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Don't know the answer so a hug is all I can offer.
Sex God
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How do you stop loving...
How do you stop loving the one you love??
I know time is the only real healer on this, but what have others done.
Wife came over with kids as its sons birthday so we went out for a meal at sons request. I have a very strong character but ended up quite emotional because of a conversation we were having, and i know that she will always be my only love.
yes i know i will meet someone else and love them, but cant see how i could ever stop loving her.
shit this is hard.
I know time is the only real healer on this, but what have others done.
Wife came over with kids as its sons birthday so we went out for a meal at sons request. I have a very strong character but ended up quite emotional because of a conversation we were having, and i know that she will always be my only love.
yes i know i will meet someone else and love them, but cant see how i could ever stop loving her.
shit this is hard.
why do you have to stop loving her, i still love my ex husband but wont ever be a couple with him again.
after you have spent years with someone and they have been your life, its only natural that you will keep loving them, the pain will ease and it will turn into a different kind of love depending on the person that will be different.
i love my ex, but i am not in love with him anymore, that went ages ago but i will always care about him.
you dont have to stop loving her just turn it into a different kind of love that you can handle
hope this makes some sense.
Earthy xx
after you have spent years with someone and they have been your life, its only natural that you will keep loving them, the pain will ease and it will turn into a different kind of love depending on the person that will be different.
i love my ex, but i am not in love with him anymore, that went ages ago but i will always care about him.
you dont have to stop loving her just turn it into a different kind of love that you can handle
hope this makes some sense.
Earthy xx
Quote by earthchild
why do you have to stop loving her, i still love my ex husband but wont ever be a couple with him again.
after you have spent years with someone and they have been your life, its only natural that you will keep loving them, the pain will ease and it will turn into a different kind of love depending on the person that will be different.
i love my ex, but i am not in love with him anymore, that went ages ago but i will always care about him.
you dont have to stop loving her just turn it into a different kind of love that you can handle
hope this makes some sense.
Earthy xx
it makes sense but im still IN love with her. grrr i wish i wasnt because too much has been said and done on both sides but
:banghead: :banghead: there is no easy answer, everyone deals with it in different ways having children you still have to have contact. it was easier in a way for me cos we just stopped having contact once everything was sorted out.
you will work through it and come out the other side, but it wont be easy and it will take time.
Earty xx
you will work through it and come out the other side, but it wont be easy and it will take time.
Earty xx
Orgasminator
I feel for you, I really do. I've been in the same situation so I know nothing anyone says will make it better.
I will say tho, I am happy. I've been in a new relationship for 2 years so it will happen. I have been happy for a few years now. I still wonder sometimes if splitting up was the right thing for both of us and how he's doing (we keep in touch and he says he's doing well, but you never know)
Time is a great healer......
For now, dont think about the future because I know you cant. Take it one day at a time. One day you'll wake up and it will hurt a little less.....
*Her*
I will say tho, I am happy. I've been in a new relationship for 2 years so it will happen. I have been happy for a few years now. I still wonder sometimes if splitting up was the right thing for both of us and how he's doing (we keep in touch and he says he's doing well, but you never know)
Time is a great healer......
For now, dont think about the future because I know you cant. Take it one day at a time. One day you'll wake up and it will hurt a little less.....
*Her*
Quote by varca
why do you have to stop loving her, i still love my ex husband but wont ever be a couple with him again.
after you have spent years with someone and they have been your life, its only natural that you will keep loving them, the pain will ease and it will turn into a different kind of love depending on the person that will be different.
i love my ex, but i am not in love with him anymore, that went ages ago but i will always care about him.
you dont have to stop loving her just turn it into a different kind of love that you can handle
hope this makes some sense.
Earthy xx
it makes sense but im still IN love with her. grrr i wish i wasnt because too much has been said and done on both sides but
:banghead: :banghead:It's taken me 6 months to get to where I am now, where I can go for days without even thinking about him. I never thought that that would happen as I was convinced I was still in love with him even though I wanted the split. The problem was in that I was still seeing him occasionally as we had decided to stay friends and he would come over and cut my lawn, pick up shopping for me etc. Plus we would call and text too. This made it harder for me to let go of those feelings. Just before Christmas I took the decision to break contact. As hard as it was, it was the best thing to do and now as I said, I can go days without thinking about him. When I do think about him now it's with a fondness and yes I miss him but that retching pain is no longer there.
You don't say how old your son is and so it may not be as easy for you to break total contact. Whatever his age try and explain to him that it's not easy for you to be spending time "as a family" as it just rubs salt into the wound. Hopefully he will understand.
Whatever you decide to do, and no matter how bad you feel right now, it will get easier
i have 2 kids 1 of each and are at an age where once or twice a week contact is what we all want especially the kids as all they want is the family. i will not be an absent dad. so i cant have a clean break, and does not help when i get mixed signals. She does not do it deliberatley i think, its just that she cares but im a male so find this difficult to interpret.
Actually, a dirty and drawn out divorce can do a lot to cure your love problem.
I offered my ex the house and all contents, all I wanted to keep was my pension. She turned it down and resorted to blackmail and abusive texts and various threats, wanting 55% of my pension as well.
I used to dream about her for the first six months, but 18 months later and a few grand in solicitors fees, I don't anymore.
You really get to find out who the person is when money is involved.
I offered my ex the house and all contents, all I wanted to keep was my pension. She turned it down and resorted to blackmail and abusive texts and various threats, wanting 55% of my pension as well.
I used to dream about her for the first six months, but 18 months later and a few grand in solicitors fees, I don't anymore.
You really get to find out who the person is when money is involved.
Perhaps you're asking the wrong question. Instead of asking how to stop loving, ask how to stop yourself from placing attachments to the way you feel. I am recently out of a relationship and when I first spoke to her it was difficult because I attached to the way I felt feelings of happiness, completeness, contentment. That meant that without her, I would be unhappy, incomplete and discontented.
I no longer make that mistake. Whether I am happy or not depends wholly on me and the way I feel about the things life throws at me. Now, when I feel as if my heart is filling up with warm water just at the sight of my ex I honestly relish it. It's a great feeling – love – and when it is free from what we want it to do for us it does us good.
How to get to the point where you no longer attach such things to love would probably be a good second question.
Richard
I no longer make that mistake. Whether I am happy or not depends wholly on me and the way I feel about the things life throws at me. Now, when I feel as if my heart is filling up with warm water just at the sight of my ex I honestly relish it. It's a great feeling – love – and when it is free from what we want it to do for us it does us good.
How to get to the point where you no longer attach such things to love would probably be a good second question.
Richard
My heart goes out to you.. when my first marriage broke up I was devastated. I genuinely thought we would get back together and I tried everything in the book to get him to love me again. He didn't of course. It's difficult where kids are concerned because you still see your ex regularly, it's painful.
I have to say and it's very cliche, time is a great healer. I vowed never to marry again blah blah but I did and I have to say (no disrespect to my first hubby) but this was the man I had really been waiting for all my life, again cliche but he's my soul mate, best pal, lover, my world.
I thank my ex husband for leaving me.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, I hope this has helped? xx
I have to say and it's very cliche, time is a great healer. I vowed never to marry again blah blah but I did and I have to say (no disrespect to my first hubby) but this was the man I had really been waiting for all my life, again cliche but he's my soul mate, best pal, lover, my world.
I thank my ex husband for leaving me.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, I hope this has helped? xx
Quote by varca
Not easy is it this love thingThat's why I am steering well clear of it from now on!
I have difficulty understanding the "steering clear of love" thing because of the fear of getting hurt. I know it's a personal thing, but I would sooner give it another shot and take the chances than spend life alone.
Sex God
Hiya Ukwineman 
Not sure if this will help, but like you, my split was relatively recent too.
The coping mechanism that works for me right now is to throw myself into everything I do 110% be that work wise or fun time, no half measures just keep on keeping busy.
I see me ex at least once a week, sometimes twice because of the contact with the boy. He wont go to her coz he hates the new b/f's guts.
At first it was really awful, the pain was indescribable every time she walked out of the door again was as bad as the first time, then something in me changed. As time has gone by i have found myself starting to enjoy my new found independence, i am the master of my own destiny now, and socially i am having the time of my life :rascal:
don’t get me wrong, despite of everything i still love her to pieces, and yes i still miss her, and there are a lot of turbulent feelings involved, but the pain has slowly changed from the raw, physical burning agony that was there in the beginning, to something far more manageable, more like something you feel when you remember a lost relative, a kind of mourning i guess
and then it happened, she came round yesterday to spend time with nipper and we had the most fantastic time, couple of glasses of wine, playing card games with the lad, nipping up to the shops and generally having a laugh, but you know what? That nagging ache knowing she would be leaving again in the evening was gone.
I guess i have just learned to let go, accept that we both have new lives to live and that we truly can be just good friends who see each other occasionally.
I am also very aware of the fact that i have managed to build such a massive wall around the parts in me that were vulnerable to the pain and the suffering it would take a cruise missile to reach them now.
Not sure if the above is of any help, but it seems to have worked for me :dunno:
hth
Not sure if this will help, but like you, my split was relatively recent too.
The coping mechanism that works for me right now is to throw myself into everything I do 110% be that work wise or fun time, no half measures just keep on keeping busy.
I see me ex at least once a week, sometimes twice because of the contact with the boy. He wont go to her coz he hates the new b/f's guts.
At first it was really awful, the pain was indescribable every time she walked out of the door again was as bad as the first time, then something in me changed. As time has gone by i have found myself starting to enjoy my new found independence, i am the master of my own destiny now, and socially i am having the time of my life :rascal:
don’t get me wrong, despite of everything i still love her to pieces, and yes i still miss her, and there are a lot of turbulent feelings involved, but the pain has slowly changed from the raw, physical burning agony that was there in the beginning, to something far more manageable, more like something you feel when you remember a lost relative, a kind of mourning i guess
and then it happened, she came round yesterday to spend time with nipper and we had the most fantastic time, couple of glasses of wine, playing card games with the lad, nipping up to the shops and generally having a laugh, but you know what? That nagging ache knowing she would be leaving again in the evening was gone.
I guess i have just learned to let go, accept that we both have new lives to live and that we truly can be just good friends who see each other occasionally.
I am also very aware of the fact that i have managed to build such a massive wall around the parts in me that were vulnerable to the pain and the suffering it would take a cruise missile to reach them now.
Not sure if the above is of any help, but it seems to have worked for me :dunno:
hth
Quote by Screwtape
Perhaps you're asking the wrong question. Instead of asking how to stop loving, ask how to stop yourself from placing attachments to the way you feel. I am recently out of a relationship and when I first spoke to her it was difficult because I attached to the way I felt feelings of happiness, completeness, contentment. That meant that without her, I would be unhappy, incomplete and discontented.
I no longer make that mistake. Whether I am happy or not depends wholly on me and the way I feel about the things life throws at me. Now, when I feel as if my heart is filling up with warm water just at the sight of my ex I honestly relish it. It's a great feeling – love – and when it is free from what we want it to do for us it does us good.
How to get to the point where you no longer attach such things to love would probably be a good second question.
Richard
:thumbup:
Quote by Pete_sw
Hiya Ukwineman
Not sure if this will help, but like you, my split was relatively recent too.
The coping mechanism that works for me right now is to throw myself into everything I do 110% be that work wise or fun time, no half measures just keep on keeping busy.
I see me ex at least once a week, sometimes twice because of the contact with the boy. He wont go to her coz he hates the new b/f's guts.
At first it was really awful, the pain was indescribable every time she walked out of the door again was as bad as the first time, then something in me changed. As time has gone by i have found myself starting to enjoy my new found independence, i am the master of my own destiny now, and socially i am having the time of my life :rascal:
don’t get me wrong, despite of everything i still love her to pieces, and yes i still miss her, and there are a lot of turbulent feelings involved, but the pain has slowly changed from the raw, physical burning agony that was there in the beginning, to something far more manageable, more like something you feel when you remember a lost relative, a kind of mourning i guess
and then it happened, she came round yesterday to spend time with nipper and we had the most fantastic time, couple of glasses of wine, playing card games with the lad, nipping up to the shops and generally having a laugh, but you know what? That nagging ache knowing she would be leaving again in the evening was gone.
I guess i have just learned to let go, accept that we both have new lives to live and that we truly can be just good friends who see each other occasionally.
I am also very aware of the fact that i have managed to build such a massive wall around the parts in me that were vulnerable to the pain and the suffering it would take a cruise missile to reach them now.
Not sure if the above is of any help, but it seems to have worked for me :dunno:
hth
trouble is im aware of everything everyone one has said and yes im putting work and social life first which helps. i have spent a lot of time here.i do agree time will heal but things just come up and smack you in the face with no warning.
i have found my freedom liberating if not a bit expensive at the moment, and yes my tv my music my time i have become a bit selfish. I have found writing my thoughts down helpful in dealing with my feelings.
Thanks to all
Sex God
Quote by Phoenix
I have difficulty understanding the "steering clear of love" thing because of the fear of getting hurt. I know it's a personal thing, but I would sooner give it another shot and take the chances than spend life alone.
Here Here :thumbup:
Sorry to hear about your dilema but I think most of us have been there at some point and to reiterate the sentiments of others...time is the greatest healer.
Good luck
Quote by earthchild
why do you have to stop loving her, i still love my ex husband but wont ever be a couple with him again.
after you have spent years with someone and they have been your life, its only natural that you will keep loving them, the pain will ease and it will turn into a different kind of love depending on the person that will be different.
i love my ex, but i am not in love with him anymore, that went ages ago but i will always care about him.
you dont have to stop loving her just turn it into a different kind of love that you can handle
hope this makes some sense.
Earthy xx
It makes perfect sense.
This thread contains compassionate, considered and well written advice. It's a credit to everyone in this community.
I truly identify with what you are you going through Wineman. Everyone here has covered the gamut so well I can't add anything myself. It shows that we are never alone in having the feelings that we have. That we are not the first to have that "burning pain" as Pete_sw put it, so eloquently. I hope so much that burning stops, even though sometimes it feels like a friend that links you to the person you have lost.
As this trauma is one that so many go through can I ask the forums thoughts on this thread being made a sticky? If there is a consenus what is the next step?
Pizza
I truly identify with what you are you going through Wineman. Everyone here has covered the gamut so well I can't add anything myself. It shows that we are never alone in having the feelings that we have. That we are not the first to have that "burning pain" as Pete_sw put it, so eloquently. I hope so much that burning stops, even though sometimes it feels like a friend that links you to the person you have lost.
As this trauma is one that so many go through can I ask the forums thoughts on this thread being made a sticky? If there is a consenus what is the next step?
Pizza
We are going through the emotions of having just "lost"-in a very different sense- a loved one, but in a situation where stopping loving is not ever going to happen. Nor would we want it to.
This thread is providing much needed reassurance that the wound really might heal eventually, and to all its contributors, I thank you.
And Pete_SW, you have no idea how pleased I was to read your post
This thread is providing much needed reassurance that the wound really might heal eventually, and to all its contributors, I thank you.
And Pete_SW, you have no idea how pleased I was to read your post
I doubt you'll ever stop loving in your own little way. Everyone has their way of dealing with their own emotions and what may work them, might not work for you.
I've been single for about 18 months and it was very hard to begin with but with the support and love of my friends, I got over my ex hubby's betrayal in time.
I also have an 'emotional issue' that I'm trying to deal with at the mo but as the scenario is completely different, I have to try to handle it in a different way.
I hope you find the answers hun but only you will know what's best for you. Good luck
I've been single for about 18 months and it was very hard to begin with but with the support and love of my friends, I got over my ex hubby's betrayal in time.
I also have an 'emotional issue' that I'm trying to deal with at the mo but as the scenario is completely different, I have to try to handle it in a different way.
I hope you find the answers hun but only you will know what's best for you. Good luck
Thanks to everyone who has posted a reply for me and advice given i greatly apprecite the warm sentiments.
I would also say to others that are reading this but did not have the courage to write about thier feelings that i hope this has helped you as it has me.
its going to take time and there will be holes to fall in to on the way, but sounds like i will have the odd hand or two to help me out.
:thumbup: :thumbup: thanks
I would also say to others that are reading this but did not have the courage to write about thier feelings that i hope this has helped you as it has me.
its going to take time and there will be holes to fall in to on the way, but sounds like i will have the odd hand or two to help me out.
:thumbup: :thumbup: thanks
Quote by Pete_sw
Not sure if this will help, but like you, my split was relatively recent too.
As time has gone by i have found myself starting to enjoy my new found independence, i am the master of my own destiny now, and socially i am having the time of my life :rascal:
don’t get me wrong, despite of everything i still love her to pieces, and yes i still miss her, and there are a lot of turbulent feelings involved, but the pain has slowly changed from the raw, physical burning agony that was there in the beginning, to something far more manageable, more like something you feel when you remember a lost relative, a kind of mourning i guess
hth
Nice post Pete and my apologies for snipping it, but these are the parts I wanted to echo
I had a shitty time recently, partly due to a split and some other stuff as well. I was off work for a month and I was so low at one point that I couldn't leave the house
GP diagnosed depression (no suprise there) but, having been there before, I decided against medication and chose the option of counselling if and when I wanted it. I didn't take the counselling (although I would recommend it to anyone) and decided as Pete did to throw myself into other things. So far so good ;)The other point I wanted to echo is that a relationship ending is like mourning or grieving if you prefer. You wouldn't expect to be over the death of a loved one quickly would you? There's no magic cure and don't put pressure on yourself to feel better quickly as it might make things worse.
Now to answer your question (from my perspective!)I don't know how you stop loving someone :? I still love all my exes (to varying degrees) and am lucky that I have remained friends with them all. It will get to a point where you accept that things have changed and moving on should be easier after that.
Excuse the ramble btw.
Minx x x
