It's all a matter of respect

29 May 2006

Last week I learnt something.
What I learnt is that, even though Iâ€™m straight, I certainly do not want sex with any woman. This might sound obvious but I have analysed what lies behind that statement for me.
I realised that the big turn-on for me is engaging with a woman or couple for whom I have respect. It has to be someone to whom I really wish to give pleasure, hopefully in the most subtle and giving way.
The prospect of making someone like that feel special is, to me, the ultimate turn-on.
Does anybody understand what I mean? What is it that turns your screw (so to speak) then?

29 May 2006

tell me something I dont know lol

29 May 2006

Quote by Darkfire
tell me something I dont know

That turns your screw? :lol: :lol:

29 May 2006

Quote by westerross
Last week I learnt something.
What I learnt is that, even though Iâ€™m straight, I certainly do not want sex with any woman. This might sound obvious but I have analysed what lies behind that statement for me.
I realised that the big turn-on for me is engaging with a woman or couple for whom I have respect. It has to be someone to whom I really wish to give pleasure, hopefully in the most subtle and giving way.
The prospect of making someone like that feel special is, to me, the ultimate turn-on.
Does anybody understand what I mean? What is it that turns your screw (so to speak) then?

I am the same mate... and to be honest as bad as some blokes have the rep for "wanting to shag anything"(the perception the general public have of most swingers) i think they are more in the minority than the majority...
what floats my boat??? hmmm...... for me it is mental... so intelligence and conversation are two biggies (probably because i am thick as two planks sometimes.... smile

)

29 May 2006

Quote by westerross
Last week I learnt something.
What I learnt is that, even though Iâ€™m straight, I certainly do not want sex with any woman. This might sound obvious but I have analysed what lies behind that statement for me.
I realised that the big turn-on for me is engaging with a woman or couple for whom I have respect. It has to be someone to whom I really wish to give pleasure, hopefully in the most subtle and giving way.
The prospect of making someone like that feel special is, to me, the ultimate turn-on.
Does anybody understand what I mean? What is it that turns your screw (so to speak) then?

A week or so ago I would have liked to say I understand you perfectly. boink

Today I know exactly what you agree with every word. :thumbup:
Stormwalker

29 May 2006

not quite :lol:
to explain properly:
I am only interested in people I have respect and admiration for, and them me. Now that big time cuts down my chances of finding what I'm looking for here, but because I love the social side so much, i'll probably be around long enough to stumble on the real reason i'm here, however long it takes.
What turns my 'screw' are those who dont flirt incessantly with others, who dont treat me like meat with an sbf label, who dont swing with people just for the sake of it, who are picky about who they play with etc. That, for me, will earn the respect, the admiration bit comes from knowing the person behind the posts and actually liking them for who they are.
Now add that to the feeling of, like you say TE, wanting to make that person feel good, feel special and wanted and horny and everything posistive in between... and that's what does it for me. biggrin

29 May 2006

Quote by Darkfire
not quite :lol:
to explain properly:
I am only interested in people I have respect and admiration for, and them me. Now that big time cuts down my chances of finding what I'm looking for here, but because I love the social side so much, i'll probably be around long enough to stumble on the real reason i'm here, however long it takes.
What turns my 'screw' are those who dont flirt incessantly with others, who dont treat me like meat with an sbf label, who dont swing with people just for the sake of it, who are picky about who they play with etc. That, for me, will earn the respect, the admiration bit comes from knowing the person behind the posts and actually liking them for who they are.
Now add that to the feeling of, like you say TE, wanting to make that person feel good, feel special and wanted and horny and everything posistive in between... and that's what does it for me.

My head is very fuzzy from a rather good weekend so trying to say what I mean is going to be tough, but now I don't need to 'cos Dark has hit the nail well and truely on the head.
H.x

29 May 2006

Its so freaky that you should post this TE as we have just had a similar conversation.
Last night we was out with some swinging friends and the conversation drifted to 'have you met such and such?' 'How big is his cock' 'Is he good looking' etc etc. A couple of the ladies present said that they wouldn't meet anyone who was under 6ft, or who had a cock of less than 8 inches and definately wouldnt meet anyone over 40 or who had a bit of weight on them. I found this very hard to understand how they could just automatically put someone into such a 'box' without even mentioning the persons personality. I did agree there had to be some form of attraction, and that you could not just play with 'anyone' but I found it difficult to describe my ideal person.
Anyway, Mr NWC and I carried on this conversation today and I suddenly realised that even though I do need to find a person attractive (beauty is in the eye of the beholder) more than anything else, I had to like the person as a whole, not just as a peice of meat. It had to be a mental and physical attraction.
That said, I still dont think that the person has to be of a certain height, or certain colour hair etc, but they have to be able to make me smile, make me feel comfortable and more than anything make me feel like I want to spend some time with this person and give them as much pleasure as I hope they will want to give me.
Not sure if any of the above makes sense to anyone (a bit of a garbled post) but if nothing else, the conversation last night certainly made me think about what I want from this site and what we want from swinging and I can guarantee that our outlook from now on will definately be different wink

29 May 2006

Quote by Naughty Wigan Couple
. . . A couple of the ladies present said that they wouldn't meet anyone who was under 6ft, or who had a cock of less than 8 inches and definately wouldnt meet anyone over 40 . . . .

29 May 2006

Quote by Naughty Wigan Couple
That said, I still dont think that the person has to be of a certain height, or certain colour hair etc, but they have to be able to make me smile, make me feel comfortable and more than anything make me feel like I want to spend some time with this person and give them as much pleasure as I hope they will want to give me.

So nicely put and better than I ever could have said it :thumbup:

29 May 2006

Anyway, Mr NWC and I carried on this conversation today and I suddenly realised that even though I do need to find a person attractive (beauty is in the eye of the beholder) more than anything else, I had to like the person as a whole, not just as a peice of meat. It had to be a mental and physical attraction.
That said, I still dont think that the person has to be of a certain height, or certain colour hair etc, but they have to be able to make me smile, make me feel comfortable and more than anything make me feel like I want to spend some time with this person and give them as much pleasure as I hope they will want to give me.
Not sure if any of the above makes sense to anyone

makes perfect sense to me NWC, and agree with you and choon 100%. most of the attraction i feel for someone is mental. if they stimulate my mind, and we connect on some level, chances are they'll stimulate other parts of my anatomy too. one of the things i've discovered through swinging is that i had laughably limited definitions of what i found attractive. that's broadened immensely, mainly cos i know now that attraction based on physical assets, while important in it's own way, is the least of things. the single most important thing is that i genuinely like them as people, not as prospective sexual partners, and like you say choon, that means mutual respect and admiration.
i occasionally go clubbing, and have never really played all that much, cos for me random just doesn't work. without the mental spark, there's no spark anywhere else either. what i look for is some kind of connection and friendship that means that all concerned actively want to make the experience as rewarding for eveyone else as it is for them.
neil x x x ;)

29 May 2006

Quote by Naughty Wigan Couple
I suddenly realised that even though I do need to find a person attractive (beauty is in the eye of the beholder) more than anything else, I had to like the person as a whole, not just as a peice of meat. It had to be a mental and physical attraction.
That said, I still dont think that the person has to be of a certain height, or certain colour hair etc, but they have to be able to make me smile, make me feel comfortable and more than anything make me feel like I want to spend some time with this person and give them as much pleasure as I hope they will want to give me.

:thumbup: I've probably 90% made up my mind that I want to swing with someone by reading their posts and talking to them, whether on msn, phone or both before even setting eyes on them.

Quote by neilinleeds
i occasionally go clubbing, and have never really played all that much, cos for me random just doesn't work. without the mental spark, there's no spark anywhere else either. what i look for is some kind of connection and friendship that means that all concerned actively want to make the experience as rewarding for eveyone else as it is for them.
neil x x x ;)

I think I'm pretty much the same here Neil. I'm very fussy and personally want to know I like the person's personality before I let them anywhere near me!
Hello my sexy Neil! Fancy a shag??!!
Fee
XX

29 May 2006

Quote by Darkfire
What turns my 'screw' are those who dont flirt incessantly with others, who dont treat me like meat with an sbf label, who dont swing with people just for the sake of it, who are picky about who they play with etc. That, for me, will earn the respect, the admiration bit comes from knowing the person behind the posts and actually liking them for who they are.

Ditto :thumbup: I don't get turned on by anyone who would shag just about anything with a pulse. I have to have some kind of rapport with them, be able to hold some kind of intelligent coversation with them and to generally get on with them. My ideal evening for a meet is not just turn up, get my kit off, shag then go home. I like to make an evening ( or day ) of it preferably with someone who is attractive, attentive, intelligent and be able to have a good laugh.

29 May 2006

Quote by Sassy-Seren
...preferably with someone who is attractive, attentive, intelligent and be able to have a good laugh.

:shock: thats me off the list then confused

29 May 2006

Quote by fabio grooverider
Last week I learnt something.
What I learnt is that, even though Iâ€™m straight, I certainly do not want sex with any woman. This might sound obvious but I have analysed what lies behind that statement for me.
I realised that the big turn-on for me is engaging with a woman or couple for whom I have respect. It has to be someone to whom I really wish to give pleasure, hopefully in the most subtle and giving way.
The prospect of making someone like that feel special is, to me, the ultimate turn-on.
Does anybody understand what I mean? What is it that turns your screw (so to speak) then?

)
This is all excellent to hear..
As you all probably know i havent had a meet yet (da ba da ba daaaa) lol
But the prospect f just meeting someone solely for a 'fuck' does not turn me on one bit. Even though the main reason I am on this website so I can have no strings fun... I would like to click with that person/people and know that they want me and that I want them.
Great stuff folks xxxxxxxx

29 May 2006

Quote by redpantherman
...preferably with someone who is attractive, attentive, intelligent and be able to have a good laugh.

:shock: thats me off the list then confused

Never hunni kiss

29 May 2006

Quote by Naughty Wigan Couple
Anyway, Mr NWC and I carried on this conversation today and I suddenly realised that even though I do need to find a person attractive (beauty is in the eye of the beholder) more than anything else, I had to like the person as a whole, not just as a peice of meat. It had to be a mental and physical attraction.

Or a my favourite shirt says beauty is in the eye of the beerholder lol

Quote by Sassy-Seren
Ditto :thumbup: I don't get turned on by anyone who would shag just about anything with a pulse. I have to have some kind of rapport with them, be able to hold some kind of intelligent coversation with them and to generally get on with them. My ideal evening for a meet is not just turn up, get my kit off, shag then go home. I like to make an evening ( or day ) of it preferably with someone who is attractive, attentive, intelligent and be able to have a good laugh.

Oh hell where in the AUP or whatever its called did it say I have to swing with someone with a pulse rotflmao

Meet...not turn up...ringing bells here :lol:
Ohhh I'm in such a wicked mode I must goto bed.
Regards
Harry Jones

29 May 2006

Quote by feebee
I've probably 90% made up my mind that I want to swing with someone by reading their posts and talking to them, whether on msn, phone or both before even setting eyes on them.

absolutely. i've probably been very lucky, in that more often than not, my impressions of people based on posts, chatrooms, chats in messenger, etc etc, have been pretty spot on, and have been confirmed when i eventually get to meet them socially in real life? there've been complete disasters, where i've had to question my judgement, but usually, the people i've really liked from their online persona have been people i've really liked in real life, and things have been pretty bloody good. biggrin

i'm a slave to my moods, and my mood can flip in a heartbeat, so sometimes things haven't worked out quite so well as i'd have hoped, but you know what? cos we got on in real life as friends first and foremost, and had that connection, we all cut eachother a lot of slack, and it really weren't all that important in the end?
neil x x x ;)

30 May 2006

Not specifically aimed at the author above me...
Devil's advocate time.
It's all well and good being best friends with the people you're swinging with, however whats happens when the sex isn't great and the swinging isn't really working out?
What happens when the other person falls in love with your partner? Or if the friendship gets a bit rocky over some other misunderstanding, posibly not even swinging related, but they still want you to shag them? Respect is sometimes thrown well out of the window in favour of convenience?
It's ok liking and getting on with people as a single cos if it goes tits up then you've only got yourself to think about... what about the couple thing... where one member of the partnership falls out with someone, how does that one work out on a swinging basis cos surely thats going to cause some kind of resentment? dunno

Is it better not to get too close to those you're swinging with, getting potentially caught up in other people's issues, politics etc and therefore become a bit too involved? IS there such a thing as being too close in swinging? And if there is... where is line drawn? How do you know when the line's been crossed with the swinging and friendship thing? And more to the point... would you loose that 'friend' if you said you'd never have sex ever again? In which case.... is that real friendship or just a means to an end afterall? :dunno:
If any of the above happened, how would you deal with it? I suppose the simple answer is if they were your friends, then they'd understand... but we all know things aren't as straight forward at times. People are complex and thats what makes us so interesting.
How about if you've not got the time to plough into speaking and doing the social thing due to other real life commitments? Or you simply don't need that mental connection thing... just to physically fancy the arse off someone in order to shag them?
kiss

Gem. x

30 May 2006

Well, Iâ€™ve got to say that I am a little surprised (pleasantly) at how many of people I respect around here have a similar take on this. I also think Little Diamondâ€™s devilâ€™s advocacy raises other important issues.
Just to be clear on one thing â€“ I wasnâ€™t talking about friendship, which is another area altogether. It was actually a sexual point I was making â€“ that itâ€™s the respect thatâ€™s a turn-on for me but, as with all things, itâ€™s not the whole story â€“ nothing is that simple.
Inevitably, thereâ€™s a potential emotional minefield that we all might come across as little gem rightly points out. It is very important as swingers that we avoid it. I think, on the friendship thingy it is whether you were friends before swinging came into the equation or whether you became friends with a view to swinging. If itâ€™s the former then I say donâ€™t swing. If itâ€™s the latter then thatâ€™s the name of the game but youâ€™ve got to watch it doesnâ€™t get out of hand.

30 May 2006

Quote by Sassy-Seren

What turns my 'screw' are those who dont flirt incessantly with others, who dont treat me like meat with an sbf label, who dont swing with people just for the sake of it, who are picky about who they play with etc. That, for me, will earn the respect, the admiration bit comes from knowing the person behind the posts and actually liking them for who they are.

30 May 2006

I like this thread.
Naughtywigans put it very well, there has to be a spark of something. Frinstance I am currently having a fantastic long distance cyber chat with aspunky lady whom Iwill probably never meet but it is brilliant fun

30 May 2006

Quote by little gem
Not specifically aimed at the author above me...
Devil's advocate time.
It's all well and good being best friends with the people you're swinging with, however whats happens when the sex isn't great and the swinging isn't really working out?
What happens when the other person falls in love with your partner? Or if the friendship gets a bit rocky over some other misunderstanding, posibly not even swinging related, but they still want you to shag them? Respect is sometimes thrown well out of the window in favour of convenience?
It's ok liking and getting on with people as a single cos if it goes tits up then you've only got yourself to think about... what about the couple thing... where one member of the partnership falls out with someone, how does that one work out on a swinging basis cos surely thats going to cause some kind of resentment?
Is it better not to get too close to those you're swinging with, getting potentially caught up in other people's issues, politics etc and therefore become a bit too involved? IS there such a thing as being too close in swinging? And if there is... where is line drawn? How do you know when the line's been crossed with the swinging and friendship thing? And more to the point... would you loose that 'friend' if you said you'd never have sex ever again? In which case.... is that real friendship or just a means to an end afterall? :dunno:
If any of the above happened, how would you deal with it? I suppose the simple answer is if they were your friends, then they'd understand... but we all know things aren't as straight forward at times. People are complex and thats what makes us so interesting.
How about if you've not got the time to plough into speaking and doing the social thing due to other real life commitments? Or you simply don't need that mental connection thing... just to physically fancy the arse off someone in order to shag them?
Gem. x

we're with you on this one little gem, we've got some great swinging friends who we haven't actually swung with fully only socially and we all feel it best it stays that way now. and on the other hand met people and played same day without getting to know there family/ politics/ work problems the moral is if you get too close to another couple allsorts can happen as you highlighted.

30 May 2006

Quote by little gem
Not specifically aimed at the author above me...
Devil's advocate time.
It's all well and good being best friends with the people you're swinging with, however whats happens when the sex isn't great and the swinging isn't really working out?
What happens when the other person falls in love with your partner? Or if the friendship gets a bit rocky over some other misunderstanding, posibly not even swinging related, but they still want you to shag them? Respect is sometimes thrown well out of the window in favour of convenience?
It's ok liking and getting on with people as a single cos if it goes tits up then you've only got yourself to think about... what about the couple thing... where one member of the partnership falls out with someone, how does that one work out on a swinging basis cos surely thats going to cause some kind of resentment?
Is it better not to get too close to those you're swinging with, getting potentially caught up in other people's issues, politics etc and therefore become a bit too involved? IS there such a thing as being too close in swinging? And if there is... where is line drawn? How do you know when the line's been crossed with the swinging and friendship thing? And more to the point... would you loose that 'friend' if you said you'd never have sex ever again? In which case.... is that real friendship or just a means to an end afterall? :dunno:
If any of the above happened, how would you deal with it? I suppose the simple answer is if they were your friends, then they'd understand... but we all know things aren't as straight forward at times. People are complex and thats what makes us so interesting.
How about if you've not got the time to plough into speaking and doing the social thing due to other real life commitments? Or you simply don't need that mental connection thing... just to physically fancy the arse off someone in order to shag them?
Gem. x

How true...
We have a number of people who we consider good friends on this site and to be honest I wouldnt feel comfortable swinging with then purely because of that...
Also I have male friends who would fit Shireens criteria and similarly I wouldnt feel comfortable with her swinging with them either..
But that said...
There is no way I would go to meet a woman or couple without getting to know them just a little even though I would be meeting them as a solo guy......I suppose as a single guy I shouldnt be that way but I have standards(for want of a better word) and unless people suit what I am looking for both physically and in terms of personality etc then there is no way I would contemplate meeting them...
Dunno if it makes sence to you but it does to me..

30 May 2006

Quote by fabio grooverider
so intelligence and conversation are two biggies (probably because i am thick as two planks sometimes....)

Excuse me, is this the man who's weblog is a breath of fresh air in the field of writing? You are not thick. Most definitely not!

30 May 2006

Quote by westerross
Last week I learnt something.
What I learnt is that, even though Iâ€™m straight, I certainly do not want sex with any woman. This might sound obvious but I have analysed what lies behind that statement for me.
I realised that the big turn-on for me is engaging with a woman or couple for whom I have respect. It has to be someone to whom I really wish to give pleasure, hopefully in the most subtle and giving way.
The prospect of making someone like that feel special is, to me, the ultimate turn-on.
Does anybody understand what I mean? What is it that turns your screw (so to speak) then?

Tend to agree TE - sex for sex's sake isn't for us. Having safe, sexy fun with people we really like is another matter altogether however. We like the idea of taking genuine and respectful friendships further so no quick bareback shags with strangers for us.

30 May 2006

Tune
Very good thread but brings out all my anxieties about swinging - I have made some good friends on here and I know I could not swing with them! As Gem says - what if you dont enjoy the experience - could you tell them and still remain friends? No I dont want to play with my long term friends.
Now there is to me a difference between long term friends and swinging friendships and after 2 and a half years I am aware of the difference. Long term friends are the people who have kept in contact with me and me back over that time period and its a very very small number of people off this site. I like lots of people on this site but they are not my long term friends - does that make sense??????????
What concerns me is that as with any site you are bound to end up with someone who has played with someone else who may or may not have had a good experience and people talk (that includes me redface

). Now what starts off as playing and friendship can turn into something else and then people start to treat playing as if its a 'relationship' ( I have done this ) and thats what I think can be a problem.
Playing is just that and sometimes I am not sure that we should dress it up too much as peoples expectations can be raised and then emotions get caught up and I have enough emails from people and sent my own to know what being hurt looks like and I have also hurt back. All of that was in the name of playing - so what went wrong? Well in my opinion, with me I thought I had some kind of ownership over someone else when in fact I had none at all.
Now as you know Tune I have only dipped my one toe into swinging lol so I am not the best example lol.
I am now in a brilliant relationship and we are far too busy getting to know each other that playing is not on the cards. However, never say never but if it did I know personally it would likely be with people not from this site.
Corrie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

30 May 2006

Wow! This last post comes from someone I've never met but from someone whom I respect unquestionably.
There's too much in here for me to assimilate sensibly at the moment so I'll have to come back to it. I shall return.

30 May 2006

Quote by westerross
Wow! This last post comes from someone I've never met but from someone whom I respect unquestionably

If you do, I hope you have a while. You think I can talk? You have yet to meet the most talkative lady I know :lol2:

30 May 2006

Who would that be then Dawn?? confused