As you know folks, Santa's a busy man this time of the year. Not only is he busy with his elves, emptying his sack to get it ready for a whopping new load, but also Mrs Christmas is busying herself in the pantry with all kinds of electrical gadgets that whizz, buzz and generally make a lot of noise and leave her wanting more (or at least a new Argos catalogue).
(Yes this is a bit traditionally sexist, but since that is currently en-vogue at the moment and political correctness hasn't extended to the North Pole yet, and I should know because I saw Clarkson there one time taking a dump whilst hanging off the back of a 4x4.)
Anyway, the upshot of this is, is that while Santa is busying himself and his workforce satisfying the wide-eyed, naivety of children. He doesn't really have too much time to devote to satisfying the needs of a collection of filth-mongerers, whores, perverts, deviants and feeble-minded misanthropes (thanks Staggers!).
Therefore he has asked me to collect any of your swinging/sexual-related Santa's wishlists here and he will in time, get round to answering them.
However, he does warn me that any attempts to pervert the course of this friendly announcement by asking if it would be alright for Rudolph to nibble playfully on your carrot while Santa empties his sack all over the bedroom, will be met with a spanked bottom and only a bag of sticks and coal on Christmas morning. (Which given the current cost of electricity and gas, will soon be worth more than the equivalent cost of platinum).
Letters should take the form,
"Dear Santa,
Please can I have (then proclaim your utterly, filthy ridden list of lust).
A brief explanation of why you require these things may be useful. These can be sexual, practical, medical, mental or simply because you are strange and have always had a fetish for performing deviant sexual acts with a bag of frozen runner beans and a 1974 Austin Allegro Haynes manual.
This should be followed by what Santa would receive in lieu of being able to procure the aforementioned items for you (there's no such thing as a free meal in Swinging Santa World). Then say goodbye in the traditional way.
If you are good boys and girls Santa will get back to you with an answer on here, sometimes within minutes, other times hours, and other times he'll just ignore you completely because he's wanking himself senseless over Tan's video again.
Anyway, over to you and remember, season's greetings. (Tips are accepted)
Santa's little Helper.
Rez
Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, For me.
I've been an awful good girl,
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa baby, a clitoral vibrator too, Light blue.
I'll wait up for you dear,
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight.
Think of all the fun I've missed,
Think of all the fellas that I've more than kissed,
Next year I could be ruder still
If you'd check off my Christmas list,
Boo doo bee doo.
Santa honey, I want my slot
Filled by a man who's real hot,
I've been an angel all year,
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa cutie, there's one thing that I really need, Thai beads.
And a glass dildo too,
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa baby, fill my stocking with David Becks for sex.
He can bring Posh to watch,
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight.
Come and trim my neat bikini,
Into a heart-shape, rub in some cream,
I really do believe in you,
Let's see if you believe in me,
Boo doo bee doo.
Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, my ring.
It needs BIoke's rimming technique,
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry to my bedroom tonight!
Dear Fluffy,
Thankyou for the letter I received today,
Thai beads, for your information, are so passe,
Beckham's gone, his groin has worn out,
Sucked to death by his missus trout pout.
Glass Dildo, I can do, but be careful, they splinter,
And they can freeze up your ovaries during the winter
A clitoral vibe in a shade of blue,
Is something that I can get for you.
But remember be green, use it wisely and well,
Don't use up all the batteries produced by Duracell
A man who is hot I heard when you spoke,
And thought, A role to be filled only by Bloke,
A man of fine letters, great taste and erotic art,
(Just be careful when rimming, not to squeak out a fart)
For Bloke's a great chap and kind I propose,
But he doesn't like lady-pops wafted straight up his nose.
I'd wax your bikini line but I fear that if I do,
After I'd finished we'd be knee-deep in Reindeer poo.
But I'll leave you some cream, or some scissors to trim,
Or a Black and Decker 450 so you can give them a strim.
You've been a good girl this year but just one thing,
You can certainly f*ck, but you can't fecking sing...
Love Santa
xxx
<<<sings>>> "It'll be lonely this Christmas..."
Faxed from the North Pole
<<<<Dear Santa,
Please can I have a fuck before the new year. A hard fast lust filled fuck and some nice cunnilingus would be good to.
I could really do with one as its been nearly 2 month and I fear that cobwebs may be rife.
If I get a fuck then I will make a new video especially for Santa (and Rez).
Name Withheld for privacy reasons x (Ed : Is this Ok Tankinky?)
PS Rudolph cant have any carrots this year because they will be other wise engaged, I will leave him some sweetcorn instead because that is rather rough >>>
Dear anonymous person who isn't Tankinky at all no matter what you think,
I'd happily drop off some cunnilingus, but it's such a mouthful. Besides the last time I went down on a lady, it was the Titanic and it didn't end up particularly well for either of us.
I'll deliver a tickling stick for the cobwebs and I'll bring one of my not-so-little elves with me for the "hard,fast lust fulled fick". He's got a devilish grin on his face and has been wielding his weapon with wanton abandon since I told him. I've had to take him off the production line because he was so excited he was doing unspeakable things with Barbie that made even Action Man blush.
Please ignore Rez Elf's comments about your video and my excessive consumption of it. I have merely watched it 20,000 times and have it playing on a loop on my security cams while I'm in the office. It's been wonderfully enjoyable to watch it, but I've made a right mess of my beard. I didn't know whether to wash it or chisel it out.
Anyway, I'm sending you something else, a big fat wodge of good luck next year. You won't see it, but it'll be there anyway.
Seasons Greetings.
Santa
xxx
(PS, Withdrawal of the video will result in a private prosecution for unspeakable cruelty to a fictional figure (Rez) and I'll smack your arse too with my Reindeer whupper!)
(PPS. For any Animal lovers, my Reindeer whupper is just used figuratively. No animals were harmed in the making of this post)
Dear Santa,
Grant my wish, and we can mingle :rascal:
Dear Santa,
I know it has been a while since as a child and I'm sorry for the amount of times I've laughed at that Kevin Bloody Wilson record. Btw I never did get me ******* bike!
All that aside and considering how guilty you must feel about letting me down in the past, I wondered if you could give this very last letter you will be receiving from me the utmost priority.
I am seriously going short of sexual encounters, and as a self confessed sex maniac cone dirty old man this is becoming a real problem. Please deliver to me a female, over 30, either fat tubby or curvaceous, a complete nymphomaniac who hopefully (though not compulsorily) likes anal sex.
I don't care if this woman is single married or divorced, as long as she can either accommodate or play outdoors, and doesn't want anything more than a casual relationship at best. If she is part of a couple and likes mmf's then that would be a bonus. There are also a number of things I haven't had the privilege of trying yet, if you could fit them in my stocking I'll leave you a good drink on Christmas Eve.
Btw I had my fireplace bricked up so don't come down my chimney, I'll leave my French doors open.
Many many thanks in advance, Brighton Geezer.
Dear santa
All i want of christmas is a large house with say 5 bedrooms and a large cellar/attic space,so that the space can be converted into a soundproof play room ..
And not forgetting some naughty surprises for my lovely partner..
Oh yes not forgetting a home sound system to die for LOL LOL LOL LOL....
Dear Kaz,
Viscous rumours eh? They are the worst, they just stick and stick around for ages and often leave a scummy residue. I feel for you I really do. A lot. Usually when looking at your photographs...
As for the nekkid gangbang at the station, at least we now know why the Virgin trains are always so late.
I'm afraid single bi-females are in short supply at the moment, many of the good ones have been getting all spliced up together and whatnot. It's so bad, I'm thinking of pretending I've a wife just so women are interested in me. But I have an idea...
I do have plenty of males available into all of those things and more. They come in a range of sizes and abilities ranging from the entirely cretinous specialist "Jeremy Kyle" range, up to the witty, erudite deluxe "Kenty" doll which not only gives you sexual satisfaction in every sense of the word, but can also fix any problem, anywhere in the world thanks to his wonderfully 'simple-logic'(tm) brain cell (which is run from a single wrist-watch battery).
Care of your Kenty is very simple. Feed him, let him play on his motorbike and breasts at least three times a day. Just don't let him read the Sun, Daily Mail or listen to Gaunty on the radio. If he does he becomes very excitable and does become liable to self-abuse in public and that is not an agreeable sight for refined company.
If you aren't tempted by that special offer, I'll throw another man in free. He say's his "chimney's blocked" but I'm not convinced. I've got his address here and I believe his flaps are open ready for me to enter. I'll leave his number in your stocking.
Just remember to take it off this year. ;-)
Seasonal felicitations!
Santa
xxx
p.s santa.......
is it too late to ask for one special treat? I need a boob job santa. I am going to a social on Saturday night and its a formal one well...ive just tried on my dress and now im worried I will have to pay 3 enterance fees for my boobs need tickets of thier own! so please santa you gave me my wish when i was 16 that i wanted big boobs and got them but TAKE THEM BACK??????
Dear Santa,
Can you please send me over three sexy elves ( the ones with the fake ears will do!!)
....... i know i'm not asking for much but it will sure make my first christmas in england for xx years a blooody good one and least that way i will have the heat from the bed to keep me warm
Regards
Gurly x x
it looks like i'm off to see santa at the north pole......
Address is...
69 Snowballing Close
Fleshy-Mounds-Cum-Quickly,
Lap-dance-land
FR1 DG3
:lol: 
:rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao: that'll do nicely thank you 
