There are things that I’ve done this weekend and that I know a number of other people do, enough to make me think its common place, not individual little foibles, but summint a lot of folk seem to do that make no sense when you think about it.
Is this you as well? Have you observed other examples of common behaviour that’s cracked?
Taking a bath
I start of in a sensible way. Put the plug in. Run the taps. Add some Matey fun time or other such bubbly liquid. Fill the bath to the desired level. Turn off the taps……and then the senseless behaviour starts :-
After a quick swish of the hand I determine its too hot, so I turn on the cold tap and add what I know in my heart of hearts isn’t anywhere near enough, but fuck it, I’m disrobing and getting in no matter what. So over the edge goes the first foot and makes contact…oooofff ! ! ! iitss hhhootttt!…..and out again.
Now it’s at this stage an Ape with minimal training would reach for the cold tap, but a 50 year old bloke with years of experience and a GCSE in woodwork doesn’t and once again raises a red foot and has another dunk. The second dunk is always easier, perhaps the nerve endings are numbed by the first scalding or summint else but anyways the foot generally gets to stay in. Not deterred in the slightest, foot number two comes over the top to join its injured partner…..oooofff !....fuuuuccckk !.....you basssttaarddd !.... and out.
Now we start the Flamingo trot, stand on one leg to keep a foot clear of the water for as long as the submerged one can stand and then all change. Repeat this little jig until both feet are acclimatised, which is a posh way of saying burnt. Even at this stage my brain screams……get out you stupid fucker and run the cold !....but no I’m clearly not listening cos this arse is going down.
Gingerly, for we know what’s coming, we lower the most tender part of our body towards water that is still hotter than the average motorway cup of coffee, which I blow across cos I don’t want to burn me mouth. It touches, it’s lifted up, it touches it’s lifted up, it touches, it’s lifted up. Having dispensed with the Flamingo trot, we are now into the reverse movements of the Mandarin ducks matting dance, arse up, arse down, arse up and arse I know it’s still way too hot cos I’m making little noises…oooohhs…aarrggs…. Ooomphs…along with facial expressions that would win a Gurning contest hands down till eventually, touch down.
The pantomime continues with my back as I lie down, up a bit, down a bit, up a bit down a bit, but…why?
Eating Sherbert Lemons, Rhubarb and Custards or similar
We have an old fashioned sweet shop that still sells sweets from a bygone era, one of my favourites are Sherbert Lemons, not from the newer manufacturers where they come in a sealed plastic / poly bag and are as smooth as a marble, but the old rougher ones with a prominent seam around the middle where the two halves are joined after the sherberts put in. Now these seams are tough and rough and after about six sweets in succession, start to worry the roof of the mouth, after around ten or more they cut it to shreads, but does that deter me? Does it fuck, despite the discomfort, I’m gonna pop some more in. Now I don’t like pain, so why am I going to swap it for discomfort, but I am. In they go, one after the other, this bag gets finished or blood is gonna be spilt, whichever comes first,
Leaving going to the toilet until the last minute
I know well in advance of the act, when I want to go, yet I hang on, despite the availability of a facility. Other less advanced mammals ain’t this thick, they don’t wait until desperation, impending embarrassment and pain make them walk like Hercule Poirot with a groin strain advertising to the world, I’m gonna shit myself if theres a queue, they simply go. Now I will admit that’s once I’ve made it the sense of relief is, to my mind, the best feeling in the world, only to be turned into frustration as you have to put your arm up inside the paper dispenser and chase the end around until the middle of next week, but……why?
Pouring a fizzy drink from a bottle to a glass
Now I’ve a rough grasp of the physics, carbonated drink hits bottom of glass, gases go through rapid expansion, liquid momentarily rises, so why the fuck don’t I learn? Starts off O.K. put some in, let it rise, let it subsi…..no fuck it, lets put some more in, let it rise, let it fuck, tilt that bottle….. all over the soddin counter top, now matter how quick I bend down and slurp like a camel taking in water after a month on the sands, it’s got the beating of me, but…..why?
What things have you seen that you think are daft acts, but probably common?
:doh: how many times i have done those
mind you funny to read it from another perspective
ah that would be the biting into burning hot pizza, knowing before you do that the cheese is gonna stick to the roof of your mouth cause a blister and take all the skin off, does this stop you, noooo course it doesnt, so you bite, it burns n sticks, then your mouth is extremely sore, then you get the whole hangy bit of skin that needs removing so start hoking around in your gob with your fingers, and after this point anything further you eat stings lick fuck!
E x
Or..............
I really need a wee but I can wait........
No I can't, where's the nearest McDonalds?
Or ask the kids before we leave home - No's all round - until we're as far from civilisation as possible............
Hey Davej, good examples. should get some interesting answers to this one.
I got one.... 'TV Remote Control'. It has been working fine and then it doesn't. In my heart of hearts i know it needs fresh batteries but i press every button to try and get it going and then press them all again with added force next time around with a few swear words to pass. I even take the batteries out and rub them and put them back and expect the control to work. This goes on for a while! I should know better now cos it happens all the time and as soon as i buy some new batteries the control works fine ! God i am so bizarre sometimes.
Westgate.
My classic - and I've done it more times than I can remember.
Having had a casserole or similar in the oven for at least 2 hours, bubbling away nicely, I locate the Lakeland oven gloves (capable of withstanding searing heat for hours on end), open the oven (turning my head away at the last second to prevent the glasses/steam problem), reach in and carefully lift the roasting hot pot out of the oven. Kick the door closed and place the pot neatly on the hob where it's searingly hot base will do no damage.
I then divest myself of the oven gloves, get the stirring/tasting spoon out of the drawer, reach over and pick up the lid to stir the delicious food.
WITHOUT THE OVEN GLOVE!!!!
How stupid am I? No idea - but I do it too often to be sane and spend the next 2 days not being able to touch anything cos of the blisters.
My God its good to have Davej back posting again :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
one of mine..
I'm a bit of a "fisherman's friend" addict..yes, the strong ones in the white package..
I eat them like some people smoke..except I've never seen anyone smoke two at a time and sometimes I do that too.
now..I don't know if you're familiar with the taste of them and with what they do to your mouth..but if any of you are..
have you ever tried to drink a cold glass of water straight after having downed one of the sweets?
if that doesn't blow the top of your head off..nothing will
Hey Melting_Pot, i live in fleetwood where they make fishermens friends. never really liked them but am interested in getting a buzz from doing one or two with a cold glass of water - sounds legal ;-).
dunno about buzz...it's more like the "fresh explosion" they talk about in the ads, only multiplied...lol
Davej;
I totally agree on the bath thing. I did that for years on the rare occasions that I had a bath. Am a shower man mostly (see threads passim)
My solution is to start both taps and when only an inch or so of water in the bath ... get in. You can then adjust the taps accordingly increasing the hot or cold to meet your needs. What actually happens though is that you put too much cold in , so turn that tap off and increase the hot to full bore.
Brilliant indeed... you only burn your feet.
Paul
It's a cold, wet, miserable night and you're driving home. Ping the fuel light goes on, and the fuel computer says there is 50 miles left in the tank. Home is 60 miles away Fuel is close at hand but needs a 10 minute detour adding to your journey time, but there is a garage nearer home on your route. Decision time, and you select to go the distance.
Ping 25 miles left in the tank, and your best guess is that it's 15 to the filling staion, just 10 left at the end. Will you make it? Probably, but the nagging doubts are starting to move about in your head. You start to wish you had made that detour now.
Ping 10 miles left in the tank and it's about 5 miles to the filling station. Holy cow it's getting close and panic is starting to rise as you watch the fuel miles appear to drop quicker that the miles you are travelling. Theres a real confict in your pants as your backside fights with your brain trying desparatly not to soil you pants. You're red hot, but the car is freezing. Where is that filling station?
There it is, there it is. Thank God. You coast in with 2 miles fuel left, heave a sigh of relief and fill the tank. You gaze at the fuel quantity that you put in and realise that the tank really was dry. Silenty you vow to yourself never to do that again.
It's a cold, wet, miserable night................
Been there, done that. Hands up all those that have done it too. Errm just rephrase that, hands up in the air those that have done that. I know how some of the barmpots think on this site.