Well, it's Friday again, and time to unwind ! Here's my contribution....
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at thesky and tell me what you see"
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars"
"What does that tell you?" enquired Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow. What does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, some bastard has stolen our tent"
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It's Friday Joke time again !!
A teacher was explaining how a double negative, when spoken, always gives a positive. 'This,' he said, 'is true in every language accross the world. However, there is no example in any culture where a double positive gives a negative!' Looking proud, the teacher sits down, and there's a short silence, followed by a sarcastic voice: 'Yeah, right.'
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 
:D :D :DInsurance Claims
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
7. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
8. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
9. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
10. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
11. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
12. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
13. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
14. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
16. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
17. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
18. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
19. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
20. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
22. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
7. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
8. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
9. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
10. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
11. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
12. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
13. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
14. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
16. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
17. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
18. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
19. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
20. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
22. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
A country joke from your Rural Correspondent:
Lord Haversham woke, looking forward to a day's hunting. Looking out of the window, he saw that it was pouring with rain. 'Bugger' he exclaimed.
A couple of hours later, he awakened his wife:
'Come on Penelope, time to saddle the horses and bag a couple of foxes, what!!'.
Lady Penelope, upon rising and noticing the attrocious weather, immediately declined:
'Bugger the hounds and the hunting, I'm not going out in that weather!!'. The old Lord looked miffed.
'Well, OK my dear, but you do realise that if you refuse to go you'll have to pay the usual forfeit?'.
Lady Penelope looked disgusted but eventually agreed: 'Yes Henry, I'll give you the bloody blow-job'.
After she was done, she looked up with a face wrinkled in disgust. 'Bloody Hell, Henry, the old todger tastes just like dog shit!!'.
'I know', the old Lord replied. 'Bloody hounds didn't want to go hunting either!!'
Lord Haversham woke, looking forward to a day's hunting. Looking out of the window, he saw that it was pouring with rain. 'Bugger' he exclaimed.
A couple of hours later, he awakened his wife:
'Come on Penelope, time to saddle the horses and bag a couple of foxes, what!!'.
Lady Penelope, upon rising and noticing the attrocious weather, immediately declined:
'Bugger the hounds and the hunting, I'm not going out in that weather!!'. The old Lord looked miffed.
'Well, OK my dear, but you do realise that if you refuse to go you'll have to pay the usual forfeit?'.
Lady Penelope looked disgusted but eventually agreed: 'Yes Henry, I'll give you the bloody blow-job'.
After she was done, she looked up with a face wrinkled in disgust. 'Bloody Hell, Henry, the old todger tastes just like dog shit!!'.
'I know', the old Lord replied. 'Bloody hounds didn't want to go hunting either!!'
