Placed an ad on here a couple of weeks back which included a reference to the fact that I am a sub female. Had a few interesting relpies (relpies? new one to me!) but not linked up with anyone as yet. In chatting to a few folks through the miracle of pm's, I'm beginning to think that one man's sub is another man's punchbag. This to me is not a turn-on. So anyway, I got to wondering, what does everyone think makes a good sub?
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What Makes a Sub?
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Sex God
Quote by briseis
what does everyone think makes a good sub?
Watertight doors are usually a good idea.
OK, I'm going
Quote by briseis
Placed an ad on here a couple of weeks back which included a reference to the fact that I am a sub female. Had a few interesting relpies (relpies? new one to me!) but not linked up with anyone as yet. In chatting to a few folks through the miracle of pm's, I'm beginning to think that one man's sub is another man's punchbag. This to me is not a turn-on. So anyway, I got to wondering, what does everyone think makes a good sub?
This would be difficult to answer by anyone's standards. Submission is about trust and respect within a "relationship", naming the qualities that a Dominant would look for is quite diffifult because each Dom is different.
I totally agree with you about "One's man's sub ....." and this is where I think that D/s or indeed any of the BDSM disciplines has a difficult transition into swinging. BDSM is quite an in depth realm and too many people don't take the time to learn or appreciate that it isn't about "do this or be punished". Inexperienced or bad Dom's are tantamount to bullies and could easily abuse rather than nuture a sub.
If you are looking for a geniune Dominant then I personally wouldn't advertise here .. there are some more appropriate sites. However, that isn't me suggesting you leave LOL. If you stick around the Cafe and let people get to know you and get to know others then you are more likely to find what you are looking for without to much pain :twisted:. There are a few BDSM'ers around
good luck ....... from one sub to another.
Sex God
Funnily enough I just had my sub answer this questionaire - Maybe it would help as there are definately different degrees of submissiveness
Which type of submissive are you?
Imagine you are a live-in slave, serving your ideal dominant. What would your life be like? Choose the answer that most closely fits your dream.
1. At 6 a. m. I am suddenly awakened by…
a. Master’s bell
b. Master’s hand stroking me
c. The alarm clock
d. The wake-up call
e. Master’s swift boot
2. It’s time to get dressed. I put on…
a. My uniform
b. Something sexy
c. An apron
d. My Suit
e. Nothing
3. It’s a busy day. I spend the morning…
a. Mending Master/Mistresses riding breeches
b. Pleasuring Master/Mistress
c. Cleaning the hall closet
d. Attending Master/Mistress as he/she tours the city
e. Hanging from a chain
4. Time for Lunch, I eat…
a. in the sitting room
b. off Master/Mistress
c. whenever I get a minute
d. in a nice little café Master/Mistress likes
e. Off Master’s/Mistresses Boots
5. The best thing about being a slave is…
a. being close to Master/Mistress
b. the sex
c. feeling useful
d. experiencing new things
e. Being punished
6. My strong point is..
a. My knowledge of fashion
b. My sex appeal
c. My organizational skill
d. My people skill
e. My loyalty
7. The hardest part of being a slave is…
a. Finding time to keep myself looking good
b. Getting my intellectual needs met
c. The details, all the little details
d. Being on show all the time
e. The wait for a session
8. After dinner…
a. Master/Mistress reads the paper while I polish his/her shoes
b. We retire to the boudoir
c. I do the dishes
d. We are off to the theater with Master’s/Mistresses friends
e. I assume the position for 20 lashes
9. Time for bed, I must…
a. Lay out Master’s/Mistresses outfits for tomorrow
b. Make myself available in case Master/Mistress wants a massage c. Review tomorrow’s menu
d. Get some sleep after pleasuring Master/Mistress, I’ve got to look my best
e. Be chained next to Master’s/Mistresses bed
10. I dream about…
a. being allowed to accompany Master/Mistress on a drive
b. the day Master/Mistress lets me masturbate for him
c. a nice long bubble bath and an intimate dinner out with Master/Mistress
d. just staying home one weekend and relaxing
e. the warm feeling on my bottom
If you answered mostly:
A - you may be a good body servant (lady’s maid or valet). You value intimacy with the dominant above all else. You are aware of the importance of your physical appearance, and you like to help others look their best.
You like personal attention from the dominant and are proud of any trust s/he places in you. You are most comfortable serving at home, although you enjoy it when guest come to visit because it gives you a chance to display your pretty manners.
B – You are probably most interested in being a sex slave. You are a highly sexual person with considerable stamina and you pride yourself on your technique. While most slaves enjoy some sexual attention, the erotic side of slavehood is your main focus.
You may be willing to perform some domestic services tasks, especially if you are rewarded with the privilege of pleasuring the dominant
C – You are best suited to be a housekeeper and/ or cook. You are very organized and have considerable household management skills. You are very organized and have considerable household management skills. You are comfortable dealing with visitors and shopping for the household’s needs, but you’re just as happy behind the scenes. You don’t need very much personal attention and are self-starter.
You derive the greatest satisfaction from attending to the dominant’s needs in a quiet, unobtrusive way.
D – You are an escort. You have an attractive personality and excellent communication skills. You enjoy meeting new people and serving in public. You don’t mind if some people think you’re the dominant’s lover; the two of you know the truth about your relationship. Besides, you’re very discreet.
E – You are a masochist. You enjoy the punishment and the attention of the dominant during the play scene. You tend to want to be the center of attention. You derive the greatest satisfaction from the pleasure pain principle.
Which type of submissive are you?
Imagine you are a live-in slave, serving your ideal dominant. What would your life be like? Choose the answer that most closely fits your dream.
1. At 6 a. m. I am suddenly awakened by…
a. Master’s bell
b. Master’s hand stroking me
c. The alarm clock
d. The wake-up call
e. Master’s swift boot
2. It’s time to get dressed. I put on…
a. My uniform
b. Something sexy
c. An apron
d. My Suit
e. Nothing
3. It’s a busy day. I spend the morning…
a. Mending Master/Mistresses riding breeches
b. Pleasuring Master/Mistress
c. Cleaning the hall closet
d. Attending Master/Mistress as he/she tours the city
e. Hanging from a chain
4. Time for Lunch, I eat…
a. in the sitting room
b. off Master/Mistress
c. whenever I get a minute
d. in a nice little café Master/Mistress likes
e. Off Master’s/Mistresses Boots
5. The best thing about being a slave is…
a. being close to Master/Mistress
b. the sex
c. feeling useful
d. experiencing new things
e. Being punished
6. My strong point is..
a. My knowledge of fashion
b. My sex appeal
c. My organizational skill
d. My people skill
e. My loyalty
7. The hardest part of being a slave is…
a. Finding time to keep myself looking good
b. Getting my intellectual needs met
c. The details, all the little details
d. Being on show all the time
e. The wait for a session
8. After dinner…
a. Master/Mistress reads the paper while I polish his/her shoes
b. We retire to the boudoir
c. I do the dishes
d. We are off to the theater with Master’s/Mistresses friends
e. I assume the position for 20 lashes
9. Time for bed, I must…
a. Lay out Master’s/Mistresses outfits for tomorrow
b. Make myself available in case Master/Mistress wants a massage c. Review tomorrow’s menu
d. Get some sleep after pleasuring Master/Mistress, I’ve got to look my best
e. Be chained next to Master’s/Mistresses bed
10. I dream about…
a. being allowed to accompany Master/Mistress on a drive
b. the day Master/Mistress lets me masturbate for him
c. a nice long bubble bath and an intimate dinner out with Master/Mistress
d. just staying home one weekend and relaxing
e. the warm feeling on my bottom
If you answered mostly:
A - you may be a good body servant (lady’s maid or valet). You value intimacy with the dominant above all else. You are aware of the importance of your physical appearance, and you like to help others look their best.
You like personal attention from the dominant and are proud of any trust s/he places in you. You are most comfortable serving at home, although you enjoy it when guest come to visit because it gives you a chance to display your pretty manners.
B – You are probably most interested in being a sex slave. You are a highly sexual person with considerable stamina and you pride yourself on your technique. While most slaves enjoy some sexual attention, the erotic side of slavehood is your main focus.
You may be willing to perform some domestic services tasks, especially if you are rewarded with the privilege of pleasuring the dominant
C – You are best suited to be a housekeeper and/ or cook. You are very organized and have considerable household management skills. You are very organized and have considerable household management skills. You are comfortable dealing with visitors and shopping for the household’s needs, but you’re just as happy behind the scenes. You don’t need very much personal attention and are self-starter.
You derive the greatest satisfaction from attending to the dominant’s needs in a quiet, unobtrusive way.
D – You are an escort. You have an attractive personality and excellent communication skills. You enjoy meeting new people and serving in public. You don’t mind if some people think you’re the dominant’s lover; the two of you know the truth about your relationship. Besides, you’re very discreet.
E – You are a masochist. You enjoy the punishment and the attention of the dominant during the play scene. You tend to want to be the center of attention. You derive the greatest satisfaction from the pleasure pain principle.
Any situation where Emile Heskey is brought off is great by me!!!
Wasn't particularly looking for a dom partner on here, just sort of came up really. Don't know if it's possible to advertise for one, think it's something you sort of grow into when you suddenly find you've met The One. I certainly wasn't looking to find my dom, he was a work colleague, over the months we both realised something was going on & bingo!
Wasn't particularly looking for a dom partner on here, just sort of came up really. Don't know if it's possible to advertise for one, think it's something you sort of grow into when you suddenly find you've met The One. I certainly wasn't looking to find my dom, he was a work colleague, over the months we both realised something was going on & bingo!
Sex God
Hijacked I see !!!!!! 
Quote by briseis
Placed an ad on here a couple of weeks back which included a reference to the fact that I am a sub female. Had a few interesting relpies (relpies? new one to me!) but not linked up with anyone as yet. In chatting to a few folks through the miracle of pm's, I'm beginning to think that one man's sub is another man's punchbag. This to me is not a turn-on. So anyway, I got to wondering, what does everyone think makes a good sub?
It’s a shame when an interesting subject gets hijacked, but then it is a swinger’s site after all.
But please let me add to Calista’s interesting comments. I am sub to my wife Rachel but Rachel is more interested in exploring her bi side than being a Dom. I don’t feel too happy just having a one-sided femDom relationship; I want Rachel to have what she wants too. We are happy playing and enjoy our games very much but I feel that Rachel and I are in no mans land. She is not a swinger; we have been active in a swingers club once but that just confirmed Rachel’s needs for girl on girl is strong and she dose not want or need an other man. I think Calista is right it a difficult crossover from the BDSM scene to the swingers scene. The only thing I can see would suit us both is, if I was cuckolded by Rachel. But instead of Rachel being with a man she would be with a woman or couple where I would be made to service all 3 as a sub or if the other male was also a sub. But it is true that the sub learns to trust his own Dom. and only his own Dom. in which case all sorts of things could and would be made to happen by Rachel I'm sure, but only on my own Dom’s command. A good Dom. would look after her sub and know how to use him.
We haven’t tried a foursome with like minded people and have no idea if it’s the done thing but I would like to learn more from people in a similar situation as us. I’m happy to go to a swinger’s club but would not touch another woman unless ordered to by Rachel and that’s a case that I don’t need to be with another woman. Most men would think I’m made LOL
Regards,
Paul
But please let me add to Calista’s interesting comments. I am sub to my wife Rachel but Rachel is more interested in exploring her bi side than being a Dom. I don’t feel too happy just having a one-sided femDom relationship; I want Rachel to have what she wants too. We are happy playing and enjoy our games very much but I feel that Rachel and I are in no mans land. She is not a swinger; we have been active in a swingers club once but that just confirmed Rachel’s needs for girl on girl is strong and she dose not want or need an other man. I think Calista is right it a difficult crossover from the BDSM scene to the swingers scene. The only thing I can see would suit us both is, if I was cuckolded by Rachel. But instead of Rachel being with a man she would be with a woman or couple where I would be made to service all 3 as a sub or if the other male was also a sub. But it is true that the sub learns to trust his own Dom. and only his own Dom. in which case all sorts of things could and would be made to happen by Rachel I'm sure, but only on my own Dom’s command. A good Dom. would look after her sub and know how to use him.
We haven’t tried a foursome with like minded people and have no idea if it’s the done thing but I would like to learn more from people in a similar situation as us. I’m happy to go to a swinger’s club but would not touch another woman unless ordered to by Rachel and that’s a case that I don’t need to be with another woman. Most men would think I’m made LOL
Regards,
Paul
Warming the Bed
yeah, this thread went a bit "PREDICTABLE", perhaps "SUB-Servient" for next-time.
Closing my eyes, the first image i get, when i think of the word "Sub", is a female (typical!), bound in thin hemp rope, wrists tied to ankles, head between knees, arse in the air! This also leads onto, bringing "It" out from the cupboard, under the stairs, as and when required.
Already i see the problem, i am referring to the "sub" as an "It", perhaps the nature of the word i.e "being less than" is causing me to!
Yes, tricky one
Take care
Closing my eyes, the first image i get, when i think of the word "Sub", is a female (typical!), bound in thin hemp rope, wrists tied to ankles, head between knees, arse in the air! This also leads onto, bringing "It" out from the cupboard, under the stairs, as and when required.
Already i see the problem, i am referring to the "sub" as an "It", perhaps the nature of the word i.e "being less than" is causing me to!
Yes, tricky one
Take care
Surely there are many many couples like K and I who thoroughly enjoy the sub/dom play and actuality in a moderate way. Are we dom/sub or switch or neither, in that half way through the evening (or even afternoon) we are quite likely to swap around?
But even in the above mild scenario, trust is essential, for what may appeal one day does not the next and it is imperative that one party does not allow him/herself (note that phrase) to become the punchbag for the other.
I could expand considerably on the last bit, but unless asked (unlikely!) I shall refrain.
But even in the above mild scenario, trust is essential, for what may appeal one day does not the next and it is imperative that one party does not allow him/herself (note that phrase) to become the punchbag for the other.
I could expand considerably on the last bit, but unless asked (unlikely!) I shall refrain.
Quote by crosspatch
Surely there are many many couples like K and I who thoroughly enjoy the sub/dom play and actuality in a moderate way. Are we dom/sub or switch or neither, in that half way through the evening (or even afternoon) we are quite likely to swap around?
But even in the above mild scenario, trust is essential, for what may appeal one day does not the next and it is imperative that one party does not allow him/herself (note that phrase) to become the punchbag for the other.
I could expand considerably on the last bit, but unless asked (unlikely!) I shall refrain.
Can't comment on the first part as such ... submission is definitely my choice ... I've quite a dominant personality in real life and so enjoy the submission side of sexuality because it seems enhanced (IYSWIM).
I'm not sure that I would allow another to dominate me with regard to swinging, I need that trust moreso as I have been a punchbag previously and so I guess that is where I struggle to see the two (BDSM/Swinging) intermingling personally. I'm never ruling it out but will really need to know the person well and have them understand my background.
Sex God
This is a really interesting topic, it is a shame people aren't taking it more seriously 
Anyways, I would be interested in hearing other members views about sub/dom play in swinging. There really is a problem with crossing over the two scenes. Many BDSMers think swingers and weird, and vice versa. Most clubs highlight the difefrences between the two scenes perfectly. You see very few BDSMers in swingers clubs for a start. I think in many clubs, if you tried some BDSM play they'd think you were weird! I've seen a bit going on in clubs from time to time, but I think most people who are into both scenes tend to keep their BDSM and swinging activities separate. Yeah, there are some clubs that cater for both, which is good.... but they are in the minority at the mo I think.
Anyways, that doesn't answer the question, what makes a good sub. I think what you need to do is to explore your own boundaries, and they once you've done that you'll answer your own question! If you are playing with a new person you need to discuss before hand what the limits are, or else it could quickly turn nasty.
I've always considered myself dom, but I am interested in switching more now, probably in the way that crosspatch described. I think I have a sub side waiting to come out....
off to find it........................................
Anyways, I would be interested in hearing other members views about sub/dom play in swinging. There really is a problem with crossing over the two scenes. Many BDSMers think swingers and weird, and vice versa. Most clubs highlight the difefrences between the two scenes perfectly. You see very few BDSMers in swingers clubs for a start. I think in many clubs, if you tried some BDSM play they'd think you were weird! I've seen a bit going on in clubs from time to time, but I think most people who are into both scenes tend to keep their BDSM and swinging activities separate. Yeah, there are some clubs that cater for both, which is good.... but they are in the minority at the mo I think.
Anyways, that doesn't answer the question, what makes a good sub. I think what you need to do is to explore your own boundaries, and they once you've done that you'll answer your own question! If you are playing with a new person you need to discuss before hand what the limits are, or else it could quickly turn nasty.
I've always considered myself dom, but I am interested in switching more now, probably in the way that crosspatch described. I think I have a sub side waiting to come out....
off to find it........................................
:lol: :lol: :lol:Quote by Calista
I'm not sure that I would allow another to dominate me with regard to swinging, I need that trust moreso as I have been a punchbag previously and so I guess that is where I struggle to see the two (BDSM/Swinging) intermingling personally. I'm never ruling it out but will really need to know the person well and have them understand my background.
Calista - What is YSWIM? Definitely an acronym I have not previously encountered!
The last part of your post highlights at least part of what I would have been writing about people (nearly always women) being verbally or physically trashed by their partners. Unfortunately, all too many repeat the process time after time, and worse still, blame themselves for its occurrence.
With regard to being sub in a swinging scene, I thoroughly concur, for trust can only be engendered through knowledge of the other person and is a prerequisite if the danger of abuse is to be avoided ... or for that matter, the experience to be enjoyed.
I find it unsurprising that you enjoy being sub(servient) in your sex life while being assertive at other times. Rather flippantly, it can be described as a change being as good as a rest.
A long enough post for now, methinks
Quote by crosspatch
I'm not sure that I would allow another to dominate me with regard to swinging, I need that trust moreso as I have been a punchbag previously and so I guess that is where I struggle to see the two (BDSM/Swinging) intermingling personally. I'm never ruling it out but will really need to know the person well and have them understand my background.
Calista - What is YSWIM? Definitely an acronym I have not previously encountered!
The last part of your post highlights at least part of what I would have been writing about people (nearly always women) being verbally or physically trashed by their partners. Unfortunately, all too many repeat the process time after time, and worse still, blame themselves for its occurrence.
With regard to being sub in a swinging scene, I thoroughly concur, for trust can only be engendered through knowledge of the other person and is a prerequisite if the danger of abuse is to be avoided ... or for that matter, the experience to be enjoyed.
I find it unsurprising that you enjoy being sub(servient) in your sex life while being assertive at other times. Rather flippantly, it can be described as a change being as good as a rest.
A long enough post for now, methinks
IYSWIM - if you see what i mean ...
IYKWIM - if you know what I mean ...
I'd not rule out being a sub in a swinging situation but would need to have extreme confidence in the Dom .... he'd need to have a proven track history ~ not always something you ask people to prove!!!!
I'm reading a great book at the moment "Screw the roses, send me thorns" definite recommended reading for anyone wanting to know more.
Sex God
I always believed I was sub - I've certainly enjoyed my more dominant partners and a couple of them I trusted to let them take over.
My first time at a BDSM club was pretty scary but I soon realised that it brought my dom side out. I now have a nice sub of my own and have found my place on that scene. My sub likes to be humiliated by women and loves to worship feet and boots. I must stress that we're not in a relationship and there is no sexual side to it for me.
One thing though that never interested me was pain, neither giving or receiving it a mild spanking or a bit of hair pulling is ok but far from what others that I know are into.
We're all different.
My first time at a BDSM club was pretty scary but I soon realised that it brought my dom side out. I now have a nice sub of my own and have found my place on that scene. My sub likes to be humiliated by women and loves to worship feet and boots. I must stress that we're not in a relationship and there is no sexual side to it for me.
One thing though that never interested me was pain, neither giving or receiving it a mild spanking or a bit of hair pulling is ok but far from what others that I know are into.
We're all different.
