15 Pieces of Advice to be passed onto your daughters, grandaughters and nieces
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
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Mum's advice to her daughters, grandaughters and nieces
Sex God
Many a true word is spoken in jest . . .
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Here is one that Wilma likes:
For those in the Sisterhood
1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty.... do it and die."
4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6. Amazing!! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
7. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
8. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
For those in the Sisterhood
1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty.... do it and die."
4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6. Amazing!! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
7. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
8. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
Sex God
Quote by ThraxYes, that has been noticed in these quarters too. Especially this one.....
eh, do I sense a degree of hostility towards us males here ladies........
Thrax
Quote by SapphoI shall have to think up a suitable forfeit.
Amen, sisters, Amen!
Sappho xxx
Will
Sex God
Quote by FredFlintstone
Here is one that Wilma likes:
For those in the Sisterhood
1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
:lol: :lol: This one is so true! I have it on a fridge magnet which my sister bought for me when my kids hit their teen years.
At least now the ones I gave birth to have flown the nest, but seems I'm stuck with the one I married :crazy:
Love's ya really Jon
Tracy-Jayne
Sex God
Quote by lucyslovely
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
HA! so you girlies finally admit it eh!!
Quote by Thrax
eh, do I sense a degree of hostility towards us males here ladies........
Thrax
Of course not Thrax! The gentlemen in our lives and in the forum are universally adored (well, okay there are exceptions that prove the rule), but there is a great deal of truth in Lucy's maxims which Redhot and I agreed with.
Mmm, do I detect a little male paranoia here? I hate to break it to you chaps, but to quote Redhot, there is indeed many a true word spoken in jest!
As for the Bard:
I shall have to think up a suitable forfeit.
You know I love it when you get all masterful, darling. That sense of male superiority does wonders for your ego particularly when you believe you have the upper hand. Oh, I can't wait for the forfeit - they're always such fun!
Sappho xxx
Too much imbalance in this thread - time a man stepped in and gave it some balance....
Anyone know where Arti is???????????????
REVENGE!
**********************************************
Please note that with the arrival of the new 'Drive-thru' cash point machines customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (Male or Female) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
1) Drive up to the cash machine.
2) Wind down your car window.
3) Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5) Retrieve card, cash, and receipt.
6) Wind up window.
7) Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1) Drive up to cash machine.
2) Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
3) Re-start the stalled engine.
4) Wind down the window.
5) Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6) Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.
7) Attempt to insert card into machine.
8.) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
9) Insert card.
10) Insert card the right way up.
11) Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12) Enter PIN.
13) Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14) Enter amount of cash required.
15) Re-check make up in rear view mirror.
16) Retrieve cash and receipt.
17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
18) Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19) Re-check make-up again.
20) Drive forwards 2 metres.
21) Reverse back to cash machine.
22) Retrieve card.
23) Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
24) Re-check make-up.
25) Restart stalled engine and pull off.
26) Drive for 3 to 4 miles.
27) Release hand brake.
Anyone know where Arti is???????????????
REVENGE!
**********************************************
Please note that with the arrival of the new 'Drive-thru' cash point machines customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (Male or Female) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
1) Drive up to the cash machine.
2) Wind down your car window.
3) Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5) Retrieve card, cash, and receipt.
6) Wind up window.
7) Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1) Drive up to cash machine.
2) Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
3) Re-start the stalled engine.
4) Wind down the window.
5) Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6) Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.
7) Attempt to insert card into machine.
8.) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
9) Insert card.
10) Insert card the right way up.
11) Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12) Enter PIN.
13) Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14) Enter amount of cash required.
15) Re-check make up in rear view mirror.
16) Retrieve cash and receipt.
17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
18) Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19) Re-check make-up again.
20) Drive forwards 2 metres.
21) Reverse back to cash machine.
22) Retrieve card.
23) Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
24) Re-check make-up.
25) Restart stalled engine and pull off.
26) Drive for 3 to 4 miles.
27) Release hand brake.
Sex God
Go Fred Go!!!
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: Quote by Jags
You mean Wilma's allowed you a cash card? Thought it was part of your rehabilitation programme that you couldn't be given access to cash for 6 months??? :shock: :shock:
AND.. we can actually reach the cash machine too??? My oh my... you must be eating your greens now!
Careful there hun - otherwise I will have to tell everyone who it was that actually said my signature quote of the week?????????
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Sex God
Way to go Fred :happy: :happy: :happy:
Why do I always get stuck behind them at the cashpoint???
:x :x
In fairness to Jags (just so that she is not taken out of context) I think her actual words were something like......
"But you already have two balls in your hand. How many balls does one girl need?"
I still have orange juice coming down my nose!!
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Will
Still no better
Why do I always get stuck behind them at the cashpoint???
:x :xIn fairness to Jags (just so that she is not taken out of context) I think her actual words were something like......
"But you already have two balls in your hand. How many balls does one girl need?"
I still have orange juice coming down my nose!!
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Will
Still no better
ops: :oops: :oops: :lol: Sex God
Stop it!!!I am dying here!
Actually, Jags WAS being entirely innocent at the time. Of course, that just made it funnier. MUCH funnier!!!
Oh stop it - my ribs are hurting now and I am not well!
A poorly Will
Any volunteers to mop a (very) fevered brow?
Actually, Jags WAS being entirely innocent at the time. Of course, that just made it funnier. MUCH funnier!!!
Oh stop it - my ribs are hurting now and I am not well!
A poorly Will
Any volunteers to mop a (very) fevered brow?
Hi
just had the urge to join in....
What do you call 144 men in a room??
Gross stupidity!!
what do you call 6 men sat on each others sholders??
A scrotum pole
5 things to say to embarrass a naked man.....
1. if we water it will it grow? :idea:
2. and you had such big feet!! :cry:
3. i wonder if it will look bigger in natural light? :shock:
4. lets just kiss and cuddle!
5. shall we just be good friends??
(i'm glad i never had to say one of them to my hubby!!!)
soph XX
just had the urge to join in....
What do you call 144 men in a room??
Gross stupidity!!
what do you call 6 men sat on each others sholders??
A scrotum pole
5 things to say to embarrass a naked man.....
1. if we water it will it grow? :idea:
2. and you had such big feet!! :cry:
3. i wonder if it will look bigger in natural light? :shock:
4. lets just kiss and cuddle!
5. shall we just be good friends??
(i'm glad i never had to say one of them to my hubby!!!)
soph XX
Mod
Quote by eginhpos
5 things to say to embarrass a naked man.....
1. if we water it will it grow? :idea:
2. and you had such big feet!! :cry:
3. i wonder if it will look bigger in natural light? :shock:
4. lets just kiss and cuddle!
5. shall we just be good friends??
(i'm glad i never had to say one of them to my hubby!!!)
soph XX
Which ONE Soph?
Mal
:lol:
..... nudge nudge wink wink say no more!!!!