While walking down the street one day a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules.." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." She reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the lad for ages. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night he shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
He goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and he is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'you never said you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'You never said your father was a pharmacist.'
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the lad for ages. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night he shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
He goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and he is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'you never said you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'You never said your father was a pharmacist.'
Sexlightened
A blind man goes for a job as a 'wood grader'.
At the interviw the foreman says you cannot do the wood grader job as you are blind.
The blind man explains that he can do the job perfectly as he has such a keen sense of smell and that his nose is able to detect all the wood types.
The forman says he will have to test him and takes him to the wood shed. He takes out a large sheet of wood - the blind man taks in a big sniff of it and pronounces "Swedish pine 1989"
The forman said you just got lucky there and produces another test sheet - the blind man taks another big sniff and pronounces "Northumberland Oak 1976"
He was spot on again so the foreman give him the job and goes into the office to do the paperwork. His secretary is hard at work on her PC. The forman explains to her that he has someone for the wood grader porsition and explains how good the blind man is. The secretay says lets have a laough with him - i'll lay on the desk with my knickers down and get him to sniff this.
The forman calls the blind man for this one last test. The secretary lays knickerless on the desk with her legs wide blind man taks another big sniff and pronounces'
"I can't quite put a date on it but I think it is the bog door from a trawler".
At the interviw the foreman says you cannot do the wood grader job as you are blind.
The blind man explains that he can do the job perfectly as he has such a keen sense of smell and that his nose is able to detect all the wood types.
The forman says he will have to test him and takes him to the wood shed. He takes out a large sheet of wood - the blind man taks in a big sniff of it and pronounces "Swedish pine 1989"
The forman said you just got lucky there and produces another test sheet - the blind man taks another big sniff and pronounces "Northumberland Oak 1976"
He was spot on again so the foreman give him the job and goes into the office to do the paperwork. His secretary is hard at work on her PC. The forman explains to her that he has someone for the wood grader porsition and explains how good the blind man is. The secretay says lets have a laough with him - i'll lay on the desk with my knickers down and get him to sniff this.
The forman calls the blind man for this one last test. The secretary lays knickerless on the desk with her legs wide blind man taks another big sniff and pronounces'
"I can't quite put a date on it but I think it is the bog door from a trawler".
Warming the Bed
A man staggers into A&E covered in cuts and bruises, 2 black eyes a broken arm and a 5 iron wrapped around his head.
DR asks, what happened to you?
Man replies: Well Dr, i was playing golf with my wife and on the 7th tee we both managed to slice our golf balls into a cow field, we both went to look for our balls and i found one wedged in a cow's fanny,
I yelled to my wife " this one looks like yours"
And i don't remember much after that really.....
DR asks, what happened to you?
Man replies: Well Dr, i was playing golf with my wife and on the 7th tee we both managed to slice our golf balls into a cow field, we both went to look for our balls and i found one wedged in a cow's fanny,
I yelled to my wife " this one looks like yours"
And i don't remember much after that really.....
Warming the Bed
in the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordhsire lives a woman called Sue Lykes. She is the landlady of the local pub "the cock inn" so all her mail arrives addressed as follows:-
Sue Lykes
The Cock Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts
if i was her i'd either change my name or move!!!
Sue Lykes
The Cock Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts
if i was her i'd either change my name or move!!!
Sex God
NBC TV distribution has been warned that in the current tense international climate some cartoons may need extra care when distributing to certain areas of the world.
As an example the the inhabitants of Dubai do not find the character of Fred Flintstone in any way offensive , but Abu Dhabi do.
As an example the the inhabitants of Dubai do not find the character of Fred Flintstone in any way offensive , but Abu Dhabi do.
Sex God
The United States Secretary of Defense was giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were
“OH NO!†the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!â€
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?â€
“OH NO!†the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!â€
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?â€
A young boy goes into his parents room late at night and he sees them shagging.
The kid says to his dad " what are you doing?"
"We're making you a little brother or sister" is his dads reply...
" well couldnt you turn her over and do her doggy style... id prefer a puppy instead" says the lad.
The kid says to his dad " what are you doing?"
"We're making you a little brother or sister" is his dads reply...
" well couldnt you turn her over and do her doggy style... id prefer a puppy instead" says the lad.
a woman comes home from work to find her husband blow drying his penis,
"what on earth are you doing " she says,
he replies "just heating up your dinner love"
..................................................
wife says to her husband "you make love like you decorate"
"oh" her husband replies "yu mean slowely and professionally?"
"no" she says " because i have to finish the job off myself"
xx fem xx
"what on earth are you doing " she says,
he replies "just heating up your dinner love"
..................................................
wife says to her husband "you make love like you decorate"
"oh" her husband replies "yu mean slowely and professionally?"
"no" she says " because i have to finish the job off myself"
xx fem xx
Sex God
An ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire
that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy
now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire
that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy
now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.
Sex God
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to goup there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh....yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said .. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do and I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly..
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh....yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said .. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do and I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly..
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
A husband goes into the bedroomand ask his wife if she would do ahand stand naked in front of the full length mirror,
she thought about it, think it a bit kinky but agreed,
so she did it ,
the husband walked over to her and pull her legs apart then put his chin on her pussy and said,
'the lads at the pub were right agoatee would suit me'.
she thought about it, think it a bit kinky but agreed,
so she did it ,
the husband walked over to her and pull her legs apart then put his chin on her pussy and said,
'the lads at the pub were right agoatee would suit me'.
LOL Fluff
The Chief Exec of an NHS trust discovers they have a Psychiatric care team. Seeing an opportunity to cut costs he phones the Head of the Psychiatric team and asks how they decide when a patient is so out of touch with reality they need to be admitted to hospital.
Easy says the shrink, we show them a bath of water and then give them a bucket and a spoon and ask them to empty the bath.
Ahhh says the Chief Exec and the sane ones use the bucket.
No says the shrink the sane ones pull the plug out ---would you like a room with a view?
The Chief Exec of an NHS trust discovers they have a Psychiatric care team. Seeing an opportunity to cut costs he phones the Head of the Psychiatric team and asks how they decide when a patient is so out of touch with reality they need to be admitted to hospital.
Easy says the shrink, we show them a bath of water and then give them a bucket and a spoon and ask them to empty the bath.
Ahhh says the Chief Exec and the sane ones use the bucket.
No says the shrink the sane ones pull the plug out ---would you like a room with a view?
Spring is here and our native birds are finding food scarce, please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.
There is no finer sight on a spring morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack.
Just remember however its a bit early in the year to expect a swallow.
There is no finer sight on a spring morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack.
Just remember however its a bit early in the year to expect a swallow.
A man goes to confession and sais 'forgive me father, last night I made love to twins, half my age and in positions I think are illegal, over and over again'.
The priest thinks for a few minutes and replies 'buy seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, drink it'.
'will this cleanse me of my sin?' asked the man.
'No, replies the priest 'but it will wipe that fucking smile off your face'
The priest thinks for a few minutes and replies 'buy seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, drink it'.
'will this cleanse me of my sin?' asked the man.
'No, replies the priest 'but it will wipe that fucking smile off your face'
Bloke walks into a pub and asks the barman for 12 whisky's. The barman lines them up and watches him knock them back. "bloody hell mate, what's the celebration?"
"Ive just had my first blow job" he replies.
"Congratulations" sais the barman, "let me buy you another"
"Fuck that, if 12 doesn't take the taste away, 13 aint gonna!"
"Ive just had my first blow job" he replies.
"Congratulations" sais the barman, "let me buy you another"
"Fuck that, if 12 doesn't take the taste away, 13 aint gonna!"
Great stuff Minxy!ty cherrytree xx here's another 
Paddy on death row is given the chance to be either shot, hung or injected with the aids virus.
He thinks it over and sais "give me the aids stuff."
They inject him and he rolls round on the floor laughing. The warden says "what's so bloody funny?"
Paddy replies "I'm wearing a condom!"
Paddy on death row is given the chance to be either shot, hung or injected with the aids virus.
He thinks it over and sais "give me the aids stuff."
They inject him and he rolls round on the floor laughing. The warden says "what's so bloody funny?"
Paddy replies "I'm wearing a condom!"
OK this is not a joke, but I like it.
Blurfelt spoke, “Welcum Mr Bond. It is good we have put aside are
Blurfelt continued to run his hand over the shaggy mass in his lap. “Nice said 007.
Fatima blushed, but managed to strike a pose. She had just emerged from the shower and was standing behind Blurfelt. Bond continued to gaze at Fatima. Blurfelt sensing something quickly turned to see what Bond was looking at. As he did Pussy’s teeth cut across Blurfelt’s cock. Blurfelt cursed and put his hand to his bleeding rod, then wished he had not.
Pussy Galore had never bitten a man while giving him a BJ before. Bond smiled to himself. Partly because anyone who planed to die bromide tablets blue and hand them out to men at the SH annual general meet, and partly because Blurfelt was not going to be doing anything tonight.
Pussy Galore was standing horrified at what she had done to Blurfelt, but showing off her airstrip to good effect. Bond planed to make some landing to night. He had saved the male SHers from a terrible fate, now it was time for his reward.
Blurfelt spoke, “Welcum Mr Bond. It is good we have put aside are
Blurfelt continued to run his hand over the shaggy mass in his lap. “Nice said 007.
Fatima blushed, but managed to strike a pose. She had just emerged from the shower and was standing behind Blurfelt. Bond continued to gaze at Fatima. Blurfelt sensing something quickly turned to see what Bond was looking at. As he did Pussy’s teeth cut across Blurfelt’s cock. Blurfelt cursed and put his hand to his bleeding rod, then wished he had not.
Pussy Galore had never bitten a man while giving him a BJ before. Bond smiled to himself. Partly because anyone who planed to die bromide tablets blue and hand them out to men at the SH annual general meet, and partly because Blurfelt was not going to be doing anything tonight.
Pussy Galore was standing horrified at what she had done to Blurfelt, but showing off her airstrip to good effect. Bond planed to make some landing to night. He had saved the male SHers from a terrible fate, now it was time for his reward.
