mmmmm SH Tennis, just the sight of the SH Ladies in short white tennis skirts.....
Anyone for mixed doubles :twisted:
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THE HIJACK THREAD !!
so there i was the other day, thinking I should be so much nicer to the SH girlies, and how I've been a little too harsh on them, when out of no where, misschief springs up and clouts me around the head with one of her bras.....damn I'm sure they were underwired with scaffold pipes :shock:
Sure you've all seen this before, but I saw nothing in the rules that said the hi-jack had to be original! :shock:
1) If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
2) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3) Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.
4) Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****in thing
in the first place, you fat ba***rds.
5) Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
6) Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.
7) Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
8) X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
'erased'.
9) Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
what you want to look at.
10) Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
11) Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
12) Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
13) Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.
14) A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coathanger in an emergency.
15) Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
16) An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
17) Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada
18) Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pissing in the sink.
19) Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
20) Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any
difference.
21) Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
22) Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the
wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
23) Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment
from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and
check that it has gone.
24) Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
25) High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
26) Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and
driving the wrong way up one way streets.
27) Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
28) Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
29) Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem
cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
30) A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from going back to sleep.
1) If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
2) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3) Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.
4) Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****in thing
in the first place, you fat ba***rds.
5) Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
6) Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.
7) Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
8) X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
'erased'.
9) Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
what you want to look at.
10) Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
11) Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
12) Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
13) Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.
14) A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coathanger in an emergency.
15) Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
16) An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
17) Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada
18) Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pissing in the sink.
19) Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
20) Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any
difference.
21) Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
22) Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the
wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
23) Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment
from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and
check that it has gone.
24) Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
25) High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
26) Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and
driving the wrong way up one way streets.
27) Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
28) Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
29) Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem
cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
30) A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from going back to sleep.
Quote by Marya
PMSL!!
where did you find that one Marya!!!!!!
JGL
Viz - the best advice you'll ever get!
I've not read that mag, since i was about 15, i didn't realise it was still arround!
i hope you found it off a web site, and didn't re-write it! you've meant to be DOING otehr stuff! :jagsatwork:
JGL
Quote by WilmaFlintstone
and as I wept I read the headstone...........
Here lies Brumlad
after an unfortunate spate
with a double barrelled shotgun
and a woman in a hormonal state
I did not bring him flowers
I simply left a token
two empty shells from the shotgun
and a message for where he could poke 'em!
Love
Wilma
x x x
i think this sums that up ! :moon: :grin:
brumlad reaches up from his grave and grabs hold of wilma by her ankles, and pulls her into his coffin......has he got a surprise for her :grin: :grin: :rascal:
Quote by WilmaFlintstone
Veni, Vide, Vice it is then
Did someone mention Conkers
:lol: :lol: Love
Wilma
x x x x
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Quote by JGL
PMSL!!
where did you find that one Marya!!!!!!
JGL
Viz - the best advice you'll ever get!
I've not read that mag, since i was about 15,i didn't realise it was still arround!
i hope you found it off a web site, and didn't re-write it! you've meant to be DOING otehr stuff! :jagsatwork:
JGL
A whole year ago?? Bluddy hell, JGL!
Yeah, I know there's plenty for me to be getting on with - bot no one to do it with! :cry:
Quote by Dawn_Mids
Candles, I have some but unsure where to put them
Any ideas:
Dawn :silly:
:gagged: :gagged: :gagged: :gagged:
Oh have you had anything from Ann Summers yet Alex :?:
Dawn :silly:
Nooooooooo - it hasn't arrived yet!
:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
Do you think I'd be on here if it had arrived???
Sex God
I'm wearing the latest in designer perfumes - Eau de nit lotion
Quote by Alexandra
Candles, I have some but unsure where to put them
Any ideas
Dawn :silly:
:gagged: :gagged: :gagged: :gagged:
Oh have you had anything from Ann Summers yet Alex :?:
Dawn :silly:
Nooooooooo - it hasn't arrived yet!
:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
Do you think I'd be on here if it had arrived???
I wonder if I will get my 'purchase' on Saturday at the :gagged: :dunno:
Dawn :silly:
