Its been a totaly shit day but the worst bit was not being able to reach someone who need help.
Its obvious that on her own her own shesgoing to fall. Dhe has all the signs of depression but cant see it. Its frustrating watching her, wanting to help and her refusing. Anyone any suggestions?
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Depression
Sex God
I think the worst thing is not being able to help when she clearly needs it but won't accept it. I suppose it depends on the relationship you have with her. My best friend was in exactly that place a couple of years ago, but all I could do was be there when she asked for my help, and visit her as often as I could in the meantime.
Hope it gets sorted
xxx
Hope it gets sorted
xxx
Hi Foxylady,
I have suffered from severe depression and I am just coming out of the other side of 4 very long and dark years. I would say the people that helped me the most - bearing in mind everyone is different - are the people who were just there, physically I mean, they were the ones who just let me be, whether it was crying , talking or just being quiet. I know probably sounds like a shit answer but I am answering from what helped me.
Try not to be too obvious and make it appear that you arent doing it for her sake but for yours. Whenever I am having really depressed I cant do anything for myself but I will make the effort for others.
Hope this helps some, my thoughts are with you hun
Big hugs and kisses
Olive
I have suffered from severe depression and I am just coming out of the other side of 4 very long and dark years. I would say the people that helped me the most - bearing in mind everyone is different - are the people who were just there, physically I mean, they were the ones who just let me be, whether it was crying , talking or just being quiet. I know probably sounds like a shit answer but I am answering from what helped me.
Try not to be too obvious and make it appear that you arent doing it for her sake but for yours. Whenever I am having really depressed I cant do anything for myself but I will make the effort for others.
Hope this helps some, my thoughts are with you hun
Big hugs and kisses
Olive
Orgasminator
In the past, I've been in the situation your friend is in and I have a little bit of advice:
No matter how far she pushes you away, please don't leave her stranded. I know it can be very hard to deal with but believe me it is worth it.
If she doesn't want to talk about things, don't force the issue. Let her come to terms with things herself but be there for her. Talk about normal things instead of what might be bothering her.
It might feel to you as if you're not helping her but the chances are, you probably are helping by being there for her. You probably can't physically help her but being there for her is just as effective sometimes.
Last but not least - Foxy, you sound like a very good friend indeed. Good on you for not running away from your friend when things get tough. A big hug to you for sticking with it. :therethere:
x
No matter how far she pushes you away, please don't leave her stranded. I know it can be very hard to deal with but believe me it is worth it.
If she doesn't want to talk about things, don't force the issue. Let her come to terms with things herself but be there for her. Talk about normal things instead of what might be bothering her.
It might feel to you as if you're not helping her but the chances are, you probably are helping by being there for her. You probably can't physically help her but being there for her is just as effective sometimes.
Last but not least - Foxy, you sound like a very good friend indeed. Good on you for not running away from your friend when things get tough. A big hug to you for sticking with it. :therethere:
x
It really does depend on your reationship with her, and just how aware she is. Many people can slide down that slippery slope without realising themselves what is happening. Perhaps a `subtle` chat about a friend, with references to some of the symptoms may help to open her eyes? Even an online test `just for fun`.
Maybe just a quiet word that you are worried that her stress is making her ill.
But above all to whatever approach yo want to take, to let her know that depression can happen to anyone, and is just a valid as a broken leg. Remind her it takes strength to seek help. Depression is not a sign of weakness.
It`s that last fallacy which prevents so many people from seeking help.
I hope you can help, but remember, you can only do so much. At the end of the day, it is up to the person to finally seek the help they need.
But as Only said, as long as you are there.....
All the best,
Venusxxx
Maybe just a quiet word that you are worried that her stress is making her ill.
But above all to whatever approach yo want to take, to let her know that depression can happen to anyone, and is just a valid as a broken leg. Remind her it takes strength to seek help. Depression is not a sign of weakness.
It`s that last fallacy which prevents so many people from seeking help.
I hope you can help, but remember, you can only do so much. At the end of the day, it is up to the person to finally seek the help they need.
But as Only said, as long as you are there.....
All the best,
Venusxxx
Sex God
Quote by onlyme1981
No matter how far she pushes you away, please don't leave her stranded. I know it can be very hard to deal with but believe me it is worth it.
x
God how right you are, been battling post natal depression for nearly 6 years on and off, and finally coming off the medication as we speak, thanks to the support of my gorgeous hubby and some friends, namely one JJPC, who both have taken the brunt of my frustration.
My world wouldnt be the same without them and my kids.
JUST BE THERE FOR HER, AND DONT OFFER HER HELP, JUST DO IT, TAKE OVER, SHE WONT ASK FOR ANY HELP, I NEVER WOULD!!
ps. I think depression should be renamed Confusion, because thats a more accurate description.
Keep a close eye on yr friend, as you already seem to be doing :rose: Without you there supporting her things could be very different.
Love from a nearly sane Fem! :shock:
Master of Sex
hi foxylady 123,from my own experence and from what you have explained on here she wants your help,love and friendship but has probably past the point where she will feel foolish and like shes waisting your time.
ive been seriously depressed over the years and i still do when i have to leave satin or dee(my other fem name) and join society as a "man".
at one point as much as i wanted help from friends and family i felt they almost expected me to be depressed so i literaly ended up pushing all but one person away.
i wanted there help so bad but was afraid to ask,none of my family would speak to me,i lost my best friend and it was all my fault.
from then on it was a down ward spiral,i wanted help then i didnt .
so please dont give up on your friend and i know its hard and frustrating for you,but she needs you and appretiates you more than you think.
im sorry if ive gone on a bit im new to posting and not good on comp
i just hope i could help.
ive been seriously depressed over the years and i still do when i have to leave satin or dee(my other fem name) and join society as a "man".
at one point as much as i wanted help from friends and family i felt they almost expected me to be depressed so i literaly ended up pushing all but one person away.
i wanted there help so bad but was afraid to ask,none of my family would speak to me,i lost my best friend and it was all my fault.
from then on it was a down ward spiral,i wanted help then i didnt .
so please dont give up on your friend and i know its hard and frustrating for you,but she needs you and appretiates you more than you think.
im sorry if ive gone on a bit im new to posting and not good on comp
i just hope i could help.
Sex God
Hope things are a lot better for you now Satin :rose:
Quote by foxylady 123
Thanks everyone. I know it has to be when shes ready to help herself. Just annoyed today because she cancelled a hospital appointment. Said she didnt want to be put on anti depressents. then in the next breath told me she had been trying to get hold of some sleeping tablets.
This would worry me a bit ....... I hated it when I had to go to the docs for anti-d's if someone who knew me had been there for me - gone to the docs with me, waited outside and then distrcted me afterwards then I would have felt a lot better. I id have Morbius around but he was too close IYSWIM .. I needed almost someone to hold my hand but not necessarily be affected directly.
Sex God
i don't envy you the situation at all!
depression and me are old friends. we go way back together! i've been on both sides of your particular coin.
i know at times i've deliberately pushed away the very people who would help me, and i'm poorer for it. i also know when i've tried to bring the subject up in a tactful way, trying to help, cos of things i see in friends that i recognise, that they are maybe in extreme denial about right now.
well i haven't often been rewarded at the time i made the offer, but sometimes they have come to me at some point down the line! they might well bite your head off, but that you care enough to worry about them, and want to help, will at some point sink in! all you can do in the meantime is be there for them.
neil x x x ;-)
depression and me are old friends. we go way back together! i've been on both sides of your particular coin.
i know at times i've deliberately pushed away the very people who would help me, and i'm poorer for it. i also know when i've tried to bring the subject up in a tactful way, trying to help, cos of things i see in friends that i recognise, that they are maybe in extreme denial about right now.
well i haven't often been rewarded at the time i made the offer, but sometimes they have come to me at some point down the line! they might well bite your head off, but that you care enough to worry about them, and want to help, will at some point sink in! all you can do in the meantime is be there for them.
neil x x x ;-)
Sorry for my original, brief response to this thread.
I did actually start by writing about my own history of depression but was kind of worried what everyone would think (I know, I know...)
Now I've seen everyone else 'come out', so to speak, I am too.
(Deep breath)
I've suffered depression most of my life. My last counsellor was a fantastic woman who actually managed to reach me - something none of the other 6 ever did. She was the first person who acknowledged my condition for what it was and I was able to say the words out loud "I have depression".
That might seem a bit odd. I I had depression but I couldn't tell anyone. Partly I suppose 'cos of the stigma surrounding any form of mental illness and partly 'cos I didn't think anyone would believe me. My family were the type that don't 'believe' in depression - pull yourself together, get on with it, etc. My friends just thought I was moody and I'd learnt that if I told anyone I felt a bit down or low, they would just dismiss it and say everyone gets like that now and again. Inside I was screaming "But this is different! I can't cope! It's all the time and I don't want to live anymore! Somebody please help me!" but I just never got the words out.
There was also some guilt involved. Maybe because of the way I'd been brought up, but I thought I shouldn't be allowed to feel like this - there are far worse-off people in the world and I should just put up and shut up. My marvellous counsellor told me that no matter what your problems are, they are yours and if they're important to you then they are just as important as anyone else's problems.
In my late teens/early 20's I went on self-destruct. I won't go into detail 'cos it's just too horrible for me to think about right now, but as a result I lost almost everything - home, job, friends, family and the tiny bit of self-respect I had in me.
I think the insecurity and low self-esteem I had generated from the depression - although maybe it could be the other way round?
7 years ago, I met someone and moved away from my home-town. I wasn't in contact with my family at the time and only kept in touch with one friend. It was a fresh start for me.I was starting to feel a bit better when my daughter came along. Then with her, came post-natal depression. I was terrified. I couldn't cope with her or the huge responsibilty that came with being a parent to a tiny baby, but if anyone knew this they might take her off me!
It was more than 3 years before the Health Visitor twigged that something wasn't quite right and referred me to the doctor for anti-depressants. I'd had them before (3 different types) and this time was no different - after 6 months I didn't feel any better so came off them. They seem to work for other people but not for me.
What did make the difference was a life-style change. I did an Adult Ed course mostly based on confidence-building, finally took the plunge to split up with my daughter's dad (after more than 3 years of pure misery), dumped so-called 'friends' who'd done nothing but abuse my friendship and take every opportunity to put me down and started making plans for a future I never thought I'd see.
I feel 100% better. On top of the world most days. I still have 'off' days but I can handle them. I don't feel so desperate like I did all those years.
A happy ending? Not quite. My new found confidence has gone into over-drive. I've been told I can be very defensive, stroppy, argumentative and lots of other negatives. I tend not to get close to people, not let them in - yet, I'm very open and honest at the same time. I suppose the amateur psychologist in me would interpret this as being my way of protecting the person I've finally learnt to love - ME!
I can't decide now whether I feel better for getting all that out in the open or increasingly worried that you'll all think I'm some kind of nutter - even when I know that is exactly the attitude that prevents people from seeking help.
Back to you, foxylady - my advice is to continue being the good friend you obviously are. Just be there.
I did actually start by writing about my own history of depression but was kind of worried what everyone would think (I know, I know...)
Now I've seen everyone else 'come out', so to speak, I am too.
(Deep breath)
I've suffered depression most of my life. My last counsellor was a fantastic woman who actually managed to reach me - something none of the other 6 ever did. She was the first person who acknowledged my condition for what it was and I was able to say the words out loud "I have depression".
That might seem a bit odd. I I had depression but I couldn't tell anyone. Partly I suppose 'cos of the stigma surrounding any form of mental illness and partly 'cos I didn't think anyone would believe me. My family were the type that don't 'believe' in depression - pull yourself together, get on with it, etc. My friends just thought I was moody and I'd learnt that if I told anyone I felt a bit down or low, they would just dismiss it and say everyone gets like that now and again. Inside I was screaming "But this is different! I can't cope! It's all the time and I don't want to live anymore! Somebody please help me!" but I just never got the words out.
There was also some guilt involved. Maybe because of the way I'd been brought up, but I thought I shouldn't be allowed to feel like this - there are far worse-off people in the world and I should just put up and shut up. My marvellous counsellor told me that no matter what your problems are, they are yours and if they're important to you then they are just as important as anyone else's problems.
In my late teens/early 20's I went on self-destruct. I won't go into detail 'cos it's just too horrible for me to think about right now, but as a result I lost almost everything - home, job, friends, family and the tiny bit of self-respect I had in me.
I think the insecurity and low self-esteem I had generated from the depression - although maybe it could be the other way round?
7 years ago, I met someone and moved away from my home-town. I wasn't in contact with my family at the time and only kept in touch with one friend. It was a fresh start for me.I was starting to feel a bit better when my daughter came along. Then with her, came post-natal depression. I was terrified. I couldn't cope with her or the huge responsibilty that came with being a parent to a tiny baby, but if anyone knew this they might take her off me!
It was more than 3 years before the Health Visitor twigged that something wasn't quite right and referred me to the doctor for anti-depressants. I'd had them before (3 different types) and this time was no different - after 6 months I didn't feel any better so came off them. They seem to work for other people but not for me.
What did make the difference was a life-style change. I did an Adult Ed course mostly based on confidence-building, finally took the plunge to split up with my daughter's dad (after more than 3 years of pure misery), dumped so-called 'friends' who'd done nothing but abuse my friendship and take every opportunity to put me down and started making plans for a future I never thought I'd see.
I feel 100% better. On top of the world most days. I still have 'off' days but I can handle them. I don't feel so desperate like I did all those years.
A happy ending? Not quite. My new found confidence has gone into over-drive. I've been told I can be very defensive, stroppy, argumentative and lots of other negatives. I tend not to get close to people, not let them in - yet, I'm very open and honest at the same time. I suppose the amateur psychologist in me would interpret this as being my way of protecting the person I've finally learnt to love - ME!
I can't decide now whether I feel better for getting all that out in the open or increasingly worried that you'll all think I'm some kind of nutter - even when I know that is exactly the attitude that prevents people from seeking help.
Back to you, foxylady - my advice is to continue being the good friend you obviously are. Just be there.
Sex God
It is one of the hardest things to admit to anyone that you have depression. You feel that nobody else understands, they just think you are feeling a bit down which makes you feel even worse. After being off work for months and having to explain to your colleagues the reason you were off is difficult too, again they don't understand. You are made to feel that you are putting it on. If only they knew how you really felt it would be so much easier to cope with. How can you explain to someone else what is wrong with you when you don't even know yourself. Eventually i asked for help from the doctor but it was one of the hardest things i have had to do in my life. Keeping appointments with the doc was difficult, dragging myself along to the surgery was a nightmare. If your doc is on hols etc then having to ask a new doc for anti depressants is awful and you get the questions about how long you've been on them and is it time for you to be coming off them?
My advice would be to just be there for her whenever she needs you and try and read betwwen the lines, what she is saying might not be actually what she means. I found it so much easier to confide in a friend when i wasn't actually sitting face to face, watching her searching my face. We used to go for long drives and chat for hours, her doing the driving of course as i couldn't see a bloody thing for the tears. It helped me so much.
I know i have rabbited on a bit but i hope some of it helps.
Gill
My advice would be to just be there for her whenever she needs you and try and read betwwen the lines, what she is saying might not be actually what she means. I found it so much easier to confide in a friend when i wasn't actually sitting face to face, watching her searching my face. We used to go for long drives and chat for hours, her doing the driving of course as i couldn't see a bloody thing for the tears. It helped me so much.
I know i have rabbited on a bit but i hope some of it helps.
Gill
Warming the Bed
I've been on both sides of this too, for my part my depression wasn't severe, and a change in circumstances managed to ease it. However I have a very close friend who is going through it now, and it is sooo hard. Hard for her, because she has finally realised what is wrong (and not for the first time in her life) and is getting treatment, and hard for all of her friends and family.
Being there for them when they need it, giving them space when they need it, and talking to them. Letting them talk about anything and everything. It helps.
Being there for them when they need it, giving them space when they need it, and talking to them. Letting them talk about anything and everything. It helps.
Sex God
i'm struggling to find an adequate response to some posts on here, cos they've completely blown me away!
depression is soooo stigmatised. well, it ain't a real disease is it, cos it's all in your head!
the self-destruct button is a big one, and it's quite an easy one to find, and it has lot's of other little buttons next to it that sometimes other people push for you. the cures can be worse than the disease. prozac can be evil at times but better than no prozac. the failed suicide bid is dismissed as "a cry for help". but that cry was someone who actually just tried to kill themselves, and maybe bottled out at the death, cos funnily enough they are scared of dying! sometimes they take an altogether slower route to their suicide, cos they're more scared of living at times. get a sick note saying depression your boss will think you're taking the piss. hide yourself away cos you struggle to face yourself at times, let alone face the big wide world, and you'll just be called lazy. you find yourself raging at people you love cos at some point the anger you suppress, directed at yourself, needs to come out, and the rows you have because of it affect your relationships, and make you more depressed. it's a hungry beast but that's cos it's well fed. you get comments like "pull yourself together" and "it's all in your mind!" what a constructive argument that one is eh, cos actually, well my mind is where i live! and if the council had come to inspect my mind at times in the past, i'd have been evicted for over-crowding. too many different people in there altogether at times, all fighting to get out. i've selected one of 'em at random and it generally seems to work ok. but i still hear echos of the other people i've been in my life, but i just avoid there company whenever possible these days. depression and me are more associates than bosom buddies these days, and i'm happy to keep it that way, but i know he'd love to reacquaint himself with me a bit more.
neil
depression is soooo stigmatised. well, it ain't a real disease is it, cos it's all in your head!
the self-destruct button is a big one, and it's quite an easy one to find, and it has lot's of other little buttons next to it that sometimes other people push for you. the cures can be worse than the disease. prozac can be evil at times but better than no prozac. the failed suicide bid is dismissed as "a cry for help". but that cry was someone who actually just tried to kill themselves, and maybe bottled out at the death, cos funnily enough they are scared of dying! sometimes they take an altogether slower route to their suicide, cos they're more scared of living at times. get a sick note saying depression your boss will think you're taking the piss. hide yourself away cos you struggle to face yourself at times, let alone face the big wide world, and you'll just be called lazy. you find yourself raging at people you love cos at some point the anger you suppress, directed at yourself, needs to come out, and the rows you have because of it affect your relationships, and make you more depressed. it's a hungry beast but that's cos it's well fed. you get comments like "pull yourself together" and "it's all in your mind!" what a constructive argument that one is eh, cos actually, well my mind is where i live! and if the council had come to inspect my mind at times in the past, i'd have been evicted for over-crowding. too many different people in there altogether at times, all fighting to get out. i've selected one of 'em at random and it generally seems to work ok. but i still hear echos of the other people i've been in my life, but i just avoid there company whenever possible these days. depression and me are more associates than bosom buddies these days, and i'm happy to keep it that way, but i know he'd love to reacquaint himself with me a bit more.
neil
Oh God, this is absolutely ruining my mascara! You people of the Forum - in one thread making me very nearly laugh my boobs off and another, I'm sobbing my heart out.
I can't believe how many of you echo the very thoughts I heard every day in my own tiny mind - the hell in which I lived. Neilinleeds - excellent post, and dundeecpl/Gill - with you all the way.
I haven't worked for the last 7 years. When I moved up here to be with the ex, I was on Long Term Incapacity benefit for depression and anxiety. This kicked off 'cos my boss was basically sick of me being off work - on and off - and suggested I take a holiday, and handed me my p45. I couldn't tell him what why I was sick off work but I waited for his reaction when I gave him the doctor's note - and he ignored it!
My self-destruct phase ended in a hospital stay - peace at last! Then followed panic attacks and subsequently, agoraphobia. So then, I was not only trapped in my own head but in my 4 walls too.
Regarding suicide, I didn't want to die - I just didn't want to live. It was all so hard, so much effort. Every time I woke up to a new day I'd think "oh shit, am I still here?"
I really needed to respond to this. Huge apologies to Foxylady for the hi-jack - maybe it can help you to help your friend if you have more knowledge or what people go through?
I can't believe how many of you echo the very thoughts I heard every day in my own tiny mind - the hell in which I lived. Neilinleeds - excellent post, and dundeecpl/Gill - with you all the way.
I haven't worked for the last 7 years. When I moved up here to be with the ex, I was on Long Term Incapacity benefit for depression and anxiety. This kicked off 'cos my boss was basically sick of me being off work - on and off - and suggested I take a holiday, and handed me my p45. I couldn't tell him what why I was sick off work but I waited for his reaction when I gave him the doctor's note - and he ignored it!
My self-destruct phase ended in a hospital stay - peace at last! Then followed panic attacks and subsequently, agoraphobia. So then, I was not only trapped in my own head but in my 4 walls too.
Regarding suicide, I didn't want to die - I just didn't want to live. It was all so hard, so much effort. Every time I woke up to a new day I'd think "oh shit, am I still here?"
I really needed to respond to this. Huge apologies to Foxylady for the hi-jack - maybe it can help you to help your friend if you have more knowledge or what people go through?
Well done Marya for being so honest. I can relate to some parts of your tale, my self destruct buton activated 4 years ago and i ended up with a hospital stay. I can honestly say though that the people who chat in the room make such a huge difference, I too still have really bad days but knowing that there is someone in the chat room who will talk to me makes a big difference and also takes the pressure off my hubby.
Big Big hugs to everyone who has been so open in this thread, it isnt ever easy because as Marya said there is still a huge stigma attached to mental illness and depression.
Olive
Big Big hugs to everyone who has been so open in this thread, it isnt ever easy because as Marya said there is still a huge stigma attached to mental illness and depression.
Olive
You cannot do more than be there for the person in question, and often it takes a great deal of patience and more than a little self control. The lady wife has suffered and has been in therapy now for over two years, aided with a little chemical. But at least she's there, the hardest thing was getting her to admit she needed help. She wanted pills for this and tests for that and would not accept the problem was in her head.
Now she understands the causes it's easier for her and for me, but we're by no means out of the woods yet. The most difficult thing is trying to persuade her to alter the lifestyle choices that did not cause the problem, but which have developed over the years to compensate for the problem, and consequently have laid a path down which she could easily return unless changes are made. This is the next hurdle.
The reason patience is so needed is that (at least in our case), is that she now has a clinical confirmation of her situation, and this is in itself a crutch, so "It's OK for you, you don't have this problem". Well actually I do, because my life is pretty much hell a lot of the time as a result, but this is the bit you have to bottle, and cap, and sit on, cause no matter how much you want to erupt it just won't help.
In my wifes case it started with her upbringing and what to begin with was a barely noticeable character trait became, as the years passed, something of a monster controlling her actions.
Now she understands the causes it's easier for her and for me, but we're by no means out of the woods yet. The most difficult thing is trying to persuade her to alter the lifestyle choices that did not cause the problem, but which have developed over the years to compensate for the problem, and consequently have laid a path down which she could easily return unless changes are made. This is the next hurdle.
The reason patience is so needed is that (at least in our case), is that she now has a clinical confirmation of her situation, and this is in itself a crutch, so "It's OK for you, you don't have this problem". Well actually I do, because my life is pretty much hell a lot of the time as a result, but this is the bit you have to bottle, and cap, and sit on, cause no matter how much you want to erupt it just won't help.
In my wifes case it started with her upbringing and what to begin with was a barely noticeable character trait became, as the years passed, something of a monster controlling her actions.
