I dont deny i am responsible for my actions, im an adult and i know full well what im doing, but how do you handle it when certain parts of swinging go wrong? My first experience and it didnt go as planned. Ive tried the talking it out, had the hugs, the apologies, but how do you push the bad thoughts out your head? Any advice desperatley and gratefully recieved
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When things go wrong
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you can't push the bad thoughts out. The thing to do is find out what is causing the bad thoughts, breakdown in trust, loss of self esteem, a feeling of insecurity in a changed world. 
Pushing the bad thoughts out is like opening switching a light on because the room is dark - when what you should be doing is opening the curtains and letting the sunlight in.
It works, but at a cost later.
lhk
Kat
Quote by KitKat
Pushing the bad thoughts out is like opening switching a light on because the room is dark - when what you should be doing is opening the curtains and letting the sunlight in.
It works, but at a cost later.
lhk
Kat
Yeah, that`s the bit you have to do first. THEN look at it as a valuable learning curve etc, etc
Venusxxx
Sex God
To an extent it depends on what it is that went wrong. If the experience wasn't what you imagined it would be or you chose the wrong person, and you KNOW what went wrong, you can work on that in the future. Most of all, be honest with yourself. As Kat says, dealing with it now is much better than denying it.
Quote by optimism
I see what youre saying and i appreciate it, but it was my idea and my mistake, everyone else enjoyed it and want a repeat, all accepting my terms now that they know how i feel, but that makes me the spoilsport now :cry:
NEVER feel guilty about reassessing your bounderies. Anyone who has any respect for you will not hold it against you, and anyone who does, is not worth feeling guilty about.
Besides. What mistake? You tried it, didn`t like it. Made it clear you don`t want a repeat. The mistake would have been to say nothing, and dig yourself in deeper. It`s also a mistake (IMO) not to try something out if the idea appeals at the time and all parties are agreeable.
Venusxxx
Sex God
You're not a spoilsport. Everyone has limits, and you obviously have found your's, so stick to your guns. Don't let anyone bully or pressure you into doing anything you don't feel comfortable with. If someone is trying to make you do something you don't want to, they are not the right person to swing with. Good swingers abide by other people's limits! If you honestly think that swinging is not your thing, just say no!!!
Sex God
Quote by optimism
I dont deny i am responsible for my actions, im an adult and i know full well what im doing, but how do you handle it when certain parts of swinging go wrong? My first experience and it didnt go as planned. Ive tried the talking it out, had the hugs, the apologies, but how do you push the bad thoughts out your head? Any advice desperatley and gratefully recieved
It didn't go as planned by whom? If it was someone else's plans that went wrong, maybe they just weren't quite in sync with yours, so next time talk more. If it was your plans, you've obviously found a boundary beyond which you don't want to venture (yet at least).
Maybe it would have been better to realise your boundaries first, but it's too late to do anything about it now so just put it down to experience and move on. Don't push the bad thoughts out, assess why they are bad and go from there.
:therethere: :therethere:
Sex God
Sounds to me that you can't solve it on your own. You haven't been specific so I'm guessing that your partner enjoyed it and is up for more and you're not too enamoured with it.
You've got to analyse why you feel like that. Was it jealousy - a feeling of rejection or just a plain turn-off. Some of these might change with time some might not.
One of the golden rules first time for a couple is a cast iron agreement that if one partner doesn't want to continue - you both stop. If you have that and your partner accepts it then OK. If not quite frankly you've got real problems.
You need a real heart to heart to explore your reactions and to decide which way you go as a couple - I guess.
Sorry if I've made too many presumptions.
You've got to analyse why you feel like that. Was it jealousy - a feeling of rejection or just a plain turn-off. Some of these might change with time some might not.
One of the golden rules first time for a couple is a cast iron agreement that if one partner doesn't want to continue - you both stop. If you have that and your partner accepts it then OK. If not quite frankly you've got real problems.
You need a real heart to heart to explore your reactions and to decide which way you go as a couple - I guess.
Sorry if I've made too many presumptions.
We're not really swingers, we're looking for MMF.
But our first relationship finished because Mr novice didn't feel comfortable with the guy we met.
I enjoyed it to start with, because it was my idea, but it soon became quickly obvious to me that the guy wasn't really up for MMF. He was just going through the motions to shag me.
We had lots of discussions (rows)! about it. In the end I finished it because the aggravation it was causing wasn't worth it.
Definately don't feel like a spoilsport! If it feels wrong it probably is.
But our first relationship finished because Mr novice didn't feel comfortable with the guy we met.
I enjoyed it to start with, because it was my idea, but it soon became quickly obvious to me that the guy wasn't really up for MMF. He was just going through the motions to shag me.
We had lots of discussions (rows)! about it. In the end I finished it because the aggravation it was causing wasn't worth it.
Definately don't feel like a spoilsport! If it feels wrong it probably is.
Quote by optimism
I dont deny i am responsible for my actions, im an adult and i know full well what im doing, but how do you handle it when certain parts of swinging go wrong? My first experience and it didnt go as planned. Ive tried the talking it out, had the hugs, the apologies, but how do you push the bad thoughts out your head? Any advice desperatley and gratefully recieved
you as well :cry:
Sex God
Quote by nomis123
I dont deny i am responsible for my actions, im an adult and i know full well what im doing, but how do you handle it when certain parts of swinging go wrong? My first experience and it didnt go as planned. Ive tried the talking it out, had the hugs, the apologies, but how do you push the bad thoughts out your head? Any advice desperatley and gratefully recieved
you as well :cry:
Yours didn't turn up though did they Nomis? Not the same as a meet which didn't go as planned activity-wise.
Sex God
Heres the rub , if it makes you sad try not doing it at all ! 
Its not a suggestion youve had so far , but it might just work . xx
Its not a suggestion youve had so far , but it might just work . xx 
Sex God
Quote by optimism
I see what youre saying and i appreciate it, but it was my idea and my mistake, everyone else enjoyed it and want a repeat, all accepting my terms now that they know how i feel, but that makes me the spoilsport now :cry:
Try not to feel like a spoilsport - it is never a good idea to "go with the flow" to keep other people happy. Work out what you want personally from swinging then negotiate with your partner so that hopefully everyone gets what they want and there is no fallout.
Sometimes talking with your partner can help clear up feelings of insecurity or jealousy though and something that wasn't right for you can be fine after a good chat.
At the end of the day keep talking about it - and as Silk and Big G said if it's not right for you at the moment back away and consider trying again later (Or even never)
Roger the Dragon 8-)
Quote by optimism
I see what youre saying and i appreciate it, but it was my idea and my mistake, everyone else enjoyed it and want a repeat, all accepting my terms now that they know how i feel, but that makes me the spoilsport now :cry:
Personally i would look at it slightly differently. (Take it, or leave it!)
So everyone calls you a spoilsport? Well, i suppose technically, if we were to look at the word, then you are really. :shock: But who the fuck, gives a fuck ???????
Okay, so you are a fucking spoilsport for not doing what other poeple want you to do. Errrrr, even if that was a correct statement. - So????? You DO, what the fuck YOU, WANT to do. They are in fact DOING exactly what they themselves WANT to do. It just so happens, that your idea of it, is different to there idea of it, and there's more of them. Does NOT mean that their idea of it, is any more right, than your idea is wrong, or vice versa.
Its about learning what respect for other people IS actually all about. Affording them the same level of repect as you would want for yourself. You have to grasp onto your own self respect first.
I would apologise for the swearing if i gave a shit, but just wanted to let you all know that i did think about the apology in the first place.
Lots of love, hugs and kisses
Little
XXX
Quote by little
Okay, so you are a fucking spoilsport for not doing what other poeple want you to do. Errrrr, even if that was a correct statement. - So????? You DO, what the fuck YOU, WANT to do. They are in fact DOING exactly what they themselves WANT to do. It just so happens, that your idea of it, is different to there idea of it, and there's more of them. Does NOT mean that their idea of it, is any more right, than your idea is wrong, or vice versa.
Its about learning what respect for other people IS actually all about. Affording them the same level of repect as you would want for yourself. You have to grasp onto your own self respect first.
Damn I love your posts. I swear to god they are the route to my inner peace and all that bollox.
Post more. The forum would be richer for it.
Venusxxx
Quote by optimism
I dont deny i am responsible for my actions, im an adult and i know full well what im doing, but how do you handle it when certain parts of swinging go wrong? My first experience and it didnt go as planned. Ive tried the talking it out, had the hugs, the apologies, but how do you push the bad thoughts out your head? Any advice desperatley and gratefully recieved
Sorry you had a bad experience optimism but I think you handled it very well. Talking it out and not pushing it to one side is the best way of dealing with it. Now you have done that move on, you have shown that you control your own destiny, put it behind you. Every day is a new day.
xxx :color:
Sex God
Quote by optimism
I want to say a big thanks to everyone who replied to my post and ive taken into account everything said, you lot really are a nice bunch.Wish i knew how to give a hug emoticon, cos id send you all one. Take care all of you and special thanks to steve. xxxx
:therethere: :therethere: :therethere:
Quote by optimism
I dont deny i am responsible for my actions, im an adult and i know full well what im doing, but how do you handle it when certain parts of swinging go wrong? My first experience and it didnt go as planned. Ive tried the talking it out, had the hugs, the apologies, but how do you push the bad thoughts out your head? Any advice desperatley and gratefully recieved
"when certain parts of swinging go wrong" I have also had a bad experience, but without knowing what went wrong for you..........
Mine was beyond my control
the guy came in my mouth without warning :cry: which I was less than pleased by, only to turn around & see that his mrs was just about to shag my partner bareback :!: I stopped it all, I really wasn't happy with the situation, I got appologies but still didnt feel good, I asked my partner what the hell he was thinking of, he said he got carried away & that it was me & him always, I forgave him as we had both taken viagra for the first time (had heard it works for women too although it didnt do anything for me :( ) I have this defence thing called closed doors, I put the thought there & leave it. Not great but works for me.......................... Warming the Bed
The only thing I can say is that he feels awful about it.
Sorry doesnt go far enough and if you give him time he will make it up to you.
I promise xxxx
Sorry doesnt go far enough and if you give him time he will make it up to you.
I promise xxxx
