Swinging irresponsibly and selfishly.

22 Sep 2006

I'm thinking of people who "play the field" with the express intention of getting into as many girls' knickers as they can, either singles or in relationships. I'm not talking about people who are self confessed players and are upfront about their intentions.
I'm referring to the types who lie, cheat, flatter and manipulate in pursuit of their objectives, seemingly with no thought or consideration for the feelings, sensibilities and emotions of their targets or feelings of responsibilty about the damage and distress they can cause to those people.
They single out newbie single females for particular attention, viewing them as a soft and easy target.
Is this what swinging is really all about? I think not.
Doesn't happen on here? Don't you believe it.
I've seen it happen recently elsewhere but the person responsible is here as well. I'm sure he's not the only one so be careful.
I'm very angry about this because he totally abused the trust of a friend of mine and manipulated her to serve his own selfish ends.
I did think for a long time before posting this here but I'm happy to stand up for what I believe are swinging ethics. It's all about openess and honesty as far as I'm concerned.

22 Sep 2006

nice to see u back ES......
now if u can get judytv back......the voice of reason will be restored...............
biggrin

:D :D :D

22 Sep 2006

very vey interesting point ES...........
I do still find it amazing the was that certain people behave on the forum when I know from personal experience that they target single women in a very forward way but make themselves out in a totally different light on here........I'm not saying that anyone has 'rule' broken as such but just that it's interesting the way they will behave behind the sceens as apposed to in front of others.....
unfortunately........this appears to be the way of life whether here or in real life.........whilst I don't agree with it, it's one of those things that you just learn to live with and ignore......

22 Sep 2006

the forum is defintely not the place to target single women!!

22 Sep 2006

It does happen here.

23 Sep 2006

Quote by robbie_rob
the forum is defintely not the place to target single women!!

The forum is the place where they establish their persona by bouncing off other members,create a trustworthy persona and become a part of the furniture through regular posting. Unfortunately, having established their credentials here, they use their reputation as Mr NiceGuy to play the field once they're involved in munches, socials etc,.
My concern is when they manipulate and play with the emotions of the girls in order to get their way.
I'd just like to say again that I don't have any problem with honest players. It's the deceit that I'm so angry about. This has only become an issue for me because one of these scroats has callously fekked about with a very warm and lovely girl (not a member of SH) who happens to be a friend of mine and who, for various reasons which it's not necessary to detail here, was vulnerable to his particular brand of deception.
This is not an easy thing to post about in an open forum like this. I hope people will appreciate where I'm coming from. I don't have a problem with being held accountable for my remarks.

23 Sep 2006

can one of the Mods slap a 48 hour ban on me please?, yes, seriously :thumbup:

23 Sep 2006

Not banned, Darky, but deactivated. sad

I'll reactivate you as soon as you like. wink

Mal

23 Sep 2006

Quote by Abilene
It does happen here.

I can understand the anger when people do this but, I don't know, I sort of think the notion that it doesn't happen is a bit on the naive side?
This happens everywhere - be it in a club, pub, on internet chat etc ... the fact that this is a swingers forum is no different and IMO it probably means it is even more likely?
Call me cynical, but I do read comments sometimes about something or other, and think, 'Nah! this guy/girl is talking bollox and is only doing so as it's PC'. People aren't THAT different between 'here' and the real world - just easier to pretend to be something else ... I'll probably get slammed for this confused

23 Sep 2006

N o need for me to copy Eagre,s original quote, but it exactly replicates a case i know ,single female just joined etc
In this case the lady who luckily did before it went to far realise what tthe "player ". i could think of a better discription, was doing and finaly said NO ,Only to be bombarded with abusive E Mails, P Ms and chatroom whispers Being new she didn.t know what actions to take to get this person banned as he is im told on at least one other site.
Hes still here

23 Sep 2006

You probably won't like this, but it has never stopped me before....
He was probably just following the advice of the 'softies' (for want of a better term).
How many times have you seen advice given to guys on how to gain the confidence of people ?
How many times have you seen people being given instructions on how to appear less predatory?
Oh that may not have been the intention of the advice but it all boils down to be little more that instruction on how to 'appear' to fit - It usually starts with "get yourself known on the forum and get your name down for a munch".
So, I am not surprised this has happened (as I know it has been happening for a long time) but I also appreciate that when the 'emotion' word is involved things are never really clear cut. He may be a bounder, but then again sometimes people say things with all of the best intentions and it just doesn't work out that way. Then all of the "he promised this" and "she was told that" starts (frequently accompanied with unpleasant PM's bouncing back and forth).
I am sceptical of people who seek/welcome emotional commitment (or whatever) before their interest in a person becomes physical - more often than not things like this are the result.
This thread is not just a whinge and moan about some anonymous tosser, it is not a generalised "why do some people....". It will very obviously make people suspicious and curious as to who this total cad is. Whilst nothing will be openly posted to disclose their ID - the jungle tom-toms are likely to beat with the same tempo as a drum n bass remix.
We are all adults here and make choices - some good , some shite.

23 Sep 2006

Couldn't agree more with what you've posted Polo :thumbup:

23 Sep 2006

I suppose there is some value in restating that there are predatory types at work. The cad appears to have carried out his role in text book fashion. As a classic war of the sexes character he has not done anything uniquely worth commenting on, so is likely to be forgotten. And subsequently toddle off wreaking more havoc. mad

However it needs to be considered if the victim was a suitable candidate for the world of swinging, and also whether she was inducted with the right kind of chaperoning. redface

23 Sep 2006

Quote by PoloLady
We are all adults here and make choices - some good , some shite.

Exactly.
Some of what comes here is fact - the rest is opinion. Mine.
I'm a firm believer in "Jumping in with both feet" - but always with the proviso we have our eyes wide open, and always in use. It's no good having your eyes open if you don't use them.
I think there will always be a predatory influence where recreational/casual sex is sort of "freely available"
I also think that there is always two (at least rolleyes

) sides to each tale.
I'm not in any way "sticking up for" the arses and devious types.
There are married men using the site who keep their marriages secret, yet become VERY popular. Despite the usual vitriol that's thrown onto those that "come clean"
As I'm sure there are women.- in the same category.
There are people that know they have clap, but still play without any apparent concern for themselves or their playmates - be that stranger or frequent.
There are people that will tell you the moon is of blue cheese, or you have the biggest/thickest cock/sweetest pussy they've ever seen; if they think it will curry favour.
There are people that will agree with what you say so as to not rock the boat.
There are people here that will tell you bare faced lies.
There are people that won't "put you straight" when the emotional entanglement raises it's ugly head. Yes I said ugly head. Why ? Because sometimes they don't know how to. Sometimes because they don't care. And I'm sure, a multitude of other reasons.
I think care needs to be taken that we don't hang people for there inabilities.
People often make comparisons between here, the lifestyle and "real life" confused

This IS real life. As soon as you step away from the keyboard and meet people it becomes very much real life. Be that meet socially, or sexually.
There are plenty of arses in the world. We here are not immune.
There are also plenty of good people. Sometimes "it does exactly what it says on the tin"
By all means, hang those that get some sort of kick out of intentionally hurting people, but please, bear in mind intent. Actual intent.
Were they malicious ?
Or were they inept ? In the worst possible way.
And remember this if nothing else - The things that are hard to say, are sometimes veryhard to say.
Imagine if you will . . . . . . . . . .
You've been playing with someone over an extended period of time with someone.
How easy would it be to "reject" their emotional entanglement; whilst maintaining the friendship aspect - and hopefully carry on playing ?
Is it easy ?
Is it even possible ?
And bear in mind, the "wounded" can find it VERY easy to play the sympathy card.
* Disclaimer
Mainly to those that like to read between the lines.
My comments are general. They do NOT refer to any individual. And more specifically, the last section does not refer to me, mine, or anyone that I've been "involved" with.

23 Sep 2006

Apologies to people who have read my reply to this topic elsewhere. This reply is very similar, yeah, almost a copy and paste jobbie, with a few additions as I have thought a bit more about it now.... anyways, my reply is still relevant here lol

:lol:
Can't say I've ever had a problem with this type of thing either while swinging or in the vanilla world as a "victim"... wrong word... is "playee" a better one (?), so this a take on it from a player's perspective, so to speak. Only time anyone has ever tried to "play" me was about 10 years ago... married man pretending his marriage was a sham... you know the story.... I quickly got wise, was I bothered when his wife finally found out what a tosser he was, was I fLuck
First I have to say, there's nowt wrong with being a player... I've done it myself (long time ago now)... but whilst doing this I never promised anyone anything, if they got the wrong impression of my attentions towards them that was their problem, not mine. Crying down the phone to me when I had had enough of them and moved on, or when their wife found out they were a tosser, cut no ice with me. The phone can be put down... simple as. But I never lied to them... if they got hurt is was all in their head. Even though I am not a player any more, I still have the same attitude... Trouble with players is that they attract people who think they can change them. Simple answer is YOU CANNOT CHANGE THEM!!!! Even though I am not a player now I may be in the future... but that depends on ME... not YOU, HIM, HER, or THEM.... but ME, and ME ALONE. Yeah, I'm a selfish bastard.... but that is MY CHOICE... OK
I am sounding harsh here, but honestly, I met some poeple wh thought they were the "one" and that they could change me.... yeah... WHATEVER rolleyes

:roll: :roll:
Talk to the hand :lol:
Trouble with communities like this one, as I can see, is that some poeple are in them to find a relationship long term, others are there to play with as many people as they can... and never the twain shall meet... totally incompatable!! But both types of people are attracted to swinging communities maybe, and shit is always the result.
Sooooooo.... what am I saying? Simple message really.. If you are a playee..... don't think you can change him or her.... YOU CAN'T... don't belittle yourself any more by thinking you can! Also, if you are looking for a relationship here... be VERY CAREFUL.... you know this is a swinging community, and if you fall head over heels for someone all well and good, it might be genuine, but then again it might not be!!! I think sometimes it's case of where people get overwhelmed by attention, they may be vulnerable, they may even be swinging for the wrong reasons, if you know you are vulnerable perhaps it's best you log off here.....who knows.... but BE CAREFUL OK... it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to be CAREFUL!!!!!!!!!!
But if you are a player... there's a nice and a not so nice way to do it... OK, I was not always very nice really, as I said, talk to the hand, but I really never lied to anyone. But yeah, ES... you are correct in your assumption that some players do lie, some people here are not the people they seem to be, some a married but pretending they're not, some are syaing their marriage is a sham when it isn't, some are manipulative to extremes, some are pretending they want a relationship but are just points scoring or involved in some sort pf personal mission to screw up as many people as they can. I could name names but I will continue to pretend that I know nothing, just cos I like a quiet life these days.
This is not just a male to female thing I might add..... girls do it too!!! Maybe theya re just better at it and slip under the radar or maybe it's a topic for another thread... yeah definately a topic for another thread!!!!!
TBH.... I joined this community over 3 years ago now simply with a view to getting anonymous and easy sex via clubs... I got involved in the social side cos I found the forums funny and entertaining... lots has changed ( :shock: ) but as the community has matured the best and the worst has come out of it..... PLEASE be careful or log off ---- your choice!!!
If you are someone who is here to screw with people's heads..... you are sad, very sad.
OK said too much maybe...
Good thread ES :shock:

23 Sep 2006

Here one we've not seen for a while . . .
blue - worship

:thumbup:
and before I run away . . . . . . . . kiss

23 Sep 2006

There are some good points being made. Polo's "take" on it is blunt (as ever!!) but well reasoned.
There will always be gossip and rumour, informed and misinformed opinion, etc., etc., wherever a group of people congregate for long enough. Swinging communities are no different.
I don't have a problem with players/quick shag merchants........whatever you choose to call them. My gripe is with dishonesty when it's used to achieve what they seek, without regard to the feelings of the other person involved and the effect on them. FFS in this scene, probably more than anywhere else, it's not difficult to say to someone I'd like to shag/play with you (if that's the intention) but it goes no further than that! Or is that too difficult for some people?
In some ways I wish I'd never started this thread. I am not a shit stirrer as those who know me can (I hope) attest to. That was not the reason for posting it. I hope it will serve as a warning to people (especially single girls) to tread carefully, that's all.
I had no idea so many people had been hurt by the actions of some people, but, judging by some of the PMs I've had, it's a sad fact that this is indeed the case. I hope no-one will be deterred from seeking fun, making friends and being involved in the scene. Just be careful, take your time and go into everything with your eyes wide open, that's all.

23 Sep 2006

Quote by EagerSlut
I'm thinking of people who "play the field" with the express intention of getting into as many girls' knickers as they can, either singles or in relationships. I'm not talking about people who are self confessed players and are upfront about their intentions.
I'm referring to the types who lie, cheat, flatter and manipulate in pursuit of their objectives, seemingly with no thought or consideration for the feelings, sensibilities and emotions of their targets or feelings of responsibilty about the damage and distress they can cause to those people.
They single out newbie single females for particular attention, viewing them as a soft and easy target.

Thing is - these players half the time believe what they're saying, each and every time they say it, they believe it themselves confused

I don't think that there are very many 'deliberately' malicious people on this planet. What happens if you're one of them people that are highly strung, very emotional....... They meet someone and wallop, their adrenaline, butterflies and love emotion are going like the clappers :inlove:
"Brilliant they think, I'm in love at last, I've never felt like this before, I thought I had, but I've not felt this strongly ever" :bounce:
They're beside themselves with happiness, they've found love. Then you settle down into a 'couple' type thing - and after a while that "first throes of love" feeling settles down into a more secure, deep, comfortable, easier to maintain feeling.
That's not good enough for the odd few, they don't see they're gaining the more secure deep comfortable easy to maintain feeling - they see they're losingthe first throes of love feeling (to them it's falling out of love!! :? ).
So they think they're falling out of love cos they don't get the adrenaline or butterflies any more.....
Then someone else comes along and wallop, their adrenaline, butterflies and love emotion are going like the clappers :inlove:
"Brilliant they think, I'm in love at last, I've never felt like this before, I thought I had, but I've not felt this strongly ever" :bounce:
And so the cycle continues
You can never imagine the first throes of love feeling to its full impact - so whenever this "player" experiences it, they've just come out of the 'comfortable' love, forgotton how strong they felt 'first throes of love' and think it's something they've never felt so strongly before :?
That's what I reckon anyway.......... mind you, tis a bummer when you're on the receiving end of a play, been there myself mad

So ES, hugs to the victimes you're referring to :therethere:

23 Sep 2006

To be honest, whilst I don't condone dishonesty in any way, I think that anyone who is in a position to get emotionally hurt, jealous or just plain confused should delete their profile from the site now - this really isn't the place for marriage guidance or counselling of any shape or form and yet it happens so often - people both asking for and giving it...

In my opnion and so very often, you see people posting 'thank you to all of my real friends here' type stuff. I'd seriously question this - are they your 'real' friends? Have you met them? If so, then that's great as I've met some lovely people off here too but (and it happens all of the time here) last month's 'news' is this month's chip paper, last week's flavour of the month is this month's villain, yesterday's 'new live-in lover' is tomorrow's cad rolleyes

It's part and parcel of this 'type' of world - in fact it's part and parcel of the real world and why some people seem so surprised by these type of events here still amazes me - seriously, it really does. This is not Tele Tubby land - it's real life plus the added extras of arse, tits and bumpsyadaisy and 'shit' happens... add emotions to that and you have a great recipe for disaster :?
This post isn't meant to be offensive to anyone and is not about anyone (especially not Eager) - it's general so please don't read anything into it... it's just a bit of a 'dump' really smile

I guess, in a nutshell, what I'm trying to say is, take responsibility for your own actions here and elsewhere and don't blame others - it's a simple choice to be here (or not)... so take it - good thread/debate ES :thumbup:

23 Sep 2006

OK I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here.
I don't know the circumstances or the people ES is talking about, but I will say that I can see "potentially" a different side to this.
Both here and in real life I have seen 2 scenarios
1) Someone will say anything to get into someone's knickers as described perfectly by ES.
2) 2 people become fuck buddies. They have both agreed they're fuck buddies and see other people, do their own thing.
The female starts to want something more.
The male still wants to be just fb's
The signs of attachment start to show
The male starts dropping hints "you know I like you, but I'm not looking for anything serious"
The female thinks she can change him. She starts getting possessive.
The male bolts.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
What follows is nothing short of a witch hunt
I'm not saying this is what has happened, all I'm saying is bothdo happen and unless you have allthe facts from bothparties you won't know whether it's one, the other or something in between.
HLB sits on the fence for this one. lol

23 Sep 2006

Maybe my view is simplistic and perhaps I will ending thinking that I should have taken a little longer to think this over before posting, but here goes...
We are all grown up and members of a 'swinging' site. There are always going to situations arising where one half of a situation will want/need more than the other person is willing or able to give.
If somebody promises more as a way of getting their needs met then I don't think that is right or fiar - however they met, be it in a pub or on a swinging website. But should people who are actively seeking a long-term relationship be swinging?
There are always going to be people who are selfish and ignorant - but it doesn't actually mean that they are doing it 'on purpose'. Of course this doesn't excuse their behaviour, but is any one of us perfect?
When I first joined there were a handful of members who were a hell of a lot more friendly to me than they are now, but some people only make a real effort when they want something or think there is something to be gained - just like anywhere else.
But such is life, I choose to be on here and sometimes watch with amusement at the predictable behaviour of a few. But continue to enjoy the banter and fun with those who I like.

23 Sep 2006

Quote by Kiss
Maybe my view is simplistic and perhaps I will ending thinking that I should have taken a little longer to think this over before posting, but here goes...
We are all grown up and members of a 'swinging' site. There are always going to situations arising where one half of a situation will want/need more than the other person is willing or able to give.
If somebody promises more as a way of getting their needs met then I don't think that is right or fiar - however they met, be it in a pub or on a swinging website. But should people who are actively seeking a long-term relationship be swinging?
There are always going to be people who are selfish and ignorant - but it doesn't actually mean that they are doing it 'on purpose'. Of course this doesn't excuse their behaviour, but is any one of us perfect?
When I first joined there were a handful of members who were a hell of a lot more friendly to me than they are now, but some people only make a real effort when they want something or think there is something to be gained - just like anywhere else.
But such is life, I choose to be on here and sometimes watch with amusement at the predictable behaviour of a few. But continue to enjoy the banter and fun with those who I like.

Good, no great post - agreed :thumbup:

23 Sep 2006

what about the other side of the coin the men that get hert an lied to by woman ? :shock:
it dose happen !
granted not as often but it dose ! confused

23 Sep 2006

Quote by HornyLittleBlonde
OK I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here.
I don't know the circumstances or the people ES is talking about, but I will say that I can see "potentially" a different side to this.
Both here and in real life I have seen 2 scenarios
1) Someone will say anything to get into someone's knickers as described perfectly by ES.
2) 2 people become fuck buddies. They have both agreed they're fuck buddies and see other people, do their own thing.

The female starts to want something more.
The male still wants to be just fb's
The signs of attachment start to show
The male starts dropping hints "you know I like you, but I'm not looking for anything serious"
The female thinks she can change him. She starts getting possessive.
The male bolts.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
What follows is nothing short of a witch hunt
I'm not saying this is what has happened, all I'm saying is both do happen and unless you have all the facts from both parties you won't know whether it's one, the other or something in between.
HLB sits on the fence for this one.

:thumbup:
i have to say that this post, albeit made out of feelings towards helping the female in question
is a little strong and one sided.......
theres too much male bashing on here........... and this is nothing more than a "name and shame"..........
eager, did this lady friend of yours ask you to put up the post?

23 Sep 2006

Deecee
Just to clarify, when you say "This post" are you referring to the post that started the thread or the post you've quoted dunno

23 Sep 2006

:therethere: :laughabove: silly

hwoar:

:lickface:
lol

:lol: :lol:

23 Sep 2006

Seconded... God save the Scousers :thumbup:

23 Sep 2006

Well if you did that in one breath, you can blow me anytime! cool

23 Sep 2006

I agree with you ES my one and only rule is that i don't meet people who are playing away tho i have found out after that i have met 2 married guys who both told me they was single, i felt that these guys totally disrespected my rules as a swinger, swinging is not about saying what evers needed to get a 'shag' its about respecting other swingers and their own personal rules and limits and if someone as a swinger says they do not do something then i expect that to be respected, other wise we are not swingers we are all just after a easy shag, the respect of other is what makes us swingers and not just quick shag seekers surely dunno

personally have no problem with married and cheating people, even tho i would not meet them and don't agree with it but what they do is their choice, what i do have a problem with is the ones who say they aresingle just to get a meet, no matter what ur back ground is be it single, couple, married and cheating or other wise swinging is about trust and respect and if you have none of that you have no place being here

23 Sep 2006

Quote by naughtynymphos1
...swinging is not about saying what evers needed to get a 'shag' its about respecting other swingers and their own personal rules and limits and if someone as a swinger says they do not do something then i expect that to be respected...

I couldn't agree more NN.
:thumbup: