ER Emergencies - these are scary!
INNER SKELETON ----- A 63 year old widow was admitted to the hospital Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20-inch long skeleton of a foetus that she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.
FEMALE SOFA ----- A 500lb. (35.5 stone!!!) woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.
PRICKLY PAIR ----- OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after arecent hysterectomy.
PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A twenty year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, and then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (as you do!?). The concrete then hardened (no shit!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along
with a ping-pong ball (boy, we live sheltered lives... thank
goodness!).
BLIND DRUNK ----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER
complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at
had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually
explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a
romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (classy or what??). While in the act,she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
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True Emergency Room Visits
Years ago I lived in a house along with some medical people. One was a medical student who had done a stint at Westminster Hospital in Central London, & he said they encountered a very diverse range of cases (that's the most polite way of putting it :shock: ) in A&E.
He told us of the wide range of household objects that had to be removed from peoples' backsides, but the best was..............................
The bloke who had pushed an aerosol can (Pledge perhaps...
) up his arse. The problem came when he pulled it back out again......................
leaving the top firmly stuck up you know where :shock:
The surgeons had to operate to remove it, cutting around the foreign object. Bet that took some explaining on his sick note at work
:lol:
He told us of the wide range of household objects that had to be removed from peoples' backsides, but the best was..............................
The bloke who had pushed an aerosol can (Pledge perhaps...
) up his arse. The problem came when he pulled it back out again......................leaving the top firmly stuck up you know where :shock:
The surgeons had to operate to remove it, cutting around the foreign object. Bet that took some explaining on his sick note at work
:lol: A friend who worked in A+E, told me of a guy who came in clutching his groin...suffering severe bruising and crushing injuries to his penis. He had apparently been showing off to his mates, as you do? by getting aroused and slipping his penis inside a bottle...it then got stuck, and as it became tighter, the pain got too much so he hit the bottle with a saucepan, breaking the kneck part and crushing and almost cutting his willy clean off!
Quote by HungryP
Oh, you really don't want to start me on these!!
You just DON'T...!!
:twisted:
Yes we do, go on
:DGo on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..
oooh Father Ted moment ....
Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..Go on ..
You know you want to really
Well...
It's amazing the number of people I've seen who somehow manage to accidentally fall backwards onto random house-hold objects (Coke bottles, soap dishes, lip-salve sticks, rubber chewy dog toys...); usually while spring-cleaning naked. Said objects always seem to gravitate in a generally anal direction for some reason. Never quite worked out how that happens...
There are three tales in particular that spring to mind...
(1) a Vileda (R) Super-Mop (TM);
(2) a Teaspoon;
(3) a roll-on deodorant (can't remember what type!!).
The supermop was a good 14" deep in some poor chap's rectum (yup, you guessed it he'd been cleaning naked and fell backwards onto it...
- at least it was only inserted handle first). Abdominal x-ray showed the top of the handle quite clearly - at a level somewhere between his beIly-button and the bottom of his breast bone. :eeek: It was so adhered to the lining of his bowels that no amount of gentle persuasion/lubricant/etc. was going to shift it. Usurprisingly, he was referred to the colo-rectal surgeons for their urgent attention - there was a big risk that he'd perforated his bowel. :uhoh:
The teaspoon was bowl-first down a young gentleman's urethra - about an inch of the handle was visible protruding from the head of his penis. He was in quite a lot of, erm, discomfort... He explained that he'd started getting intense jollies by putting things down his urethra and stimulating himself from the inside . :scared: As he's started to do this more and more he'd progressed from the inside refill of a ball-point pen to the whole pen and eventually to the handle of a teaspoon. Then one day he tried turning the teaspoon round and put it in wide end first. This apparently worked fine until he realised that his swollen hard-on meant he couldn't get it back out. The penis then became inflamed swollen rather than erect swollen :shock: - and he also had some urinary retention problems too. (No, really...?!). He was urgently bundled off to see the urologists!
Lest you think these things only happen to men, the roll-on deodorant was impacted deep in the vagina of a 30-ish lady who'd decided to indulge in a little DIY (as you do...
). She'd been using this impromptu dildo (nice and thick and fat...) in her hotel room but when she'd finished she'd left the CAP of the roll-on up inside her. :roll: After much panicking, she attended A&E and was duly assessed and examined. The dome-shaped cap had effectively sealed itself into her vagina just below her cervix - the wet mucous covered tissue forming an effective seal and creating quite a lot of suction that couldn't be overcome. 
Several attempts at removing it with a speculum and forceps failed and wasn't until a junior doctor dashed out of the department and down to the hospital shop that it was removed: he came back with an identical roll-on, removed the cap, inserted it and erm, "screwed" it into place - at which point he simply pulled the whole assembly gently back out again. After a final inspection, the lady was discharged with no permanent damage done - apart from possibly to her pride!!
:jagsatwork: Now, you're all adults and I don't want to lecture you - what you do with your orifices is ENTIRELY up to you (!) but the first one was genuinely potentially life-threatening and the second one could have had real long-term consequences so, as funny (ouch) as these are - please DON'T try them at home - at least not if you live anywhere near ME!! :twisted:
There. Does that satisfy you collective curiosities...?! :roll: :wink:
It's amazing the number of people I've seen who somehow manage to accidentally fall backwards onto random house-hold objects (Coke bottles, soap dishes, lip-salve sticks, rubber chewy dog toys...); usually while spring-cleaning naked. Said objects always seem to gravitate in a generally anal direction for some reason. Never quite worked out how that happens...
There are three tales in particular that spring to mind...
(1) a Vileda (R) Super-Mop (TM);
(2) a Teaspoon;
(3) a roll-on deodorant (can't remember what type!!).
The supermop was a good 14" deep in some poor chap's rectum (yup, you guessed it he'd been cleaning naked and fell backwards onto it...
- at least it was only inserted handle first). Abdominal x-ray showed the top of the handle quite clearly - at a level somewhere between his beIly-button and the bottom of his breast bone. :eeek: It was so adhered to the lining of his bowels that no amount of gentle persuasion/lubricant/etc. was going to shift it. Usurprisingly, he was referred to the colo-rectal surgeons for their urgent attention - there was a big risk that he'd perforated his bowel. :uhoh: The teaspoon was bowl-first down a young gentleman's urethra - about an inch of the handle was visible protruding from the head of his penis. He was in quite a lot of, erm, discomfort... He explained that he'd started getting intense jollies by putting things down his urethra and stimulating himself from the inside . :scared: As he's started to do this more and more he'd progressed from the inside refill of a ball-point pen to the whole pen and eventually to the handle of a teaspoon. Then one day he tried turning the teaspoon round and put it in wide end first. This apparently worked fine until he realised that his swollen hard-on meant he couldn't get it back out. The penis then became inflamed swollen rather than erect swollen :shock: - and he also had some urinary retention problems too. (No, really...?!). He was urgently bundled off to see the urologists!
Lest you think these things only happen to men, the roll-on deodorant was impacted deep in the vagina of a 30-ish lady who'd decided to indulge in a little DIY (as you do...
). She'd been using this impromptu dildo (nice and thick and fat...) in her hotel room but when she'd finished she'd left the CAP of the roll-on up inside her. :roll: After much panicking, she attended A&E and was duly assessed and examined. The dome-shaped cap had effectively sealed itself into her vagina just below her cervix - the wet mucous covered tissue forming an effective seal and creating quite a lot of suction that couldn't be overcome. Several attempts at removing it with a speculum and forceps failed and wasn't until a junior doctor dashed out of the department and down to the hospital shop that it was removed: he came back with an identical roll-on, removed the cap, inserted it and erm, "screwed" it into place - at which point he simply pulled the whole assembly gently back out again. After a final inspection, the lady was discharged with no permanent damage done - apart from possibly to her pride!!:jagsatwork: Now, you're all adults and I don't want to lecture you - what you do with your orifices is ENTIRELY up to you (!) but the first one was genuinely potentially life-threatening and the second one could have had real long-term consequences so, as funny (ouch) as these are - please DON'T try them at home - at least not if you live anywhere near ME!! :twisted:
There. Does that satisfy you collective curiosities...?! :roll: :wink:
