Always do sober what you said you'd do will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
Tee Mans
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontallobotomy.
Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Deep Thoughts, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Humphrey Bogart
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
Kaiser Wilhelm
Not all chemicals are chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Dave Barry
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin
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Beer Quotes
Sex God
:lol: :lol: You missed one...
Work is the curse of the drinking classes (or something to that effect)
1 STAR HANGOVER RATING
No pain, no real feeling of illness, you sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones with you. You are still able to function relatively well, due to all the energy stored from the vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara Desert. Even vegetarians are craving cheeseburger and fries.
2 STAR HANGOVER RATING
No pain, but something is definitely not right. You may look ok but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full cooked breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 STAR HANGOVER RATING
Slight headache, stomach feels crap. You are definetly a space cadet and you are not productive. Anytime a woman or man walks past, you gag because their perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at Life would be better now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke, watching Trisha. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 sausage rolls and a litre of coke.
4 STAR HANGOVER RATING
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing, and you can't speak too quickly, else you'll spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for reeking of booze. You are wearing nice clothes, but still smell of socks. You can't hide the fact that (depending on gender) you missed a crucial spot when shaving, or look like you applied your make up whilst riding the dodgems. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a 2nd grade class circa 1976. You would give a week's salary for one of the following: home time, a donut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could revisit last night and not go out. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 STAR HANGOVER RATING
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is annoying the person sitting next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of your pores and making you feel dizzy. You still have toothpaste crusts in the corner of your mouth from when you cleaned your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry, but it would use up the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your colleagues think your pet must have died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick, because all you can manage to do is breathe.... very gently.
6 STAR HANGOVER RATING
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep, because all the noises in your head keep on waking you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and find that your room is a yacht under full sail. You feel your way around the skirting boards and the walls, knocking off all the pictures along the way. You finally reach the toilet. If you're lucky, you'll remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and evacuate the contents of your stomach. You wake the whole house making walrus mating sounds. You sit on the floor, cuddling the only friend you have left in the world (the toilet) whilst randomly continuing to make the walrus mating sounds, spitting and farting. Help may arrive at this time, but it is usually short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help has turned in to abuse, and he/she has gone back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous erruptions have died back to 15 minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn, and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. S/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to hospital. Work is simply not a option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again, and who knows, you might actually manage to succeed for a couple of hours at least.
So, hands up who's had a 6 star rating?
No pain, no real feeling of illness, you sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones with you. You are still able to function relatively well, due to all the energy stored from the vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara Desert. Even vegetarians are craving cheeseburger and fries.
2 STAR HANGOVER RATING
No pain, but something is definitely not right. You may look ok but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full cooked breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 STAR HANGOVER RATING
Slight headache, stomach feels crap. You are definetly a space cadet and you are not productive. Anytime a woman or man walks past, you gag because their perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at Life would be better now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke, watching Trisha. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 sausage rolls and a litre of coke.
4 STAR HANGOVER RATING
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing, and you can't speak too quickly, else you'll spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for reeking of booze. You are wearing nice clothes, but still smell of socks. You can't hide the fact that (depending on gender) you missed a crucial spot when shaving, or look like you applied your make up whilst riding the dodgems. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a 2nd grade class circa 1976. You would give a week's salary for one of the following: home time, a donut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could revisit last night and not go out. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 STAR HANGOVER RATING
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is annoying the person sitting next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of your pores and making you feel dizzy. You still have toothpaste crusts in the corner of your mouth from when you cleaned your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry, but it would use up the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your colleagues think your pet must have died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick, because all you can manage to do is breathe.... very gently.
6 STAR HANGOVER RATING
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep, because all the noises in your head keep on waking you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and find that your room is a yacht under full sail. You feel your way around the skirting boards and the walls, knocking off all the pictures along the way. You finally reach the toilet. If you're lucky, you'll remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and evacuate the contents of your stomach. You wake the whole house making walrus mating sounds. You sit on the floor, cuddling the only friend you have left in the world (the toilet) whilst randomly continuing to make the walrus mating sounds, spitting and farting. Help may arrive at this time, but it is usually short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help has turned in to abuse, and he/she has gone back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous erruptions have died back to 15 minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn, and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. S/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to hospital. Work is simply not a option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again, and who knows, you might actually manage to succeed for a couple of hours at least.
So, hands up who's had a 6 star rating?
Quote by BlueEyes
So, hands up who's had a 6 star rating?
:wave: :wave: :wave: When I was a young Private Bilko my ratio was:
50% 1 star 20% 2star 15% 3 star 10% 4 star 4% 5 Star 1% 6 star
When I was a not so young Corporal Bilko my ratio was:
15% 1 star 20% 2star 20% 3 star 20% 4 star 15% 5 Star 10% 6 star
Now I'm a "mature" Sgt Bilko my ratio is:
0% 1 star 2% 2star 3% 3 star 5% 4 star 40% 5 Star 50% 6 star
There's not a lot I'll drink to but I'll drink to that !!! :shock: :shock: :lol: :lol:
:cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
Quote by FredFlintstone
Hands up all the f**king half wits who sat and checked all the sarges maths just in case he had made a mistake and was disappointed when you realised he was sober when he wrote it? :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh:
I KNEW it would be scrutinised so I double and treble checked it first. :smug: :smug:
Now I need a drink :cheers:
