Bloody Hell Fred, it's dark here isn't it?? Why didn't we bring a torch?? Do you want a hand getting over this gate?
Right there are some animal things moving around in that corner. The plan is, you jump on one and I'll tie its feet up. Dead easy - I've seen that Steve Irwin do it loads of times.
SSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!! Slowly does it. :shock: :shock: :shock:
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*** THE GFZ IS CLOSED FOR REFURBISHMENT ***
What the HELL am I gonna tell old Arti..
Perhaps we could get the WI to knit a wolly jumper for Fly, pass him/her off as Dolly (Fly has been acting a bit wierd lately anyway) get Arty pissed, then when he passes out, stick a lamb chop next to him. Then in the morning "Arti, what have you done????" :shock: :shock: :shock:
Quote by JagsWe could, but then what purpose would you have in life sweetie?
FFS can't you blokes read the flipping rules??
lhk
Kat
Right sarge - shine that torch over here...
Do you reckon this one looks like Dolly? ...
How should I know- the only time I saw her was with a broom stuck up her arse and she was dripping green paint...
No I KNOW she is not green... :shock:
Think man - IF she was green - would she look like Dolly did? :roll:
YES before the manicure! :shock:
OK OK OK if it will help yes you can paint her face green and see if she looks the same....
Here, did Dolly have dangly bits at the back.... :?:
Shine that light over here... :roll:
Yes - with the green face she does look like Dolly - now get her in the car....
Stop flashing that blue light - hold it steady...
What do you mean you don't have a blue light... :shock:
EVENING OFFICER!
Do you reckon this one looks like Dolly? ...
How should I know- the only time I saw her was with a broom stuck up her arse and she was dripping green paint...
No I KNOW she is not green... :shock:
Think man - IF she was green - would she look like Dolly did? :roll:
YES before the manicure! :shock:
OK OK OK if it will help yes you can paint her face green and see if she looks the same....
Here, did Dolly have dangly bits at the back.... :?:
Shine that light over here... :roll:
Yes - with the green face she does look like Dolly - now get her in the car....
Stop flashing that blue light - hold it steady...
What do you mean you don't have a blue light... :shock:
EVENING OFFICER!
FFS Where's Mr FC when you want him??? How are we going to get out of this one??
Well officer it's like this. My friend and I were driving past this field when we noticed this sheep runing round with a piece of rope caught round its foot. Being the good caring citizens that we are we decided to catch it and erm ........... release the rope, didn't we Eric? See Fred I remembered not to use your real name!!!!!
Well officer it's like this. My friend and I were driving past this field when we noticed this sheep runing round with a piece of rope caught round its foot. Being the good caring citizens that we are we decided to catch it and erm ........... release the rope, didn't we Eric? See Fred I remembered not to use your real name!!!!!
Sorry Mate! 
It was I!
Still paying for last night. Warm beer and cold pizza today did not help!
Funny enough - wearing handcuffs has given me this strange sense of Déjà vu !! :roll:
His green tash was funny though - especially when you said "you have paint here and here" and wiped your fingers under his eyes.....
Ah well - at least we get a warm bed for the night - wonder what the breakfast is like?
Do you know if we can order papers and an early call for the morning coz I would hate to miss a cooked breakfast. Also - wonder what time we get cocoa tonight and what channels we have got on telly?
Isn't this exciting? Yawn - ready for my bed now
"Can you turn your light on orrifice and get us to the station a bit quicker, I need some sleep?"
It was I!
Still paying for last night. Warm beer and cold pizza today did not help!
Funny enough - wearing handcuffs has given me this strange sense of Déjà vu !! :roll:
His green tash was funny though - especially when you said "you have paint here and here" and wiped your fingers under his eyes.....
Ah well - at least we get a warm bed for the night - wonder what the breakfast is like?
Do you know if we can order papers and an early call for the morning coz I would hate to miss a cooked breakfast. Also - wonder what time we get cocoa tonight and what channels we have got on telly?
Isn't this exciting? Yawn - ready for my bed now
"Can you turn your light on orrifice and get us to the station a bit quicker, I need some sleep?"
Sex God
What??? You can't all be going to bed yet surely! The GFZ is still a bit of a mess. Made it back to Berkshire in one piece, poured myself a glass of something Italian and now I am scratching my head over this f**king plumbing. I haven't a clue what I am doing!
I thought I had connected all the pipes but when I turned the sink taps on nothing happened but a strange knocking and all the pipes started shaking. Fair gave me the jitters.
We seem to have got the wiring for the Hi-Fi connected to the copper piping. Twiddling the shower control changes the tuning on the radio! I have got it set to Radio4 at the moment. Could be handy listening to the radio in the shower, the trouble is there isn't any water.
Oh and by the way, when you flush the toilet it seems to empty itself into the jacuzzi. I don't quite know how that happened!
ops: God knows who put me in charge of plumbing - I know less than nothing about it. I would have been alright with the TV (sorry Judy) or, better still, the painting.
Oh well, if there is no-one else here then I might pop and look at the other threads before turning in for the night and dreaming of the catering staff at the exhibition who ALL seemed to be from the Far East. Very pleasant it was too! It reminded me of Sappho's t-shirt. Mind you, everything reminds me of Sappho's t-shirt - and its contents :twisted: (shifts in his seat to try and make himself more comfortable. Fails!)
All I can say is.............
Dip me in soy sauce and feed me to Orientals!! :twisted: :twisted:
I thought I had connected all the pipes but when I turned the sink taps on nothing happened but a strange knocking and all the pipes started shaking. Fair gave me the jitters.
We seem to have got the wiring for the Hi-Fi connected to the copper piping. Twiddling the shower control changes the tuning on the radio! I have got it set to Radio4 at the moment. Could be handy listening to the radio in the shower, the trouble is there isn't any water.
Oh and by the way, when you flush the toilet it seems to empty itself into the jacuzzi. I don't quite know how that happened!
ops: God knows who put me in charge of plumbing - I know less than nothing about it. I would have been alright with the TV (sorry Judy) or, better still, the painting.Oh well, if there is no-one else here then I might pop and look at the other threads before turning in for the night and dreaming of the catering staff at the exhibition who ALL seemed to be from the Far East. Very pleasant it was too! It reminded me of Sappho's t-shirt. Mind you, everything reminds me of Sappho's t-shirt - and its contents :twisted: (shifts in his seat to try and make himself more comfortable. Fails!)
All I can say is.............
Dip me in soy sauce and feed me to Orientals!! :twisted: :twisted:
Fred!!!
Brunch! Bacon, eggs, tomatoes, sausage, potato cakes, mushrooms, toast... did I forget anything? Well, you have to keep your strength up.
Would you like Spring Roll with that dear?
Sappho xxx
Brunch! Bacon, eggs, tomatoes, sausage, potato cakes, mushrooms, toast... did I forget anything? Well, you have to keep your strength up.
Quote by willxx69
All I can say is.............
Dip me in soy sauce and feed me to Orientals!! :twisted: :twisted:
Would you like Spring Roll with that dear?
Sappho xxx
Good Morning Sappho!
mmmmm that smell is delicious!
What on earth is this though - it is Monday lunchtime and the GFZ is still open!
I realise that Mr Flintstone removed the lock (forcibly) during the weekend, but now it seems that it has not been replaced. Rather dangerous as the new home cinema system is now installed and I am certain the boys will not have considered insurance.
I have brought a couple of friends along to meet Fly - Have you seen Arti this morning?
Mrs Peel
mmmmm that smell is delicious!
What on earth is this though - it is Monday lunchtime and the GFZ is still open!
I realise that Mr Flintstone removed the lock (forcibly) during the weekend, but now it seems that it has not been replaced. Rather dangerous as the new home cinema system is now installed and I am certain the boys will not have considered insurance.
I have brought a couple of friends along to meet Fly - Have you seen Arti this morning?
Mrs Peel
Sex God
Quote by Sappho
All I can say is.............
Dip me in soy sauce and feed me to Orientals!! :twisted: :twisted:
Would you like Spring Roll with that dear?
Sappho xxxOh Friggity-Frig(c) willxx69 2004
Busted!
Ahem, I mean, morning my love. As you can see I am working hard.
I still can't get the hang of this plumbing lark. The shower is now picking up the BBC World Service, the taps on the sink still make lots of noise but they DO have liquid coming out of them now. I am not sure I would call it water though :shock: It is a very strange muddy brown colour and it smells VERY odd. :eeek: I wouldn't want to clean my teeth in it. Hell, I wouldn't even clean Fred's teeth in it.
Which reminds me, I think the teeth in this jar here are Fred's. I had to use them as a scraper to get some of the crustier stuff off the sink (after all it isn't new) but I am sure he won't mind. Bung another couple of Steradents in and he'll never know. :twisted: He'll just think that funny taste in his mouth is from a heavier night than normal. That and snogging Dolly because he was so pleased he'd found her and wouldn't have to explain her loss to artificer. Oh well, I suppose snogging a sheep makes a change from sucking toes!
By the way, the jacuzzi needs cleaning again - sorry about that
. I was only trying to test the toilet. 
I have had an idea for the bidet.
Seeing as none of the guys are likely to use it for its originally intended purpose we could connect the taps to the bar downstairs. The cold tap (being blue) could dispense chilled Bombay Sapphire and tonic and the hot tap (being red, of course) could give properly chambred Merlot. :cheers: It's a nice idea, but you probably want someone else to actually make it work. God alone knows what you would get if I plumbed it in ops: . Seeing as lager tastes shite anyway you chaps can use the taps from the sink 
:lol:Now then Sappho, any chance I could have my strawberry back? :twisted:
What a night! there I am having a kip kip in one of the cells and trhe next thing I hear two familiar voices, no it can't be !!! sneeks a peek around cell door :shock: OMG
Well I could only do one thing when asked, No skipper, never seen them before obviously trying to fit me up!!! had to maintain my cover..
Right I'm famished who mentioned brunch?
Well I could only do one thing when asked, No skipper, never seen them before obviously trying to fit me up!!! had to maintain my cover..
Right I'm famished who mentioned brunch?
Sex God
Will turns up at the cop shop with a roll of £50 notes and a case of Stella.
Now then Officers, I am here to bail out two of your overnight guests. I think this should do it (hands over the cash) I hope they haven't caused you any trouble - can we go and get them now?
:shock: Dear God!!!:shock: What the hell have you two been up to? Play it cool you two and we'll soon be out of here. Let me do the talking. I don't think you're to be trusted. Besides, No-one's going to understand a word Fred says until he gets his teeth back in and I am not giving them back until we get outside.
They're not really bad lads you know Sergeant, just a little high-spirited. Besides, they had had a trying weekend. Their wives gave them a very hard time over some large scale DIY we had on. Ahhhh, a married man yourself are you Sergeant? Then I am sure you understand how it is. No Sarge the nice police sergeant doesn't want to know that you are a sergeant too. Fred mate, you're not smelling too good. There is a distinct whiff of lanolin about you. Oh, of course! Dolly!! We nearly forgot her. Which reminds me Fred, you have green paint all round your mouth. OMG, it's all over your tongue too!! :shock: Hmmmm? You didn't did you? Bloody hell! :eeek: Sappho has brunch on the go we'll soon have you back to normal. There's a bacon and fried egg butty each in the van just to keep you going until we get home.
Yes, I know I don't normally drive a van. I have borrowed it. I thought we would need it for Dolly but frankly I think you two had better go in the back too. Otherwise, the first patrol car we come across will have us straight back here before we can say Ovine Oral Opportunities.
Thanks for looking after them so well sergeant. Here's something for you and the lads by way of a thank you (hands over the case of Stella). Fred!!!! Let go of the beer and let the nice sergeant take it. We have plenty more where that came from.
Once outside.........
Don't say I don't do anything for you. Flipping heck, you look terrible, we had best get you back for a shower and a shave - but not to the GFZ I think. The shower has a radio but no water (I'll explain on the way back) and you wouldn't want to shave in what comes out of the sink taps. Which reminds me Fred, here are your teeth. What's that? They taste a bit funny? This from the man with green paint, wool, and lanolin round his mouth! :roll: They're fine, honestly - you have just had a rough night.
Now. I need to explain about the plumbing. It's going to take some sorting out I am afraid. It's not really my thing you see.
Right then, hold tight and off we go!
Baaaaaaaaa! Oh for goodness' sake Fred, put her down!
. That is NOT what I meant by hold tight!
Now then Officers, I am here to bail out two of your overnight guests. I think this should do it (hands over the cash) I hope they haven't caused you any trouble - can we go and get them now?
:shock: Dear God!!!:shock: What the hell have you two been up to? Play it cool you two and we'll soon be out of here. Let me do the talking. I don't think you're to be trusted. Besides, No-one's going to understand a word Fred says until he gets his teeth back in and I am not giving them back until we get outside.
They're not really bad lads you know Sergeant, just a little high-spirited. Besides, they had had a trying weekend. Their wives gave them a very hard time over some large scale DIY we had on. Ahhhh, a married man yourself are you Sergeant? Then I am sure you understand how it is. No Sarge the nice police sergeant doesn't want to know that you are a sergeant too. Fred mate, you're not smelling too good. There is a distinct whiff of lanolin about you. Oh, of course! Dolly!! We nearly forgot her. Which reminds me Fred, you have green paint all round your mouth. OMG, it's all over your tongue too!! :shock: Hmmmm? You didn't did you? Bloody hell! :eeek: Sappho has brunch on the go we'll soon have you back to normal. There's a bacon and fried egg butty each in the van just to keep you going until we get home.
Yes, I know I don't normally drive a van. I have borrowed it. I thought we would need it for Dolly but frankly I think you two had better go in the back too. Otherwise, the first patrol car we come across will have us straight back here before we can say Ovine Oral Opportunities.
Thanks for looking after them so well sergeant. Here's something for you and the lads by way of a thank you (hands over the case of Stella). Fred!!!! Let go of the beer and let the nice sergeant take it. We have plenty more where that came from.
Once outside.........
Don't say I don't do anything for you. Flipping heck, you look terrible, we had best get you back for a shower and a shave - but not to the GFZ I think. The shower has a radio but no water (I'll explain on the way back) and you wouldn't want to shave in what comes out of the sink taps. Which reminds me Fred, here are your teeth. What's that? They taste a bit funny? This from the man with green paint, wool, and lanolin round his mouth! :roll: They're fine, honestly - you have just had a rough night.
Now. I need to explain about the plumbing. It's going to take some sorting out I am afraid. It's not really my thing you see.
Right then, hold tight and off we go!
Baaaaaaaaa! Oh for goodness' sake Fred, put her down!
. That is NOT what I meant by hold tight! My goodness - took us hours to talk ourselves out of that one and even that was a close squeek. It was fortunate that I caught sight of one of the Magistrates as she came in and asked her very quietly if she was "big'nfluffy365" from the party in the BFZ! :shock:
BINGO! :twisted:
She blushed completely - as soon as the session began in court she asked to adjourn for procedural reasons - they came back in and said that the paperwork was wrong and the case was dismissed!
Have to say though - the copper with the green tash was really pissed off - especially as it had still not washed off and he looked like a cross between Adolf Hitler and a American Football Player! :twisted: :twisted:
Thanks MrFC for all the support - NOT - the only saving grace was that he slipped us some bars of choccie in the night and allowed us to keep the doors open so Sarge did not get frightened of the dark. :wink:
Bloody thing is - we did not get the sheep - Dolly turns up anyway - work has stopped and everyone else seemed to have a great fry up this morning except us!
:x
The ONLY good thing is that Wilma thinks I slept in the BFZ last night and so has no idea about our brush with the "Old Bill".
One other bonus - "big'nfluffy365" slipped me a piece of paper with her phone number on as we left the court and said if we fancied kinky Sarge to give her a call. :?
BINGO! :twisted:
She blushed completely - as soon as the session began in court she asked to adjourn for procedural reasons - they came back in and said that the paperwork was wrong and the case was dismissed!
Have to say though - the copper with the green tash was really pissed off - especially as it had still not washed off and he looked like a cross between Adolf Hitler and a American Football Player! :twisted: :twisted:
Thanks MrFC for all the support - NOT - the only saving grace was that he slipped us some bars of choccie in the night and allowed us to keep the doors open so Sarge did not get frightened of the dark.
:wink: Bloody thing is - we did not get the sheep - Dolly turns up anyway - work has stopped and everyone else seemed to have a great fry up this morning except us!
:x The ONLY good thing is that Wilma thinks I slept in the BFZ last night and so has no idea about our brush with the "Old Bill".
One other bonus - "big'nfluffy365" slipped me a piece of paper with her phone number on as we left the court and said if we fancied kinky Sarge to give her a call.
:? Quote by willxx69
Will! - The reason he was jumping up and down was because we were just on our way out of the door because we had already been in front of "The Beak" and got off!
But no - you would not let him get a word in edgeways and so handed over the beer!
That was what he was getting so excited over!
SARGE! For god sakes man take your hands from round his throat - he is driving.....
NO! I dont care - he is turning BLUE.....
Are you trying to kill us all??????????
FFS!
Will - just drive man!
Fred
Sex God
There's gratitude for you! I turn up to prise them out of clink and they seem to think they didn't need me at all.
The sheep rustling charge had been dismissed but there was still the indecent exposure charge they were about to be remanded for, not to mention with Dolly.
Never mind. Some of us are destined never to have our efforts recognised. *sigh*
Ummmm. There's still the plumbing to sort out guys
Will
The sheep rustling charge had been dismissed but there was still the indecent exposure charge they were about to be remanded for, not to mention with Dolly.
Never mind. Some of us are destined never to have our efforts recognised. *sigh*
Ummmm. There's still the plumbing to sort out guys
Will
Sex God
ops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:Shall I make a cup of tea? I think I can manage that!
I got a bit confused. There seemed to be so many pipes that I wasn't sure what connected to what! Oh, and I think I had the drawings upside down.
Errrm Fred? I say Fred.
Errrrrrrrrr, you haven't seen the jacuzzi yet *gulp*. Sorry Fred. :oops: :oops:
Ah - Miss Orange Peel - yes you can help!
First of all come and hold this piece of pipe for me and pass me the blow torch....
NO! Unlit will be fine!
Right now if we just swap this pipe with this...... :roll:
Oh - and Will - you connect the earth wire to the pipes not the aerial - hopefully that will stop Sarges fillings whistling when he is in the shower.... :shock:
And finally - the jacuzzi - hopefully Will will have..... :shock: :shock:
OMG - what the hell is this? :x
WILL!
Get some rubber gloves and a bottle of Ajax and get in here man - WHAT the HELL is that? :?
On second thoughts - don't tell me!
Fred
First of all come and hold this piece of pipe for me and pass me the blow torch....
NO! Unlit will be fine!
Right now if we just swap this pipe with this...... :roll:
Oh - and Will - you connect the earth wire to the pipes not the aerial - hopefully that will stop Sarges fillings whistling when he is in the shower.... :shock:
And finally - the jacuzzi - hopefully Will will have..... :shock: :shock:
OMG - what the hell is this?
:x WILL!
Get some rubber gloves and a bottle of Ajax and get in here man - WHAT the HELL is that?
:? On second thoughts - don't tell me!
Fred
Er emma., don't use whats in that kettle!!! I had to use it over the weekend as the plumbing had not been sorted mind you if you boil it I suppose you can pass the flavour of as some new oriental tea 
Fred, Sarge sorry about earlierops: had to maintain my cover no good to anyone if I'm outed
I'm having enough problems with the lads down the nick, I think they noticed the way sarge kept winking and giving me the nod!
mind you if you boil it I suppose you can pass the flavour of as some new oriental tea Fred, Sarge sorry about earlier
ops: had to maintain my cover no good to anyone if I'm outed I'm having enough problems with the lads down the nick, I think they noticed the way sarge kept winking and giving me the nod!
Now Mr Flintstone (my apologies by referring tou you by your first name earlier) although I am more than willing to help - I would like to point out I am quite experienced in this area. I had to help Mr Steed rewire and replumb the mews flat only last year. Tha Uma Thurman kept butting in but we soon got shut of her.
OK, that blowtorch is set incorrectly - you should have a blue flame. And you have got the copper fittings without the solder in them. Here is a roll of solder and a tin of flux - you'll need that. Oh - a bit of wire wool to clean the end first. I thought you boys KNEW about these kind of things!!!
Will - why are the taps connected to the outlet from the toilet? I have to admit you did well in getting a 4.5" pipe connected to a 15mm one - how many pipe reducers did you have to use?
I'm off to the plumber's merchants to buy some more fittings and some of that acid cleaner stuff to get the brown stains from the sink!
Mrs Peel!
OK, that blowtorch is set incorrectly - you should have a blue flame. And you have got the copper fittings without the solder in them. Here is a roll of solder and a tin of flux - you'll need that. Oh - a bit of wire wool to clean the end first. I thought you boys KNEW about these kind of things!!!
Will - why are the taps connected to the outlet from the toilet? I have to admit you did well in getting a 4.5" pipe connected to a 15mm one - how many pipe reducers did you have to use?
I'm off to the plumber's merchants to buy some more fittings and some of that acid cleaner stuff to get the brown stains from the sink!
Mrs Peel!
That was bloody easy!
Got rid of her and we could get down to some real work................ :twisted:
Will went and got the bag of plumbing bits we hid under the stairs and inside 15 minutes it was all working!
Sarge finished varnishing the bar......
MrFC hung the door on the stairs cupboard and the bedroom doors....
Will finally finished scrubbing out the Jacuzzi and the bathroom fittings and grouted the tiles.... Still cannot work out what he did in the shower - it works fine but you can definitely hear Radio4 when you are in there - most disconcerting when a dear old lady from "The Archers" starts talking - you automatically try and cover up! - wierd!
The ceilings finally got finished and that was the lot!
Few spots of spattered burger and paint on the furniture where it got caught in the crossfire last night - but it adds character....... :shock:
All the barglasses and that lot can be added next friday when we open it up and everything is dry............
Finally - the best bit......
Fitting the security system and alarm system.... :twisted:
To all the guys - you have been sent a swipecard for the door and by seperate post a pin number. Don't worry if you lose it, we can deactivate it remotely to stop the girlies getting in. If they do happen to intercept it in the post it is not a problem as none of the cards are activated until you ring me personally to confirm you have the card!
To all the girlies - if you want to come in - press the white button with Doorbell written underneath it!
The alarm was a requirement of the Insurance as we had the "Dogs Bollocks" TV set - funnily enough the guy from the insurance company said he had only seen one other like it before but that had been stolen last week.......... Carpy????????? :?: :?: :?:
Never mind - sorry it was all a bit late - remember to set the alarm when you leave - same as your pin code - (shows us who unlocked it and who set it - clever eh?)
I will lock it up for now and hand control back to Kat...........
Thanks for all your hard work guys - we got there in the end....
Me and sarge are off for a beer or ten and to settle a score with a certain sheep from last night! :roll: :roll:
*swish, beep, beep, beep, beep, BEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
Got rid of her and we could get down to some real work................ :twisted:
Will went and got the bag of plumbing bits we hid under the stairs and inside 15 minutes it was all working!
Sarge finished varnishing the bar......
MrFC hung the door on the stairs cupboard and the bedroom doors....
Will finally finished scrubbing out the Jacuzzi and the bathroom fittings and grouted the tiles.... Still cannot work out what he did in the shower - it works fine but you can definitely hear Radio4 when you are in there - most disconcerting when a dear old lady from "The Archers" starts talking - you automatically try and cover up! - wierd!
The ceilings finally got finished and that was the lot!
Few spots of spattered burger and paint on the furniture where it got caught in the crossfire last night - but it adds character....... :shock:
All the barglasses and that lot can be added next friday when we open it up and everything is dry............
Finally - the best bit......
Fitting the security system and alarm system.... :twisted:
To all the guys - you have been sent a swipecard for the door and by seperate post a pin number. Don't worry if you lose it, we can deactivate it remotely to stop the girlies getting in. If they do happen to intercept it in the post it is not a problem as none of the cards are activated until you ring me personally to confirm you have the card!
To all the girlies - if you want to come in - press the white button with Doorbell written underneath it!
The alarm was a requirement of the Insurance as we had the "Dogs Bollocks" TV set - funnily enough the guy from the insurance company said he had only seen one other like it before but that had been stolen last week.......... Carpy????????? :?: :?: :?:
Never mind - sorry it was all a bit late - remember to set the alarm when you leave - same as your pin code - (shows us who unlocked it and who set it - clever eh?)
I will lock it up for now and hand control back to Kat...........
Thanks for all your hard work guys - we got there in the end....
Me and sarge are off for a beer or ten and to settle a score with a certain sheep from last night! :roll: :roll:
*swish, beep, beep, beep, beep, BEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
