Telling your partner

8 Sep 2005

Well, this origionally was something I posted in another thread becuase I wasnt sure I should try and deviate to my own thread straight away, but judging from the response I received from Postie and a few others I thought Id bring it to the attention of the greater community.
I myself have never actually swung (everybody please yawn and look away on cue) but am extremely interested by the whole affair etc. What troubles me is that there is a girl im getting to know well and want to date, I think she wants the same, the problem is neither of us have discussed sex, how many of us do so early in the game?? . Should i say now that im interested in swinging?? or should i wait until more time and effort has been invested in the realtionship, at which point, i may already have a fair idea that she wont be interested, what shoudl i do then?? dump her??
The whole area of broaching the swinging subject to a partner (prospective or current) seems to be a mine feild. So far the general concensus seems to be that at some point you should have a talk about these things and then be honest and open and hope that things work out for the best.
Are there any words of wisdom on things that I should maybe avoid doing when going about this subject?? obviosuly a number of poeple on here have managed it with a great deal of success though i suspect there are a fair few hum-dingers of storys on where its gone wrong.
Please share.
Ever curious
Mike

8 Sep 2005

It depends on two things:
1. how important swinging is to you; and,
2. how important your relationship with your partner is.
If the swinging lifestyle is VERY important and you feel that you could not be happy living in a monogamous relationship you are best getting it out into the open. There's nothing wrong with talking about sex early in a relationship. Do it gently, maybe open it as a joke by sharing each others fantasies. Mention swinging, subtly, as in "have you ever fantasised about a 3sum?" and then watch her reaction. If positive, begin to talk more in depth, if negative, leave it and re-evaluate.
If this person is VERY important to you and swinging isn't then it's no biggie if she isn't keen. There's more to life after all, and if you're compatable in lots of other ways, you probably won't even miss swinging...... unless the swinging lifestyle is very important to you........ see where I'm going with this?
Only you can answer these questions and you must be honest with yourself right from the start.

8 Sep 2005

Hello Mike.
I'm curious too - about what you're saying. Are you saying that you regard this girl as your partner and that you've not even discussed sex (and presumably therefore not had it either dunno

) and that you want to start swinging with her?
Are you not trying to run before you walk here?
Sorry if I've got it wrong.

8 Sep 2005

Quote by westerross
Hello Mike.
I'm curious too - about what you're saying. Are you saying that you regard this girl as your partner and that you've not even discussed sex (and presumably therefore not had it either ) and that you want to start swinging with her?
Are you not trying to run before you walk here?
Sorry if I've got it wrong.

8 Sep 2005

i would think you may want to start actually going out with her first though... make sure you actually get on as a couple first maybe?
the subject of sex always gets raised once you start actually having sex...
ive normally got a a cheeky grin on my face and asked what they've tried out in their time...
if they have a cheeky grin back and a few tales.. or even an "ooh id like to try..."
then there's room for manoevre maybe...
if you get a horrified look then maybe not

8 Sep 2005

Quote by Shadow_Walker
Hello Mike.
I'm curious too - about what you're saying. Are you saying that you regard this girl as your partner and that you've not even discussed sex (and presumably therefore not had it either ) and that you want to start swinging with her?
Are you not trying to run before you walk here?
Sorry if I've got it wrong.

No i dont regard this girl as my partner, but would like to very much, (i havnt actually seen her for a little while due to work comintments and other random things) but when i am with her, we get on well etc and i could certainly forsee her becoming my partner.
I started this thread becuase I may well need to broach this subject in the near furture, and was curiuous as to how i should go about it, presumably its something we've all given some thought to in the past.
I would like to start swinging with her, it seems the whole scene is easier on the couples in that sense, but need to get as far as finding out her views first.
In repsonse to what bluexxx said, well i dont know which is more important, it could well be her, but i wont know for a little while yet.
Ah, well, in light of the new info, no don't ask her just yet. You are only assuming that you are going to become partners in any sense, and you have little clue (presumably) to her attitudes towards sex. If she was a good mate already and it looked like it was shortly going to advance to a sexual friendship then you would have a much better chance of getting the conversation right. However, if you don't know her well, I can imagine that all you would get is a slap in the face!
You're definately running before you can walk!

8 Sep 2005

oh well this is quite a good one for me cause i have a bit of a story on this subject....
it all started off many moons ago when i was but a youngster now sexually i started with women b4 men so i suppose you could say i have always had a sexual interest in women, however when i ment Paul (my now hubby) i wasn't sure how he would take this as back then i didn't really know about swinging and going with someone of the same sex was something i didn't really tell people due to the fact i never know how they would take it, so it was something i always kept under my hat so to speak, anyway to cut a long story short we met, i kept my gob shut and we got married........anyway as the years went by i suppose i missed being with women more and more then years later we got a pc :rascal: (can you see where this is going already :lol: ) and we stumbled by accident over a couple who was swingers and asked us if we wanted to meet them, after a few months of talking (ok so we was new :lol: ) we agreed to go only to find out it was infact a single guy living in the twilight zone or somewhere just as odd :lol: but he had put the idea in our heads and we had a chat and decided to go for it and thats when we found the msn chat room, as they was back then, now when we met our first couple you have to remember i was 'bi curious' as far as everyone else was concerned :huh: and this poor woman had promised to take things slow with me (bless her) but i couldn't contain my self and had to admit i was over her like a terrier down a rabbit hole and she even commented after that she did not believe i had never been with a woman b4 :uhoh: (busted) but i was a trooper and i insisted it was :lol: anyhow when they had gone Paul started asking me all these questions and i had to admit to my past and the reason why i suggested swinging etc and i did feel better but then he felt bad that i felt i couldn't talk about it and that he had missed out on 8 years of watching me shagging other women :roll: , so i guess in answer to your question in my experience you should be honest from the start, ok so you may put some people off but living a lie is even worse plus u never know they could be well up for it as well as i truely believe my hubby would have been had i told him from the start

8 Sep 2005

OK OK, so I know it sounds like im trying to run before i can walk and I supose in this sense i am, but i have an annoying habit of thinking about things too much and like naughty put it, once the idea is in your head...........
I'm just exploring my options and where it could lead, also very interested in how everyone else deals with this issue.
And naughty, from what I've already gleamed from these posts I find it hard to imagine you being quite about this for 8 years!! smile

:-p how did you mange it :gagged:

8 Sep 2005

I posted my view elsewhere on this, but i think the subtext to this isn't if he is running before he is walking, (in this particular case, yes) but How and When do you tell someone vanilla about this side of your life. Especially if you start to get into a relationship with them?
I would quite upfront about it now, though even 6 months ago I think i would have struggled to bring it up and had a dilemma abut whether to tell them or not.

8 Sep 2005

shadow_walker........ you should try living with her its hard to imagine her being quiet about ANYTHING for 8 minutes never mind 8 years lmao

8 Sep 2005

Quote by postie
I posted my view elsewhere on this, but i think the subtext to this isn't if he is running before he is walking, (in this particular case, yes) but How and When do you tell someone vanilla about this side of your life. Especially if you start to get into a relationship with them?
I would quite upfront about it now, though even 6 months ago I think i would have struggled to bring it up and had a dilemma abut whether to tell them or not.

Interesting as an academic question but probably impossible to answer - depends entirely on the two individuals involved and could range from tell 'em immediately to never. But I guess it's true that as you gain familiarity and confidence with the lifestyle you are more likely to go for it. What Blue said really.
But, Shadow_Walker, as you haven't swung yet - there's a lot of ground to be covered before you need to confront the issue I would've thought.

8 Sep 2005

Quote by postie
I posted my view elsewhere on this, but i think the subtext to this isn't if he is running before he is walking, (in this particular case, yes) but How and When do you tell someone vanilla about this side of your life. Especially if you start to get into a relationship with them?
I would quite upfront about it now, though even 6 months ago I think i would have struggled to bring it up and had a dilemma abut whether to tell them or not.

Hmmm, if I met someone in a vanilla context and was attracted enough to them to consider a relationshiip I would definately tell them very early on what they had let themselves in for! I consider swinging --- or more importantly these days, the large social side to it --- very important in my life. I would not be prepared to lose contact with the swinging world cos of one vanilla person, however nice they were. I wouldn't be prepared to lie and keep my swinging lifestyle a secret from them, I am too open a person, I would simply have to tell them even if it meant risking losing them. Obviously I would be sensitive about it, but I would tell them early on nonetheless.
When I met Denise, I was already exploring the scene albeit in a mild way, and the conversation was easy enough to bring up --- I didn't use the word "swinging", I used to talk about it in terms of never wanting to live in a monogamous relationship. As Denise already lived an "alternative" lifestyle it wasn't like I had to find a way to talk about it, the conversation just happened very naturally, I think even before we'd actually ever had sex. Before Denise, I lived in an open relationship with someone else for several years. We were not swingers, but we were both free to see other people, bring them home etc etc. Within that relationship I had one guy that I saw regularly for over a year and he became a family friend. The "open" part of our relationship was brought up quite slowly (we were both very young at the time) and it took us both ages to really suss out what we wanted, but it worked, and it was nothing to do with the openness that ended the sexual relationship, and we are still friends to this day.
My point? Dunno really! I guess every situation is different, but at the end of the day you have to be honest with yourself. You can live your life swinging and cheating or you can find someone who shares your views and desires. Idealistic? Yes. But I know what I want, and I will not live a second class lifestyle cool

8 Sep 2005

Quote by westerross
But, Shadow_Walker, as you haven't swung yet - there's a lot of ground to be covered before you need to confront the issue I would've thought.

But he wants to confront the issue that he is interested in swinging - sufficiently interested to be here on this forum.
No idea what to suggest though. dunno

8 Sep 2005

Quote by Shadow_Walker
And naughty, from what I've already gleamed from these posts I find it hard to imagine you being quite about this for 8 years!! :-p how did you mange it :gagged:

oi i'm the quiet. shy, retiring type me
i think the problem is if you start off on a lie (if you can call keeping your mouth shut a lie ) it just gets harder and harder to know when the time is right and in the end you think its never going to be the right time to say "oh by the way....." had we not got a pc and found the swinging room i think i would never had said anything to this day, it was only cause i saw that swinging could work in my favour that i suggested we gave it a go, now he could have hit the roof and to be honest his first reaction was....why arn't i good enough for you any more?.....but it was thro sitting down and talking it thro we decided to give it a go and to be honest neither one of us has ever looked back and that was about 5 years ago now
oh and to sleazy.....sod off :moon:

8 Sep 2005

Can i just say that whilst I havnt swung, I have had a sex/fuck buddy before, in fact Im going to visit her shortly, but the way that came about was cos we dated for a little while and then stopped dating, but carried on sleeping together, ANYWAY
And as Mikenorth puts puts it perfectly, I am interested in swinging, and would like to explore the scene with her, trouble is though Im afraid that this will put her off me for good............hmm, maybe I do care more for her than the life-style...

8 Sep 2005

:idea:
I just had a thought --- I'll say it before I have to go and have a lie down cos of the strain :lol2:
It also depends on the type of swinging -- I will explain...
Suppose I, as a bi fem swinger, met a vanilla guy and we started a relationship. He might think it wonderful that he gets to have ffm 3sums and fulfill all his lesbian voyeurism fantasies. Fair play to him cool

. But I would not be happy with that, cos I'm a greedy sod. I like (on very rare occassions innocent

) to have group sex with guys. My new partner might not like this at all, which would make me unhappy. Then I would have to make a choice --- only swing with girls and never have another guy in my life..... oooooooooohhhhhhhhhh noooooooooooooooooo.......... yeah, I could do it for a while, but would soon be finding ways to change the rules :rascal: . My new partner might get used to it, though it may cause jealousy and resentment. He might get the hang of mmfs and even mmmmmmmmmfs, but it might eat him up inside and he would become very unhappy. Where do we go from there?
If we sorted that little lot out, I would STILL feel restricted cos I like bi guys :twisted: . If my new partner was straight and didn't even like to think of bi male action, I would be unhappy. I would respect his view of course, but I would be unhappy nonetheless. We might suggest swinging apart on occassions, which would then result in more jealousy.....
Do you see where I'm going with this?
And even if a couple start off being happy with one type of swinging sooner or later one partner may want to try something new that would very much upset the apple cart.
That's where constant re-adressing of boundaries comes in with couples who swing. It takes a strong relationship to be successful in the swinging world, and it takes both partners to be very honest.
Bloody hell, I really do need a lie down.... did anyone follow any of that? :shock: :shock: :shock:

8 Sep 2005

Wow, what a post, and scarliy I followed it all.
Unfortunatly the best repsonse I can give at the minute is 'I dont know'. I like to think im an easy going kinda guy, you know, try anything once (almost) and the good things twice (or more).
I think the main point that is coming out of all of this is that we need to talk to each other, explore, compromise where necessary, but talk and discuss things.
Possibly a good piece of advice for almost any part of life.

8 Sep 2005

Quote by bluexxx
:idea:
I just had a thought --- I'll say it before I have to go and have a lie down cos of the strain :lol2:
It also depends on the type of swinging -- I will explain...
Suppose I, as a bi fem swinger, met a vanilla guy and we started a relationship. He might think it wonderful that he gets to have ffm 3sums and fulfill all his lesbian voyeurism fantasies. Fair play to him . But I would not be happy with that, cos I'm a greedy sod. I like (on very rare occassions ) to have group sex with guys. My new partner might not like this at all, which would make me unhappy. Then I would have to make a choice --- only swing with girls and never have another guy in my life..... oooooooooohhhhhhhhhh noooooooooooooooooo.......... yeah, I could do it for a while, but would soon be finding ways to change the rules :rascal: . My new partne might get used to it, though it may cause jealousy and resentment. He might get the hang of mmfs and even mmmmmmmmmfs, but it might eat him up inside and he would become very unhappy. Where do we go from there?
If we sorted that little lot out, I would STILL feel restricted cos I like bi guys :twisted: . If my new partner was straight and didn't even like to think of bi male action, I would be unhappy. I would respect his view of course, but I would be unhappy nonetheless. We might suugest swinging apart on occassions, which would then result in more jealousy.....
Do you see where I'm going with this?
And even if a couple start off being happy with one type of swinging sooner or later one partner may want to try something new that would very much upset the apple cart.
That's where constant re-adressing of boundaries comes in with couples who swing. It takes a strong relationship to be successful in the swinging world, and it takes both partners to be very honest.
Bloody hell, I really do need a lie down.... did anyone follow any of that? :shock: :shock: :shock:

now i've really got a headache :shock:

8 Sep 2005

Quote by bluexxx
:idea:
I just had a thought --- I'll say it before I have to go and have a lie down cos of the strain :lol2:
It also depends on the type of swinging -- I will explain...
Suppose I, as a bi fem swinger, met a vanilla guy and we started a relationship. He might think it wonderful that he gets to have ffm 3sums and fulfill all his lesbian voyeurism fantasies. Fair play to him . But I would not be happy with that, cos I'm a greedy sod. I like (on very rare occassions ) to have group sex with guys. My new partner might not like this at all, which would make me unhappy. Then I would have to make a choice --- only swing with girls and never have another guy in my life..... oooooooooohhhhhhhhhh noooooooooooooooooo.......... yeah, I could do it for a while, but would soon be finding ways to change the rules :rascal: . My new partner might get used to it, though it may cause jealousy and resentment. He might get the hang of mmfs and even mmmmmmmmmfs, but it might eat him up inside and he would become very unhappy. Where do we go from there?
If we sorted that little lot out, I would STILL feel restricted cos I like bi guys :twisted: . If my new partner was straight and didn't even like to think of bi male action, I would be unhappy. I would respect his view of course, but I would be unhappy nonetheless. We might suggest swinging apart on occassions, which would then result in more jealousy.....
Do you see where I'm going with this?
And even if a couple start off being happy with one type of swinging sooner or later one partner may want to try something new that would very much upset the apple cart.
That's where constant re-adressing of boundaries comes in with couples who swing. It takes a strong relationship to be successful in the swinging world, and it takes both partners to be very honest.
Bloody hell, I really do need a lie down.... did anyone follow any of that? :shock: :shock: :shock:

Which only goes to demonstrate that it is not summat you can resolve in theory as an academic question. Also demonstrates how sophisticated and strong swinging couples have to be.
Take Mike North's point - missed that bit but got the impression that engaging the partner was the main issue. dunno

By the way S_W I'm not trying to be negative here - but I think it is really complicated - but who am I to say?

9 Sep 2005

I think the phrase is Fuck Buddy. When the time is right, just ask her if she would like to be your fuck buddy. If she slaps you, then you know it's a 'Piss Off You Pervert'.
If you're considering swinging, wouldn't it be just as easy to approach an existing swinger? Becoming a swinger can be like joining a minority community as in a gay man cannot fall in love with a straight man who can't give him back what he wants. I know it's a stupid example but I would have thought your 'chosen community' would be better equipped to protect and look after your needs. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong, this is just my gut feeling.

9 Sep 2005

Its awkward this one.
There are two things going on. One is, how do you introduce the idea to your prospective partner. The other is how do you come to terms with swinging?
With the first. You do not yet have sufficient experience to guide someone else into the lifestyle. In the other case changing from conventional 'dating' to swinging means having to change some of your values and behaviour. Trying to do both at the same time may be confusing and make the transition for either more problematic.
Many people get into swinging as a couple. They develop their sex lives and incorporate swinging. Others meet as singles, having experienced clubs or answered adverts for various adventures. It would be rare to find a new couple who are making out for the first time and also getting into swinging. So I expect many would be interested in what happens to you both.
Swinging has not quite achieved the same level of liberation as being gay. If you went into work and told everyone about your new lifestyle you would still get a variety of reactions. This means that in a slight way you may begin to lead a 'double life'.
Paradoxically, the 'rules' of swinging probably demand more than the rules of marriage. Failure to stick to the rules may result in lower self esteem than bog standard adultery and cheating.
Have fun and take care.

9 Sep 2005

dont really know wot to say, apart from mr s and myself have been together 10 years.
we talked about this kind of this in the bedroom but thats all it was talk,
until he said one day about doing it for real.
having talked about the pro`s and con`s about 6 months (long time some might say)we took the plunge.
we`ve had 10 years together to get to know each others limits and bounderies so there were no freaky reactions when it was first mentioned.
its a tricky situation but good luck in wot u do.
sierra x x

9 Sep 2005

Excellent thread this,
Like many we came to the lifestyle through pillow talk, mostly during and after sex, as it had been one of our fantasies.
Eventually we decided to make that a reality, our only regret is that we didnâ€™t discuss it 20 years ago when we were still young and reasonably attractive, oh what fun we could have had (sigh)
Whatever you decide, hope it works out for ya m8 :thumbup:

9 Sep 2005

Quote by bluexxx
:idea:
I just had a thought --- I'll say it before I have to go and have a lie down cos of the strain :lol2:
It also depends on the type of swinging -- I will explain...
Suppose I, as a bi fem swinger, met a vanilla guy and we started a relationship. He might think it wonderful that he gets to have ffm 3sums and fulfill all his lesbian voyeurism fantasies. Fair play to him . But I would not be happy with that, cos I'm a greedy sod. I like (on very rare occassions ) to have group sex with guys. My new partner might not like this at all, which would make me unhappy. Then I would have to make a choice --- only swing with girls and never have another guy in my life..... oooooooooohhhhhhhhhh noooooooooooooooooo.......... yeah, I could do it for a while, but would soon be finding ways to change the rules :rascal: . My new partner might get used to it, though it may cause jealousy and resentment. He might get the hang of mmfs and even mmmmmmmmmfs, but it might eat him up inside and he would become very unhappy. Where do we go from there?
If we sorted that little lot out, I would STILL feel restricted cos I like bi guys :twisted: . If my new partner was straight and didn't even like to think of bi male action, I would be unhappy. I would respect his view of course, but I would be unhappy nonetheless. We might suggest swinging apart on occassions, which would then result in more jealousy.....
Do you see where I'm going with this?
And even if a couple start off being happy with one type of swinging sooner or later one partner may want to try something new that would very much upset the apple cart.
That's where constant re-adressing of boundaries comes in with couples who swing. It takes a strong relationship to be successful in the swinging world, and it takes both partners to be very honest.
Bloody hell, I really do need a lie down.... did anyone follow any of that? :shock: :shock: :shock:

I totally agree :thumbup: , and it is so true that swinging and boundaries do change :rascal: and must be discussed.