For those of you with children older than about 6 or 7, this should raise a giggle!
For those of you with children this age, this is not funny, not funny at all.
For those of you with children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog lead over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with two sticks even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego pieces can pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject peanut butter sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what the odour is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on - plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.
Join the most popular community of UK swingers now
Login
Kids, eh?
Orgasminator
I'd just found the brake fluid when I read number 25! 
Mod
That's a classic, Lucifer! 
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Mal
:lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Mal
:lol:
to INNOVATOR and :welcome: to the nuthouse.
Orgasminator
Bloody hilarious.
Very probably true as well.
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Harry0
Very probably true as well.
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Harry0
Master of Sex
the one about the vcr
Very funny and certainly true..
When my son was about 5 I heard him get up about 7 am. Heard him go downstairs and then rush back up. Heard him go into the bathroom.
I asked " What are you doing"
" Getting my boats"
Thought I had better get up and followed him downstairs. Horror of horrors - he's playing with his boats on the living room carpet!!!! They were floating rather well.
To bring this to closure. What he'd done the night before was to leave the bathroom sink taps on, the plug in and the overflow blocked up with a flannel.
Oh, how we laughed
Paul
When my son was about 5 I heard him get up about 7 am. Heard him go downstairs and then rush back up. Heard him go into the bathroom.
I asked " What are you doing"
" Getting my boats"
Thought I had better get up and followed him downstairs. Horror of horrors - he's playing with his boats on the living room carpet!!!! They were floating rather well.
To bring this to closure. What he'd done the night before was to leave the bathroom sink taps on, the plug in and the overflow blocked up with a flannel.
Oh, how we laughed
Paul
Mod
when my son was about 5, he had a tendency to pick up our cat and carry her around in a not very comfortable fashion. This was not always appreciated by said cat and quite often she would show her displeasure by giving him a few scratches.
One paticular day he came running through the house screaming because said cat had done her duty and scratched him. Eventualy he was placated and buggered off to play. Said cat nowhere in sight.
The following morning, whilst laid in bed, number one son comes in and I asked him why said cat had scratched him the day before. His reply was 'she didn't want to go in the freezer'!
Having not seen the cat since the day before, I leapt out of bed and rushed down 2 flights of stairs, straight to the chest freezer, opened the lid and saw............................................. fish fingers! What a relief ! I had expected to see a very stiff said cat looking up at me with a haunted frozen look, but fortunately the scratches had been as she had escaped
She turned up later when food was around!
Mal
Kids, Eh! They say the first 30 years are the worst!!
One paticular day he came running through the house screaming because said cat had done her duty and scratched him. Eventualy he was placated and buggered off to play. Said cat nowhere in sight.
The following morning, whilst laid in bed, number one son comes in and I asked him why said cat had scratched him the day before. His reply was 'she didn't want to go in the freezer'!
Having not seen the cat since the day before, I leapt out of bed and rushed down 2 flights of stairs, straight to the chest freezer, opened the lid and saw............................................. fish fingers! What a relief ! I had expected to see a very stiff said cat looking up at me with a haunted frozen look, but fortunately the scratches had been as she had escaped
She turned up later when food was around!
Mal
Kids, Eh! They say the first 30 years are the worst!!
Speaking personally.
I am the mother of a teenager - I am amazed I have survived as long as I have in this world as it is OBVIOUS I know nothing and she knows everything.
We are at the stage that when we get an audible grunt in response to a question we regard it as a positive and polite answer!
And do teenagers really need to insulate the floor of the bedroom. She has a nice carpet - SOMEWHERE - however the ankle deep clothing forms good sound insulkation (I mistyped that and was going to correct it - however it seems far more apprpriate).
Mrs Peel x x
I am the mother of a teenager - I am amazed I have survived as long as I have in this world as it is OBVIOUS I know nothing and she knows everything.
We are at the stage that when we get an audible grunt in response to a question we regard it as a positive and polite answer!
And do teenagers really need to insulate the floor of the bedroom. She has a nice carpet - SOMEWHERE - however the ankle deep clothing forms good sound insulkation (I mistyped that and was going to correct it - however it seems far more apprpriate).
Mrs Peel x x
Sex God
that is the funniest thing i have read in ages,
the child of my mate made a boat for her gerbil and put it sailing in the bath!
the child of my mate made a boat for her gerbil and put it sailing in the bath!
Sex God
My two adolecent kids have not been any trouble really.
A few things my son has done when he was younger were,
Decided to draw on my new pale carpet with lipstick :shock:
Use my newly bought perfume as air freshner !
Put a whole container of talc on himself and the poor dog, came down the stairs looking like ghosts, poor dog was cringing behind my son.
Boys are bottomless pits where food is concerned. Very early one morning in the freezer as he's feeling peckish, he decided to open a mousse with all the trimmings.
I only found the evidence when I got up. Not one or two but six !!!! containers were in the bin ,he could only eat the cream as the rest was still frozen.
O another one....
At a family members wedding, liking icing, he ate all the icing off the cake pieces that were being saved for friends that could not attend. His worried look when he found out that it wasn't our cake ,we were bringing it home as there was no room in the other cars.
Don't you just love them..
A few things my son has done when he was younger were,
Decided to draw on my new pale carpet with lipstick :shock:
Use my newly bought perfume as air freshner !
Put a whole container of talc on himself and the poor dog, came down the stairs looking like ghosts, poor dog was cringing behind my son.
Boys are bottomless pits where food is concerned. Very early one morning in the freezer as he's feeling peckish, he decided to open a mousse with all the trimmings.
I only found the evidence when I got up. Not one or two but six !!!! containers were in the bin ,he could only eat the cream as the rest was still frozen.
O another one....
At a family members wedding, liking icing, he ate all the icing off the cake pieces that were being saved for friends that could not attend. His worried look when he found out that it wasn't our cake ,we were bringing it home as there was no room in the other cars.
Don't you just love them..
being smug i though id got very plesent children, spent all those years teaching them to get dressed, talk, walk etc, then the teenage years apporached, she forgot how to talk, can only now grunt, im so pleased that shes even got out of bed ,when she does get dressed although its so bad, i dare not say anything for fear of losing her to the bedroom again. and after years of walking shes developed a stoop, ahhhh , got it all to come agian when the 10 year old reaches her teens, 
all said and done the water bill drops, but then the phone bill rises :doh:
all said and done the water bill drops, but then the phone bill rises :doh: Aaahhhhhh they joys of parenthood....... 
We have a 9yr old lad and a 6 yr old girl (going on 25).... The lad is fine as long as he is sat infront of a pc, ps2 or a gameboy advance..... But the girl!!
Just a couple of little gems for you below.......
"Mum I have been praying for King Henry 8th cause he was kind, generous and ONLY had 6 wives!!" You can imagine the look she got from me for that little gem.....
"Joseph and Mary are my favourites in the nativity play, I like Mary cause she is the mother of god ( :shock: ) and I like Joseph cause he is a carpenter and makes wonderful carpets"..............
"God invented rulers so we can draw straight!!"
Conversation between mother and daughter....
D - Mum I want ****
M - I want doesn't get, you should always remember your manners..
D - Mum I want ****
M - I want doesn't get, you should always remember your manners..
D - Mum I want ****
M - I want doesn't get, you should always remember your manners..
D - Mum I want ****
M - I want doesn't get, you should always remember your manners..
D - Mum I want ****
M - I dont give a shit what you want you are not getting it....
Following day.....
D - Mum I want ****
M - I want some peace and quiet..
D - I dont give a shit what you want, I want ***...
Wonders where she gets it from :confused2:Oh if anyone wants an introdution into parenthood...... Give us a call I'll lend you mine!!!..... If thats not the perfect contraception I dont know what is..... :giggle:
We have a 9yr old lad and a 6 yr old girl (going on 25).... The lad is fine as long as he is sat infront of a pc, ps2 or a gameboy advance..... But the girl!!
Just a couple of little gems for you below.......
"Mum I have been praying for King Henry 8th cause he was kind, generous and ONLY had 6 wives!!" You can imagine the look she got from me for that little gem.....
"Joseph and Mary are my favourites in the nativity play, I like Mary cause she is the mother of god ( :shock: ) and I like Joseph cause he is a carpenter and makes wonderful carpets"..............
"God invented rulers so we can draw straight!!"
Conversation between mother and daughter....
D - Mum I want ****
M - I want doesn't get, you should always remember your manners..
D - Mum I want ****
M - I want doesn't get, you should always remember your manners..
D - Mum I want ****
M - I want doesn't get, you should always remember your manners..
D - Mum I want ****
M - I want doesn't get, you should always remember your manners..
D - Mum I want ****
M - I dont give a shit what you want you are not getting it....
Following day.....
D - Mum I want ****
M - I want some peace and quiet..
D - I dont give a shit what you want, I want ***...
Wonders where she gets it from :confused2:Oh if anyone wants an introdution into parenthood...... Give us a call I'll lend you mine!!!..... If thats not the perfect contraception I dont know what is..... :giggle:
Sex God
You just can't resist posting your kids' story can you.
I asked my two eldest boys what they wanted to be when they grew up. The eldest said he wanted to be a thief and his younger brother wanted to be a lollipop man.
The eldest is a banker and his brother is a business analyst - still 50 % ain't bad and we still have hope for the younger one!
I asked my two eldest boys what they wanted to be when they grew up. The eldest said he wanted to be a thief and his younger brother wanted to be a lollipop man.
The eldest is a banker and his brother is a business analyst - still 50 % ain't bad and we still have hope for the younger one!
