As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan,
older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting
the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a
program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal
year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their
employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of
Capabilities of Retired-Early Workers). All employees who have been
SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This
appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may only
be SLAPPED once and SCREWED twice but may be SHAFTED as many times as
the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has
AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP
are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or
CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management
wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the
company will continue its policy of training employees through our
Special, High-Intensity Training (SH1T). We take pride in the amount of
SH1T our employees receive. We have given our employees more SH1T than
any employees in this area. If any employee feels they did not receive
enough SH1T on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor
is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SH1T you can
stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
The Management
(Thought this would brighten up someones day :) )

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