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The Good Ship Swinging Heaven Is Sinking !!

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Sgt_Bilko
Sex God
The good ship Swinging Heaven is sinking and you are in charge of of the only lifeboat. :eeek: The lifeboat will ONLY fit five people in with just enough room for three luxury items.
Assuming that you are going to take up one of the spaces, you have thirty seconds to decide who from the site you are taking with you and which three luxury items you are taking.(You must give reasons for your choices) :undecided:
The lifeboat will be taking you to a deserted island where you and your chosen guests will spend the rest of your lives. confused :?
There can be NO complaints from anyone that isn't chosen !!!:small-print:
(I will post my choices later) :undecided: :undecided:
Jags
Sex God
In the words of my close colleague
FUCKITY-FUCK
This needs thinking about Sarge - lives depend on this, happiness is resting on these choices.
What is already assumed (like Desert Island Discs) - The Bible (OH NO!), water, Shakespeare (OH NO!) and clothing???? Or just Kate's left over chamois leathers??
rolleyes :roll:
Sgt_Bilko
Sex God
Jags, assume nothing!! :shock: (On second thoughts we can assume there is fresh water, but there is no Late Shop !!) lol :lol: :lol:
I'm still thinking about my choices. confused :? :? :?
Unknown User
ONLY FIVE???????
Nooooooooooooo - this is so so so hard - I can name at least 15 in here!
but - Aopologies to those I miss.
Steve_1 - for being himself
gman - to remind me to keep smiling
Mr W - cos he makes me feel young
Articifer - for the conversation, warmth and hugs
The Sarge - for his organising capabilities - and he does a good rub down too.
Luxury Items
A long rope
endless supply of champagne
my own bed
I know the boat only holds 5 people - but I was going to tie myself to the rope and fasten it to the boat. Surely I can get points for lateral thinking here.
Moist
Sexpert
Right here goes:
1. gman - coz he made me feel so at home & is wonderful
2. Alex - my sauna partner & fellow female friend
3. Djohn - my flying buddy & forum whore wink
4. Carpathian for his superb musical taste
Items
My car ...Sorry but has to come & has a superb stereo & could convert him into a hovercraft
My dogs .... My children
My books ... For when I need a rest !!!!!!
Honey2
Warming the Bed
Can't you just throw me a buoy? biggrin
Moist
Sexpert
Remember it's just for fun lol
I already have a 2nd list ready in case anyone pulls out or has other commitments...
:P
Unknown User
Quote by Moist
Remember it's just for fun lol
I already have a 2nd list ready in case anyone pulls out or has other commitments...
:P

Pulls out??????? Are they Catholic?
Unknown User
Of course, the first person in the boat, would be you, the person reading this, because you are by far my favourite person on Swinging Heaven.
Kit, because after 22 years, the best is still to come.
Will and Sappho, because it appears that all they need at the moment is the air that they breathe, and that will help with the rations.
Luxury items:
Kit's Slippers
Kit's Bathrobe
My shorts in case the fire alarm goes off.
lol
Unknown User
Quote by Alexandra
Remember it's just for fun lol
I already have a 2nd list ready in case anyone pulls out or has other commitments...
:P

Pulls out??????? Are they Catholic?
I am! biggrin
Ill take the mods with me, they seem dirrrty! Plus ill take an engine and make a tree and cocconut plane....should keep me quiet for a few weeks!
Sgt_Bilko
Sex God
Quote by KitKat
Kit, because last time I missed her off a list I ended up hiding in the GFZ !!! :doh:

rotflmao :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Moist
Sexpert
So where is your list Sarge, your taking a lot longer than thirty seconds...or are you waiting to see what other people write first... wink
Unknown User
Actually can I have you moist?
Sgt_Bilko
Sex God
Quote by Moist
So where is your list Sarge, your taking a lot longer than thirty seconds...or are you waiting to see what other people write first... wink

Quote by Sgt Bilko
(I will post my choices later) :undecided: :undecided:

I didn't say how much later !!! lol :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
willxx69
Sex God
Sarge - You are either a genius or a sadist. Or perhaps just a sadistic genius. I decided to pop in here for ten minutes on my way to bed and find that you have posed a question that is going to keep my head spinning all night!!!
FIVE people? That's cruel. particularly so as it is an odd number, which would mean splitting up couples or opting for an odd singleton (I guess it is lucky that there are so many VERY odd singletons in here lol).
The first four people in the boat was a piece of cake. Assuming one is me then the next three are clearly Sappho followed by Kit and Kat (they know why!). The last one? That is FAR too hard to decide without consultation. If you think that I am wimping out - well tough!
Luxury items? Well cigarettes will be off the agenda now (well done you three worship). Champagne and/or Rawsons Retreat would be likely to figure, and I must say that Chocolate and Tia Maria squirty cream is VERY high on the list! :twisted:
As for a book..... Oh no! Let's not get started on that again!! runs off and dives under the duvet!
DJohn
Sex God
Moist, because I like her.
Sappho, because I like her.
Will, because Sappho would kill me if we left him behind.
Jags, because Jags would kill me if we left her behind wink
KitKat, because I can cheat and get two good friends for the price of one.
Mark, because the new SH will need a captain, and I need someone who can count.
Come on - you didn't think I could limit it to just five, did you? We'll all fit in somehow, even if I have to swim along behind.
The first luxury item must be my mp3 player. I wouldn't last a week without music.
The second is my books, although I'm not sure how much time we'd have for reading.
Now it's getting harder. Good friends, good music, and good literature. What else is there in life?
Moist
Sexpert
Djohn
If we were clever we could double stuff up here such as music & books then take more other stuff....like my helicopter (for when we need some time away from the others) & my solar powered toaster & kettle....God I love tea & toast.... biggrin
Good thinking ay...just dont tell the others wink
DJohn
Sex God
Your thinking is too similar to mine to be coincidence. Have you been sneaking in to read my mind while I'm not watching?
I didn't bother listing batteries for the mp3 player. I figured at least one of the women would smuggle a plentiful supply aboard along with a vibrator or three.
Unknown User
Mmmm.
Artificer is perplexed.
All those little avatars lined up shouting :
'Me,me,...oh please take me kind sir'
It reminds me of the house of many windows, where little Artificer waited day after day, for a nice family to come and take him home, bathe his sores and weals, and get him a nice job ...up chimneys. Oh, happy days. And when old farmer Artificer, Billycock hat in one hand, gnarled old cane in the other, took the ragged lad back to the country, little Artificer thought all his birthdays had come at once. What, with three square meals a week, his own plough to pull and a nice warm ferret to sleep with, little Artificer was in heaven. But I digress, I'll tell you more of my happy childhood another time, if you so wish...
Now, to the matter in hand. I confess, I can't make up my mind.
So, I'm off for a bath, have some snappin', and I'll be back to choose my crew-members in a little while.
Tootlepip.....
BlueEyes
Orgasminator
Dammit!!
This is a horrid thread because I'd take all of the Cafe members if I could! :twisted:
If I was faced with this very hard choice though, I would choose Mr BE because I can't live without him and I'd choose Fred and Wilma because they are gorgeous and lovely people. I would also take Blissed because he's become my mate through this forum and I love him loads!
If I could also hire some sort of A-Team, I'd also try and get KitKat, Bluexxx, Willxx69 and Sappho and Jags with me too. These people all make me laugh on a daily basis!
As for the luxury items, I wouldn't choose them myself, I would ask my guests to bring something that they would like- now wouldn't that be fun! :twisted:
Unknown User
I've shagged a lot more famous than Stan Collymore...
I think after tonight, we are all a lot more famous than Stan Collymore!
Listen, why don't we just all go down together, at least it would be an excuse for the most monumental shag-fest
lhk
Kat
Sgt_Bilko
Sex God
This is another of those that may take some time so I suggest you put the kettle on and make yourself comfortabe!!!! :shock: :shock:
So, the good ship Swinging Heaven is sailing along, on the Caribbean leg of its world tour, with it’s happy crew (The Mods) and its even happier passengers (The rest of us).Captain Mark is at the helm, the sun is blazing and everyone is going about their normal daily routine.
Alex and Gman are splashing about in the swimming pool playing volleyball with a beach ball. Steve G is lifting weights without his pants on (he hates it if I don't mention him lol :lol: :lol: ) The girls, in differing states of undress, are sunbathing on the sun deck having an informal meeting of the SHWI whilst the boys are drinking beer and playing cards, shamelessly ogling the girls. :eeek: :eeek: :bounce: :high-smile:
Every time one of the girls glances over the boys all breathe in as one, doing their best to pull in the beer-belly and push out the chest. As soon as they look away there is an audible communal exhaling of breath but none of the boys seem to notice. The girls think its great fun and take turns at glancing over, or as a real treat, walk past really slowly to maximise the boy’s discomfort. :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
The boys start chatting about the girls and Fred remarks that Corrie seems to be the only girl that they haven’t seen sunbathing topless. :cry: Carpathian checks his notebook and confirms that Fred is indeed correct. Until 1700 yesterday there were two girls that hadn’t gone topless; Corrie and Lady WA, the latter discarding her bikini top when dared to by Will. :happy:
Corrie had been content to parade around in her nice new white bra and knickers, claiming she wasn’t ready for THAT much exposure when double dared to by Will!!! :cry:
Alex and Heather on the other hand have not been seen with their tops on yet!! :shock: :shock:
After several more beers Kat and Fred start whispering to each other as they develop a cunning plan to catch sight of Corrie without her new white underwear. :idea: :idea: :idea:
The plan is that Will, by virtue of the fact he’s wearing sunglasses 8) and therefore no one will recognise him, is to follow Corrie around the ship in order to find out where her bunk is. In the meantime Fred and Kat were off to pick up Fred’s new digital camera and then try to find Artificer, who was last seen walking his ferrets and Fly (followed closely by the pizza from the GFZ!!) around the poop deck.
Artificer, being Artificer, has his cordless drill packed away in his suitcase (some thing to do with me having said we could do with some Drill practice while we were away!!). The plan is to drill a hole in the wall of Corries bunk then take some photos when she steps out of the shower and have a slide-show of those 36G babies in the GFZ when we get back. A plan so simple it’s brilliant. It’s fool proof :doh: dunno (or is it??)
Four hours later Will meets up with the now sun burnt Kat, Fred and Artificer (who is now an eager co-conspirator) and announces that his covert operations have been a success and that he has now established the whereabouts of Corries bunk. On hearing this news, our four heroes wade through the pile of peeled skin and disappear into the depths of the ship, ghispering and wiggling as they go. :grin:
Now, those of you that have been on a ship are aware that once inside the hull, one deck looks pretty much the same as another. The Fantastic Four being led by “Will The Uncertain” soon reach the point where Will thinks he left Corrie in her room.
“I am absolutely certain that I think it may well could have been this room here!!” :dunno: announces Will to the now hysterically giggling boys.
“That will do for me” says Fred, keen to take a photo of anyone with his new camera. “Artificer, do your stuff”
Artificer reaches into his trunks and pulls out the biggest tool you’ve ever seen, earning him admiring glances from the  Wow!!” says Kat “that’s a beauty” :shock: :shock:
“Black and Decker?” asks Will. “Dewholt “says Artificer scarcely able to hide his pride. :smug:
With that he takes aim, or at least as much aim as can be mustered after 15 pints, and pulls the trigger. :crazy:
After what seems like an eternity Artificer withdraws his magnificent tool and declares “The deed is done!!”
After much whooping and back-slapping, causing yelps of pain and shouts of “Ow!! Watch my sunburn” they turn to inspect the hole Artificer has crafted into the wall.
“Fred,” says Kat sheepishly “Is it supposed to have water pouring through it?” :dunno:
“OMG” gasps Will. “FFS!!!” shouts Fred. (Strange how they have started to swear in abbreviations since being on this site!!) “We’ve drilled the wrong 
As they stood gawping at the trickle of water squirting in through Artificers carefully crafted orifice they noticed the hole was getting bigger. In no time at all, what was a squirt became a torrent and Kat, not fully aware of the gravity of the situation thought “Wow, that’s some shower Corries got in there. I’ll have to tell Kit because she was moaning about the water pressure in our bunk”. confused :? :?
By now the hole was big enough to stick a head through and even Kat began to wonder if maybe something was amiss. “Surely no woman’s dirty shower water could smell that much of fish” he mused. wink
“OH Jags is going to slap us for this” said Will, “and I dread to think what Sappho will do”.
They turned and ran as fast as their little legs would carry them, no longer bothered by the fact that their sunburn was stinging as they splashed through the water.
Meanwhile, having just returned to my bunk after a routine Security patrol of the ship, I was loosing badly to Sappho, Jags and Wilma in a game of Strip- Scrabble. I’m sure those girls were making words up. They are all sat there in the Caribbean in duffle coats and scarves while I’m down to my undies and one sock Suddenly there‘s a loud knock and Fred pokes his head round the door. “Hello Wilma dear, Jags, Sappho. Er Bilko, can we have a quick word outside please?” :doh: :doh:
Outside my bunk Artificer and the three Amigos tell me their tale of woe. Why , I hear you ask did they come to me? Well it just so happened that I was the NCO IC Lifeboat!!! (not a bad job to have if your on a ship with more people than space in the lifeboat!!) :lol: :lol:
By this time the water is around our knees. We know the ship is going to sink. All we have to do is decide who and what we are going to take with us. “Right“I shout as we scarper towards the lifeboat, them with their sunburn and me with one sock and my undies on,” let’s have a vote on what we are taking with us. It can only be bare essentials” rolleyes :roll: :?
In one voice they all shout”Beer!!” Then after a little pondering I suggest cigarettes, and between us we also agree that a solar powered Sky TV set is definitely a must. I kinda forgot to mention that originally the lifeboat would hold 250 people, but by the time we had crammed all the beer, cigs and the TV set in there was only enough room for five people. We look around and try to decide who those five passengers should be. The five of us stand there with the water now lapping around our chests when something catches my eye. It’s my missing sock floating past!! I grab it. Life doesn’t get any better than this!! (Ooops, maybe it does!!) :?
So after much squabbling between the five of us as to which five lucky people are going we suddenly realise that there are five of us. Mmmmmmmfive of us and fivespaces on the boat………………………..Sorted!!!! 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)
So we sailed away to the deserted island and just to prove we weren’t selfish the first thing we did when we arrived was to toast our absent friends. Then we set up the TV and watched the Premiership on our Girlie Free Island.
:cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
Jas_Tim
Sex God
I'm glad I wasn't on board....... sends lifeguards out for all the girls, take your pick girls smile
Sends pirates out with directions to the island
You do know what this means though. We can extend right through the GFZ and have loads more space for our BFZ.
Wanders off to prepare the party for the ladies homecoming singing quietly...........oh happy days.......
Sgt_Bilko
Sex God
You mean it didn't sink after all that? :shock: :shock: :shock:
Jas_Tim
Sex God
They're ladies - we have built in life jackets
lol
Unknown User
Well Sarge,
Your story proves a theory I've had for a long time:
Watching Corrie results in a sinking feeling, despair and eventual isolation.
Sgt_Bilko
Sex God
Artificer, you still haven't told us who you are taking!!! rolleyes :roll: :roll:
Mind you neither have Jags, Sappho , Fred, Wilma, Kit, Carpy, and Gman to name but a few!! Now don't be shy :shock: wink lol :lol: :lol:
gmanxxx
Orgasminator
Top Post Sarge the Leonardo di caprio of the cafe!!!
Gman
Still thinking of my four..... at my age it takes a lot of thinking time.... ask Articifer!!!
Sappho
Sex God
confused
Sarge, I would rather shag a Sun reporter than select from amongst my lovely friends on SH and leave someone behind. That's how strongly I feel about it. Sorry!
Sappho xxx
Jags
Sex God
Quote by Sgt Bilko
Artificer, you still haven't told us who you are taking!!! rolleyes :roll: :roll:
Mind you neither have Jags, Sappho , Fred, Wilma, Kit, Carpy, and Gman to name but a few!! Now don't be shy :shock: wink lol :lol: :lol:

Sarge - I just couldn't!! It wouldn't be fair and I would feel awful if I had to leave you behind :lol:
I'm just hoping that each of my friends here chooses each of the other friends so that we ALL end up in the same place. DJohn has already chosen me (GOOD MOVE JOHN!!) so the others will be around soon.
LOVE your story Sarge - it helped keep my spirits up in the dark hours of last night's invasion.
BTW - WTF were you when your site needed you? Where were the anti-tosser radars? The anti-redtops land mines? The zap-the-bastards-back-to-Street-of-Shame mortars?
I bet you ran around the site shouting 'Don't panic', 'Don't panic' and looking to 'stick it up 'em' all evening.... :cry: :cry:
:twisted: :twisted: