What''s the solution?

13 Jul 2007

I have this friend who turns shy in new surroundings and with new people. She is very lonely and has not been in a relationship for a very long time and in fact the last time she's had sex was over a year ago! She is getting desperate that she will never meet someone worthwhile. I don't know what to say to her, how to console her and build up her confidence. She used to be outgoing and sociable but that was a lifetime ago. Has anyone got any ideas/advice to give? With thanks for any answers,

13 Jul 2007

Quote by Tania
I have this friend who turns shy in new surroundings and with new people. She is very lonely and has not been in a relationship for a very long time and in fact the last time she's had sex was over a year ago! She is getting desperate that she will never meet someone worthwhile. I don't know what to say to her, how to console her and build up her confidence. She used to be outgoing and sociable but that was a lifetime ago. Has anyone got any ideas/advice to give? With thanks for any answers,

Get out more. Join groups which interest you, that's the way to meet people you'll possibly get on with.

13 Jul 2007

Not knowing her personally, but from what you've written, maybe advise her to reaquaint herself with the social scene, without giving herself the added pressure of finding herself a man?
A sort of breakdown of things rather than aiming for all at once, far less daunting doing the babystep thing I think cool

So, once she's been out and about, getting confident with being around people and making friends, having a nice time for no-one else apart from herself, then maybe she might feel strong enough in herself to start the dating game.
The less pressure you put on yourself with dating, the more fun it is, for all parties concerned I reckon. So if she just takes dates as a good fun night out, presume that he's not going to be Mr Right, but make sure you have a bluddy good night out with someone new - so when Mr Right does eventually come along, it's a big bonus, and he also would've seen a side to her that wasn't totally focussed on meeting a fella and enjoyed her company for who she is as well 8-)
Fingers crossed it works out for her :kissed:

13 Jul 2007

Quote by Freckledbird
Get out more. Join groups which interest you, that's the way to meet people you'll possibly get on with.

I agree and suggest dance classes - salsa, tango, ballroom, whatever suits her. Thsi way she'll be having fun and won't feel the pressure that she's 'on the market', that she has to 'impress' or 'pull' or whatever. She'll just be having a laugh, and as soon as she starts having a laugh, people/men will start to notice her. It is true that men run from women who seem 'desperate' and 'needy' (it probably works the other way around). We are all generally drawn to people who seem at ease with themselves, we instinctively seek some of their joy to rub off on us and take us in.
PS Frecklebird, help please (yet again) - how do I quote in a rectangle, the way everyone seems to do? dunno

13 Jul 2007

Quote by Amarcord
PS Frecklebird, help please (yet again) - how do I quote in a rectangle, the way everyone seems to do?

Oh hang on, I've done it. But how did I do it? :doh:

13 Jul 2007

Quote by Amarcord
PS Frecklebird, help please (yet again) - how do I quote in a rectangle, the way everyone seems to do?

Oh hang on, I've done it. But how did I do it? :doh:
Correction, you did do it the first time - you just ballsed that one up tho didn't ya rotflmao

13 Jul 2007

Blast!!!! :doh:
Now I've just buggered it up too!! rolleyes

:lol2:

13 Jul 2007

Quote by Missy
Now I've just buggered it up too!! :lol2:

Ah, so that's what a moderator does - screws things up to make idiots like me feel ess bad. Fab! :rose:

13 Jul 2007

Well, anyway, I still recommend dance lessons, and you can quote me on that. :smug:

14 Jul 2007

Quote by Amarcord
PS Frecklebird, help please (yet again) - how do I quote in a rectangle, the way everyone seems to do?

You just did it! You'll have hit the 'quote' button at the top right of the post. smile

14 Jul 2007

I used to be really uncomfortable meeting people I didn't know and going out to public places, also I had a blushing phobia (this is when you blush for no reason at all really, other than you think you're going to blush, so you do). I felt uncomfortable just walking around a supermarket as I was so self conscious I thought everyone was looking at me. BUT there is a way out of it but it's not that pleasant. You have to first admit you have a problem and decide you want to change and then slowly have to face your fears; do things you know you're not comfortable with but train your mind to praise yourself and say 'look how brave I am doing this, all these people aren't as brave as me'. Just one little thing each day but set yourself a goal say in 6 months to perhaps walk in a pub, on your own and sit and enjoy a quiet drink.
I did this and improved my life no end. For example I am now am a member of a business networking group where once a week I have to talk to a room of 25 people about my business for 1 minute and every few months I have to do a 10 minute presentation in front of them. A couple of years back the thought of doing this would have sent me into a cold sweat, now I still get a little nervous but realise that I can do it and if I go red or stumble on my words a bit 'fuck it' I won't die on the spot 'so fucking what, no one's perfect' and then just carry on.
Swinging has also helped give me self confidence also.
I hope this hasn't gone too far away from the original post but it sounded to me like she may have similar issues and I hope it helps.
xxx

14 Jul 2007

How about getting your friend involved in local voluntary work, then your friend could start with a few hours a week meeting people, and then join clubs for thing that they are interested in.

14 Jul 2007

Quote by fabioplum
...decide you want to change and then slowly have to face your fears

Sorry to chop up your post fabio... but your spot on mate :thumbup:
It's not so much a problem but a realisation that to achieve what you desire your lifestyle must change.
May I add to fabio's comments the fact that for the change to take place you will learn to be comfortable & be able to love yourself & not the image others see of you.
After all how can you expect anyone to accept you when you don't/cannot accept yourself?
:shock: ...did I just chat a load o bollox? dunno

14 Jul 2007

:shock: ...did I just chat a load o bollox? dunno

Yeah

:giggle:
Tania I agree with most of the above info and can't really add anything helpful, but I hope she sort's it out as life is far too short!
Love
Fire xx

14 Jul 2007

HLB, she has joined several websites and spends a lot of her leisure time online which is partly - in my opinion - the reason she doesn't really have a life.
Amarcord, the suggestion of joining a dance class is very good but she wants to drag me along so she doesn't feel 'exposed' and that is like a nightmare for me as I suffer with bad knees and then Iwould make a fool of myself in my effort to support her. lol

Fabioplum, thanks for sharing your personal experience. It is rare for men to admit to any weaknesses, but I am glad to read you have turned them into strengths. Well done!
Maybe it is just me, but I think that nowadays it is a lot more difficult to form lasting relationships and there are probably a lot of people out there who are suffering the same fate.
Has anyone been on a singles holiday? Just thought it might be a solution, something to help her relax and enjoy herself as some of you have suggested.
Thank you for your replies biggrin