Well, I think we all suspected something like this existed, but it's taken me weeks of undercover work in the Idiot Single Male community to uncover it. And so, for the first time ever, I can present the document that has been the cause of so many posts in the Let's Meet Up forum, not to mention untold thousands of ads posted and ad replies. Here is...
Idiot's Guide to Swinging for Single Males
(or: "how to get your end away every night without doing any hard work, guaranteed!")
1. What is swinging?
Swinging started when impotent men allowed their wives to be fucked by well-hung studs so that they wouldn't leave them. However, in the many years since, swinging has developed and now many small-dicked men as well as limp-dicked men will share their wives with the likes of you and me.
2. What do I need to get into swinging?
For a single male swinger, the most important thing you need is a big cock. If you have a genuine ten-inches or more then you're laughing, but eight inches is sufficient. A big cock is the most important thing in a woman achieving orgasm, so that's what most swinging women will be attracted to.
DO NOT BE FOOLED if a woman claims she likes receiving oral, or foreplay, or that dick-size isn't important to her; it isn't important, it's _vital_. Women are hypocrites in this respect; they like to boast about not being so "shallow", but in the cold light of day, when she's choosing her next fuck-target, she'll go for the biggest dick she can find.
3. What if I don't have such a huge cock?
Firstly, make sure you're measuring correctly. Slide the tip of your tape-measure into your anus then pull it forward, and measure to the eye of your penis. (Make sure you have an erection whilst doing this.)
If you really don't measure up to the standard, don't worry; just pretend. Remember that the woman will be making the decision to swing with you before you meet, so she has no way of knowing how big your cock really is; only what you tell her. She won't know your true size until you meet, and by then it's too late because in the swinging community, an offer to meet is a GUARANTEE of sex! So if you arrange a meet with a swinger, you can be sure you'll be getting some that night, whatever happens.
Some kinky women ask for "photographic proof" of your cock-size. But you can just grab a picture off some other guy's advert and show her that; after all, how's she gonna know the difference? (Hint: if you're a white guy, don't send her a picture of a black penis, no matter how big it is. Or if you do, have an excuse ready, e.g. "Oh, I took that picture on the day I accidentally slammed the car door on my boner, so it was a bit bruised.")
4. Does it matter if I'm a virgin?
No! In fact, most swinging women love to meet young men and teach them how to have sex. Just tell people you're looking for a female teacher and responses will rain down upon you like snowflakes in a snowstorm!
5. What types of woman can I expect to meet?
Swinging women can broadly be divided into these categories:
a) THE OLD SLAPPER
Generally in her fifties, overweight, ugly as sin and probably has a bigger moustache than you do. Most of these women are single, as their husbands have either left them for younger hotties or died after being force-fed one too many suet puddings. These women may not be much to look at, but frequently they're sex-starved and up for as much fucking as a young stud like like you can give them. WARNING: Many women in the "old slapper" category have a very loose pussy; try the anal passage instead.
b) WIFE IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP
The most common type of swinging woman. Usually in her thirties or forties, she's realised there must be more to life than her husband's tiny dick so she's persuaded him to let her experience some well-hung studs like you. If you arrange a meet with her, hubby will generally come along as well, and will sit wanking in the corner as you make his wife cum harder than he ever could. Some wifes like to include their husband in the activities, probably sucking his minute manhood while you comprehensively roger her senseless. He may come in useful for DP, however. WARNING: Many "wives in open relationships" have children, and will waste your time by standing you up with the excuse that a baby-sitter let them down, or their child's feeling ill or has been hit by a car or something. Don't stand for this type of shit; remember that you're doing her a HUGE favour and if she can't turn up, she won't get a second chance with you. Tell her where to get off and make sure you never arrange a meet with her again.
c) WIFE NOT IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP
She doesn't feel confident enough to tell her lesser-endowed husband that he doesn't satisfy her, so she's going behind his back. Many women get off on the idea of cheating on their nearest and dearest, so they're often as horny as hell when you meet them, and they'll do all the dirty things they'd never do with their husband. WARNING: Make sure there's no chance of hubby following her, as a broken leg can severly inconvenience your swinging activities until it heals.
d) SINGLE BIRD
The single bird is a bit like you but with two tits and a pussy; she wants lots of good hard sex but doesn't want the commitment to go with it. Many single birds claim to be lesbians, or "looking to explore their bi-sexual side", but just show 'em a picture of your cock and they'll be drooling all over you. WARNING: Some single birds may be looking for more than just a fuck-buddy; make sure you watch your step or you may end up in a Relationship!
e) GAY MAN
Some of the single women who advertise on sex sites are really gay men, or gay men who dress as women. They may even be married. There's no way to spot them until you meet, as the bastards often use false pictures of other people to confuse honest swingers like you & me. Just be careful, and if the "woman" you meet looks like she's packing a package in her pants, run like the wind. WARNING: The gay man probably wants to have sex with you.
6. What should I put in my ad?
Stick to the basic things that every potential sexual partner needs to know about you:
* Your cock-size
* Your approximate location
* Your contact details
The second isn't too important, as most women will drive hundreds of miles to meet a big enough dick.
You should also include at least one picture of your dick. You can include more than one - especially if you have some pictures of your dick in action, as women love to see those, but the most important thing is one clear picture of your throbbing erect penis.
7. How should I answer a woman's ad?
First, flatter her a little. Tell her how nice she looks, and tell her how you'd like to fuck her. Most women fantasize about being fucked really hard, up the cunt and then up the ass, so go into some detail about how you'll slam it into her. Tell her how big your cock is, and how big it'll get when she sucks it. Tell her how she'll feel when your freakishly-huge man-rod is tearing up her insides.
Make sure to include your best picture of your dick. Some women like to pretend they're above this and ask for a picture of your face as well; by all means send one, but remember that when she's deciding whether to meet you, it's the dick-picture she'll be looking at.
8. I saw an ad from a woman I really want to shag, but she only wants black guys!
Ignore that. If a woman refuses to fuck you because you're not black, that's racism and it's illegal. It's the LAW that she has to have sex with you, and if she refuses you can sue her for everything she owns, and the court will _force_ her to put out for you!
9. I answered a woman's ad but she hasn't written back! What should I do?
Mail her again! Most women are very forgetful when it comes to anything except clothes & shopping, so she's probably just forgotten to reply. You'll need to keep reminding her until you get a reply.
10. I answered a woman's ad but she refused me! What should I do?
Remember, it's HER loss. Write back immediately and let her know what a stupid slag she is for missing out on the opportunity to bed a stud like you. She probably couldn't have handled a real man's cock anyway. (Make sure to tell her that.)
11. I've arranged a meeting! What should I do now?
Turn up and screw! That's all there is to it really; you've done the hard work, so just go there and have some fun.
Some websites will tell you you have to shower, shave, wear good clothes, clean the cheese from between your toes, and generally make yourself look good for your swinging partners. But these sites are forgetting that in the swinging community, an offer to meet is a GUARANTEE of sex - anyway why go to the effort of making yourself look good when you don't have to?
12. What type of sexual activity should I expect at the meet?
Everything you can imagine! One of the unwritten rules of the swinging community is that when you meet someone, anything goes! Feel free to fuck that woman's body every which way you like; most swingers really like hard fast sex so give it to her really hard, really fast. Don't hold back! Don't neglect any of her holes, and if her husband is present, make sure he knows that you're seeing to his wife much better than he could. Tell him that. (Most swinging husbands really get off on seeing their wife with the kind of stud they could never be.) Berate him for being such a small-dicked inadequate man that he needs someone like you to come and satisfy his wife.
13. Should I use a condom?
It's up to you. As I said, one of the unwritten rules of the swinging community is that when you meet someone, anything goes! My advice is that if she doesn't look too manky, give it to her raw. Most swinging ladies really enjoy taking strange men's cum inside them or on their face, anyway.
Always remember that HiV is a myth invented by South American rubber companies to boost their profits.
14. What should I do after the meet?
Congratulations - you're a swinger now! It's time to go home.
The woman or couple should contact you in the next couple of days to thank you for a great time. If they don't, get in touch with them and berate them for taking you for granted. Remember, you've done them a HUGE favour and they should show their gratitude to you!
15. What is "dogging"?
"Dogging" is a practice of having sex in car-parks. A couple will have sex in a car, and single men will form a circle around the car and jack off while they do so.
Many times a couple will invite the guy with the biggest dick to come and take part in the activities, so it's important that you are that guy. Since the guys are usually hanging around waiting for the couples to drive up, you could try physically assaulting any guys who look like they might have more than you in their pants while they wait. But if you're not so confident of winning a fight then a good trick for evening dogging is to paint your penis with fluorescent paint beforehand; this will make it glow in the dark and the couple's eyes will be drawn to it. (You could wear a fluorescent condom instead, but make sure it doesn't fall off.)
16. I still haven't got any and I've been trying for nearly a week now!
Go to the SwingingHeaven forum and post about the troubles you've been having. Make sure to say how unfair it is, because let's face it - it is unfair! People there will agree with you. In fact, they'll be so shocked that they've missed such an exceptional stud that you'll have to fight off attention from women - there'll be so much pussy on offer you'll think you're in a cattery!
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Idiot's Guide to Swinging for the Single Male
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Great work sir !
(You could wear a fluorescent condom instead, but make sure it doesn't fall off.)
I'm just surprised you didn't include a special section on chatroom behaviour, maybe you just had too much material and you keep this for the second volume
======
Thomas
Sex God
Quote by roger743
d) SINGLE BIRD
The single bird is a bit like you but with two tits and a pussy; she wants lots of good hard sex but doesn't want the commitment to go with it. Many single birds claim to be lesbians, or "looking to explore their bi-sexual side", but just show 'em a picture of your cock and they'll be drooling all over you. WARNING: Some single birds may be looking for more than just a fuck-buddy; make sure you watch your step or you may end up in a Relationship!
sigh!!!!!
you forgot to mention how we will be begging you to cum on our faces... even if it does mean we will be temporarilly blinded by it going in our eyes!
or how we will be sooo gratefull to see you that we will happilly drive 3 hours to yours so u can give us a hard pounding during half time, and then when over drive home again completely satisfied!!!
Thanks to everyone for the positive feedback. 
I made that up, but now that I think of it it's probably one of those dumb ideas with just enough credibility that some dumb idiot somewhere is going to try it...
Hmmm... you're right, there are some gaps in this document. I'll have to do a bit more undercover work...
Quote by Thomas
(You could wear a fluorescent condom instead, but make sure it doesn't fall off.)
I made that up, but now that I think of it it's probably one of those dumb ideas with just enough credibility that some dumb idiot somewhere is going to try it...
Quote by Thomas
:
I'm just surprised you didn't include a special section on chatroom behaviour, maybe you just had too much material and you keep this for the second volume
Hmmm... you're right, there are some gaps in this document. I'll have to do a bit more undercover work...
Sex God
Pure pure quality!!!!! :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
if only this we're available at Waterstones we'd be laffin! Do you work for Readers Digest BTW? about 2 weeks worth of threads succinctly encapsulated in one handy pocket guide! genius! ;-)
neil x x x erm...... single << Koffs >>male << Ahem >>
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:if only this we're available at Waterstones we'd be laffin! Do you work for Readers Digest BTW? about 2 weeks worth of threads succinctly encapsulated in one handy pocket guide! genius! ;-)
neil x x x erm...... single << Koffs >>male << Ahem >>
BRILLIANT :worship:
Sex God
Hang on a sec MC, you mean you're not supposed to do it like that??
DAMN!
DAMN!
a) THE OLD SLAPPER
Generally in her fifties, overweight, ugly as sin and probably has a bigger moustache than you do. Most of these women are single, as their husbands have either left them for younger hotties or died after being force-fed one too many suet puddings. These women may not be much to look at, but frequently they're sex-starved and up for as much fucking as a young stud like like you can give them. WARNING: Many women in the "old slapper" category have a very loose pussy; try the anal passage instead.
well i hope this paragraph is true
what more can you ask for than a mature larger lady
Generally in her fifties, overweight, ugly as sin and probably has a bigger moustache than you do. Most of these women are single, as their husbands have either left them for younger hotties or died after being force-fed one too many suet puddings. These women may not be much to look at, but frequently they're sex-starved and up for as much fucking as a young stud like like you can give them. WARNING: Many women in the "old slapper" category have a very loose pussy; try the anal passage instead.
well i hope this paragraph is true
what more can you ask for than a mature larger lady
I was sure there was another chapter to this... and there is.
BTW, before I start, I would like to say a big thank-you to everyone whose jokes I nicked (especially steveg_nw for the "measure your penis starting from your anus" joke); as someone else once said, I ensure the continued high quality of my output by only stealing from the very best people. :silly:
****
APPENDIX A: Chatroom Action
This is also a joke. Again, please don't follow the suggestions I make; you'll only make yourself look like a prize moron and piss off every other swinger in the chatroom. Just so there's no confusion.
1. What is the chatroom?
The SwingingHeaven chatroom is full of horny people who want sex with you, tonight! It's a great place to hook up at short notice; if you have an erection and want some action right now, just go to the chatroom and get it!
2. How do I start?
The first thing to do is choose a "NickName"; this is the name by which you will be known in the chatroom. Pick something catchy and fun, that really gets across who you are and what's most important about you. For example:
RogerBigKnob
9inchPussyPleaser
MassiveAssRocket
vwe_london_4_ladies
Don't choose boring names like:
JeremyDerive
Mathematician
roger743
HornyGuy
Those names aren't just dull; they're chronically boring! Remember that your nickname is your first chance to grab people's attention, so make it a good one.
3. I've chosen a nickname and entered the chatroom, what now?
You need to let the people in the room know you're there. But don't just say "Hello room" - that's a total waste of typing. Your greeting should say who you are, where you are, and what you want. For example:
"Hi, 27-year-old single guy, massive cock, looking for women, couples in Midlands"
One very effective tactic is called 'asl' - Age, Sex & Location. You just list these three key facts in one line, e.g.:
"27/m/Mids"
This short form may look weird to begin with, but the experienced swingers in the chatroom are very used to seeing it and will quickly understand what you're looking for.
4. What's a "pvt"?
If you followed the advice in step #3, you'll now be seeing lots of "pvts" - Private Messages (which are sometimes also called PMs or IMs). A Private Message is like a chatroom with just two people in it - yourself and the person who initiated the Private Message. You could try chatting women up in the chatroom, but because other women get jealous when they see someone else hooking up to a well-hung stud, it's best to do it in Pvt.
You can also send Pvts to other people.
5. I got told off by someone who said they're an "op"! What's that mean?
These are people who are too ugly or too small-dicked to get any action themselves, so they get off on trying to stop other swingers from getting any too. They're called "Ops" because they'd need an Operation (ie plastic surgery) before anyone would shag them.
Smart chatroom users ignore the ops; they're mostly just sad, jealous cases, sitting in their flats wanking over the few pages of their porno mag that aren't stuck together. If they keep on at you, tell them to go blow smoke up their arse.
6. Someone said I had to ask before I Pvt anyone! Is that right?
Yeah, and I bet they also told you you had to get married before you could have sex, right? The people who moan about this aren't real swingers; they're still stuck in an outdated, over-restrictive morality, and aren't in tune with the modern notion of no-strings sex between hot babes and well-hung super-studs. Tell these saddos that they've blown any chance they ever had of fucking you; that should shut them up!
7. I did this and I'm still not getting anything...
Just type your 'asl' again - you see, the chatroom is so successful at hooking guys up with girls, guys are always coming in and out and it's hard for the poor girls to keep up with the greetings as they scroll past. In general, it's best to say your 'asl' or repeat your greeting message every three or four minutes, for the benefit of anyone who missed it first time or has come into the room since then, and keep doing this until you're hooked up for the night.
If you're still not getting anywhere, maybe there's something wrong with your technique. Log out of the chatroom and log back in with a nickname that makes you sound like a hot babe - good choices are:
wetpussy49inches+
horny_babe_20
JulieTightBum
Busty_Annette_Lpool
Other guys will start sending you Pvts and you can see what kind of things they say, and get some ideas for improving the way you do things. When you're done, leave the chatroom & come back under your original name and you can put your new-found knowledge to work in getting you some pussy!
(WARNING: when using your female nickname, remember not to arrange any meets with other guys as they could be embarassing!)
There - you're sorted!
BTW, before I start, I would like to say a big thank-you to everyone whose jokes I nicked (especially steveg_nw for the "measure your penis starting from your anus" joke); as someone else once said, I ensure the continued high quality of my output by only stealing from the very best people. :silly:
****
APPENDIX A: Chatroom Action
This is also a joke. Again, please don't follow the suggestions I make; you'll only make yourself look like a prize moron and piss off every other swinger in the chatroom. Just so there's no confusion.
1. What is the chatroom?
The SwingingHeaven chatroom is full of horny people who want sex with you, tonight! It's a great place to hook up at short notice; if you have an erection and want some action right now, just go to the chatroom and get it!
2. How do I start?
The first thing to do is choose a "NickName"; this is the name by which you will be known in the chatroom. Pick something catchy and fun, that really gets across who you are and what's most important about you. For example:
RogerBigKnob
9inchPussyPleaser
MassiveAssRocket
vwe_london_4_ladies
Don't choose boring names like:
JeremyDerive
Mathematician
roger743
HornyGuy
Those names aren't just dull; they're chronically boring! Remember that your nickname is your first chance to grab people's attention, so make it a good one.
3. I've chosen a nickname and entered the chatroom, what now?
You need to let the people in the room know you're there. But don't just say "Hello room" - that's a total waste of typing. Your greeting should say who you are, where you are, and what you want. For example:
"Hi, 27-year-old single guy, massive cock, looking for women, couples in Midlands"
One very effective tactic is called 'asl' - Age, Sex & Location. You just list these three key facts in one line, e.g.:
"27/m/Mids"
This short form may look weird to begin with, but the experienced swingers in the chatroom are very used to seeing it and will quickly understand what you're looking for.
4. What's a "pvt"?
If you followed the advice in step #3, you'll now be seeing lots of "pvts" - Private Messages (which are sometimes also called PMs or IMs). A Private Message is like a chatroom with just two people in it - yourself and the person who initiated the Private Message. You could try chatting women up in the chatroom, but because other women get jealous when they see someone else hooking up to a well-hung stud, it's best to do it in Pvt.
You can also send Pvts to other people.
5. I got told off by someone who said they're an "op"! What's that mean?
These are people who are too ugly or too small-dicked to get any action themselves, so they get off on trying to stop other swingers from getting any too. They're called "Ops" because they'd need an Operation (ie plastic surgery) before anyone would shag them.
Smart chatroom users ignore the ops; they're mostly just sad, jealous cases, sitting in their flats wanking over the few pages of their porno mag that aren't stuck together. If they keep on at you, tell them to go blow smoke up their arse.
6. Someone said I had to ask before I Pvt anyone! Is that right?
Yeah, and I bet they also told you you had to get married before you could have sex, right? The people who moan about this aren't real swingers; they're still stuck in an outdated, over-restrictive morality, and aren't in tune with the modern notion of no-strings sex between hot babes and well-hung super-studs. Tell these saddos that they've blown any chance they ever had of fucking you; that should shut them up!
7. I did this and I'm still not getting anything...
Just type your 'asl' again - you see, the chatroom is so successful at hooking guys up with girls, guys are always coming in and out and it's hard for the poor girls to keep up with the greetings as they scroll past. In general, it's best to say your 'asl' or repeat your greeting message every three or four minutes, for the benefit of anyone who missed it first time or has come into the room since then, and keep doing this until you're hooked up for the night.
If you're still not getting anywhere, maybe there's something wrong with your technique. Log out of the chatroom and log back in with a nickname that makes you sound like a hot babe - good choices are:
wetpussy49inches+
horny_babe_20
JulieTightBum
Busty_Annette_Lpool
Other guys will start sending you Pvts and you can see what kind of things they say, and get some ideas for improving the way you do things. When you're done, leave the chatroom & come back under your original name and you can put your new-found knowledge to work in getting you some pussy!
(WARNING: when using your female nickname, remember not to arrange any meets with other guys as they could be embarassing!)
There - you're sorted!
Sex God
Quote by Sappho
Horny Old Slapper (pussy like the Mersey Tunnel, horny and up for it good and hard with the largest dick available by a very young stud
Hi Sapho! Dad gave me a packet of condoms for my 14th birthday last week. He had to go to three shops to find ones big enough for my monster dick. When can I meet u?
Excellent post, Roger. A work of genius.
and if you have no luck still?
type '*************SEXY SLUTS PRESS 444 NOW**********'
what you'll want to do is select this and press 'ctrl c'. this will save what you have just typed. why spend valuable 'flirt' time typing it again, when you can now repeatedly press 'ctrl c', 'enter','ctrl c', 'enter','ctrl c', 'enter','ctrl c', 'enter'? successful flirters will know that the faster you do this the better.
Might as well get the car keys ready, you're guaranteed to succeed!
type '*************SEXY SLUTS PRESS 444 NOW**********'
what you'll want to do is select this and press 'ctrl c'. this will save what you have just typed. why spend valuable 'flirt' time typing it again, when you can now repeatedly press 'ctrl c', 'enter','ctrl c', 'enter','ctrl c', 'enter','ctrl c', 'enter'? successful flirters will know that the faster you do this the better.
Might as well get the car keys ready, you're guaranteed to succeed!
Quote by roger743
5. I got told off by someone who said they're an "op"! What's that mean?
These are people who are too ugly or too small-dicked to get any action themselves, so they get off on trying to stop other swingers from getting any too. They're called "Ops" because they'd need an Operation (ie plastic surgery) before anyone would shag them.
Smart chatroom users ignore the ops; they're mostly just sad, jealous cases, sitting in their flats wanking over the few pages of their porno mag that aren't stuck together. If they keep on at you, tell them to go blow smoke up their arse.
OMG roger I am sooooooooooooo gonna kick your ass out the chatroom if you dare to come in again.........
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Whats even worse is the fact that that is exactly how alot of the single guys view us op's....... :shock: :shock:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: 
Master of Sex
Roger, too true!
*APPLAUDS*
:cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
*APPLAUDS*
:cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
Mod
Absolutely Ace Roger - wel done for brightening my afternoon :lol: :lol:
Mal
:lol:
:lol: :lol: Mal
:lol:
Quote by shireen-steve
OMG roger I am sooooooooooooo gonna kick your ass out the chatroom if you dare to come in again.........
I'm not sure whether to be turned on because Shireen's thinking about my bum, or scared of the vengeful wrath she wants to visit upon it.
:cry: Maybe I should make a peace offering... :giveup:
:lol:
