Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly,
deeply
and
> passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship
until
> one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.
>
> "We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.
>
> "Why?" gasped Douglas.
>
> "Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you
are a
> mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of
> crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can
only
walk
> sideways."
>
> Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness
to
> drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
>
> That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came
from
far
> and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused
to
join
> in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
>
> Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in.
>
> The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the
Lobster
> King rose from his throne.
>
> Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the
floor....
> and all could see that he was walking, not sideways but FORWARDS
>
> Yes, FORWARDS, one claw after another!!
>
> Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked
the
> King lobster in the eye.
>
> There was a deadly hush..................................
>
>
>
>
> This lasted quite a while...........................
>
>
>
>
>
> Finally, the crab spoke....................
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "F**k, I'm pissed."
>
>
First, I really hope this doesn't piss off all of the lovely, charming, witty, intelligent blonde ladies here....
A blonde phones her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosties back in the box..."
Two Ladies having been on a night out were walking home and desperately needed to wee.
They went into the local churchyard....being no toilet paper handy one used her knickers and threw them other grabbed a ribbon from a nearby wreath.
Their Husbands were talking the next day...One said I think were gonna have to keep an eye on our wives mine came home with no knickers last night!
The other replied you think thats bad, mine came home with a card stuck in her bottom
saying "From all the lads at the Fire Station we will never forget you"
Travelling by rail recently I was awaiting my train when the announcer came on
" the next train arriving on platform 4 is the to london Euston"
fearing for my life I leapt from the platform onto the railway where I was immediately mown down by an intercity 125
When will Railway announcers get it right?
A guy is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts “Could you fix the Fridge door? It won’t close “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead? I don’t think
“Fine!†she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to
“Does it look like I’ve got Ronseal written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of this, I’m going to the pub!†So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?â€
“Well†she says, “when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice and very handsome young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with
“So, what kind of cake did you bake him?â€, he asked.
She replied: “HELLO!!?... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead?............I don’t think so!!"
bloke goes into the library and asks if he can borrow a book on suicide!?!
librarian replies.... piss off you'll never bring it back!!
:therethere: :therethere: Im off to see if I can remember any jokes.
Now that wasn't so hard was it.
To be honest I would of done it for you if you asked nicely.
Matt! ya fecker! you just trying to get me into bother or wot????
<<< wanders off sadly shaking his head, wondering what he's just done!!! >>>
neil x x x x
You want jokes????????????????????????????????
Heres a collection, some sad, some dirty, some just plain CRAP!!
1) Little girl goes into a barbers and stands next to the chair eating a cake. "You gonna get hair on your muffin" says the barber. "i know," replies the girl, "i'm gonna get tits too!!"
2) Teacher: "john, why is your cat at school today?"
John (crying) "i heard the postman say to my mom.... "when the kid goes to school i'm gonna eat your pussy!"
3) This is particulaly appropriate due to the nature of this site................................
2 couples decide to swap partners. After 3 hours of hot passionate sex,one says, "f**k, that was good, i wonder how the girls are doing?"
4) "Dad, i've just had sex for the first time!"
"Thats great son," says Dad taking 2 beers out of the fridge. "Any questions?"
"Yeah, how long will my ass hurt?"
5) A cannibal is found crying next to a huge pile of poo. "Whats the matter?" a passer by asks. "I've just dumped my girlfriend!!" sniffs the cannibal.
6) I'm at the police station, been done for drink driving. The urine sample was positive so i nicked it. Now theyre doin me for takin the piss!!!!
7) Last night, i lay looking at the stars, the beautiful sky and the horizon, suddenly i thought....................................... WHERE THE F**K IS MY ROOF??????????????
8) A train is about to crash. A virgin strips off and shouts "Can anyone make me feel like a woman before i die?"
So a man takes off his clothes and says "Iron these, love!!"
9) Jesus said to John, "Come forth and I'll give you eternal life." John came 5th and won a toaster.
10) Mary had a little lamb, it ran into a pylon. Ten thousand volts went up its butt and turned its wool to nylon!
11) The Grand old duke of york, he had ten thousand men, and when he had the energy he had them all again!!
12) Little Girl.... "Mummy, i just found out the little boy next door has a penis like a peanut!!"
Mummy......." Why, cos its small?"
Little Girl......"No, its salty!!!"
13) Larry La Prise who wrote the Hokey Cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in..... then the fun started!!!
14) A child walks past parents bedroom and thinks "JEEZ!!!! and they think i need to see a psychologist for sucking my thumb!!"
Thanks for reading, hope you found at least a couple of these funny, i know i did!!!!!
Luv and hugz,
Lou!
xxxxxxx
well neil,
what do you think
nike have launched a new trainer for lesbians calle nike dykes.
they have a very long tongue and only need one finger to get them off!!!
:therethere: :therethere:
Helps me break the ice by being able to have a joke as my first post...
Two dwarves are out on the town and decide to pick up a couple of prostitutes and take them back to their hotel.
Back at the hotel they go into their rooms withe the women. Unfortunately the first dwarf cant get a hard on no matter what the woman does to himand spends the night depressed. His humour isn't helped by the fact that all he can hear from his friend's room next door is his friend shouting "One, two, three ugghhh" all night long.
The first dwarf is downtairs at breakfast the following day when his friend joins him.
"How was it?", asked the second dwarf.
"Feckin awful!", said the first. "I couldn't get a hard on all night!"
"You think that is depressing", said the second dwarf.."I couldn't even get on the bleedin bed!"
If Nola can do it, so can I :twisted:
I'm not good at jokes but I'm sure there are folks out there who have some.
Dunno why I bother, Wasted I am! :roll:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:
hwoar: