I got this from a friend by Email today, and thought I should share it. Have a laugh.
An old man sitting on his porch down in Louisiana at 6:00 watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbour's kid walk by caring something big under his arm.
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "A roll of chicken wire"
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You idiot ,you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chicken caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Whatcha got there.?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape "
Old man yells back " You idiot ,you can't catch ducks with duck tape."
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the amazement he is trailing behind him an unrolled length of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says " Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says " It's a pussy willow"
Old man replies back "Hold on, I'll get my hat."
Harry0
For no good reason that I can think of, this reminded me of a story told by Bill Bryson in one of his books. I've just been to look for it and can't find it so my words will have to do. But it's a Bryson story.
A four year old girl found that a house was being built next door and being a curious girl she went and made friends with the builders. They took a fancy to her and gave her little jobs to do - sweeping up a bit of dust, carrying a mug of tea and that sort of thing.
At the end of the week - in recognition of the little jobs she had done - they made up a little pay packet for her.
Her Mum said, "That's nice. What we should do is spend half of it and put half in your savings account." And the little girl agreed.
So, Saturday morning, off they went to the Building Society. The counter clerk said, "Well, where did you get all this money?" And the little girl said, "I've been helping to build a house and this is my pay. I'm going to spend half and I'm going to save half."
"Oh," said the counter clerk, "I think that's lovely. Are you going to help build a house next week as well?"
And the little girl said, "Yes. If them fucking bricks arrive."
Waves to harryO xxxxxxxxxxxx
.xX Jo Xx.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went
straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and
comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He
had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old
having sex
would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells
would
start toring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if
the
ice cream truck hadn't come along."
I had this one stored in one of my folders. Cant remeber where I got it!
Whats pink and hard?
A pig with a flick knife
(I'll get me coat)
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Retirement and Training Policies
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas,
we have been forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under a new
plan, older employees will be asked to go on an early retirement, thus
permitting the retention of younger people who will represent our future
plans. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of
the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately. The program will be known as (Retire Aged People
Early).
Employees who are will be given the opportunity to look for other
jobs outside the company, and provided that they are being , they
can request a review of their employment records before actual
retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW
(Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been or SCREWed may file an appeal with
upper management. This will be known as SHAFT (Study of Higher Authority
Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may
be once, SCREWed twice, but SHAFTed as many times as the company
deems appropriate.
If the employee follows the above procedure he, or she, will be entitled
to receive HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received
HERPES will no longer be or SCREWed by the company.
In addition, management wishes to assure the youngest employees who
remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that
employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training
(SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees
receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in
the area. If any employee feels he, or she, does not receive enough SHIT
on the job, please see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is
specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
Employees who don't voluntarily take SHIT will nonetheless be placed on
the SHIT list and be enrolled in Departmental Employee Evaluation
Programs (DEEP-SHIT). Those who fail to take DEEP-SHIT seriously will
have to go to Employee Attitude Training (EAT-SHIT). Since our managers
took SHIT before they were promoted, they don't have to do SHIT anymore,
and are full of SHIT already. If an employee is unable to grasp the
concepts of SHIT, he or she will be put on the Opportunities Halted
probationary list. (OH-SHIT)
If you are full of SHIT, you may be interested in a job training others.
We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List
(BULL-SHIT). Those who are full of BULL-SHIT will get SHIT jobs, and can
apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (DIP-SHIT).
There is currently an opening for Treasurer of the Organization for Us
Giving Hell (TOUGH-SHIT). If you have further questions, please direct
them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training
(HOT-SHIT). For students who are intending to pursue a career in
management and consulting, we will refer you to the Department of
Managerial Operational Research Education (MORE-SHIT). This course has
its emphasis on how to manage MORE-SHIT.
If you graduate to the top of our list by taking all the SHIT that is
given to you, you may qualify for our supervisor's program known as
Comprehensive Remedial Advisory Panel (CRAP). You too can be a member of
management. Simply take all the SHIT you can and you can look forward to
additional CRAP when you reach the top. Any employee who has the
initiative and drive to take both SHIT and CRAP can count on being one
of the elite.
Also, our company is offering, for a limited time only, the chance for
you, the ordinary employee, to try for Action Supervisors Staff Handling
Our Loyal Employees (ASSHOLE). So work hard and you will find that the
more SHIT you take and the more CRAP you can handle may qualify you as
an ASSHOLE and, one day, maybe even the Director of Intensity
Programming (DIP-SHIT).
Thank you,
Boss in General,
Special High Intensity Training (BIG-SHIT)
Copy to:
Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating
Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCKOF-SHIT)
A young virgin couple decide to wait until their wedding night to consumate their relationship. Being of a nervous disposition the girl insists that her mother comes to the honeymoon hotel and stays in the room across the hall.
An hour or so after they retire for the night the mother hears loud screams coming from her daughters room. Rushing out to see what the commotion is she bumps into the daughter coming out of the room in floods of tears.
"What's wrong Darling?" she asks.
"Mummy.... it's HUGE!" sobs the young girl.
"Now, now sweetie. It can't be that bad. It's just that you've never seen one before." Mummy replies.
"I'm not going back in there ever again!" says the still shaking but defiant girl.
A bit taken aback by her daughters reluctance the mother tries to comfort her, but the daughter is adamant in her resolve.
"Okay," says the mother, "I'll go in their and see what all the fuss is about. I'll give him a test drive and make sure you're going to be okay".
So, she goes into the room and closes the door behind her. She quickly explains to the shocked husband what the daughter has said and tells him she's come to try him out.
"I'll just lie on the edge of the bed and you put your penis into me slowly. Give me an inch to start off with." she says.
So he musters his courage and does as he's told.
"Hmmmm. That's not so bad." she says. "Now give me another two inches".
Again he does as he's asked.
"Oooh!" she sighs, "Still okay. Now give me another two inches".
He dutifully complies.
"OOOOOOOO" gasps the mother eagerly. "Now just take one pace forward".
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.
The man said, "I must have you right now!
I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.
She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down.
Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"
when my gran was younger she had a tattoo accross her chest saying true love for paul and i, but as she got older the wrinkles set it and she started to sag it ended up saying two lighters for a pound
Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they take a detour and do their business behind a headstone or something.
One of the girls had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then chuck them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves so she proceeded to use that.
They both stumbled off home.
The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing" said the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck between her arse cheeks that said 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'
:shock:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
:D
