Advice on possible Terrorist Attacks !!!

26 Jul 2004

As you will be aware, the government is sending out leaflets to every home giving tips on how to deal with a terrorist incident.
As Swinging Heaven's Head of Security I feel it is my responsibility to give some tips on how we can best prepare for such an incident.
Essential Supplies
Each member of the site should prepare a box which should only contain those items that are absolutely necessary.
Laptop - For emergency contact with SH.
Beer
Condoms - Flavoured are optional
Rabbit !!
Batteries
Beer
Digital Camera - Just in case there is a Best Air Raid Shelter Pictures Competition later!!
KY Jel
Beer
Disposable Razor - We don't want those hairy bits becoming too hairy
Spare Batteries
Beer
Shelter
Each member must build a strong sturdy shelter in which to evacuate to should the unthinkable happen (and by that I don't mean Jags saying "thanks for posting that cock pic in your Avatar")
There are two types of shelter recommended - Exterior and Interior:
Exterior:
Tie a piece of string between the washing line post and the fence, approximately three feet high. Place a blanket or sheet (depending on the time of year) over the string then pull out the corners to form a tent-like structure. Secure the corners with half bricks.
Place a duvet on the floor, inside the shelter to make it snuggly-buggly. This will protect you from any known terrorist threat or possible nuclear explosion.
Interior
Place a blanket over the kitchen table so that it drapes on the floor on each side. If this isn't possible, cut a few inches off each of the table legs until the desired drapage is achieved. Place a tin of beans on each of the four sides to hold the blanket down then nominate one of the sides to be the door. Remove the tin of beans from this side.
Place a duvet on the floor, inside the shelter to make it snuggly-buggly. This will protect you from any known terrorist threat or possible nuclear explosion.
For added protection, stick unused bin bags on to the windows!!!
Swinging Heaven Protection Plan
In the event of the site being the target of a terrorist strike we will need somewhere for the Moderators, under the guidance of Mark, to hold Strategy Meetings. It has been decided that the GFZ would be taken over as the SHHQ.
Mr FC and Ice Pie have been nominated to prepare the GFZ for such an eventuality. They must put sand bags on each window sill and make some nice criss-crosses on the windows with masking tape. I have no idea why they do that but a: It looks good, and b: They do it on all the War films!!
Venus and Lou have been nominated to ensure that the GFZ bar is constantly stocked with double the usual amount of alcohol throughout this period of uncertainty. :cheers:
I realise it must be a comfort knowing that whilst you are in your shelters, the Moderators will be hard at it in the GFZ on your behalf. :shock: :shock: :shock: wink

Please watch out for further updates on this subject and feel free to add your own suggestions.
Sergeant Earnest Bilko
Head of Security

26 Jul 2004

You should be promoted to General Bilko for taking such initiative.......
I know your only concerned for the health and well being of us all.......this community shall be safe in your hands!
xanaisx

27 Jul 2004

Should we not all huddle together, in a very small room, too?
Just for comfort, ya know.

27 Jul 2004

4 minutes to do all that lot? rotflmao

27 Jul 2004

Quote by Ice Pie
4 minutes to do all that lot?

No no, 4 mins is for when we get nuked.
Terrorist attack has no warning, but goes on for months. Like the *dat dat darrr* Spanish Inquizition.

27 Jul 2004

Bloody hell, there's someone else awake.
Mornin' vix biggrin

27 Jul 2004

Mornin' dear.
I gotta get up for w*rk in 3.5 hours. Why the hell am I awake?
(could be excitement...picking up brand new car at 3pm)

27 Jul 2004

I know why they put criss-cross tape on the windows!
But i'm not saying. :grin:
Mornin' all!

27 Jul 2004

Quote by Vix
Mornin' dear.
I gotta get up for w*rk in 3.5 hours. Why the hell am I awake?
(could be excitement...picking up brand new car at 3pm)

I want a new car. Armoured. With little-bastard-proof tyres. Know what I mean? That's three times in as many months. The tyre fitter thinks I'm Father Christmas. mad

27 Jul 2004

Quote by Ice Pie
4 minutes to do all that lot?

Maybe they should try this:

27 Jul 2004

Sgt Bilko, we have a problem !!!!! please help !!!!!!
We dont have a kitchen table !!!! we have a breakfast bar, what can we do !?!?!? Are we doomed? :giveup:

27 Jul 2004

Sarge i would hereby like to offer our services to the good cause.
I would like to offer Steves services as official photographer,i think anything that happens will need to be documented(so that we can all perv when were all safe again lol

)
I would like to offer my services to create uniforms for each and every person,i think special SH uniforms will be in order so that we can be easily identifiable :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
Thanks so very much for the helpful information at least i now know what to do in the event,ill have blankets and a duvet ready,and unused binbags at the window,genius :idea:
Clare,xxx
wink

27 Jul 2004

Sgt Bilko .....
You are a star ... I'm in tears of hysteria here and it certainly isn't panic.
That's one of the funniest .... erm I mean .... erm ....... most seriousest piece of advice I've read ....
Thank you for taking the time to issue such protective guidelines to us all ...
A man worthy of promotion if ever there was one.
Calista

27 Jul 2004

Quote by clarensteve
I would like to offer my services to create uniforms for each and every person,i think special SH uniforms will be in order so that we can be easily
Clare,xxx

I think they ought to be fastened with velcro in case clothes have to be removed quickly in an emergency boink

27 Jul 2004

Just a couple of points I would like to make. You will need some lead acid accumulators to run the lap top , and a generator set with some stockpiled fuel to recharge them. We must also prepare for a breakdown in the telecom infrastructure so any normal SH memeber should buy a short wave radio equiped with a packetise transport layer to avoid Armageddon interfering with Arm a gedding it on .
Spending the duration in Cyber space is a great idea, if you had planned ahead and had 4 seperate enquiries into carefully selected little bits with very tight terms of reference so you could "PROVE" that no one was to blame for anything at all when the dust has settled and it's safe to come out and start claiming your expenses again all set up in advance and ready to go , then never mind promotion to the general staff, I think a cabinet place would have beckoned
I also know why they tape the windows , and will tell although it's not a pleasant thought. It is to stop flying glass in the event of a bomb blast , and so avoid injuries .

27 Jul 2004

Good plan sarge
But what happens when the batteries run out?
I am currently working on a sustainable power supply using the theory of wave power on a smaller scale
I have two goldfish in a bowl creating waves and some minature ducks bobbing up and down attached to a generator
this is producing just enough power to light a wheat bulb but the cost is excellent due to the cheapness of goldfish food
I have come to the conclusion that I need to get Easy to breed me some 100feet long goldfish in order to prepare for the inevitable terrorist attack
Naturally I will neen to source a 400foot blanket to cover the requisite 400foot goldfishbowl.
But I am convinced this is the future :idea:

27 Jul 2004

If all else fails...
Put your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye.

27 Jul 2004

And after we have taken these precautions, it will be our DUTY to repopulate the world! May I suggest plenty of practice first?
Venusxxx

27 Jul 2004

I can`t reach my arse to kiss it.............I`ll need help.
Venusxxx

27 Jul 2004

Sarge (or should that be General :shock: ), I can see you're not taking the Government's concern about the possibility of terrorist strikes too seriously..... I mean, spending all this tax payers money on such advice in the first place, you would think that there may be something in it :shock: :shock: :shock: - or am I being too paranoid...... :shock: :shock: :shock:
But, your work making sure that us moderators will be safe and sound in the GFZ has put all my fears aside, and it's great that SH will be in a very strong position to over-throw any terrorist invasion and come out on top.......
Rabbits at the ready folks, let's get the bastards...... :sparring: duel

:hunk:

27 Jul 2004

Quote by clarensteve
I would like to offer my services to create uniforms for each and every person,i think special SH uniforms will be in order so that we can be easily identifiable :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
Clare,xxx

Don't tell me. Let me guess. The blokes uniform will consist of large rubber boots, waterproof trousers with braces and a large waterproof coat with "FIRE SERVICE" on the back and all topped off with a yellow helmet confused

: :?:

:P

Quote by warwick
I have come to the conclusion that I need to get Easy to breed me some 100feet long goldfish in order to prepare for the inevitable terrorist attack........

So they can take over the country while it's at it's lowest. :eeek: :eeek: :eeek: :eeek: :eeek:
NOT BLOODY LIKELY.

27 Jul 2004

Keep up the good suggestions â€“ Remember your Forum needs you!!

Quote by Vix
Should we not all huddle together, in a very small room, too?
Just for comfort, ya know.

Excellent idea Vix. We will start â€œGroup Hugging Practiseâ€ every Wednesday night. In order that I can assess these hugs I will place myself in the centre of the hug, surrounded by the ladies that entered the Best Boobs Competition, with everyone else surrounding them!!!

27 Jul 2004

Quote by VenusnMars
I can`t reach my arse to kiss it.............I`ll need help.
Venusxxx

Just a suggestion but I think davej maybe the guy to approach for tips in the techniques used for such a feat...... (see his avatar for those who don't know )
If that fails well I am quite happy to fulfill the role Venus.(actually I would be ecstatic but you can't seem overeager)
Yeah I know it's a bum job but someones got to do it. wink

27 Jul 2004

*giggle* It would be a `bum` job. My arse is not my strong point! lol

Venusxxx

27 Jul 2004

Quote by Waterpistol
4 minutes to do all that lot?

Maybe they should try this:

Back in my seafaring days we had to sit through all the Protect & Survive films. Hilarious tips on how to stay alive when an intercontinental ballistic missile the size of a bus and armed with a MIRV shower of nuclear warheads vaporises all the silly people who DIDN'T whitewash their houses.
I was particularly reassured by the astonishingly useful information that "a large-scale nuclear attack on this country would seriously disrupt the banking system." Thank God I know that - now I won't bother risking radiation poisoning on my way to the cash machine. :rotflmao:
Ice

27 Jul 2004

Quote by VenusnMars
*giggle* It would be a `bum` job. My arse is not my strong point!
Venusxxx

I think I've seen both your strong points!! :shock: wink

:lol: :lol: :lol:

27 Jul 2004

:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
i am doomed!
first of all my table is glass,this means i wont be able shelter under it... as i have no glass polish!
secondly.. the goverment leaflet says that after the "fall out" you may go outside for essential jobs... but this should be done by people aged over 30 confused

.. there is no one over 30 in my house!!!!!!!!!!!!
i will need to come to the SHHQ with all the mods i think in order to be safe.. will u be able to bring the tank for my luggage sarge?

27 Jul 2004

Quote by well_busty_babe
:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
i am doomed!
first of all my table is glass,this means i wont be able shelter under it... as i have no glass polish!

Obviously glass tables must be polished (I can't believe you have no glass polish WBB!! Whatever next??) but this will obviously cause the blanket/ sheet to slip off. I think we may need some technical help from the Forum Boffins to sort this one out.

Quote by well_busty_babe
.. there is no one over 30 in my house!!!!!!!!!!!!
i will need to come to the SHHQ with all the mods i think in order to be safe.. will u be able to bring the tank for my luggage sarge?

I am sure we can find a position for you in the GFZ WBB :shock: :shock: wink

:wink:
Transport is on it's way for your luggage ................

27 Jul 2004

Quote by clarensteve
I would like to offer my services to create uniforms for each and every person,i think special SH uniforms will be in order so that we can be easily identifiable :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
Clare,xxx

The only problem is that shed have everyone dressed as firemen,theyre the kind of uniform she likes!!!
Steve,xxx

27 Jul 2004

ooppss!! no dinning table..........dont know what the reccomendations are for this so until some one can send me an Ikea catalogue to order a new table, we are feeling a bit exposed. The following temporary arrangements are in place and we hope, are suitable.
Davej has managed to scale things down by useing the coffee table as a shelter for any falling debris and I have used tea towls as blast curtains although they dont really match with the rest of the furniture and mrs davej is a stickler for colour co-ordination, so it looks like I might have to get some new ones that compliment the curtains.
There is only room for one under the coffe table, so mrs davej has converted the ironing board into a shelter in much the same way, although she has managed to sew the blast curtains (they are bath towls really) to the edge of the board. The distinct advantage with the ironing board is that it can be collapsed and put out of sight easily and its erection time is no more than 30 seconds, so I would urge you all to consider this as an alternative.
We have cleard out the cupboard under the kitchen sink for the youngest daughter and whils its a bit of a snug fit aroung the sink waste she should be safe.
We havn't found a secure shelter for the eldest daughter but seing as she hasn't bothered to re-new her car insurance which has annoyed me slightly and can sort herself out.