pull up a chair and pour yourself a large one, this could take a while!!
This is no ordinary Theme Park. Constructed in a secret location well away from prying eyes and not open to members of the public it is for the exclusive use of members of this site. Indeed, some of us are permanent residents!
The Entrance is next to the Guard House where you’re bona fides will be examined (ooo-er missus!) to establish that you are a genuine member. Then all females will be frisked by Sgt Bilko. All males will be frisked by either Wilma, Kit or Sappho – depending on who is on duty at the time. :twisted:
To the right of the entrance is the Tank Parking, where Sarge keeps his many military vehicles. The park is patrolled (occasionally) by Mr FC. No-one ever really gets arrested – unless they are complete dickheads – but he wears his uniform because the girlies like it!
Behind the Guard Hut is the Punishment Block. Here those who transgress the simple rules of the park will be taken for a good slapping by Kit, Wilma or Jags :jagsatwork:. Those guilty of serious offences will have their thighs bitten by Jags :shock:. Persistent offenders will be ‘deleted’ by Jags, :jagsatwork: . This is a euphemism, the true meaning of which you really don’t want to know!! :eeek:
Behind the Tank Parking is Car Park 1. The first of three dogging car parks designed, constructed and managed under the careful eye of Jomu, Head of Dogging Services.
In front of you now, the park is laid out in its full glory. To the left is the SH Village Green where cricket matches are played regularly. Straight ahead of you is the Swinging Heaven Arms with its beer garden overlooking the cricket on the village green. This pub NEVER closes, has no fewer than 24 ‘Happy Hours’ every day – and all the mods drink for free, all the time :cheers: ! The pub sign is, of course, the SH logo (see top of screen!). Outside the pub is the Village Pond on which Duckpathian and his friends can relax.
Over to the right, with its entrance conveniently close to the pond, pub and village green is Artificer’s Compound. This is a delightfully sprawling, rambling farmhouse which is always open to Arti’s many friends. There is a Merlot and Real Ale shed on the way in!! :beer: This spacious compound contains pig pens, fields of cattle with state of the art milking sheds, a rolling, landscaped field full of sheep which is presided over by old Fly. At the entrance to the sheep field are the lambing sheds and Fly’s dressing room with its many mirrors where Fly can tend to his/her ribbons and manicure. There is also an impressive ferret run with drain pipes and tunnels for the little dears to play in.
Behind the pub is the Arts Centre. This has soundproofed rehearsal rooms where bassdude and willxx69 and their friends can compose and practice and a full size theatre/concert hall for major productions including the world famous SH organ (no sniggering now
) with its 5 manuals, full pedals, 32-foot Ophicleide, trumpets ‘en-chamade’ (oooops, sorry 
ops: got carried away there!!! ). Chief Sound Technician is Carpathian who also produces the original CDs. :karaoke: Adjacent to the Arts Centre, but with its own impressive, colonnaded entrance is the Library and Museum presided over by Librarian and Curator, the gorgeous Sappho :inlove: (Mmmmm, strawberries!!! :twisted: - sorry, got carried away again). The Library has over 7 miles of bookshelves and the museum has the World’s finest collection of sensual art and artefacts from Greece, Rome, Byzantium, Medieval Europe and every period up to the present day.
The Pamper Zone has its own entrance but can also be entered from the Library, so that you can pick up a book on the way to your pampering session. Here there are jacuzzis, bubble baths, steam rooms and massage tables.
At the far end of the park, behind and to the left of the Pamper Zone is the SH Hotel. Here every room has at least two double beds with en-suite jacuzzis that can hold a minimum of six people. Some rooms have four posters for those who like to indulge in a little fantasy ( :twisted: ). Behind the hotel is the second dogging car park.
Adjacent to the hotel is Bedrock :happy:. This is Fred and Wilma’s domain. A network of caves all interlinked, plenty of food and a never ending supply of booze (but watch out for the pink stuff!! :shock
. There are also plenty of love swings in this area. Although the wearing of thigh-high boots is not compulsory in here, it is certainly encouraged! :twisted:Next along is the SH Showground. This is used for sports such as the occasional game of rugby or football (each game usually only lasts about 20 minutes before everyone heads off to the SH Arms to slake their thirst!!! :beer:) . This is where Arti exhibits his prize animals annually and the SH Hmm Hmm hold their ‘produce show’. I can tell you that Ann Summers has nothing on this event!!! A word of warning. Steer clear of the homemade chilli KY jelly!! :shock: . We all know what happened to Fred when Wilma used it as a salad dressing!! :eeek: This is also where MISSCHIEF does her tomahawk throwing practice. Careful study has shown that the safest place to stand is directly in front of her! :shock:
Finally, Dogging Car Park 3 a leafy, landscaped area. From here there are many paths leading off into the landscaped woods where you can hump and commune with nature at the same time! There are arbours, dells and waterfalls all designed and personally tried/approved by bluexxx
. The woods are particularly beautiful at this time of year when the bluebells are in their full gloryEnjoy!!!!
Will
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: 
you for posting when you should be working? OR Do I 
instead of 
