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Tkano's agony uncle page! All your problems sorted!

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Quote by davej
I am in my mid forties I am in the fortunate position that hair is growing in my ears at an alarming rate. I currently remove this with a small trimmer.
Should I now stop this hair removal and allow it to grow so that it falls gently onto my shoulders as a replacement for the hair that is no longer on my head.

OK Dave, quiet word in your ear please, might be the last quiet word you get if you go ahead with your plan :lol2:
You could go ahead and grow your ear hair, but I fear it is the wrong time of year to start. It's great once it is long, you will be able to have 2 pony tails instead of the single one sported by the 'head hair' gang. Being of the lesser haired variety, you may well have forgotten that 'in between' stage when growing it. The problem is with ear hair is that the 'in between' stage is going to make you look like you're wearing fluffy ear muffs. OK for winter, but you're gonna look pretty daft in this weather!
Quote by Fun365
I was thinking of investing in a syrup but would need some advice as to whether this is a wise course of action..

Paul, yes indeed, you can go down this road. If you do then it seems to be the fashion to still have your real hair around bottom still on display. It seems to be important to buy the syrup in a shade darker than your natural hair. Also, if your hair is now greying, maybe buy a syrup in jet black, this will create the illusion of not only virility but youth as well ...... and once again Paul, the 'raucous laughter' you described, will be all yours cool
Failing this Davej and Fun365, may I suggest a different approach? Why don't you draw attention to something you do have. Perhaps towards your feet. Everyone knows big feet are a sign of great virility and manliness. You could accentuate this feature by investing in a proper pair of clown shoes. Maybe in bright colours to draw the eye away from your lack of pony tails. Just a thought.....
Hope this helps, good luck to you both biggrin
Quote by MISSCHIEF
Failing this Davej and Fun365, may I suggest a different approach? Why don't you draw attention to something you do have. Perhaps towards your feet. Everyone knows big feet are a sign of great virility and manliness. You could accentuate this feature by investing in a proper pair of clown shoes. Maybe in bright colours to draw the eye away from your lack of pony tails. Just a thought.....
Hope this helps, good luck to you both biggrin

But then people wont take us seriously.... lol
There I was last night, settled in front of the laptop, bottle of my favourite Frascati on one side, plate waiting for crispy shredded duck to be delivered on the other, classic fmtv on low in the background; looking forward to spending a pleasant evening in the company of you lovely people (all of you). Could I just say that I am one of those silly, happy giggly sort of drunks. I can see humour in all things when sober so most things become funny when I’ve had a few.
So; there I was. Joining in, happy, just starting to enjoy the ‘crack’ of the site, getting merrily lost everywhere and trying to follow directions given to put me right when – in she came. All sweetness and light bearing some of my favourite tipples and some other stuff. Made me, nay, forced me to drink more. Plied me with vodka screamers. Rhubarb & Custard? Honeycomb? Strawberry? Apple? More like Carpet & Chair leg methinks.
And the rest; as they say, is history.
So. My question on the Agony page (if I’m not lost again) is this. Why, oh why, is it so easy for the ‘little head’ to rule the big head? Or, is that just me?
Quote by dambuster
So. My question on the Agony page (if I’m not lost again) is this. Why, oh why, is it so easy for the ‘little head’ to rule the big head? Or, is that just me?

Dear Dambuster, firstly you should refrain from making a public distinction between your two heads by naming them little and large, this will only make people think that you have a small willy instead of an enourmous throbbing member that could live as a seperate being if only it had its own set of lungs........ No Dambuster much better to call them your good brain and your bad brain.
You do not give your age but from research into other cases, I can assume that you have not yet reached middle age and age is the critical factor in this problem.
I would suggest that you continue to try and resist temtation but if thats impossible, then just wait a few years until you have reached the stage where a cup of tea and a custard cream seems a more exciting proposition and where any requirements for foerplay are subbed out.
Quote by davej
Failing this Davej and Fun365, may I suggest a different approach? Why don't you draw attention to something you do have. Perhaps towards your feet. Everyone knows big feet are a sign of great virility and manliness. You could accentuate this feature by investing in a proper pair of clown shoes. Maybe in bright colours to draw the eye away from your lack of pony tails. Just a thought.....
Hope this helps, good luck to you both biggrin

But then people wont take us seriously.... lol
Wise words from Misschief... Will be off into town on Monday for a nice set of clown shoes..
ps: Also, have started knitting myself a syrup redface
Paul
Quote by davej
Dear Dambuster, firstly you should refrain from making a public distinction between your two heads by naming them little and large, this will only make people think that you have a small willy instead of an enourmous throbbing member that could live as a seperate being if only it had its own set of lungs........ No Dambuster much better to call them your good brain and your bad brain.
You do not give your age but from research into other cases, I can assume that you have not yet reached middle age and age is the critical factor in this problem.
I would suggest that you continue to try and resist temtation but if thats impossible, then just wait a few years until you have reached the stage where a cup of tea and a custard cream seems a more exciting proposition and where any requirements for foerplay are subbed out.

Small willy. I can't lie to people to make them feel good - not even to myself
When does middle age start?? (think it may have sneakily passed me by)
Custard cream and tea more exciting proposition. Please GOD - No - NEVER
Requirements for foreplay. Problem there, when i succumb to temptation she doesn't want the foreplay or indeed the 'aftplay' just the middle sweaty bit. For the first time in my life it is now ok to be like a P & O ferry. Don't like it.
Hi Dambuster, you might want to start a hobby like stamp collecting. This will bore your little head but interest your big head. Or you might like to start acting like a thirteen year old and practice the art of masterbation regularly over magazines such as FHM and LOADED!
Also you might want to take sleeping pills before you go to sleep at night! wink
Well, if Dambuster takes up both suggestions above, he will have something to stick the stamps to the pages of the album with! lol :lol:
Mike.
Someone has reached middle age when they are 10 years older than you are . Re syrups , I still have my 70s disco macho man chest wig complete with embedded medalion in a trunk in the loft . I will try balancing this on my bald spot next time I nip into Asda to renew the freezer stash , and see if I get groped in the aisles by any horny housewives who are hoplessy turned on by it.
Quote by Tkano
Hi Dambuster, you might want to start a hobby like stamp collecting. This will bore your little head but interest your big head. Or you might like to start acting like a thirteen year old and practice the art of masterbation regularly over magazines such as FHM and LOADED!
Also you might want to take sleeping pills before you go to sleep at night! wink

I live in a truck all week. How do you think I get to sleep???
I take natures best sleeping pill. No natures second best sleeping pill.
What are you talking about Damnbuster? Hot chocolate and cookies? :twisted:
Was thinking more Swarfega and beans.
That's beans into the swarfega tub, not swarfega into the beans.
But I'll see if I can't try the chocolate and cookies. I hope the cookes go really soft and mushy. Wouldn't want crispy bits getting anywhere untoward like sand does.
Um...What is Swarfega? confused
It's the green stuff my Uncle George uses to wash his hands with biggrin
Is it stil used? confused
it is my old man uses Swarfega strange substance its full of bits! you have to be careful with it it will cut your hands to shreds! its green and gooy and slimey!
Quote by Chris002
Swarfega strange substance its full of bits! you have to be careful with it it will cut your hands to shreds! its green and gooy and slimey!

That's my ex husband!! :shock:
eewww !!!! All I can imagine is very small children with dirty noses :shock: :shock:
Swarfega is not a substance to be sneezed at! If you ever get your hands dirty for any reason it’s great for washing your hands of bad rubbish, if you get my drift!
lol
If you want to be coarse; you can use tufenega. It's orange, smells of oranges (ish) and has polychips in it.
OMG !!!! :shock: :shock:
Who thinks up these concoctions, to clean hands, myself I prefer fairy, biggrin :D its goes on for longer and is kind to your hands. lol
Quote by MrsFC
OMG !!!! :shock: :shock:
Who thinks up these concoctions, to clean hands, myself I prefer fairy, biggrin :D its goes on for longer and is kind to your hands. lol

Mrs FC please dont use fairies to clean your hands, they are becoming very rare and the rest of us will not have anything to put on top of our christmas trees.
What is it with women and couples on this site... I try my best and yet nothing happens.
I've indicated previously that I am somewhat challenged in the follicle area. So, to get over this I decided that I needed a syrup (wig, rug etc). Not being able to afford one, they are bloody expensive, I decided to knit one. Talk about success - I now have a wonderful off grey dreadlock wig. It's perfect, even if I say so myself. Wore it to the pub yesterday and what a reaction. Some people stared open mouthed in admiration whilst others slyly smiled in a jealous sort of way. A couple of ladies even came up to me (obviously gagging for it) and said " you look a complete twat". Whilst "twat" is an alien word to me, when I asked my friend 'Ron the painter' he said that it was a term of endearment and I should continue with the dreadlocks as success would be round the corner. I popped round the corner - but nothing happened. The pubs doors were locked when I tried to get back in.
I decided not to place an ad - as the advice on the forum is to get yourself known and then everything will fall in to place. Well I'm sorry, but the square root of fuck all has happened. Not only have I not been swamped with mails from 'swingers' I have now taken to anonomously mailing myself in the hope that I have some success. This has worked to a certain degree as I have arranged some meets. But it's bloody typical that I don't turn up at the arranged venue. I shall persevere.
I though that I would try PMs as it has been indicated that everybody loves them. Well, don't you fucking well believe it. I have now sent out 974 PMs with the sensitive yet direct message " Anyone looking for a fuck from a huge cocked superstud"
I have had some replies - but they all seem to be along the lines of " fuck off you complete moron". Why do people have to be so rude. My motto has always been if you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all. However, I am not downhearted and will persevere with this tactic as I know I will succeed eventually.
I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions as to how I can improve my strike rate.
Thankyou for any help
Paul
ps: can you tell I am somewhat bored this morning
Quote by davej
OMG !!!! :shock: :shock:
Who thinks up these concoctions, to clean hands, myself I prefer fairy, biggrin :D its goes on for longer and is kind to your hands. lol

Mrs FC please dont use fairies to clean your hands, they are becoming very rare and the rest of us will not have anything to put on top of our christmas trees.
This post has caused me to (reluctantly) emerge from the sanctuary of the Tin Shed. I normally support the ever-wise words of Mr DaveJ with alacrity. However, this time I cannot.
Mr DaveJ, Sir, there are several facts which I think you should consider:
1/Fairies are NOT suited to, and indeed dislike, being perched atop a Christmas Tree; they are, in fact, terrified of heights. Have you never noticed that in all pictures of them, they are hovering only just above the ground? They do not normally fly very high and are poor fliers: have you never noticed 'Fairy Rings' in your garden or in a field? Idiotic scientists have stated this is due to spores from mushrooms and fungi. Piffle! It is the result of little trainee Fairies running round and round and round trying to get enough speed to achieve lift off.
2/Fairies are a protected species under 'The Wildlife and Countryside Act of 1981'. It is illegal to remove, disturb or harm them. Mrs FC, I really think you should bear that in mind before washing your pinkies with them! It may be a tad embarrasing to have the long arm of the law suddenly grabbing hold of you??
3/ EC Directive 92/43/EEC (colloquially known as 'The Habitats Directive') puts a duty on the Government to protect the habitats of native creatures, especially those that are becoming rare. Normally this is done by Government Agencies but, in the case of Fairies, it is me. I approached them to ask for this job as, being a poet, I saw more Fairies, Elves, Brownies and mystical entities than most. The officials agreed with me and said that I was well suited as I was obviously away with them anyway. So, do not interfere with their little grottos! Or Oberon and I will be round 'with the boys'!
4/Returning to the Christmas theme, please refrain from putting Fairy Lights on your tree. It really is unfair to rob these little people of their illumination at the darkest time of the year. Remember , a Fairy is for 'never-never', not just for Christmas.
5/ If you require any more information on Fairies, Elves, fauns, Pixies or 'little people', please contact me, or my equivalent in the USA, Mr. Jackson (although he doesn't appear to be answering his telephone at the moment).
Regards
Montmorency
Chairman of Fairy: National Union of Faerie Folk ( FAIRYNUFF)
Hey Paul there is nothing wrong with your tactics and the steps you are taking will reap reward in the end.
My only critisicm would be your use of a home made knitted wig. I am also a slap head and used a similar approach back in the late seventies and was very successfull. The reason being, was that perms on men, were popular in the seventies and in poor light I looked like Kevin Keegan. However times have moved on and after a lot of study into current fashions, I have found that the desired look these days is for hair that is well gelled and wet looking. This cannot be achieved with a plain knit. I have experiamented and found that an indelible marker pen is just the thing.
Get your partner to draw your hair onto your head with one of these pens and it will dry with a nice sheen to it, giving you an instant gell look. Whats more you can change your style with ease. Fringes or partings are no problem and an array of colours are also possible, why I have even added some facial stubble in the past with stunning effect.
This has changed my life and now when I step out with mrs davej I get stared at all the time. Never before have girls huddled in corners and pointed me out to their friends as much as they do now.
I have recently enhanced this look by taking things a step further and prior to drawing on my hair I give my face a single coat of cuprinol tan fence life, this gives me a 'just been to the med' look. I then do my hair in my favourite jet black pen with elongated sideburns (these are coming back in fashion) and finish the whole thing off by buffing my teeth up to a pure white finish with some japlac radiator enamel. Finish the whole thing off with a purple satin shirt slashed open to the waist and a gold chain and medallion (use christmas tree chocolate money it looks the same) and 'bobs yer uncle' every fookers head will turn as you enter a bar.
So keep it going perhaps go from knitted to drawn.
Bloody hell monty, I had no idea !!! so aghast was I at your suggestion that fairies dont like heights, I took the step of raking through the crap in the garage, to get at the christmas box, not easy to do, as this is normally a job that mrs davej does. My thoughts were to get at the fairy and check if she could fly at height or if indeed, she just hovered at ground level.
I stood her on the drive and waited for her to wake and hover. Nothing. Zilch. She never bloody moved. So its reasonable for me to assume that the hovering just above the ground bit was... well....bollox, so I took her upstairs and flung her outa the window. Much better.....she at least flew. Clearly still groogy after being in a box for six months, her flight was in a rapidly descending plane, but flight through the air, it was.
I did this three or four times running downstairs and then back up to fling her outa the window again and again, until her head fell off and each time she flew. Every time I left her laying on the drive, she never moved.
I reckon that your story is hogwash and my experiaments with Mirrabelle have proved it.
Bloody hell Davej. I can always rely on you for a reasoned response.
I encountered a couple of problems in that I don't have a partner (well not on a daily basis wink ) and nor do I have any marker pens.
Luckily in my sons bedroom was some red acrylic paint. Well, you can imagine at this time it is vital to show that we all support the boys in Euro 2004. What better way than to paint a Cross of St George on the old dome..
Just been to the pub - only stayed for one as everybody laughed :shock: :shock: :shock:
I came home in tears :cry: :cry:
Regards
Paul
Quote by davej
I reckon that your story is hogwash and my experiaments with Mirrabelle have proved it.

HOGWASH!!! :shock:
Mr Dave J, Sir, I am aghast (and ghasts are not things you should annoy!). I , and my little winged friends, here in the Tin Shed, are bereft. I have only just managed to console Titania, who is Mirrabelle's Fairy Godmother, and has been searching for her precious relative ever since she was kidnapped by marauding Elves and carrried away to be sold to the infamous 'Woolly Worth Gang', a wicked band of pirates and 'Christmas Traders'. It is obvious to us-and frankly, we don't understand why you couldn't see it-that poor Mirabelle was already dead when you attempted your callous experiment. Oh, the poor, lonely little thing. she obviously died of a broken heart (hastened by a length of Norway Spruce up her jacksy) while perched atop your abominable tree. I just pray that you didn't make her suffer even more horribly by letting her see the 'Only Fools and Horses' Christmas Special. Please, at least make some amends for your wickedness, and return her little corpse-assuming the magpies haven't wuffed it-to her grieving relatives, here in the Tin Shed. You might wish to make an offering-say, a few hundred of your human pounds-to placate the Fairies. They have no use for money, but merely like the colour and smell of it, and the pretty pictures of 'The Corgi Lady', as they affectionately call her. I will ensure its safekeeping as I am their banker/financial adviser.
M.
'
Paul and Davej, why..... why .....do you feel that you have to go to such lengths, to look your best. rolleyes
I for one do have a liking for slap heads as Davej put it. There are also benefits to your lack of folicles. No blocking the bath with all the hairs that fall out.
No man should be in the bathroom for more than 2 minutes. Otherwise this would indicate that he is vain and will have no time to attend to his female companion.
As I always say Less is More ! wink