Where's my money!

26 Apr 2005

Hi Dave

:wave: :wave:
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful!!
Thanks for the dosh. You'll be pleased to know that I am spending it wisely. The cruise ends in about three weeks time when we arrive in Brisbane, Australia. Mrs J sends her love and asks if you have noticed that she hasn't returned from the shopping trip she went on last Thursday!
Anyway, must go now - Mrs J is in the Nobbly Knees Competition in the Ballroom and I'm off to play Croquet on the Poop Deck!!
I will be in touch.
Sarge xxx biggrin

:D :D :D

26 Apr 2005

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
John
wink

26 Apr 2005

Quote by davej
I dunno what your talking about davej but do you know how I can change my name because I am moving house.
What do you think

:giggle:

I reckon your nuts have you any idea how much time it's gonna take you to clean them windows :shock: and bollocks to taking down the net curtains for a wash ...bloody nightmare.
Well with the all our wonga Dawn's got stashed away she can afford to get the staff for all these jobs mad

26 Apr 2005

Quote by Sgt Bilko
Hi Dave :wave: :wave:
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful!!
Thanks for the dosh. You'll be pleased to know that I am spending it wisely. The cruise ends in about three weeks time when we arrive in Brisbane, Australia. Mrs J sends her love and asks if you have noticed that she hasn't returned from the shopping trip she went on last Thursday!
Anyway, must go now - Mrs J is in the Nobbly Knees Competition in the Ballroom and I'm off to play Croquet on the Poop Deck!!
I will be in touch.
Sarge xxx
:D :D :D

fuck have you ever drawn the short straw, pound to a pinch you stick her in one of them rubber boats and set her adrift before the weeks out. I will admit that I'm going to miss her and it would have been nice if she could have finished laying the patio before your trip, but hey such a small sacrifice............. rotflmao

26 Apr 2005

it get's worse. it's obviously an SH wide conspiracy! :shock:
countess, you can try the lil ole innocent me act all you like, but i'm not nearly so green as i'm cabbage lookin' ya know! don't think i've forgotten what you do for a living. hhhmmmm? must come in very handy changing all our cash for used untraceable notes eh? and then no doubt sarge rolls up in his tank and pretends it just yer run of the mill armoured car pick up and carts off the bundles down the docks and straight onto the QE2!
infamy . . infamy . . . they've all got it infamy! :huh: blink

n x x x x ;)

26 Apr 2005

Hi Dave

:wave: :wave:
Well we are in Hong Kong now!!
Mrs J won the knobbly Knees Contest on the QE2. She really is erm............... different that woman. When you said she moaned a lot, I thought you meant during sex. She hasn't stopped moaning. :shock: :shock: :shock:
We had a walk round the Kong Kong Market. I picked up a plastic toy, looked underneath it and it had made in Great Britain stamped on it!! confused

:? :?
We are back on the ship tonight so I will send you another postcard as soon as possible.
Sarge xx
P.S. Has she always had this snoring problem?? :shock: :shock: :shock: :?

27 Apr 2005

Quote by Sgt Bilko

Hi Dave :wave: :wave:
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful!!
Anyway, must go now - Mrs J is in the Nobbly Knees Competition in the Ballroom and I'm off to play Croquet on the Poop Deck!!
I will be in touch.
Sarge xxx
:D :D :D

You think with a boat like that they would have proper toilets
dunno

:dunno:

27 Apr 2005

Quote by Sgt Bilko
P.S. Has she always had this snoring problem?? :shock: :shock: :shock:

drop something in her mouth it shuts her straight up wink

the only problem you've got is that the minute anything passes her lips she starts to chew, I think it's just an auto reaction these days cos I've sat and watched her chew soup before now, that sort of gummy smack that the old folk do..............
If I were you I'd get my arse over to an Arabic country and see if you can't get a trade for a couple of Camels, there gonna be cheaper to keep and from what I've been told you will probably enjoy their company more if you know what I mean.

27 Apr 2005

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

27 Apr 2005

Quote by davej
Now admittedly I've got Â£100 tucked away in the boot of my car just in case.......

Ummmm......<wipes sticky fingers and eyes what's left of worth of Thorntons choccie guiltily>
Would you like the change back Dave? redface

27 Apr 2005

Hi Dave

:wave: :wave:
Greetings from Singapore!!
The snoring is now becoming a problem :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
I have sent you a postcard showing our accommodation. Mrs J is sleeping in the black apartment on the left whilst I have moved into the little shack in the bottom right hand corner. It is a bit grubby but at least I can get a good nights kip.
Mrs J and I meet up each morning for the daily shopping trip. This consists of me following her round carrying her bags and shaking my head when she asks "Does my bum look big in this?"
The thought of the camels you mentioned earlier is becoming more attractive by the day.
I'll be in touch confused

:? :?
Sarge xx

27 Apr 2005

Quote by Sgt Bilko
Hi Dave :wave: :wave:
Greetings from Singapore!!

The snoring is now becoming a problem :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
I have sent you a postcard showing our accommodation. Mrs J is sleeping in the black apartment on the left whilst I have moved into the little shack in the bottom right hand corner. It is a bit grubby but at least I can get a good nights kip.
Mrs J and I meet up each morning for the daily shopping trip. This consists of me following her round carrying her bags and shaking my head when she asks "Does my bum look big in this?"
The thought of the camels you mentioned earlier is becoming more attractive by the day.
I'll be in touch :? :?
Sarge xx

Ah the old novelty is wearing off is it....didn't think it would be long. I'm gonna send you a thousand quid just to help things along. Don't worry about the snoring you get used to it after a few years , but for fuck sake keep her away from the Dorito's near bedtime , the combination of heavy snoring and barbeque dorito breath will take your skin off in a flash, I sleep in one of them hoods that F1 drivers wear, but you might have trouble buying one at short notice.
I know it's a bugger having to carry her bags around , but honest to God I took her to the surgeon who said that eye lifts had improved over the years but that amount of skin was a fucking joke, I get pissed off carrying her bags , but I get even more embarrassed if she trips over them so it's the lesser of two evils.

27 Apr 2005

: :?:
Oi Sgt did I just see you poncing in Boogie Street :?:
You can find me at the Seven Stories Hotel if you need a guide lol

Fred

27 Apr 2005

Hi Dave

:wave: :wave:
Meet Polo and Venus (So called because they both have the hump!!!) confused

:? :?

I couldn't stand the snoring and moaning any longer so I traded in Mrs J. I got you the best deal possible. He wanted to give me a goat, two chickens and 7 goldfish, but I know how keen you are on Camels!!
Mrs J is now roaming around the Sahara whilst me and the girls are heading back. Can you please make sure you have removed the car from the garage and have thrown a bit of loose straw around the gaff.
We'll keep you informed of our progress.
Sarge xx :?

27 Apr 2005

If we are still in Singapore, its not Boogie Street but Orchard Towers you should be worried about!!!!

27 Apr 2005

Do we look like we're in Singapore??? :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: rolleyes

:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:
we're in Prestatyn !!

:rotflmao: :rotflmao:

27 Apr 2005

Sorry Sgt but my god the donkeys have got a lot bigger!!
I'm still a far east man myself but the action in Dhubai is quite good as well.

27 Apr 2005

Can you please make sure you have removed the car from the garage and have thrown a bit of loose straw around the gaff.

last i heard dave had an elephant in there after the giraffe in the fridge incident. dunno how he'll take this? dunno

quite a little menagerie he's building though. he could start doing petting days for the local schools and everything! biggrin

((( that's like stroking animals, not THAT kind of 1950s petting, obviously! rolleyes

)))

Meet Polo and Venus (So called because they both have the hump!!!)

:rotflmao: :rotflmao:
you're either very, very brave, or suicidally foolish! :dunno: better hope venus never ever sees this thread . . .
*skips off into PM with a URL for venus*
hee heeee!
neil x x x :P

28 Apr 2005

Meet Polo and Venus (So called because they both have the hump!!!)

:rotflmao: :rotflmao:

Quote by neilinleeds
last i heard dave had an elephant in there after the giraffe in the fridge incident. dunno how he'll take this? quite a little menagerie he's building though. he could start doing petting days for the local schools and everything! ((( that's like stroking animals, not THAT kind of 1950s petting, obviously! )))
neil x x x :P

Too right neil, the bloody Elephant is still in that garage so fitting in Venus and Polo when Bilko brings em back aint gonna be easy. I am convinced that the beast isn't gonna fit into the fridge and as yet I havn't found any good use for it.
The Giraffe to be fair has been a God send since mrs davej decided to leg it around the world with my cash and old four eyes. I managed to coax it back out into the garden where I stick a bowl of water down for it each morning and wait for the bugger to bend down for a drink, minute it does then a 10lb load of washing gets chucked up on it's head and horns......bloody wonderfull, much better than that poxy rotary dryer I got from Homebase, gets the washing above the fence line so the wind can get at it, dry in no time. If only I could teach it to iron as well as Easy's dog I would be well away.
If anyone is thinking about replacing their line or rotary with new then I would definately reccomend that they have a shufty through Exchange and Mart for a Giraffe instead, it's not as strange as it sounds really, lots of people use a horse to dry their washing on and advised me to dry my stuff on a horse, but to be honest they are no where near as good, last time I flung a set of bed linen on one it just cantered round a bit till it dropped off......no horns you see.....nothing to hold the washing on it's body, you can peg a couple of pair of socks to each ear but after that....fuck all.

28 Apr 2005

naaawwww dave you're havin' a giraffe . . . i mean a laff mate!
if it's spring fresh wind dried laundry yer after, you want a deer mate. a great big ginormous rutting stag of a deer. think about it . . . they don't chop their heads off to make hatstands for nowt you know. get a full load on a pair of antlers no bother.
yer giraffe on the other hand, would make a great slide for the kids. all the rage in them adventure playgrounds is yer giraffe. just teach it to kneel down a bit, stick a stepladder up against it's head and a mattress under it's backside, hours of fun for all the family. and bet you could maybe teach the elephant how to fill the paddling pool up just so it's got summat to do. have all the kids round that will!
neil x x x ;)

28 Apr 2005

I really must point out that a rutting stag is no good for spring fresh wind dried laundry as firstly the rutting season for deer is in September/October and secondly, stags loose their antlers in the spring anyway!!!
If the giraffe is being used as a slide - not such a bad idea by the way - maybe the washing line could be placed between the elephant's tusks when it is not filling the paddling pool?
Alternatively, why not try a moose?

29 Apr 2005

Hi Dave

:wave: :wave:
Why does my life have to be so problematic?? confused

:? :?
The crew of the ship refused to allow me to take the "girls" on board. We are now making our way home by car, bought with the last bit of your money.
I really regret getting involved with that Mrs J now. I am skint, thousands of miles away from home, sat in a car with two camels that snore almost as loud as Mrs J does!! :shock: :shock: :shock:
What makes it worse is the thought of you partying and enjoying your Mrs J-free life!!
Why is life so unfair??
I'll be in touch soon.
Sarge xx

29 Apr 2005

Sarge I'm sure that Mrs. J is like dog crap....... you can smell it, but never find it........ confused

:? :? :? No. Hang on. That's not right.
:? :? :? :?
:idea:
Get's blummin' everywhere. :thumbup: :mrgreen:
I'm sure she'll be back home sooner or later with Mr. J. Sir worship

Well when I say home, she'll be in the house and he'll either be in the potting shed or, if he's very well behaved , in the house under the coffee table. wink

29 Apr 2005

Hi Dave

:wave: :wave:
Well you will be pleased to hear that we have made it as far as Calais and we are just about to board the ferry to Dover, so hopefully we will be back in a few hours.
I have been giving some thought to how I am going to get the girls through Customs as I can't afford to put them into quarentine for 6 months. I have cunningly disguised them as their namesakes (Venus is obviously the small one on the left!!) and I am confident I can just drive straight through the Nothing To Declare channel.
Get the kettle on, we'll see you soon.
Sarge xx

29 Apr 2005

Quote by ockysweeties
it's you lot that's taken all mine.. damn conversion rates. I lose more than half my money every time I have to do a transfer, tell me where that other half magically evaporates too, huh!!!

Yeah but don't you think our notes are much prettier than those grubby things your lot use? And you can tell ours apart.... and you get a history lesson... though no doubt you think they are quaint! So, Ocky, what's you favourite so far? And have you discovered the scottish one s yet.... don't let anyone tell you they are really legal tender, they are trying to rip you off as a gullible american!!!! LOL
heheheh
I'm collecting the Scottish ones to make a kilt for when I got back to the states... as for whose money is "prettier" ... well, lets compare:
you DO have a flair for the dramatic flourishes on yours....
If you have smaller money does that mean you have smaller wallets? and if you have smaller wallets do you have smaller pockets? and if you have smaller pocket does that mean you have smaller hands? and if you have smaller hands that would mean my dick would look bigger in them !!!!!
hmmnn, i'm moving to the USA, I would be positively hugely endowed over there.

30 Apr 2005

Quote by Sgt Bilko
Hi Dave :wave: :wave:
Well you will be pleased to hear that we have made it as far as Calais and we are just about to board the ferry to Dover, so hopefully we will be back in a few hours.
I have been giving some thought to how I am going to get the girls through Customs as I can't afford to put them into quarentine for 6 months. I have cunningly disguised them as their namesakes (Venus is obviously the small one on the left!!) and I am confident I can just drive straight through the Nothing To Declare channel.
Get the kettle on, we'll see you soon.
Sarge xx
Bloody hell this is excellent news, I'm looking forward to the girls arriving and might even forgive you running off with the missus if they turn out to be as nice as they look.
Now as it happens I know Dover very well, I've spent the last four years working there and staying in a hotel there through the week, I also spend a few evenings around the town cos I get bored and I honestly don't think you will have any trouble getting the girls through. The place is full of foreign looking folk and some of the local girls definately got a thrashing with an ugly stick in their early years so just stick some lippy, a few strings of 'Elizabeth Duke' bling round their necks, lug on a pair of jeans that are too tight and let their fat sloppy bellies hang over the top and I can assure you that you could walk em into a bar , buy them a pint of Snake bite each and even though they bellow and spit, they would blend right in with the locals.
I've had a card from mrs davej who is well pissed off with you dumping her in the desert and doing the trade, she had to go and get a job for the first time in her life to support herself and is working in a snake farm milking them for their venom. Apparently she met up with the owner of this business and they have spent a lot of time together, she said he has had a bit of a moan about some of her habits and also said that he is well pissed of with her a couple of times, but she is sure that love is in the air. After a week together the guy was good enough to give her the job on the farm in the milking department, apparently she is the only one that the owner has instructed to suck the venom straight from the snake and spit it into the jars,
I will stick the kettle on and loo,k forward to your arrival although I'm gonna struggle to house the girls what with the other beasts that are around the place.

1 May 2005

Hi Dave

:wave: :wave:
We have hit a slight snag!! confused

:? :? :?
I took the girls onto the beach at Calais to try to make some money to pay for the ferry. It sems that Venus and Polo are used to using their bodies to make money - by giving kids a ride for 2 Euros a go. :shock: :shock: :shock:
Anyway, I had just built up a nice little stash when I was pounced upon by the Equal Rights For Gay Camels Popular Front (French Division). They have released the camels into the wild, (Calais!!) called me some nasty names, then buried me in the sand!! :cry: :cry: :cry:
It's not too bad because for the first time in ages I can have a kip without either the camels or Mrs J snoring in my ear but I'm now getting worried as he tide is due in in about 3 hours :shock: :shock: :shock:
I know it is a lot ot ask, seeing as I ran away with your wife, but any chance of you getting a few of the lads together and hot footing it over here to get me out. :? :? :?
See you soon (I hope) :shock:
Sarge xx

1 May 2005

Quote by Sgt Bilko

Hi Dave :wave: :wave:
We have hit a slight snag!! :? :? :?
I took the girls onto the beach at Calais to try to make some money to pay for the ferry. It sems that Venus and Polo are used to using their bodies to make money - by giving kids a ride for 2 Euros a go. :shock: :shock: :shock:
Anyway, I had just built up a nice little stash when I was pounced upon by the Equal Rights For Gay Camels Popular Front (French Division). They have released the camels into the wild, (Calais!!) called me some nasty names, then buried me in the sand!! :cry: :cry: :cry:
It's not too bad because for the first time in ages I can have a kip without either the camels or Mrs J snoring in my ear but I'm now getting worried as he tide is due in in about 3 hours :shock: :shock: :shock:
I know it is a lot ot ask, seeing as I ran away with your wife, but any chance of you getting a few of the lads together and hot footing it over here to get me out. :? :? :?
See you soon (I hope) :shock:
Sarge xx

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Cathy x

2 May 2005

Dave :? :?
Hurry up!! :shock: :shock: :shock:

2 May 2005

Quote by Sgt Bilko

Hi Dave :wave: :wave:
We have hit a slight snag!! :? :? :?
I took the girls onto the beach at Calais to try to make some money to pay for the ferry. It sems that Venus and Polo are used to using their bodies to make money - by giving kids a ride for 2 Euros a go. :shock: :shock: :shock:
Anyway, I had just built up a nice little stash when I was pounced upon by the Equal Rights For Gay Camels Popular Front (French Division). They have released the camels into the wild, (Calais!!) called me some nasty names, then buried me in the sand!! :cry: :cry: :cry:
It's not too bad because for the first time in ages I can have a kip without either the camels or Mrs J snoring in my ear but I'm now getting worried as he tide is due in in about 3 hours :shock: :shock: :shock:
I know it is a lot ot ask, seeing as I ran away with your wife, but any chance of you getting a few of the lads together and hot footing it over here to get me out. :? :? :?
See you soon (I hope) :shock:
Sarge xx

Right ladies and gents.....it seems we have a mission. As you can see, the sarge has been buried up to his neck in sand somewhere in Calais and time isn't on his side. It makes a change for it to be sand and if I had my way I would have buried him up to his neck by turning him up the other way, however, no fucker and I mean no fucker, has the right to bury one of our members, only we can wantanly go around getting our members buried and as such I would hope that you will rally round and meet up down at the docks tomorrow.
It's gonna be a nice day and I thought we could all get there early and have a breakfast together, take in a ride on the ferry and do some shopping. I'm sure that a lot of you could do with stocking up your wine cellars......well alright, the cupboard under the stairs,
I do know of some nice cafes where we could take a liesurely lunch before seeing some of the sights around town. I will book a room locally so we can take a rest and freshen up before visiting a very nice restuarant on the quay side called ooohh lalala which will no doubt put on a bit of entertainment.
If this sounds like a fair enough plan then just let me know so I can sort the numbers out and take advantage of the cheaper block booking rates.