whats black and white and eats like a horse?
a zebra!
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."
Officially, in the great book of film and tv gags, Monty Python have already defined the 'funniest joke in the world'. As most of you may know you should only read on at your own peril.........
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
{it doesn't translate literally into English though, even with what the Pythons continue with in the sketch - it's gibberish and german in a basic sentence structure !!!}
At Last me ol landlubbers , A PYTHON EXPERIENCED person be it man or woman (preferably women) do exist. Oh how did you know I was a witch?
Hmmm.
Celine Dion walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'Why the long face?'
I told that to an American the other day, and she said, 'Oh, I get it - it's because she's Canadian, right?'
I'm still trying to figure out which is funnier.
What can't you see but smells like carrots???
Bunny Farts :giggle:
Dawn :silly:
In the early 1960's, a Battle of Britain fighter pilot was giving a talk to a class of girls in a Convent School about his wartime experiences.
He had chatted for some ten minutes when he started to describe a 'dogfight'
" There I was", he said "At 25,000 ft, upside down, with nothing on the clock. Two Fockers behind me, and another two Fockers diving at me out of the sun."
The Mother Superior jumped up, and said. "I think I should point out that Fockers are a type of German aircraft".
"True " said the old pilot, "But these Fockers were Messerschmitts"
Harry0.
Oh well, it was worth a try.
At a recent SH munch, a guy approached a girl and whispered something in her ear. "You filthy pervert!!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?" Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch that stole my diary!"
Two women are talking over lunch when one said to the other, "Well, Jane, how's your sex life these days?" "Well...my husband makes me feel like an exercise bike," replies Jane. "How's that?" asked her friend. "He climbs on and starts pumping away," explained Jane. "But we never get anywhere."
A blind bloke walks into a shop, picks up his guide dog and starts swinging him round by the tail, the shop keeper yells at him "OY what do you think you are doing?"
The blind bloke replies "just having a look around"
2 Goldfish in a tank , one says to the other , tell you what , i will drive and you operate the gun.
It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting; almost see through, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and
holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with
his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy
dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests
that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker
her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your beaver." he says. She does
so, and this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat.
Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you've got a headache."
Two prostitutes talking at a bus stop..
Ever been picked up by the fuzz....?
No but I have been swung round by the tits....!
