lesson to you all, from international playboy with the world at me feet to common criminal, community service n tagged.....where did it all go wrong? :doh:

17 Oct 2010

Quote by Dino
community service n tagged.....where did it all go wrong? :doh:

Look on the bright side, at least you've joined one of the few sectors of public service that shows strong growth.

17 Oct 2010

Quote by davej
community service n tagged.....where did it all go wrong? :doh:

Look on the bright side, at least you've joined one of the few sectors of public service that shows strong growth.
lol

:lol:

17 Oct 2010

Quote by Sarah
No such elaborate scarlet pimperneling here im afraid, i got sent here to do 200 hours community service ! :neutral:

200 hours, lol

:lol:
Well,the mods office needs sweeping out you can start there, then 3 hours of photo perving, 3 hours of forum reading, re stock the bar and fridge...................:lol:
The bit in bold. When they were here last that may have been four posts now you could probably do forty pages :lol: Bit less of a sentence having to work here these days. Mind you, still seem to be a fair few mods :huh: Perhaps we should have one of them spending review thingys.
bolt

17 Oct 2010

Quote by Dino
No such elaborate scarlet pimperneling here im afraid, i got sent here to do 200 hours community service ! :neutral:

200 hours, lol

:lol:
Well,the mods office needs sweeping out you can start there, then 3 hours of photo perving, 3 hours of forum reading, re stock the bar and fridge...................:lol:
I wont have the time Sarah, im on a tag aswell see and have to be home for :sad:
So let my fall from grace be a lesson to you all, from international playboy with the world at me feet to common criminal, community service n tagged.....where did it all go wrong? :doh:
Well, well, well.... what did I tell you about stealing jelly babies???? I hope this teaches you a good lesson. Crime does not pay.
Make sure you report to the mods room early in the morning to get all your jobs done. Be careful in the broom cupboard though. It is a long time since I was in the mods room, but I do remember losing a sub around that time. I left in rather a hurry, I rather fear my sub might still be in tied up among the brooms. Sorry about that.

30 Oct 2010

Quote by Dino
community service n tagged.....where did it all go wrong? :doh:

Look on the bright side, at least you've joined one of the few sectors of public service that shows strong growth.
lol

:lol:
Blimey, you two havent posted in earnest on here for bloody ages.
Then you both appear by chance on the same evening and start posting
in a manner reminiscent to what dino calls "the good ole days" like youve never been away ! dunno

Have you both been practicing in secret behind my back?? cos this is just too wierd blink

30 Oct 2010

Quote by HornyRed
community service n tagged.....where did it all go wrong? :doh:

Look on the bright side, at least you've joined one of the few sectors of public service that shows strong growth.
lol

:lol:
Blimey, you two havent posted in earnest on here for bloody ages.
Then you both appear by chance on the same evening and start posting
in a manner reminiscent to what dino calls "the good ole days" like youve never been away ! dunno

Have you both been practicing in secret behind my back?? cos this is just too wierd blink

HR

You don't expect them to tell you, do you??? :lol: :lol:
kiss

30 Oct 2010

Quote by HornyRed
community service n tagged.....where did it all go wrong? :doh:

Look on the bright side, at least you've joined one of the few sectors of public service that shows strong growth.
lol

:lol:
Blimey, you two havent posted in earnest on here for bloody ages.
Then you both appear by chance on the same evening and start posting
in a manner reminiscent to what dino calls "the good ole days" like youve never been away ! dunno

Have you both been practicing in secret behind my back?? cos this is just too wierd blink

Hit the ground runnin eh Dave, like ridin a bike wink

30 Oct 2010

Quote by HornyRed
in a manner reminiscent to what dino calls "the good ole days" like youve never been away !
Have you both been practicing in secret behind my back?? cos this is just too wierd

Hello HR

Been away trying to earn a quid, thought I'd stike out on my own, but it didn't work out. I saw a slice of toast that had an image similar to that on the Turin Shroud sold for a fair few quid, so I brought 27 toasters and 1500 loaves in the hope of getting lucky, but alas never got a nativity scene or other similar image that would have been worth a fortune. I did get some slices come out that bore a passing resemblance to various things and did get some offers, couple of quid type stuff, but I'd used thick sliced bread just as the post office changed its pricing so the cost of sending them out was greater than the bids offered, so I kicked that idea into touch.
I did go into manufacturing an excercise gadget for arthiritis sufferers. Mrs davej has it in her fingers and excercise seems to help, anyways, I got the idea after seeing her put her fingers through the bars of Neville the hampsters cage. She could just reach his wheel with her finger tips and spin it, excellent excercise for her arthiritic fingers so I enclosd a wheel in a box so she could just put her hand in and turn it, I thought it would be a winner till I went to the toilet at Tesco and realised they had installed an almost identical contraption that required folk to insert thier hand into a plastic case and try and spin a toilet roll with their finger tips in the vain hope they can find the end of the roll. Foiled again. What dya do :dunno:

30 Oct 2010

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
FFS Dave you bluddy weirdo! loon

:rotflmao:

30 Oct 2010

Quote by Missy
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
FFS Dave you bluddy weirdo! :rotflmao:

....but with a grain of truth in there missy, I cant be the only one who thinks trying to find the end of a loo roll in them contraptions should be used on the Krypton Factor as a dexterity test banghead

30 Oct 2010

Ive nowt but admiration for a man whos prepared to stake everythin he has and go it alone with grit and determination and a great idea...which indeed i think it was.
circumstances conspired against you though to scupper your entrepreneurial vision of holy ghost (toast)did you see what i did there? wink

If only we`d have been in sync,
Last year i opened a bar called St Marry`s, a sure fire winner i thought.
I openned the bar/restaurant with a vision, St. Marrys was done out like a church and the waitresses dressed like catholic school girls and the waiters as choir boys, and the nuns would be the head waiters and spank the schoolgirls and choir boys if they were bad or got an order wrong.
The maitre d was a Father who in turn would spank any naughty nuns over his knee if they`d been bad or rude to customers etc, and the manager was dressed as the pope and every customer who came in had to kiss his ring.?!? Yes I know,:thumbup: its a great idea, bloody fantastic, a sure thing, a true winner... I never really understood at first why it didnt take off...until i was told i was in one of the most conservative catholic communities in the country and what with the catholic church recieving quite a lot of bad press over the last few years!!!!well no wonder it bombed… If only id spoken to ya Dave, holy ghost toast on the menu as a starter, toast with the image of "our lord" grinning up at the punters, it would have sold like..well.. hot toast.
Victims of circumstance mate, victims of circumstance rolleyes

and yes i know im going straight to hell for this!
:angel:

30 Oct 2010

At least we tried Dino, I could have wasted more money with the toast idea. I started out useing crumpets, thinking the uneven and pitted surface would throw up greater oppurtunity. It took mrs davej to point out that each one was a spitting image of Leo Kearns, the actor who played Rumpole of The Bailey.
My vision was clouded by my hope and ambition.

30 Oct 2010

Quote by Dino
Ive nowt but admiration for a man whos prepared to stake everythin he has and go it alone with grit and determination and a great idea...which indeed i think it was.
circumstances conspired against you though to scupper your entrepreneurial vision of holy ghost (toast)did you see what i did there?
If only we`d have been in sync,
Last year i opened a bar called St Marry`s, a sure fire winner i thought.
I openned the bar/restaurant with a vision, St. Marrys was done out like a church and the waiters/waitresses dressed like catholic school girls and choir boys, and the nuns would be the head waiters and spank the waitresses and choir boys if they were bad or got an order wrong, the maitre d was a Father who in turn would spank any naughty nuns over his knee if they`d been naughty or rude to customers etc, and the manager was dressed as the pope and every customer who came in had to kiss his ring.?!? Yes I know, its a great idea, fantastic, a sure thing, a true winner... I never really understood why it didnt take off...until i was told i was in one of the most conservative catholic communities in the country and what with the catholic church recieving quite a lot of bad press over the last few years!!!!well no wonder it bombed… If only id spoken to ya Dave, holy ghost toast on the menu as a starter, toast with the image of "our lord" grinning up at the punters, it would have sold like hot toast.
Victims of circumstance mate, victims of circumstance
and yes i know im going straight to hell.
:angel:

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Which reminds me, people flocked to see this fellas dog, he made a fortune..

Bit like the night club - nobody would touch the Jesus vision, let alone kiss the ring!! :shock:

30 Oct 2010

Well Dave. this could be your lucky day, and mine for that matter :thumbup: i have another cutting edge business venture, a venture that needs the vision and enthusiasm you possess to make it succeed.
Get a load of this un then.....
Ok... Follow me here -
I want to purchase a Petrol Station and Give away Free Petrol
The catch is this, the petrol would come out really slowly so the customer will be filling for ages.
Theres a reason i want them to be at the petrol pump for a while, that reason will become clear when you read Step two of my plan
Also we would limit how much petrol they could get free per week. (Like max 10 gallons a week or summat).
How do we make money i hear you ask ? ...EASY –
Step two;...we would setup paintball guns around the petrol station with webcams that would let people from the internet via a website called petrol station massacre or summat similar, take shots at the people slowly filling up there cars with petrol. You could charge per shot or a like 10 shots for the price of 8, and if you use 100 shots per month you can have 10 shots for free, and they wont run away n hide when the shooting begins cos theres petrol going free.
And people who dont want to shoot at our customers can pay to watch the fun online, place bets n stuff.
Also...we put in a car wash machine charging Premium rates because them paint balls make a right mess, but they wont mind paying as they are getting free petrol :bounce:
Sooo... wadaya say Dave..you in or what ?? :thumbup:

30 Oct 2010

And so life goes on.............. lol

:lol: :lol:

30 Oct 2010

Quote by Missy

See it was that kind of luck I was after. :doh:
I just lifted the cats tail ( well ya never know) but all it reminded me off was that puckered look of my nanna's mouth when her teeth were out.