Tkano's agony uncle page! All your problems sorted!

29 May 2004

Montmorency..................... please do not put such idea's into Davej's head.
Kebab house he will not go !!! Davej please let me take your unfortunate buy and let me take him home with me.
I have another animal that thinks that he is something else. His name is fly.
The two of them can have the roam of my small piece of land holding. It would be company for fly as he is used to more company than I can give him.
Davej I have a small amount saved if you would like a contribution for him.

30 May 2004

Mrs FC you can have the damn dog. I spent all day knocking up a new kennel for him, only to get up this morning and find that he had eaten it, along with every plant in the garden and the best part of three quarters of mrs davej's favourite parousol. I have never seen such a hungry animal and I doubt that it could ever win a race. I still dispute Montmorency's claim that its a goat, I now accept after study that Malcolm was a Donkey but to be duped twice?....no thats too cruel.
I have other interests now anyway and the dog has taken second place to my racing pigeon. I managed to pick the bird up for Â£1000 from a Dick Turpin who I'm told is the finest pigeon breeder in England so I have real hopes for her chances. Her pedigree name is 'Polyantheous Queen Of Hearts' but Dick said that seeing as thats a mouthfull, he had shortened it to Polly. I can't race her at the moment as apparantly she is in her breeding cycle, hence her plummage turning bright reds, blus and oranges but when its over and she returns to being grey I will be giving her a go.

30 May 2004

What a coincidence :!: I bought a tortoise from a Dick Terrapin only last week. Funny really - I couldn't quite figure out the whiskers though and boy as a racing tortoise, was it fast. Is this a conspiracy confused

:

30 May 2004

Quote by westerross
What a coincidence :!: I bought a tortoise from a Dick Terrapin only last week. Funny really - I couldn't quite figure out the whiskers though and boy as a racing tortoise, was it fast. Is this a conspiracy :

Now I know just the bloke your on about Tune and he is a renowned fraudster. I wouldn't mind betting that what you thought was a tortoise is really a cat with a box strapped to its back and painted to look like a shell. I'm willing to bet that he told you that the reason your tortoise had fur on its legs was that it was wearing leg warmers to keep its muscles warm for racing. The only way to find out is to get it in your lounge and hiss at it. If it takes no notice then its a tortoise, if it legs it up yer curtains then cat it be.

30 May 2004

You know him confused

: :!:
I did better than hiss at it. I unstrapped the box. Strange though - inside I found 2 dead mice, three furballs and a lettuce leaf. I bet Mr Terrapin thought he was going to fool me with that last bit of authenticity :!:
Shit - the tortoise has just been sick on the carpet :!:

30 May 2004

It seems I have created a monster! :shock: :shock: :shock:
Thanks for all your input guys!
Now who wants to be the deputy Uncle or Aunt? smile

30 May 2004

Well Tkano,
things getting too big for you :shock:
I nominate Davej and MrsFC as Deputies lol

:lol:
Kit
xxx

30 May 2004

An excellent idea Kit I also nominate mrs FC
dear Mrs FC
I have noticed that my earlobes are starting to thicken and that it now takes me two stabs to get out of the chair which indicates to me that the years have finaly caught up with me. Is there anything you can suggest that would assist me to keep things going a little longer or should I prepare to smell of piss and biscuits with grace.

30 May 2004

Quote by davej
An excellent idea Kit I also nominate mrs FC
dear Mrs FC
I have noticed that my earlobes are starting to thicken and that it now takes me two stabs to get out of the chair which indicates to me that the years have finaly caught up with me. Is there anything you can suggest that would assist me to keep things going a little longer or should I prepare to smell of piss and biscuits with grace.

Did you say 'Prepare to...' It's only the biscuits I can't smell lol

Ooopss just realised I'm sitting in the room on my own :!:

30 May 2004

Thankyou for the confidence Kit and Davej................. but I must decline.
I have no training for counselling, and I do know that you need lots of CVQs and PHDs for this line of work.
I am definately not qualified.
How about MrFC he has degrees wink

30 May 2004

Quote by Tkano
It seems I have created a monster! :shock: :shock: :shock:

I'm sorry Tkano, but why do I get the overpowering feeling that this was said in the idiom of: "It seems I have created a monster - Grasshopper :!: " lol

:lol:

30 May 2004

Quote by MrsFC

I have no training for counselling, and I do know that you need lots of CVQs and PHDs for this line of work.
I am definately not qualified.
How about MrFC he has degrees

Mrs FC - when it comes to degrees you always put my temperature up by a couple - that should be enogh for any red-blooded male - don't be so shy and retiring.

30 May 2004

MrFC if you can lend me a copy of your degrees C.D. I would'nt mind listening myself.
Mrs FC I am happy to take advice from anyone and I am also hapPy to offer my own advice provided I can borrow Warwicks disclaimer in his signature.
Go for it MrFC

30 May 2004

Quote by MrsFC
How about MrFC he has degrees

3 degrees of easy so I hear confused

OK, let's test him, now then Mr FC, I have a problem with my stockings. They keep getting ripped :shock: How can I avoid that happening in the future :? :? :?
Kit
xxx

30 May 2004

Quote by westerross
Did you say 'Prepare to...' It's only the biscuits I can't smell Ooopss just realised I'm sitting in the room on my own :!:

:rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Seeing as my girls have spent the last few years trying to trash our home we cant wait until we can go round their house and pee on their sofa and pretend its our age and we cant help it.............we will have our revenge !!

30 May 2004

Kit
There is 15 Denier which is ladder resistant but you could go for the super dupper denier which are 70 denier mind you they only come in Navy, Blue or Black...now do you go for colour or rippabilitiy

30 May 2004

Quote by Kit
I have a problem with my stockings. They keep getting ripped :shock: How can I avoid that happening in the future :? :?
Kit
xxx

Take 'em off.

30 May 2004

Quote by davej
An excellent idea Kit I also nominate mrs FC
dear Mrs FC
I have noticed that my earlobes are starting to thicken and that it now takes me two stabs to get out of the chair which indicates to me that the years have finaly caught up with me. Is there anything you can suggest that would assist me to keep things going a little longer or should I prepare to smell of piss and biscuits with grace.

Mr DaveJ,
I am worried that you may well be jumping the gun: do you think you'd better ask Grace whether she is happy smelling of piss and biscuits? I do feel that this is stretching the bounds of any friendship somewhat, and good egg as she might well be, I feel this may be beyond the Pale. May I suggest that you 'break her in gradually', for example , you may wish to get her used to smelling of 'Horlicks' , 'Fiery Jack' or'rubber hot-water bottles', before progressing to the hard stuff. Her eventual agreement might be encouraged if you strike up a relationship with the lady, for example, you might like to partner her at Whist?
I feel I may have stumbled across a cunning plan to solve your other problem, namely, that of the racing parrot, sorry, pigeon. Ladies of Grace's vintage are well known to enjoy wearing hats with brightly coloured feathers protruding at unlikely angles; well, there you are! Persuade her that Polly is in fact the latest creation from a top Milner and she'll be your friend for life! (Just remember, when Polly shits all over her neck, do have the good manners to carry on as if nothing had happened; a Gentleman must have standards).
M.

30 May 2004

I feel like Alice in
I have been sucked into this weird place populated by a strange assortment of individuals many with a bizarre sense of humour - so instead of getting on with my work I am constantly drawn in to laugh at there antics.
Please help I have work to do.
CQ

30 May 2004

Quote by Kit
OK, let's test him, now then Mr FC, I have a problem with my stockings. They keep getting ripped :shock: How can I avoid that happening in the future :? :?
Kit
xxx

Dear Kit
Mrs davej had a similar problem and after experiamenting we have found that applying three coats of yacht varnish toughens em up a treat. I hope this is usefull too you

30 May 2004

Quote by celticq
I feel like Alice in
I have been sucked into this weird place populated by a strange assortment of individuals many with a bizarre sense of humour - so instead of getting on with my work I am constantly drawn in to laugh at there antics.
Please help I have work to do.
CQ

Dear Celticq
being sucked in this place seems quite common practise so do not fear about that. On your other point could I suggest employing a butler thereby enabling you to get the work done whilst being sucked in at the same time :shock:

30 May 2004

CQ
Don't despair..you are indded in a bizzare world..work to do you say when you could be having fun.
I say leave your troubles behind and get back to the virtual world, grab a drink from the GFZ and let reality take care of its self biggrin

30 May 2004

oooooooo, I like Davej's advice about getting a Butler, as for grabbing a drink in the GFZ MrFC, I think you will need to be more specific with your advice if you really wish to deputise for Tkano here rolleyes

Kit
xxx

30 May 2004

No I think Davej is more than qualified to deputise!!!
I thankyou

30 May 2004

Excellent advise all round. However I am unalbe to locate the Lady Seeks Bulter in the Photo Ads
Urgent Vacancy - Butler Required
Experienced Prefered though not essesntial - as willing to teach new skills
As for grabbing a drink well - I have never found a problem that a wee dram couldn't delay utill tomorrow.
Well done to the deputy uncles
CQ

30 May 2004

Celticq,
I think I may have found just who you're looking for
http://www.swingingheaven.co.uk/swingers-forum/viewtopic/12689.html
Angel (the helpful one)

30 May 2004

Quote by montmorency
I feel I may have stumbled across a cunning plan to solve your other problem, namely, that of the racing parrot, sorry, pigeon. Ladies of Grace's vintage are well known to enjoy wearing hats with brightly coloured feathers protruding at unlikely angles; well, there you are! Persuade her that Polly is in fact the latest creation from a top Milner and she'll be your friend for life! (Just remember, when Polly shits all over her neck, do have the good manners to carry on as if nothing had happened; a Gentleman must have standards).
M.

Whilst I applaud your comment Montmorency, I should like to add that you must consider the fact that my racing bird also has the ability to talk a few choice phrases which is another remarkable thing for a pigeon. I do agree that it would indeed look fine perched atop of my ladies head, as its plummage of bright red with blue highlights and tinges of purple, would compliment my dear wifes complexion. Its doubtfull if the birdie shite in her hair would notice that much as the pair are both grey in colour. But the fact that her new hat is capable of speech, would cause a stir in our local co-op.
This bird apparantly spent some time traveling to races on sea bound vessels and has therefore been subjected to some crudities from merchant seamen, who were careing for her. Phrases like " look at the arse on that" and "do ya shag it or back it into a set of shafts" caused a bit of a stir in our house and I am sure would'nt go down well at a whist drive.
The creature also constantly whistles and sings a song about 'Snow White' and 'Seven Up' we have'nt been able to make the connection between Snow White and a soft drink yet, but we are sure it will come

30 May 2004

DAVEJ WHO WILL NOMINATE HIM TO BE SH's OFFICAL UNCLE !!!
Let me be the 1st to vote

Thankyou MrFC for your vote of confidence!!

30 May 2004

I thought I had already nominated Davej, but then the old grey matter is not what it used to be wink

30 May 2004

I'm applying for the Butler job!!!!