Quote by MrFC
I'm applying for the Butler job!!!!
I think it's already been filled, see my post further up the page
Sex God
I think it's already been filled, see my post further up the page
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Tkano's agony uncle page! All your problems sorted!
I think it's already been filled, see my post further up the page
Sex God
Quote by MrFC
I'm applying for the Butler job!!!!
There you go Celticq your problem solved already. I have seen him in the GFZ in an apron and very fetching it looks.
Sex God
Quote by Angel Chat
Celticq,
I think I may have found just who you're looking for
http://www.swingingheaven.co.uk/swingers-forum/viewtopic/12689.html
Angel (the helpful one)
Go for it celticq, as Angel says this should be ideal.
Angel how on earth did you find that
Sex God
Quote by davej
I feel I may have stumbled across a cunning plan to solve your other problem, namely, that of the racing parrot, sorry, pigeon. Ladies of Grace's vintage are well known to enjoy wearing hats with brightly coloured feathers protruding at unlikely angles; well, there you are! Persuade her that Polly is in fact the latest creation from a top Milner and she'll be your friend for life! (Just remember, when Polly shits all over her neck, do have the good manners to carry on as if nothing had happened; a Gentleman must have standards).
M.
Whilst I applaud your comment Montmorency, I should like to add that you must consider the fact that my racing bird also has the ability to talk a few choice phrases which is another remarkable thing for a pigeon.
Yeah but what about my racing tortoise - he's quite a bit of a conversationalist as well. His miaows always drop me in the shit with the race scrutineers.
Sex God
Quote by westerross
Yeah but what about my racing tortoise - he's quite a bit of a conversationalist as well. His miaows always drop me in the shit with the race scrutineers.
Itsa well known fact that tortoises are capable of imitation and you should point this out when the scrutineers question the validity of your entry when it miaows like a kitten. I myself have witnessed this feat of mimicry.
Fling a tortoise down a road and it will squeal like the brakes of a car. Sling it in a pan of boiling water and hey presto it sceams like a lobster. Hit it with a hammer and it sounds remarkably like a walnut being cracked. Take confidence from this and get it entered in races and bugger the judges
Quote by davej
Yeah but what about my racing tortoise - he's quite a bit of a conversationalist as well. His miaows always drop me in the shit with the race scrutineers.
Itsa well known fact that tortoises are capable of imitation and you should point this out when the scrutineers question the validity of your entry when it miaows like a kitten. I myself have witnessed this feat of mimicry.
Fling a tortoise down a road and it will squeel like the brakes of a car. Sling it in a pan of boiling water and hey presto it sceams like a lobster. Hit it with a hammer and it sounds remarkably like a walnut being cracked. Take confidence from this and get it entered in races and bugger the judges
Pardon me, again, Mr Dave J, Sir,
May I humbly suggest that your suggested action may not be appropriate PRE-race; I suggest you let the race be run and THEN bugger the judges.
In my frequent visits to Her Majesty's Courts of Law, always as a result of gross miscarriages of justice, I happened to note that Judges are rather particular about the manner of their buggering. They much preferred it between afternoon tea and dressing for Dinner-apparently saves having the old red-robe cleaned twice.
I hope you will forgive my little interjection, but I do like to be of service (just ask the Judges at 'The Bailey'!).
M
PS I shall not offer advice on the tortoise issue: I do not like them! They are slow, idle and slothful inhabitants of cheap 'shell-suit'.....and as a poet, I've seen too many matching this description when signing on for my 'Giro'!!
For long have I admired DaveJ and his attitude to life in general. Some threads ago he actually stapled his scrotum to a breadboard - what a man!!!! :shock:
Now however, I am beginning to doubt his sanity. How can one man be taken in so easily? His knowledge of animals is obviously sparse and his attitude to the treatmenat of tortoises is, shall we be kind and say, deplorable.
I for one would have had DaveJ as my number one for the post of Agony Uncle but am beginning to have serious doubts. I mean, one could think that he lives in some sort of fantasy world - whereas the rest of us live in the real world.
So DaveJ; get a bloody grip man!!!! And I expect to see an improvement in your posts within this forum!!!
Regards - and best wishes for a speedy recovery
Paul
Now however, I am beginning to doubt his sanity. How can one man be taken in so easily? His knowledge of animals is obviously sparse and his attitude to the treatmenat of tortoises is, shall we be kind and say, deplorable.
I for one would have had DaveJ as my number one for the post of Agony Uncle but am beginning to have serious doubts. I mean, one could think that he lives in some sort of fantasy world - whereas the rest of us live in the real world.
So DaveJ; get a bloody grip man!!!! And I expect to see an improvement in your posts within this forum!!!
Regards - and best wishes for a speedy recovery
Paul
Sex God
Quote by Fun365
I for one would have had DaveJ as my number one for the post of Agony Uncle but am beginning to have serious doubts. I mean, one could think that he lives in some sort of fantasy world - whereas the rest of us live in the real world.
Paul
Dear Paul your comments have really hit home with me. I had no idea that my posts made me out to be someone who lives in a different world. I read them before going to bed last night and to be honest they played on my mind, do I live in a fantasy world? is everyone else on a different planet to me?
The answer came this morning whilst having breakfast on my balcony. I looked across the valley below our house as the sun rose and I heard birds singing , saw trees and meadows glistning with dew, Unicorns were gently grazing along the river bank and the fairies were still sleeping in hammocks made from spiders webs and I thought, whats not normal about this. So I guess I do live in the real world.
Its untrue that my knowledge of animals isnt great, my god I have had more pets than its possible to count my garden is a pet cemetry. All have been treated with kindness. The only reason I found out that Tortoises are good mimicks was because when we put ours into the chest freezer for its winter hibernation we were amazed at how quickly it settled down and immediately withdrew all its extremities to mimick as best it could, a large Cornish Pastie.
Quote by MISSCHIEF
Unicorns were gently grazing
Dave :doh:
You really must learn your animals a bit more. Everyone knows you don't get Unicorns in Hertfordshire ... What you were looking at was quite obviously a common rhinocerous.
:smug: :smug: :smug:
Sorry to have to correct you Misschief.. But I've worked in Herts and it's not the common Rhino... it's the lesser spotted dwarf Rhino. Common Rhinos are only found in Hants.
Regards
Paul
Quote by Fun365
Sorry to have to correct you Misschief.. But I've worked in Herts and it's not the common Rhino... it's the lesser spotted dwarf Rhino. Common Rhinos are only found in Hants.
No no no! I was out walking last summer with Farmer Trevor. We had to stop after 10 minutes as I was shattered - well have you walked through a field in kitten heeled shoes? which the previous year was inhabited by cows! And that year was left fallow! The only way he could locate me, in the long grass, after falling flat on my face for the one hundred and thirty seventh time was by the 50 litre rucksack I was carrying containing a rather delicious picnic/banquet, chairs and cute little fold up table I spotted at a car boot sale the week before, for 30p, and thought woud be ideal. We stopped and rested while he gave my feet a magical foot massage (although I was a bit worried as to how they where going to squeeze back in the above mentioned shoes) ........ This is the point he said it, his exact words were ............ 'Uneeeecornnnnn pads 'ere'.
Sadly I didn't get to see one padding gently through the field, and to be quite frank I'm not surprised. Unless you have feet the impressive size of Trevors, then you don't stand a chance of staying upright, no wonder they're endangered. I think they must be early morning creatures. Although we had set off really early (about !) we didn't actually begin our walk until 12 because of the difficulties of me learning to walk with a rucksack. I'm very impressed at these travellers that take a year out to travel, I don't know how they do it, my hat goes off to them.
So you see Paul, Unicorns are in Hampshire - Trevor told me and he knows everything
:smug: :smug: :smug:
Quote by MISSCHIEF
Sorry to have to correct you Misschief.. But I've worked in Herts and it's not the common Rhino... it's the lesser spotted dwarf Rhino. Common Rhinos are only found in Hants.
No no no! I was out walking last summer with Farmer Trevor. We had to stop after 10 minutes as I was shattered - well have you walked through a field in kitten heeled shoes? which the previous year was inhabited by cows! And that year was left fallow! The only way he could locate me, in the long grass, after falling flat on my face for the one hundred and thirty seventh time was by the 50 litre rucksack I was carrying containing a rather delicious picnic/banquet, chairs and cute little fold up table I spotted at a car boot sale the week before, for 30p, and thought woud be ideal. We stopped and rested while he gave my feet a magical foot massage (although I was a bit worried as to how they where going to squeeze back in the above mentioned shoes) ........ This is the point he said it, his exact words were ............ 'Uneeeecornnnnn pads 'ere'.
Sadly I didn't get to see one padding gently through the field, and to be quite frank I'm not surprised. Unless you have feet the impressive size of Trevors, then you don't stand a chance of staying upright, no wonder they're endangered. I think they must be early morning creatures. Although we had set off really early (about !) we didn't actually begin our walk until 12 because of the difficulties of me learning to walk with a rucksack. I'm very impressed at these travellers that take a year out to travel, I don't know how they do it, my hat goes off to them.
So you see Paul, Unicorns are in Hampshire - Trevor told me and he knows everything
:smug: :smug: :smug:
Dear Misschief;
I think that you must have been inhaling the 'holy erb' this morning.... If you review my post at no point did I mention Unicorns.. We were on Rhinos.
I also think (sorry to say this) that Framer Trevor has fooled you - and anyway why bloody hook up with someone with hobbits feet.
I agree however that Unique Horns are in Hampshire . I often find one under the covers of my duvet when I wake up in the morning...
My kindest regards
Paul
Quote by davej
I for one would have had DaveJ as my number one for the post of Agony Uncle but am beginning to have serious doubts. I mean, one could think that he lives in some sort of fantasy world - whereas the rest of us live in the real world.
Paul
Dear Paul your comments have really hit home with me. I had no idea that my posts made me out to be someone who lives in a different world. I read them before going to bed last night and to be honest they played on my mind, do I live in a fantasy world? is everyone else on a different planet to me?
The answer came this morning whilst having breakfast on my balcony. I looked across the valley below our house as the sun rose and I heard birds singing , saw trees and meadows glistning with dew, Unicorns were gently grazing along the river bank and the fairies were still sleeping in hammocks made from spiders webs and I thought, whats not normal about this. So I guess I do live in the real world.
Its untrue that my knowledge of animals isnt great, my god I have had more pets than its possible to count my garden is a pet cemetry. All have been treated with kindness. The only reason I found out that Tortoises are good mimicks was because when we put ours into the chest freezer for its winter hibernation we were amazed at how quickly it settled down and immediately withdrew all its extremities to mimick as best it could, a large Cornish Pastie.
Dear Davej;
Gald that my comments have struck a chord and that you have reviewed your previous posts and hopefully your life.
Your vista of Unicorns grazing and faires sleeping in web hammocks brought a tear to my eye. But, and there is always a but, I think that you still have a fantasy world problem - coz I don't believe that you have a balcony!!!!!
Regards
Paul
Quote by Fun365
I think that you must have been inhaling the 'holy erb' this morning.... If you review my post at no point did I mention Unicorns.. We were on Rhinos.
Paul!!!!! :eeek:
You said that Dave saw the lesser spotted rhino when I said he saw the common rhino and not a Unicorn as Unicorns don't live in Hertfordshire they live down here cos Trever told me then you said it was a common rhino I saw not a Unicorn which I didn't actually see but was told about therefore you were talking about Unicorns.
<Draws Breath>
Quote by Fun365
why bloody hook up with someone with hobbits feet.
You need to ask????
8-) 8-) Sex God
Quote by davej
The only reason I found out that Tortoises are good mimicks was because when we put ours into the chest freezer for its winter hibernation we were amazed at how quickly it settled down and immediately withdrew all its extremities to mimick as best it could, a large Cornish Pastie.
My Cornish Pastie just miaowed :!:
Sex God
Quote by MISSCHIEF
You really must learn your animals a bit more. Everyone knows you don't get Unicorns in Hertfordshire ... What you were looking at was quite obviously a common rhinocerous.
:smug: :smug: :smug:
Nooooo.... MISSCHIEF....Noooooo.... when did you and Trevor come and rustle me Unicorns get em back here straight away. I dont want a bloody Rhino in the back yard the damn things have no brains and as with a number of other beasts, are prolific crappers whereas Unicorns dont pooh they just gently release glitter from their nether regions. Our garden used to be covered in Unicorn glitter and now we are knee deep in Rhino crap.
I tell you what, we will swop you a pair of dwarf Bison for a pair of Unicorns. They are no bigger than a Labrador dog and highly intelligent. They are easily trained and make faithfull companions. We had one some years ago and it used to curl up on my lap and keep me company of a night time.
Oii Paul have too got a balcony........its not as effective as it would be if it was built onto a house instead of our bungalow, but balcony it is!!!
Quote by davej
whereas Unicorns dont pooh they just gently release glitter from their nether regions. Our garden used to be covered in Unicorn glitter and now we are knee deep in Rhino crap.
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: OH NO!!!! :rotflmao: ...... That's really tickled me :lol2: gonna be giggling all eve now, and probably well into tomorrow too! People in accounts just don't do giggling, now I'm gonna look such an amateur at work
My Christmases will never be the same again
Whether it's glitter or the common brown stuff, it's all from the same place Sex God
Quote by MISSCHIEF
My Christmases will never be the same again :
Dont even think about trying to get your / my Unicorns on your christmas tree, they are crap at climbing and will fall off..............
A broken Unicorn is seven years bad luck you know !!
Quote by davej
I tell you what, we will swop you a pair of dwarf Bison for a pair of Unicorns. They are no bigger than a Labrador dog and highly intelligent. They are easily trained and make faithfull companions. We had one some years ago and it used to curl up on my lap and keep me company of a night time.
Dave, please don't think I doubt you, but these Bison don't Oink by any chance do they? :undecided:
Davej
:loon: :loon: Sex God
Quote by MISSCHIEF
Dave, please don't think I doubt you, but these Bison don't Oink by any chance do they? :undecided:
Davej
No, the only oink I got after pressing the little buttons in my Johny Morris zoo book, was from the giraffe. Admittedly some of the sounds have faded as it still has the original battery in it but I think its right.
As this is supposed to be a problems thread I also took the oppurtunity to search for Bisons on the net for those of you that want one and the only place I managed to find, that had them in stock, was Homebase. Whats more they are doing a special offer at the moment where their Bisons come complete with taps and a trap. Now I can understand why they would include the trap as you might want to re-catch your bison at some stage but the taps have me puzzled.
Sex God
Quote by MISSCHIEF
no no no! I was out walking last summer with Farmer Trevor. We had to stop after 10 minutes as I was shattered - well have you walked through a field in kitten heeled shoes? which the previous year was inhabited by cows! And that year was left fallow! The only way he could locate me, in the long grass, after falling flat on my face for the one hundred and thirty seventh time was by the 50 litre rucksack I was carrying containing a rather delicious picnic/banquet, chairs and cute little fold up table I spotted at a car boot sale the week before, for 30p, and thought woud be ideal. We stopped and rested while he gave my feet a magical foot massage (although I was a bit worried as to how they where going to squeeze back in the above mentioned shoes) ........ This is the point he said it, his exact words were ............ 'Uneeeecornnnnn pads 'ere'.
Sadly I didn't get to see one padding gently through the field, and to be quite frank I'm not surprised. Unless you have feet the impressive size of Trevors, then you don't stand a chance of staying upright, no wonder they're endangered. I think they must be early morning creatures. Although we had set off really early (about !) we didn't actually begin our walk until 12 because of the difficulties of me learning to walk with a rucksack. I'm very impressed at these travellers that take a year out to travel, I don't know how they do it, my hat goes off to them.
So you see Paul, Unicorns are in Hampshire - Trevor told me and he knows everything
:smug: :smug: :smug:
Does Trevor have a similar accent to the Wurzels by any chance. I would also like to get things a little straighter and I am a little bit confused as to who you were walking with as it seems that you were walking with two people, Trevor and a Mr. Rick Sack.
Quote by Tkano
I think you two need to seek serious professional help! :shock:
Looks like I found my deputies!
Pray continue giving your insane advice my disciples! :D
Tkano; Wise choice indeed. Both of these lovely people show an intimate knowledge of the world in general and can also lend a sympathetic ear to others problems.
Paul
Sex God
Quote by Tkano
Hello there, fellow SH members!
I thought I'd start a topic in which anybody who needs a problem solved could come and ask for a possible solution or advice!
Also it would allow other members to try to help, not just me of course!
So if you have an emotional, sexual,swinging,financial or other problem bring it here and Uncle Tkano will try to give some advice! :)
bye for now! :)
Dear Uncle Tkano..........
Where are my keys?
Sex God
Quote by Silk and Big G
Hello there, fellow SH members!
I thought I'd start a topic in which anybody who needs a problem solved could come and ask for a possible solution or advice!
Also it would allow other members to try to help, not just me of course!
So if you have an emotional, sexual,swinging,financial or other problem bring it here and Uncle Tkano will try to give some advice! :)
bye for now! :)
Dear Uncle Tkano..........
Where are my keys?
Where you last left them...............next!!
Sex God
Quote by davej
Hello there, fellow SH members!
I thought I'd start a topic in which anybody who needs a problem solved could come and ask for a possible solution or advice!
Also it would allow other members to try to help, not just me of course!
So if you have an emotional, sexual,swinging,financial or other problem bring it here and Uncle Tkano will try to give some advice! :)
bye for now! :)
Dear Uncle Tkano..........
Where are my keys?
Where you last left them...............next!!
Low and Behold, I stand in the shadow of brilliance that is Uncle Tkano. (and to think people waste millions on getting advice everyday!!!)
Ok....next.....Do I turn left at this next roundabout???
Sex God
Problem tonight Davej......what to cook for dinner?
