The things your parents say....

20 Oct 2004

Always lots of articles about the little gems that children come out with, so I thought as a twist I'd mention some things that parents (well, mine at least) can come out with at times. I've
already mentioned my mother and her vibrator in the 'Daft instructions' thread, but I've got a couple of others....
Picture the scene if you will: sunday lunch, with both of us, my parents and my (then) small brother. We're all happily tucking in, and I'd just taken a mouthful of food and my mother turned to me and completely out of the blue said 'What's a blow job?' I almost choked, J concentrated on looking at the pattern on her plate and my small brother slid under the table. I recovered my composure as best I could, swallowed without choking, smiled and played my ace in the hole. 'Oh' says I, 'thats easy.... ask J after lunch!'. Apart from an aching ankle where she kicked me I thought it was a superb answer. And yes, my mother did ask, and she was told exactly what it was.
The other mind boggler was when we were at home watching some tv drama, can't remember which, but a bloke goes into a shop and buys a rubber doll. My mum looks at this and says 'What's that?'
'Ummm, it's a rubber doll, mum'.
'Oh.' <pause> 'What's a rubber doll then? What does he do with it?'
<longer pause from me while I try to work out what to say - my mother is very innocent indeed, and she really didn't know!.> 'Well, I expect he's going to blow it up and use it mum'.
'Oh' <frown> 'What's he going to use it for?'
Well, what do you say at this point? I didn't think 'fuck his brains out' would be a suitable reply so I decided on the subtle approach. 'Umm.. well.... it has er... holes in it'.
'Oh. If it's got holes in it, how can he blow it up?'
'They're anatomically correctly positioned holes mum'
'Oh. Oh. OH!'
She's never asked any questions since. biggrin

20 Oct 2004

I had just started to do Ann summers parties.
It was the weekly Sunday visit to my mothers with hubby and kids in tow. 3 brothers were at mothers house. I gave my sister in law a look at one of the A/S catalogues, mum decides she wants to have a look. She sits browsing when my 10 year old daughter peeps over mums shoulder and pipes up "my mums got lots of them in here drwaer" redface

I could have died, didn't know where to look when mum says straight away "what the hell were you doing in your mums drawers"
phew, we all just started laughing and daughter wasn't amused that she had been told off.
Parents, life savers.
Gill x

21 Oct 2004

What about things you never thought you'd hear yourself say, that come out of your mouth when you're a parent yourself? No I don't mean when you say stuff yer mum or dad used to say so much that you promised you'd never say it I mean...
"Stop rubbing banana on the telly... NOW!"
or
"No, the cat has not got spots on his tummy, they're his nipples."
or
"That fuckin brat of yours* has stuck his hands in his nappy and covered himself in shit, whilst we had a lie in!"
*Yeah, ok he was my fuckin brat, too, I suppose. rolleyes

21 Oct 2004

My parents know about things like dildos, blow jobs etc because they've seen or heard about things like that on tv, & I can't remember the detail of how they found I vaguely recollect it was funny at the time. However my Mum does tend to come out with some classic phrases out of habit, such as....
"Drive carefully....." (Damn, & I was planning on having a crash today rolleyes

, how inconvenient)
After arguing her point on some matter ".... & I rest my case!" Needless to say she never does, & just ploughs on!!! :roll:
My Mum may give us a blasting if she is annoyed with us, but she always defends her own confused

. My nephew was recently dumped by his girlfriend of over a year (they are both 9 yrs old!. When Mum was telling me how upset he was, she kept muttering under her breath with considerable venom... "THE LITTLE TART". :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

21 Oct 2004

Mum and dad, the wife and myself in a car.
Conversation was all the usual stuff.
The road lane starts to get narrower.
Mum from the back seat, pipes up.
Allan mind those bollocks.
Needless to say I nearly crashed into the damn things, I could hardly see due to my eyes being soaked by tears.

21 Oct 2004

Quote by Vix
"No, the cat has not got spots on his tummy, they're his nipples."

That is so funny, not long after rescuing my faithful friend from the bastard that used to own him i was stroking his tummy and thought, oh poor thing he's got zits!!!! Well knowing that zits always feel better after they've burst i started to squeeze his "spots" real hard. Much yelping followed. For weeks i was trying to burst those damn spots, i knew it was for his own good even if he didn't! After weeks of trying it was time for him to go to the vet for his annual MOT.
"I'm worried about these spots, is it just dog acne or cancerous lumps" (i'm ever the optimist!!)
"Ermm thats his nipples!!"
"But he's a boy!!"
"Ermm Marcus look at YOUR chest!!"
"Doh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sorry Max, (RIP the most faithfull companion anyone could have asked for :upset: )

21 Oct 2004

Quote by Vix
"No, the cat has not got spots on his tummy, they're his nipples."

When my brother, then aged about 3, asked our grandmother what were the spots on the dogs tummy, she replied that they were the buttons on her waistcoat to hold her fur on :shock: rotflmao

Trouble was, I honestly think even SHE believed it lol

Tracy-Jayne

21 Oct 2004

Quote by McGuinness
That is so funny, not long after rescuing my faithful friend from the bastard that used to own him i was stroking his tummy and thought, oh poor thing he's got zits!!!! Well knowing that zits always feel better after they've burst i started to squeeze his "spots" real hard.

Lucky he didn't bite you :shock: rolleyes

21 Oct 2004

On a night out one evening with my parents we were all telling jokes etc; when my mum suddenly asked "what,s muff diving"? we all froze for a second when my dad quickly remarked " It,s a man diving for muffs" luckily we laughed that much she did,nt get round to askind what,s a muff ? lol

She also used to say when we were naughty " do you want me to smack you?" as if we would say " yes please " :lol: :lol:

21 Oct 2004

My two sons when they were younger 11 and 6, were chating together at the back of the car , and i heard the elder one saying that at school he had a pie on a barm for lunch, he always called it a PB, just to make the younger one laugh , so the conversation contiued like this ie: PJ PB, and then suddenly BJ was mentioned , i was a bit shocked about this and turned around and asked whats a BJ? the younger one said " Blow Job"i did,nt ask how he knew this or if he knew what blow job meant. I think question time was over by then. lol

:shock:

21 Oct 2004

Sexyann i say that to my little girl..."Do you want a smack?"...and she normally says yes :shock: ...cause she knows i never will...she gets sent to her room instead lol

My mum asked me "Whats a pearl necklace ?"....i looked at her and said well mum..u own afew fake ones....With which she said no...i mean what they say on the porn videos your dad keeps getting me to watch :shock: .....with that i said ask dad then...and walked off redface

..... My parents r very open about sex and i beleive there swingers too but im not going to ask now am i confused

I was 17 when she asked that question but she has asked afew others...i just tell her to ask my brothers cause there older...plus i go surprised

ops: when she asks....

21 Oct 2004

When I was learning to fly my mother told me that I wasn't the first pilot in the family.
She told me of a cousin of hers who was about to crash "But fortunately he was able to ejaculate first."

21 Oct 2004

Givemeahug, i know what you mean , i must admit i say that to my 7 yr old son now lol

the 7 yr old worries me some times because he mentions things that make you think ! like my white blouse i use for a schoolie out fit... he described how i wear it , ..tied in the middle and i think oh no :shock: and he found my "rabbit" and said yewww whats this redface

, and the other day i caught him stripped to his boxers dancing in front of the neighbours 2 little girls dancing chippendale style :shock: :lol: swinging his hips and they were laughing surprised

ops:

21 Oct 2004

When i was 17 i went back home with a few male and female friends to find my mum or dad had found a porno mag of mine under my bed and had left it on the dining room table which there friends saw as did mine,they thought it was funny,i did not....
Many years later my wife told me that her mum had came over in the morning to take our son to school he came down stairs holding my wifes vibrator in his hands asking his gran what it was.......wife very embarrsed just glad i was not there! redface

ops:

21 Oct 2004

Oh sexyann..... rotflmao

...but your 7 year old is just enjoying himself......my 27 year(partner) old just keeps trying his hardest at that dance and still has me rolling around laughing...bless him he thinks its sexy rolleyes

.....

21 Oct 2004

lol....you'll be laughing at the other side of your face, if i get near you lad....what i always could'nt understand is how can you laugh at the other side of your face.....
you're not getting down from this table until you have eaten all your tea....
eh the belts hanging up in the pantry...you want me to get it out lad.....
what time do you call this......
wait till ya fathers home...and he hears about this.....
sophie and nige

21 Oct 2004

My dad is the best ... forever forgetting where things are .. and blaming the kids!!!!
Dad ... Bloody stupid bloody thing
Mum .. now what you lost
Dad .. a drill set ... I put it here
Mum .. well it's not there now you must have moved it
Dad.. I bloody well havent or I wouldn;t be looking for it would I?
Mum .. well I haven't seen it
Dad ... One of the kids must have it - have you seen them with it?
Mum .. oh yeah .. like I let the kids wander round and play with drills!!!
:shock:
But we had the usual ones as above.
Calista ..

21 Oct 2004

Quote by givemeahug
I was 17 when she asked that question but she has asked afew others...i just tell her to ask my brothers cause there older...plus i go when she asks....

Ahhhhhh.......... lol

:lol:
My nephew sometimes asks "questions" but, as I mentioned in another thread recently, I avoid answering or tell him to ask his Mum/Dad, because I don't know what stage they have him at. rolleyes

If he really needed to know, I would have no problem telling him though.

21 Oct 2004

my dad went into B&Q and asked where they kept their dildo rail :shock: lol

24 Oct 2004

when i told my mom that i was pregnant, and she replied, "How did that happen?" lol, bless...I was 27!!!!!