My girlfriend and I are living in an open relationship. Still, I always want her to tell me beforehand that she is taking someone home, and if I don want her too, she is not supposed to go through with it.
A couple of days ago (we live in different countries for the time being), she called me and asked if she could bring home this guy.. which happens to be the brother of my best friend. I told her no, because I felt that would be awkward and could lead to disaster.
Then this morning, two days later, she told me she brought him home and they spent like 5 hours in bed together.
I mean, Im still excited as hell about it, but I think it was a bad idea.. if this comes out.. it's serious disaster.
Any advice? Should reason and common sense replace lust?
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What should I do?
I think people's definitions of cheating vary.
Like Blonde, for us, swinging alone would be not so much cheating as pointless!
And I think most people find swinging with strangers a lot easier, especially for starters, than swinging with existing friends/ acquaintances. A lot less complicated, certainly
Like Blonde, for us, swinging alone would be not so much cheating as pointless!
And I think most people find swinging with strangers a lot easier, especially for starters, than swinging with existing friends/ acquaintances. A lot less complicated, certainly
Hi;
But what does anyone here know about your relationship?
You say you are living in different countries so you do not normally swing together as a couple as most members in this site do?
An open relationship may be different from a couple swinging - nothing wrong with that and I understand it. When open relationships gets personal however and you are both apart I think you have to evaluate where you both want to go with each other.
I have been down this road myself and it was not a good experience!!
But what does anyone here know about your relationship?
You say you are living in different countries so you do not normally swing together as a couple as most members in this site do?
An open relationship may be different from a couple swinging - nothing wrong with that and I understand it. When open relationships gets personal however and you are both apart I think you have to evaluate where you both want to go with each other.
I have been down this road myself and it was not a good experience!!
Master of Sex
Quote by blonde
Babe,
It depends what the 2 of you want ?
I think swinging alone is cheating............ so what would I know.....
im with you on that one blonde, im very old fasioned when it comes to relationships etc.
i also see swinging without your partner or their knowledge cheating!
On the plus side - she did tell you. On the negative side - it was after the event...
Sounds like you both need to re-evaluate as JudyTV mentioned and ensure your boundaries and limits are agreed. This includes the groups of people you do/don't want to be involved with. Otherwise, this could lead to disaster for your relationship.
Have you considered that you might be a little bit jealous (as you know this guy?) and that's more the reason you are a tad miffed than anything else...
Sounds like you both need to re-evaluate as JudyTV mentioned and ensure your boundaries and limits are agreed. This includes the groups of people you do/don't want to be involved with. Otherwise, this could lead to disaster for your relationship.
Have you considered that you might be a little bit jealous (as you know this guy?) and that's more the reason you are a tad miffed than anything else...
Sex God
Shagging too close to home can make things very complicated and would she have done the same thing if it was you with the best mate of her sister? 
Would you have done the same thing if it was you in a similar situation?
Good luck with the situation, it's not going to be easy but if you love her it will work out ok.
Gem. x
Would you have done the same thing if it was you in a similar situation?Good luck with the situation, it's not going to be easy but if you love her it will work out ok.
Gem. x
Trust is the key to any good relationship. Your agreement was that you would tell each other first, and you could both say yes or no and abide by that. She did tell you first, but when you said no she went ahead and did it anyway. No point in setting rules if one of you is going to do your own thing anyway.
:love: xxx
No point in setting rules if one of you is going to do your own thing anyway. :love: xxx
Thanks for all the advice. I realize most of you are swingers, so it might be difficult for you to imagine our relationship where only one of us is swinging. The point is that we're both having a great time, as I'm much more interested in hearing about her affairs than having one myself.
That being said, I agree with Little Gem that swinging should not take place within friends, or even friends of friends, but possibly as far away from your home as possible. When I get home, I think I will sit down with her and explain that what she did was wrong, and try to lay out the rules once more.
She has 'cheated' on me before, I mean, told me about it afterwards.. and I didn't mind then.. so I think the problem is that it is to close to home.. and that I'm afraid what will happen if if his brother (my friend) or someone else found out. Then I'm left with the unenviable choice of a) breaking up with her because she was cheating (not really an option) b) 'Forgive' her, thereby acting like a wimp or c) explaining about our lifestyle, thereby being branded as a pervert.
None of the options are quite appealing.
That being said, I agree with Little Gem that swinging should not take place within friends, or even friends of friends, but possibly as far away from your home as possible. When I get home, I think I will sit down with her and explain that what she did was wrong, and try to lay out the rules once more.
She has 'cheated' on me before, I mean, told me about it afterwards.. and I didn't mind then.. so I think the problem is that it is to close to home.. and that I'm afraid what will happen if if his brother (my friend) or someone else found out. Then I'm left with the unenviable choice of a) breaking up with her because she was cheating (not really an option) b) 'Forgive' her, thereby acting like a wimp or c) explaining about our lifestyle, thereby being branded as a pervert.
None of the options are quite appealing.
Sex God
Quote by trellian
Thanks for all the advice. I realize most of you are swingers, so it might be difficult for you to imagine our relationship where only one of us is swinging.
I'm not sure that only one of you swinging is actually true. You say you get excited about her being with other men and that you persuaded her to have sex with others in the first place. I think that just makes you a couple who swing in a particular way. The important thing then is total openness and trust. That is how truly strong swinging couples swing together and stay together.
I think that is worth discussing with your partner - otherwise it's a slippery slope I think. Sorry not very palatable I know but better to resolve it now than allow it to fester - I think.
By the way this is a good thread - I feel for what you are going through.
I agree with Tune that this is a good thread but possibly only because I can relate to it having been there myself.
It appears to me that what this boils down to is firstly your definition of swinging and secondly your definition of an open relationship. Personnally, I think there is a difference -in an open relationship you shag who you want independently; in swinging you swap partners or join in with others as a couple.
I would want total honesty in both situations. I realise that in the heat of the moment you are not going to contact your partner and discuss the situation/ask for permission but if a couple have agreed to go down this road the ground rules for either type of relationship should be set/agreed beforehand.
Why after discussing the matter does one part of the partnership do exactly the opposite of what the other member specifically wants/suggests? This can not be honest and so doubt creeps into the relationship.
When the rules are broken and your "open" partner finds someone else, has an affair and leaves you that is when it gets bad. But that can (and does!) happen all the time.
I really think you have to discuss what is going on here and maybe even re-evaluate your defintions of "open relationship" and "swinging" lifestyle.
It appears to me that what this boils down to is firstly your definition of swinging and secondly your definition of an open relationship. Personnally, I think there is a difference -in an open relationship you shag who you want independently; in swinging you swap partners or join in with others as a couple.
I would want total honesty in both situations. I realise that in the heat of the moment you are not going to contact your partner and discuss the situation/ask for permission but if a couple have agreed to go down this road the ground rules for either type of relationship should be set/agreed beforehand.
Why after discussing the matter does one part of the partnership do exactly the opposite of what the other member specifically wants/suggests? This can not be honest and so doubt creeps into the relationship.
When the rules are broken and your "open" partner finds someone else, has an affair and leaves you that is when it gets bad. But that can (and does!) happen all the time.
I really think you have to discuss what is going on here and maybe even re-evaluate your defintions of "open relationship" and "swinging" lifestyle.
Yes, we're not exactly swingers, but I thought this was the best place for some answers, and it was!
I realize now that I have to sit down and have a talk with her when I see her in two weeks or so. I mean, it was I that suggested this lifestyle, and I mostly enjoy the times she has seen other men (not more than 4 guys in the year we've been doing it). However, it has been rather "safe" people so far.. a guy at her work, a guy she met while out drinking and someone from her home city she shagged while home on holiday.
On the first occasion, she texted me for permission, while the guy at her home town was someone I almost urged her to have sex with because she had kissed him once before and fancied him. The third guy (before this incident) happened when (for some reason) I wasn't in the mood for sex, so she went out and did her business and came back, and I was suddenly ready for several hours of sex. She didn't ask me beforehand then either, but that was ok.
I think it simply bothers me that she shagged my friend's brother and that she did it so close to home. She's always telling me she won't do anyone in our hometown because of the consequences it may bring with it. What the heck, maybe I'm just pissed off because I wasn't there to see it :twisted:
I realize now that I have to sit down and have a talk with her when I see her in two weeks or so. I mean, it was I that suggested this lifestyle, and I mostly enjoy the times she has seen other men (not more than 4 guys in the year we've been doing it). However, it has been rather "safe" people so far.. a guy at her work, a guy she met while out drinking and someone from her home city she shagged while home on holiday.
On the first occasion, she texted me for permission, while the guy at her home town was someone I almost urged her to have sex with because she had kissed him once before and fancied him. The third guy (before this incident) happened when (for some reason) I wasn't in the mood for sex, so she went out and did her business and came back, and I was suddenly ready for several hours of sex. She didn't ask me beforehand then either, but that was ok.
I think it simply bothers me that she shagged my friend's brother and that she did it so close to home. She's always telling me she won't do anyone in our hometown because of the consequences it may bring with it. What the heck, maybe I'm just pissed off because I wasn't there to see it :twisted:
Sex God
All I can say to this now is to make up your mind on where you stand with this before you speak to her. If she gets the slightest hint of how this turned you on next time it might be your brother... but then... maybe you want that too 
well if you told her no and she went a head and did it anyway personally id see that as being deceatful??? shes gone against u, and your wishes, it depends on what sort of person you are ......... some people would find that unacceptable open relationship or enough she told u but after u stressed u wouldnt be comfortable with it????? if that was me id be pissed off and would see it as cheating and personally they would be gone.........but im a very "take everything to heart" non forgiving person
it depends on what u want out of this relationship if u dont see it going anywhere then finish it and dont waste your time..................most of all do whatever makes u happy as its your choice and whatever u decide u have to live with!!!
hope this helps
louxxxx
it depends on what u want out of this relationship if u dont see it going anywhere then finish it and dont waste your time..................most of all do whatever makes u happy as its your choice and whatever u decide u have to live with!!!
hope this helps
louxxxx
Dare i say it....i think you've created a monster.......it seems she now has a taste for it so to fact that you get turned on by what she does is fine....but sleeping with your friends brother when you said it was not a good idea purely because of what it could lead to only means that she possibly has out grown you, and is now doing this solely for her own purposes which isn't a problem as such but may lead to complications in your relationship with her!...if you now tell her to stop if you are thinking that, may lead to the break up of you two
Well, I talked to her today.. and she said that she doesn't know when I'm serious or not.. she sometimes regret having this lifestyle, and then I tell her that we can simply stop if she wants to. But deep down she knows my desires, and doesn't take it serious. So she is quite confused as to when I'm serious and when I'm not. And I don't really know how to explain to her that I am... other than saying "I'm serious!"
She guarantees me that nobody will find out, as this guy has a girlfriend as well.. but I'm not that naive, and I take no chances at all. I think I better call the whole thing off (the open-part, not the relationship), but she is so afraid that she won't be good enough for me if she doesn't sleep with the occasional man.. I wonder if my desires have gone too far now.. :cry:
She guarantees me that nobody will find out, as this guy has a girlfriend as well.. but I'm not that naive, and I take no chances at all. I think I better call the whole thing off (the open-part, not the relationship), but she is so afraid that she won't be good enough for me if she doesn't sleep with the occasional man.. I wonder if my desires have gone too far now.. :cry:
like others have said you said no... and no should always mean no...
others might not find out... she right,,, but when you see this fella how will you cope...
ok you and the doris are swingers,, but best mate,, brother.... thats well dodgy one init... only takes a pissed up night.. and he is telling the brother,,
still dont get the bit tho about ,, she wont be good enough if she dont sleep with other blokes..
like da69ve said you have created a monster cause nobody wants occasional mens. they want people you know... you are chopped liver...
others might not find out... she right,,, but when you see this fella how will you cope...
ok you and the doris are swingers,, but best mate,, brother.... thats well dodgy one init... only takes a pissed up night.. and he is telling the brother,,
still dont get the bit tho about ,, she wont be good enough if she dont sleep with other blokes..
like da69ve said you have created a monster cause nobody wants occasional mens. they want people you know... you are chopped liver...
