Tkano,
I have a real big problem. I have tried agony aunts before to try and get an explanation of why I have this and also a solution, but it was obviously too vile for their female ears as the only reply I received was from their laywers requesting I stump up some cash for their ongoing phsycological treatment. So as you are offering an agony uncle service I was wondering if your ears are a bit more robust and could therefore provide me with a suitable reply?
here goes:
I am a southern, football loving, hard drinking, pool playing, joke telling, tattooed, casually dressed bi-man. My local is the hardest pub in my city which on a good night is full of the foulest mouthed, muscled, dirtiest, most pierced, ugly looking bunch you would ever like to meet - and that does include the women. All I want to do is to be able to suggest to my mates that we go into another pub in the city that is full of smart young people who are all drinking alco-pops and wearing nice shirts and ties. The thing is the type of reaction I might get if I suggest this would be the same if I stood up on the pool table in my local and shouted at the top of my voice that I'd like to blow the guy in the corner whilst his missus took me from behind with a strap-on. Help please, what can I do without changing my mates and my local, cause I totally enjoy the lock-ins that we have have, the beer swilling footy songs we sing when we are finally kicked out and the rather dodgy ambience of the place.
yours desperatley
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Tkano's agony uncle page! All your problems sorted!
Well, now you have explained what your problem is in more detail, I can now give you some constructive advice. 
You have a unique and difficult problem. I can only advise you to use your time on your computer to make friends with as many women as possible! And have daily discussions with them. Some women may find your syndrome difficult to understand and therefore distance themselves from you but quite a few will try to understand it and therefore be open to the idea of forming a relationship with you.
This might not be what you want to hear, but be patient join some dating sites and with luck you might find what you are looking for.
Also you are more than welcome to attend any Munches I set up!
You have a unique and difficult problem. I can only advise you to use your time on your computer to make friends with as many women as possible! And have daily discussions with them. Some women may find your syndrome difficult to understand and therefore distance themselves from you but quite a few will try to understand it and therefore be open to the idea of forming a relationship with you.
This might not be what you want to hear, but be patient join some dating sites and with luck you might find what you are looking for.
Also you are more than welcome to attend any Munches I set up!
fliiper wrote
"I have just read the post about the Touretttes Drinking Syndrome Arms by my twin brother Bullerboy , (see Avatur) . Is it that lively on a Monday as I often find the evenings a bit slow then ?"
(L.O.L) I thought I recognised myself, or was I just tooooooo pissed :shock:
:P :?:
Oh no it wasn't me cause I never go out on a monday.
Oh Daffodilbbw, the name of the pub is ??????? sorry, not allowed to put names of specific places on here, don't want to upset the Mods now do we. If you ever come down to Salisbury, you'll know it as soon as you walk by, that's if you ever WANTED to come to Salisbury - its full of druids, hippies and old folk.
"I have just read the post about the Touretttes Drinking Syndrome Arms by my twin brother Bullerboy , (see Avatur) . Is it that lively on a Monday as I often find the evenings a bit slow then ?"
(L.O.L) I thought I recognised myself, or was I just tooooooo pissed :shock:
:P :?: Oh no it wasn't me cause I never go out on a monday.
Oh Daffodilbbw, the name of the pub is ??????? sorry, not allowed to put names of specific places on here, don't want to upset the Mods now do we. If you ever come down to Salisbury, you'll know it as soon as you walk by, that's if you ever WANTED to come to Salisbury - its full of druids, hippies and old folk.
Sex God
Dear Tkano,
I have two small problems that you could advise me on
Firstly I am having trouble, finding off the peg clothes to fit me. Do you know where I might be able to go for a good selection. My vital statistics are as follows:
Height 6'6"
weight 17stone
chest 48
waist 36
inside leg 35
Secondly, my chosen proffesion is a jump jockey and own and ride my own horse (malcolm) but I havn't won any races for a while. I think the problem may be technique and the fact that Malcolm doesn't seem to want to jump very high. But you may know different
I have two small problems that you could advise me on
Firstly I am having trouble, finding off the peg clothes to fit me. Do you know where I might be able to go for a good selection. My vital statistics are as follows:
Height 6'6"
weight 17stone
chest 48
waist 36
inside leg 35
Secondly, my chosen proffesion is a jump jockey and own and ride my own horse (malcolm) but I havn't won any races for a while. I think the problem may be technique and the fact that Malcolm doesn't seem to want to jump very high. But you may know different
Sex God
Davej...... my my.... poor Malcolm !!!!!!
I think you need to go on a diet my dear man. Before Malcolm pops his hooves!!!!
poor Malcolm !!!!!!I think you need to go on a diet my dear man. Before Malcolm pops his hooves!!!!
Sex God
Ah Mrs FC thankyou for you advice, but do you honestly think I havn't though about that already. I have been dieting for over 6 weeks now and I am still 6'6" so that was no use at all.
No the truth of the matter is that Malcolm is a dud. I have tried stopping his sugar lumps and mars bars for a week before a race yet he still has no speed. I initially blamed it onto the fact that when I bought him he was on blackpool beach giving children rides so I assumed he was trained to go slow for their safety and that with some training he would speed up but as yet nothing.
Its a shame really cos he is a lovely looking horse. A little short I'll admit, but stocky and muscular. When I saw him in the flock, he had a much darker black stripe across his shoulders than the others. Stan (the guy who sold him to me) assured me he was a thoroughbred, of good lineage. I did question the size of his ears as they seem bigger than the other horses but Stan told me that once laid back on his neck Malcolm would be more streamlined and a true goer.
If there are any other horse trainers out there then your tips would be welcolmed.
No the truth of the matter is that Malcolm is a dud. I have tried stopping his sugar lumps and mars bars for a week before a race yet he still has no speed. I initially blamed it onto the fact that when I bought him he was on blackpool beach giving children rides so I assumed he was trained to go slow for their safety and that with some training he would speed up but as yet nothing.
Its a shame really cos he is a lovely looking horse. A little short I'll admit, but stocky and muscular. When I saw him in the flock, he had a much darker black stripe across his shoulders than the others. Stan (the guy who sold him to me) assured me he was a thoroughbred, of good lineage. I did question the size of his ears as they seem bigger than the other horses but Stan told me that once laid back on his neck Malcolm would be more streamlined and a true goer.
If there are any other horse trainers out there then your tips would be welcolmed.
Sex God
Honestly MISSCHIEF Malcolms a horse he cant push a wheelbarrow !!
Sex God
Well there are a host of horse related things you can do.
How about the steeple chase. Those steeples didn't run very fast, being buildings an all. I'm sure you Davej and Malcolm could atleast catch one.
How about the steeple chase. Those steeples didn't run very fast, being buildings an all. I'm sure you Davej and Malcolm could atleast catch one.
Sex God
Quote by davej
Ah Mrs FC thankyou for you advice, but do you honestly think I havn't though about that already. I have been dieting for over 6 weeks now and I am still 6'6" so that was no use at all.
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Sex God
Now thats more like it, Tkano has taken the day off, but already we have three suggestions to curing a problem.
I poo poohed MISSCHIEFS original suggestion as I misunderstood, but after realising that it was I, that should push the barrow it seemed easier. I've just been out to the paddock and coaxed Malcolm out, but there was no way he would climb into the barrow, not even when I waved a mars bar in front of his nose. He is too damned heavy to lift in and started braying frantically (must ask Stan why a race horse brays?)
Chaising steeples is another idea and I will be ringing Fred Dibnah in the morning to see if he knows of a steeple jump trainer local to me.
This is a problem so thanks guys I am just not getting much of a living outa this racing lark at the mo.
I poo poohed MISSCHIEFS original suggestion as I misunderstood, but after realising that it was I, that should push the barrow it seemed easier. I've just been out to the paddock and coaxed Malcolm out, but there was no way he would climb into the barrow, not even when I waved a mars bar in front of his nose. He is too damned heavy to lift in and started braying frantically (must ask Stan why a race horse brays?)
Chaising steeples is another idea and I will be ringing Fred Dibnah in the morning to see if he knows of a steeple jump trainer local to me.
This is a problem so thanks guys I am just not getting much of a living outa this racing lark at the mo.
Mr Dave J,
i am only allowed one trip outside Poetry Corner per day-and this is it. Rather than take pleasure, I have come post-haste to offer you some advice. As you may know, we poets are pretty romantic, some of us actual studied Romany Antics ( a rare branch of philosophy involving dodgy deals , caravans and setting records for uninvited holidays on other people's land). However, one element of the course was 'Horse Whispering'-that ancient and mystical art, only known to swarthy blokes with a trilby hat and Transit pick-up, and, luckily, me.
Now, I do fear that your horse may be less horse than some, but no matter, if he was good enough to carry Val Doonican's mate , Mr Delaney, he'll do.
Now approach Malcolm very slowly, with a nonchalant air-do not approach with a nonchalant Hare, this does not work. This is a seperate strand of Romany Antics called 'Coursing'. Once close enough, casually lean over to Malcolm-left side, Mr Dave J, it MUST be the left hand side! The Romany Antic instructors were adamant about this. Now, when you have his undivided attention, whisper into his ear, either of two secret words which are guaranteed to make horse/donkey/ass/ onager/ whatever, run like a lead cat in a dog-sled team. Im not supposed to tell you, but, I can't abide to see a man in trouble....
The words are
'France' and ' Salami'
This will terrify the beast into warp speed
The phrase 'Hugh Fearnly-Whittingstall' can be added as an extra boost.
I do hope this little tip is of use. If you need any more help, I can be found in the tin shed that is the Poetry Corner
Goodbye
Montmorency
i am only allowed one trip outside Poetry Corner per day-and this is it. Rather than take pleasure, I have come post-haste to offer you some advice. As you may know, we poets are pretty romantic, some of us actual studied Romany Antics ( a rare branch of philosophy involving dodgy deals , caravans and setting records for uninvited holidays on other people's land). However, one element of the course was 'Horse Whispering'-that ancient and mystical art, only known to swarthy blokes with a trilby hat and Transit pick-up, and, luckily, me.
Now, I do fear that your horse may be less horse than some, but no matter, if he was good enough to carry Val Doonican's mate , Mr Delaney, he'll do.
Now approach Malcolm very slowly, with a nonchalant air-do not approach with a nonchalant Hare, this does not work. This is a seperate strand of Romany Antics called 'Coursing'. Once close enough, casually lean over to Malcolm-left side, Mr Dave J, it MUST be the left hand side! The Romany Antic instructors were adamant about this. Now, when you have his undivided attention, whisper into his ear, either of two secret words which are guaranteed to make horse/donkey/ass/ onager/ whatever, run like a lead cat in a dog-sled team. Im not supposed to tell you, but, I can't abide to see a man in trouble....
The words are
'France' and ' Salami'
This will terrify the beast into warp speed
The phrase 'Hugh Fearnly-Whittingstall' can be added as an extra boost.
I do hope this little tip is of use. If you need any more help, I can be found in the tin shed that is the Poetry Corner
Goodbye
Montmorency
Sex God
A dietry tip maybe in order. Poor Malcolm maybe getting a little confused with the snacks you have been feeding him.
Eating a 'Mars' bar maybe getting him a bit 'spaced' out. Now have you tried 'boost' for that bit extra.
Eating a 'Mars' bar maybe getting him a bit 'spaced' out. Now have you tried 'boost' for that bit extra.
Sex God
Sorry for the sudden hijack, but who did this!!! :shock: :shock: :shock: 
Matt.... I'm sure she wasn't flashing last time you posted! :shock:
Matt.... I'm sure she wasn't flashing last time you posted! :shock: Sex God
Montmorency, I may not be quick on the uptake, but from your post it would seem that you are suggesting that my faithfull stead Malcolm, is not the hunter that I thought but a Donkey.
I can assure you that this is not the case, as it is well known that donkeys are are often put with horses for company and when Stan first showed me Malcolm he was indeed, in a field with a donkey thereby making him a horse.
This insult aside, I have been back to the paddock and tried your suggestion. I approached Malcolm from the left and taking hold of his bridle, whispered the two words France and Salami into his left ear and, just as you predicted, the beast immediately took off. I have never seen such speed and given that my hand was still trapped in the bridle, dont want to again. He galloped along the lower field, dragging me along the ground, I honestly thought my time had come. I figured the hedge at the bottom of the paddock would stop him but in true hunter fashion, he cleard it with feet to spare. I unfortunetly did not. The hawthorn (for thats what the hedge is) tore off my clothing as I went through it and with me screaming in pain Malcolm then dragged me naked through the town centre until he was eventually stopped in his tracks by a Mr Whippy vans chimes (I think it was part of his training in Blackpool) After being returned to my house along with Malcolm I am now facing charges of indecent exposure and not being in full control of a wild beast.
I thank you for your suggestion, although care not for your insult and given the performance I have just witnessed, can now conclude that my equine freind is a true race horse.
I can assure you that this is not the case, as it is well known that donkeys are are often put with horses for company and when Stan first showed me Malcolm he was indeed, in a field with a donkey thereby making him a horse.
This insult aside, I have been back to the paddock and tried your suggestion. I approached Malcolm from the left and taking hold of his bridle, whispered the two words France and Salami into his left ear and, just as you predicted, the beast immediately took off. I have never seen such speed and given that my hand was still trapped in the bridle, dont want to again. He galloped along the lower field, dragging me along the ground, I honestly thought my time had come. I figured the hedge at the bottom of the paddock would stop him but in true hunter fashion, he cleard it with feet to spare. I unfortunetly did not. The hawthorn (for thats what the hedge is) tore off my clothing as I went through it and with me screaming in pain Malcolm then dragged me naked through the town centre until he was eventually stopped in his tracks by a Mr Whippy vans chimes (I think it was part of his training in Blackpool) After being returned to my house along with Malcolm I am now facing charges of indecent exposure and not being in full control of a wild beast.
I thank you for your suggestion, although care not for your insult and given the performance I have just witnessed, can now conclude that my equine freind is a true race horse.
Quote by montmorency
which are guaranteed to make horse/donkey/ass/ onager/ whatever, run like a lead cat in a dog-sled team.
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: OK Dave, I've given this problem considerable thought, and have come up with a bluddy good idea, if I might say so myself! :smug:
What you need are these ......
Now hear me out!! ..... The original idea was that if you wore these for the wheelbarrow race, you could hold Malcoms back hooves and leg it. The speed you would be able to go at would push Malcom along. No wanting to fall on his face, his front hooves will go like the clappers to keep up.
But then had the brainwave that why don't you buy two pairs! Those heavy metal shoes poor Malcom wears must slow him down a lot, hence not being able to jump very high. Pop these on him and it will be a breeze! In fact he might even be able to manage two fences at a time ..... especially if you use this in conjunction with the words 'France' and 'Salami' 8-)
Blimey, I'm wasted in my present job!
Sex God
I gotta go to bed but will try your other suggestions tomorrow
Sex God
Quote by Angel Chat
Sorry for the sudden hijack, but who did this!!! :shock: :shock: :shock: http://www.swingingheaven.co.uk/swingers-forum/images/avatars/81429220740b32bcc007b7.jpgMatt.... I'm sure she wasn't flashing last time you posted! :shock:
How do you mean Angel Chat? All I see is a nice picture of the Mona Lisa, just as you would see her in any art gallery she would be visiting. I feel you have sex on the brain :shock: and you are subconsciously seeing what you want to see.
I would have to say thank you to Jags for the idea of using this as an avatar.
Sex God
A quick update is in order as promised. Your suggestions for helping me with my problem have been gratefully received. I took the opportunity to change the horses diet from Mars bars to Boost bars as per mattmolemans suggestion and the additional glucose saw a change in Malcolm’s behaviour. He had more energy and was galloping around his paddock like a young colt. The increased flatulence that came from this diet change was but a small price to pay.
The purchase of the new shoes as suggested by MISSCHIEF, seemed at first to be money down the drain but perseverance did pay off. Initially the beast could hardly stand in these shoes and staggered around like a new born foal but after a couple of hours his gait improved to that of a child trying to walk across a trampoline. Later on in the day he was leaping around the paddock with the grace of a springbok and put me in mind of the horses that detach themselves from the carousel, whilst Dick Van sings a gay ditty in Mary Poppins.
I took Malcolm along to a race in the afternoon and after a stewards enquiry and much rule reading we were allowed to take part, the upshot being that we won our first ever race as he cleared every fence with grace and speed. It was unfortunate that stopping at the end of the course hadn’t been considered and even more unfortunate that Malcolm cleared the boundary fence of the course and landed on the busy A999 although I find a touch of irony in the fact that the truck that struck him dead, had Evo Stick emblazoned down its side.
The shoes are still proving their worth though as I have given them to Mrs davej who has sold her van and ladders and now uses these shoes to do her window cleaning round. She isn’t up there for very long at a time, but it’s still quicker than setting up ladders.
The prize money that I did win, has helped me go with a thought that Mr FC put in my head and I have now purchased a greyhound called roger from a guy, that I met in the pub whilst celebrating, I’m sure the landlord said he came from Afghanistan, although things were a little hazy at the time. Rogers long thick red coat gleams in the light and he has lovely long slender legs and is built for speed. His ears remind me a little of Malcolm as they are very long, with the only difference being that they hang down, instead of sticking up.
Thank you again for your help
The purchase of the new shoes as suggested by MISSCHIEF, seemed at first to be money down the drain but perseverance did pay off. Initially the beast could hardly stand in these shoes and staggered around like a new born foal but after a couple of hours his gait improved to that of a child trying to walk across a trampoline. Later on in the day he was leaping around the paddock with the grace of a springbok and put me in mind of the horses that detach themselves from the carousel, whilst Dick Van sings a gay ditty in Mary Poppins.
I took Malcolm along to a race in the afternoon and after a stewards enquiry and much rule reading we were allowed to take part, the upshot being that we won our first ever race as he cleared every fence with grace and speed. It was unfortunate that stopping at the end of the course hadn’t been considered and even more unfortunate that Malcolm cleared the boundary fence of the course and landed on the busy A999 although I find a touch of irony in the fact that the truck that struck him dead, had Evo Stick emblazoned down its side.
The shoes are still proving their worth though as I have given them to Mrs davej who has sold her van and ladders and now uses these shoes to do her window cleaning round. She isn’t up there for very long at a time, but it’s still quicker than setting up ladders.
The prize money that I did win, has helped me go with a thought that Mr FC put in my head and I have now purchased a greyhound called roger from a guy, that I met in the pub whilst celebrating, I’m sure the landlord said he came from Afghanistan, although things were a little hazy at the time. Rogers long thick red coat gleams in the light and he has lovely long slender legs and is built for speed. His ears remind me a little of Malcolm as they are very long, with the only difference being that they hang down, instead of sticking up.
Thank you again for your help
Mr DaveJ,
Sir,
I am out of my tin shed for the third time in two days, which is far too much human contact for any self respecting poet to countenance. However, I am mortified by the loss of your noble steed, and erstwhile companion, the now legendary 'Malcolm'. I first heard of his sad demise on the late news, when Trevor McDonald outlined the day's events. I understand that Michael Buerk is trying to contact you with a view to a '999' special: 'Death Donkey'. I believe that some one called Crowe, Australian chap with sandals, sword and an attitude, is lined up to play Mr DaveJ. Several members of 'Swinging Heaven' have lined up to play Malcolm, claiming their ample blessings in the nether regions being qualification enough to play a donkey.
But, be that as it may, I feel responsible for the tribulations you have endured; t'were it not for my blatantly ignoring the strict guidelines on revealing secrets of 'Romany Antics', all this might never have happened. As it happens, I sold a short ditty today, and, believing that your 'reins' were the problem, proceeded to 'Mothercare' and bought you a more suitable set. Alas, they will now not be required.
But, I may be able to help you in the matter of your latest aquisition. He does indeed sound a terrific specimen; no doubt he was sold to you as an 'Afghan Hound', but, his colouring has me worried. Now, I happen to know that dogs,of any breed, are somewhat scarce in Afghanistan and I am beginning to worry about this chap. Tell me, have you noticed that Mrs DaveJ's washing has begun to disappear from the line, or been found half -chewed in a pile of droppings? Have you noticed that your new dog has a small beard, rather like certain well known Elizabethan playwrights? Would I be right in thinking that your new dog is able to climb steep (vertical) slopes with unexpected aplomb? Does he get very edgy when the window cleaner calls and pulls out the old Chamois Leather, and does he then make strange bleating noises that, to an untrained ear, sound something like'cousin'? Mmmm. I have a sneaking feeling that this type of 'dog' will never appear at Crufts-unless in one of the Kebabs sold by some of the more dubious vendors.
In order to prove my theory as to his 'provenance', I need to conduct a test:
Can you take him to your local 'rickety-rackety' bridge. Loose him off his leash. Listen carefully: if you hear 'trippety-trap, trippety-trap', and are approached by an ugly little fellow by the name of Mr Troll, then I fear that my theory is correct.
Until then, I will wait to hear from you.
Montmorency
Sir,
I am out of my tin shed for the third time in two days, which is far too much human contact for any self respecting poet to countenance. However, I am mortified by the loss of your noble steed, and erstwhile companion, the now legendary 'Malcolm'. I first heard of his sad demise on the late news, when Trevor McDonald outlined the day's events. I understand that Michael Buerk is trying to contact you with a view to a '999' special: 'Death Donkey'. I believe that some one called Crowe, Australian chap with sandals, sword and an attitude, is lined up to play Mr DaveJ. Several members of 'Swinging Heaven' have lined up to play Malcolm, claiming their ample blessings in the nether regions being qualification enough to play a donkey.
But, be that as it may, I feel responsible for the tribulations you have endured; t'were it not for my blatantly ignoring the strict guidelines on revealing secrets of 'Romany Antics', all this might never have happened. As it happens, I sold a short ditty today, and, believing that your 'reins' were the problem, proceeded to 'Mothercare' and bought you a more suitable set. Alas, they will now not be required.
But, I may be able to help you in the matter of your latest aquisition. He does indeed sound a terrific specimen; no doubt he was sold to you as an 'Afghan Hound', but, his colouring has me worried. Now, I happen to know that dogs,of any breed, are somewhat scarce in Afghanistan and I am beginning to worry about this chap. Tell me, have you noticed that Mrs DaveJ's washing has begun to disappear from the line, or been found half -chewed in a pile of droppings? Have you noticed that your new dog has a small beard, rather like certain well known Elizabethan playwrights? Would I be right in thinking that your new dog is able to climb steep (vertical) slopes with unexpected aplomb? Does he get very edgy when the window cleaner calls and pulls out the old Chamois Leather, and does he then make strange bleating noises that, to an untrained ear, sound something like'cousin'? Mmmm. I have a sneaking feeling that this type of 'dog' will never appear at Crufts-unless in one of the Kebabs sold by some of the more dubious vendors.
In order to prove my theory as to his 'provenance', I need to conduct a test:
Can you take him to your local 'rickety-rackety' bridge. Loose him off his leash. Listen carefully: if you hear 'trippety-trap, trippety-trap', and are approached by an ugly little fellow by the name of Mr Troll, then I fear that my theory is correct.
Until then, I will wait to hear from you.
Montmorency
Sex God
Davej I think I have spotted Malcolm !!!!!!!!!
I think he must be reincarnated into the mistaken identity of a billy goat.........there for taking him to the rickity rackety bridge suggested by Montmorency will be to no avail.
Can you not tell buy the markings on him?
I was sunbathing on the beach when this goat trundled over. Looking into his eyes I new there was something a miss.
He kept going towards the other donkeys and making a strange sound as if to say hello.
Look for yourself..........................does this look like malcolm? look at the bewiderment in his eyes !! I think he is looking for you!!
I think he must be reincarnated into the mistaken identity of a billy goat.........there for taking him to the rickity rackety bridge suggested by Montmorency will be to no avail.
Can you not tell buy the markings on him?
I was sunbathing on the beach when this goat trundled over. Looking into his eyes I new there was something a miss.
He kept going towards the other donkeys and making a strange sound as if to say hello.
Look for yourself..........................does this look like malcolm? look at the bewiderment in his eyes !! I think he is looking for you!!
Sex God
Ahh mrs FC thankyou for trying to make my grief gentler but I dont believe in such things however your picture does look remarkably like my new greyhound Roger. I was shocked when Montmorency suggested that I may have been duped into buying a goat and immediately checked for udders as I know that goats give good milk.
My new companion has no udders and is happily eating dog biscuits so greyhound it is. Its true that if viewed in profile there is a beard but clearly the dog hasn't been to the trimming parlour for a while. If further proof be needed then just ask what is a distinguishing feature of a racing greyhound ?...........Yes thats right they wear short jackets that are coloured, with number on them normally from one to six and my purchase had such a jacket when I brought it. Whats more the guy who sold him to me said that this greyhound was by royal appointment and was therefore allowed to wear a special jacket. Rogers jacket is a gorgeous deep purple with gold tassels trimming the edges and has pictures of the crown on both sides and has his full pedigree name woven in gold thread down the sides 'HM COLDSTREAM GUARD'
My new companion has no udders and is happily eating dog biscuits so greyhound it is. Its true that if viewed in profile there is a beard but clearly the dog hasn't been to the trimming parlour for a while. If further proof be needed then just ask what is a distinguishing feature of a racing greyhound ?...........Yes thats right they wear short jackets that are coloured, with number on them normally from one to six and my purchase had such a jacket when I brought it. Whats more the guy who sold him to me said that this greyhound was by royal appointment and was therefore allowed to wear a special jacket. Rogers jacket is a gorgeous deep purple with gold tassels trimming the edges and has pictures of the crown on both sides and has his full pedigree name woven in gold thread down the sides 'HM COLDSTREAM GUARD'
Dear Mr Dave J,
I have held off breaking this news to you, but I fear that your racing 'Greyhound' is not what you believe him to be. May I make the suggestion that you do not feed him whilst wearing skins of dead bears on your head: this is likely to excite him beyond all reasonable limits and could cause him to rush off to the nearest brass band event, never to be seen again. Also, if you examine those splendid 'ears', I think you might find they are actually horns.
So, what can you do with him? Well, he will still race, but only if 'Lillibollereo' is played 'fortissimo' in the background. You might also wish to scream 'Shun!' and bash your boots on the ground to make him feel at home. however, overall, I feel it is a lost cause, and you are doomed to be disappointment. I suggest you cut your losses and take him to your nearest Kebab House, where they would welcome him as an honored guest, giving him the best place at the table Indeed, he will end up on the table. You will then be free to pursue the keeping ofanother 'pet'. I jusdt wonder if you are very experienced at this 'animal keepng', I enclose copies of 'Five go Mad at Whipsnade' and 'Harry Potter and the Zookeeper's Boot'. they might well help you in your quest to be a keeper of animals,
M
I have held off breaking this news to you, but I fear that your racing 'Greyhound' is not what you believe him to be. May I make the suggestion that you do not feed him whilst wearing skins of dead bears on your head: this is likely to excite him beyond all reasonable limits and could cause him to rush off to the nearest brass band event, never to be seen again. Also, if you examine those splendid 'ears', I think you might find they are actually horns.
So, what can you do with him? Well, he will still race, but only if 'Lillibollereo' is played 'fortissimo' in the background. You might also wish to scream 'Shun!' and bash your boots on the ground to make him feel at home. however, overall, I feel it is a lost cause, and you are doomed to be disappointment. I suggest you cut your losses and take him to your nearest Kebab House, where they would welcome him as an honored guest, giving him the best place at the table Indeed, he will end up on the table. You will then be free to pursue the keeping ofanother 'pet'. I jusdt wonder if you are very experienced at this 'animal keepng', I enclose copies of 'Five go Mad at Whipsnade' and 'Harry Potter and the Zookeeper's Boot'. they might well help you in your quest to be a keeper of animals,
M
