I thought I'd start an 'agony uncle' response page - call me 'aunt' and die ;)
So, feel free to post your imaginary problems here and I'll do my best to reply. This is meant to be a bit of harmless fun so no 'real life' stuff please.. make it up, copy and paste it from the News of the Screws or your latest copy of Heat magazine. Pictorial evidence of any 'problems' may also be useful. Keep them clean ;)
Please be patient as all replies will be answered with the utmost of discretion and thought :twisted:
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Dear Uncle bIoke...
Orgasminator
Dear uncle BIoke,
Some want sensible answers to forum posts - what are we to do????
Yours,
Confused from Guildford.
Some want sensible answers to forum posts - what are we to do????
Yours,
Confused from Guildford.
Quote by amatuerman
is this really in London?
Oh <puts hands up> I know this one, I do, I do, I do....
No, it's actually just into Hertfordshire.
It can be accessed via the Tube on the Jubilee line and thereafter a brisk walk (preferably not in heels) across Scratchwood Dogging area. Take water on a hot day, plenty of lube and condoms please and clear up your mess when you're done.
Hope that helps.
Love Uncle bIoke x
Quote by Gufuncouple
Dear uncle BIoke,
Some want sensible answers to forum posts - what are we to do????
Yours,
Confused from Guildford.
Easy, try here:
http://www.swingingheaven.co.uk/members/Big_Fraser/profile/
Failing that, just use the link anyway and ask him for a shag (not for you). Tell him I sent you and that this isn't an experiment.
Love Uncle bIoke x
Sex God
On having my PA for a while I decided to change the usual ring for a small padlock to which is attached a chain which is in turn attached to a rather snug fitting 4" stainless steel ball stretcher locked with the same key as the padlock. - Problem being the key has been mislaid. Problem i have is that now on becoming erect my cock now bends resembling one of those bendy balloons used for making animals at kids parties.
Further to this my balls go really quite blue on this happening, which is rather a nice feeling to be honest, but leaves me feeling quite sick. I really am not keen on visiting A&E as my house-church minister is the charge nurse there. I would go to a locksmith to get the locks picked but and handling of mt appendage it gets excited once again leaving no room to use cutters or the like.
Please do you have any advice to give.....
Further to this my balls go really quite blue on this happening, which is rather a nice feeling to be honest, but leaves me feeling quite sick. I really am not keen on visiting A&E as my house-church minister is the charge nurse there. I would go to a locksmith to get the locks picked but and handling of mt appendage it gets excited once again leaving no room to use cutters or the like.
Please do you have any advice to give.....
Sex God
I cannot wait for your response Lost! 
Sex God
Dearest Uncle Bloke,
I'm currently attempting a world record in cock sucking... however my knees are getting calloused and my jaw seizes up on around the 27th one.
Tell me, oh wise one, how's a gal to do 573 in a row?
Yours jaw-clickingly,
Miss Nola Dreams
I'm currently attempting a world record in cock sucking... however my knees are getting calloused and my jaw seizes up on around the 27th one.
Tell me, oh wise one, how's a gal to do 573 in a row?
Yours jaw-clickingly,
Miss Nola Dreams
Orgasminator
FFS lost!!!!!!
I was trying to eat - I read your post and ive just laughed spaghetti out of my nose and all over the fucking place!!!
and nola start with me - your jaw cant seize if its dislocated hun x
I was trying to eat - I read your post and ive just laughed spaghetti out of my nose and all over the fucking place!!!
and nola start with me - your jaw cant seize if its dislocated hun x
Quote by Lost
On having my PA for a while I decided to change the usual ring for a small padlock to which is attached a chain which is in turn attached to a rather snug fitting 4" stainless steel ball stretcher locked with the same key as the padlock. - Problem being the key has been mislaid. Problem i have is that now on becoming erect my cock now bends resembling one of those bendy balloons used for making animals at kids parties.
Further to this my balls go really quite blue on this happening, which is rather a nice feeling to be honest, but leaves me feeling quite sick. I really am not keen on visiting A&E as my house-church minister is the charge nurse there. I would go to a locksmith to get the locks picked but and handling of mt appendage it gets excited once again leaving no room to use cutters or the like.
Please do you have any advice to give.....
Any good?
Sex God
My apologies to uncle b1oke for butting in, but Lost I may have a solution for you ...
Quote by Mr-Powers
Dearest Uncle Bloke,
I'm currently attempting a world record in cock sucking... however my knees are getting calloused and my jaw seizes up on around the 27th one.
Tell me, oh wise one, how's a gal to do 573 in a row?
Yours jaw-clickingly,
Miss Nola Dreams
Ah, Mr-Powers - well hello Dad-dy! :twisted:
Sex God
Thanking you kindly for your suggestion, Mr-P... however I'd be worried about losing my balance whilst I sucked.
That could be horrific! :scared:
That could be horrific! :scared:
Quote by Mr-Powers
Dearest Uncle Bloke,
I'm currently attempting a world record in cock sucking... however my knees are getting calloused and my jaw seizes up on around the 27th one.
Tell me, oh wise one, how's a gal to do 573 in a row?
Yours jaw-clickingly,
Miss Nola Dreams
Sex God
Quote by Mr-Powers
Shouldn't that be on losty's thread about his balls?
Orgasminator
Quote by bIoke
... how's a gal to do 573 in a row?
Yours jaw-clickingly,
Miss Nola Dreams
Eeeeezzzy, peezzy, lemon squeezzzy.
Invite me.. simples :twisted:
If you are the only 'fluffer' on set, im not being in that movie!!
Orgasminator
Dear Uncle bIoke,
We've been invited for a bbq on sat, should I have the bbq shrimp or the 48oz steak? And do you know should i have the Chardonny or the Merlot as I'd hate to make a spectacle of myself in mixed company...
We've been invited for a bbq on sat, should I have the bbq shrimp or the 48oz steak? And do you know should i have the Chardonny or the Merlot as I'd hate to make a spectacle of myself in mixed company...
Sex God
Drastic measures methinks. Think I'll take a rain check
Next question is...How do you tell a fellow forumite that their avatar looks a lot like two guys looking up each others noses?
Next question is...How do you tell a fellow forumite that their avatar looks a lot like two guys looking up each others noses?
Orgasminator
This one is for my favourite Agony Uncle bIoke:-
:thumbup:
:thumbup:
Quote by Gufuncouple
Dear Uncle bIoke,
We've been invited for a bbq on sat, should I have the bbq shrimp or the 48oz steak? And do you know should i have the Chardonny or the Merlot as I'd hate to make a spectacle of myself in mixed company...
I'm more than of a meat than a shrimp kind of guy to be honest.
Besides, it's commonly know than Shrimp tread water with their mouths open at open sewers anyway.
Your 48oz steak reference takes me back to an evening I spent with a rather well hung welsh sheep farmer once. It brought a whole new meaning to the tag line 'slam in the lamb' :cool: I say an evening, it was at a Dogging spot in South Wales actually.
Anyway, I digress...
Meat and Chardonnay (breaks the rules, I know!) I think would be your best option here Gufuncouple. If you have enough room in your mouth for 48oz meat then I'd like to 'meat' you - good luck and have a lovely BBQ.
Quote by Gufuncouple
This one is for my favourite Agony Uncle bIoke:-
:thumbup:
:bounce:
Lots of love,
Uncle bIoke x
Quote by Lost
Drastic measures methinks. Think I'll take a rain check
Next question is...How do you tell a fellow forumite that their avatar looks a lot like two guys looking up each others noses?
You just did ;0)
It's distraction technique - they only have that look on their faces because of where their hands are :twisted:
Orgasminator
Dear BIoke
It was a bit of a wild one last night:
I have no idea how it happened, I only noticed because my feet got wet as I went for a pee
The A&E dept said they cant help as I shouldnt have a bone in my cock anyway.
Any ideas that dont involve you coming round to fix it?
The chances of you ever trying to make a cock straight are too small.
It was a bit of a wild one last night:
I have no idea how it happened, I only noticed because my feet got wet as I went for a pee
The A&E dept said they cant help as I shouldnt have a bone in my cock anyway.
Any ideas that dont involve you coming round to fix it?
The chances of you ever trying to make a cock straight are too small.
Sex God
Quote by Big_Fraser
The chances of you ever trying to make a cock straight are too small.
Bioke quite likes straight cock :wink:
Sex God
Quote by noladreams
The chances of you ever trying to make a cock straight are too small.
Bioke quite likes straight cock :wink:
Don't we all Nola, don't we all? Straight cocks are very much the way forward. I mean, what you meant to do with a bendy one? Fluff 'em all you like but if they're still not straight five minutes on prolly best to give it up as a bad job?
N x x x ;)
