A Forum user has asked for the following to be posted anonymously because they believe that the comments should be viewed stand alone as opposed to being attributed to an individual.
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I have found during my time here and on other sites that chatting over the internet, be it in forums, chat rooms, MSN etc. can be a turbulent pastime.
You cannot truly judge the other person’s mood. There is no eye contact, there are no subtle differences in tone of voice. We don’t have the ability to measure and correct misunderstandings as you would if you were having a face-to-face conversation or even a phone call. We are unaware of what is going on in others lives and forget that they too may have families, jobs, mortgages and sick relatives, not to mention past and present issues. Of course emoticons may help to relay some moods.
Communicating using the written word, usually composed quickly and often in haste can lead to all sorts of invectives. A whole forum could be ruined like this. We write messages in our own private space, inside the head. It is almost like we are reflecting but have no outside consequences. We are generally unaware when we compose a post that they become permanent and although they seem at the time like passing thoughts of no consequence, they do become a permanent record of what in reality is experienced virtually.
I feel that the forum is a fragile environment, however it also shows that people can be involved in elaborate control of what they expose or reveal about themselves. It may be a selected or idealised part of their self. It is not so easy to pull this off in real life. I think that what people see themselves as on the net is a highly selective part of themselves.
We all know how hard it is to make that first post in a community that obviously know each other very well. It’s like being the new kid at school joining in the middle of a term. I don't think that there is much that can be done about it. People will either try to become a part of the community, or else they will sit in the shadows, probably reading, but not posting much.
However, a new user may join the forum and tries so hard to join in that they over compensate. Joining the forum with the attitude of “I am here, you WILL notice me†is not a desirable approach and can only lead to alienation by some members. They may try so hard to join a group that they change the nature of that group which may cause offence to some existing members.
A lot has to do with the character of the individual involved. Those that make the effort, will become part of things, and will reap the rewards from that.
Any large group of people will eventually become a clique, and there is nothing you can do about that. But, it is possible to make new people feel welcome and therefore limit the effects of the cliqueiness.
There are so many in-jokes and shared experiences that newcomers may feel trepidation at posting, or when they do, may take some time to feel involved. You wouldn’t walk into a group of old friends and expect to be part of the history that has gone on. That said I think that on the whole we are good at welcoming newcomers.
If we were to be described as a clique I would like to think of it as an open clique, although, I know some people may feel differently. All we can do is try to make new members welcome and hope they stay.
People form their own little groups of friends, that's only natural, but when it becomes clique-y and harmful, is when a group decides it's better than the rest, and delights in excluding people.
That I feel has never been done on here.
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My Thoughts on the Forum
A very good post ,I for one attempt to welcome every new person who registers.
I still feel like a newbie, I have only been a member since early Febuary but I have felt welcome and part of the site. I think a lot of people register make one or two postings and disappear for God knows how long only to re-appear some months later to add to a post. I am not saying there is anything wrong with that but there are members of the site that regularly post and interact and of course it creates a rapour with other regulars and can be interpreted as a clique.
I do not believe there is a clique of individuals everybody is very welcome to contribute to the site and I will continue to welcome all new members, we are all equal and can contribute as much or as little as we want., I may have posted too much in the hope of being accepted, I don't know but I have never felt unwelcome.
As is said we are not all perfect, domestic circumstances dictate and yes that can be forgotten in a virtual world.
I still feel like a newbie, I have only been a member since early Febuary but I have felt welcome and part of the site. I think a lot of people register make one or two postings and disappear for God knows how long only to re-appear some months later to add to a post. I am not saying there is anything wrong with that but there are members of the site that regularly post and interact and of course it creates a rapour with other regulars and can be interpreted as a clique.
I do not believe there is a clique of individuals everybody is very welcome to contribute to the site and I will continue to welcome all new members, we are all equal and can contribute as much or as little as we want., I may have posted too much in the hope of being accepted, I don't know but I have never felt unwelcome.
As is said we are not all perfect, domestic circumstances dictate and yes that can be forgotten in a virtual world.
EVERYBODY IGNORE THE DITZ!!
Ok, so if you could all develop amnesia i would be very grateful, it's me being stooooooooooooooooooooopid and oversensitive!! i apologise to the person who wrote it and am very hungry. humble pie anyone????
ops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:
Ok, so if you could all develop amnesia i would be very grateful, it's me being stooooooooooooooooooooopid and oversensitive!! i apologise to the person who wrote it and am very hungry. humble pie anyone????
ops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: Quote by dazandlou
EVERYBODY IGNORE THE DITZ!!
Ok, so if you could all develop amnesia i would be very grateful, it's me being stooooooooooooooooooooopid and oversensitive!! i apologise to the person who wrote it and am very hungry. humble pie anyone????
Don't worry. We all make mistakes - even us oldies
You could always go back and delete your post before anyone else reads it. 
Jessica
Well - what a tadooooo!
Lou - you made a post in response to the original posting because you took offence to it. It was I who posted it on behalf of a Forum member who thought that if their identity was known that it may colour peoples judgements.
You on the other hand were obviously feeling that it was aimed at you and fired a broadside! Good on you if you were right - you were defending yourself!
However I knew that the posting was not a personal one but a general one and when I pointed this out to you you must have wanted the ground to open up and swallow you because you had just done what the original posting had said - read into something that was not there and taken it personally!
So why should bring it up now? Certainly not to make you feel bad - I did offer you some cream to go with that slice of humble pie :wink: - but for us all to take away the lesson that what we read can have been written in one way and interpreted in another.
God on you Lou - admire you "spunk" if I am allowed to pen such a phrase myself. Just a shame you feel bad about it - coz I reckon that is one thing you will remember for a long time.
Keep on posting!
Fred
Lou - you made a post in response to the original posting because you took offence to it. It was I who posted it on behalf of a Forum member who thought that if their identity was known that it may colour peoples judgements.
You on the other hand were obviously feeling that it was aimed at you and fired a broadside! Good on you if you were right - you were defending yourself!
However I knew that the posting was not a personal one but a general one and when I pointed this out to you you must have wanted the ground to open up and swallow you because you had just done what the original posting had said - read into something that was not there and taken it personally!
So why should bring it up now? Certainly not to make you feel bad - I did offer you some cream to go with that slice of humble pie
:wink: - but for us all to take away the lesson that what we read can have been written in one way and interpreted in another.God on you Lou - admire you "spunk" if I am allowed to pen such a phrase myself. Just a shame you feel bad about it - coz I reckon that is one thing you will remember for a long time.
Keep on posting!
Fred
i might have to remove my pic from the avatar and put Daz's on there instead!! i dont want to be seen on SH's "most wanted" page, lol!!
honestly, i really am sorry ffor blowing up like that and i PROMISE it will never happen again lol!! Heather can beat me at the next Croydon (or Surrey anywhere) munch!!!
honestly, i really am sorry ffor blowing up like that and i PROMISE it will never happen again lol!! Heather can beat me at the next Croydon (or Surrey anywhere) munch!!!
Just a thought:
It appears to me that we are ALL 'newbies'. I doubt if more than a tiny handful are anywhere near celebrating their first 'anniversary'. So, let's all chill out and stop taking ourselves so seriously. I doubt if any of us have much to feel superior or precious about. Mark is the only true 'original'. and, if I may say so, not having had the pleasure, he seems just about the most modest, unassuming, even handed and altruistic individual on here. He has the original dummy, which he could have thrown out of the SH pram at any time...but he hasn't. So let's take a leaf out of Mark's book: we're all newbies, we're all different but we (should) all be friends...
Happy Easter playmates....
Take it easy, real life is just around the corner...
It appears to me that we are ALL 'newbies'. I doubt if more than a tiny handful are anywhere near celebrating their first 'anniversary'. So, let's all chill out and stop taking ourselves so seriously. I doubt if any of us have much to feel superior or precious about. Mark is the only true 'original'. and, if I may say so, not having had the pleasure, he seems just about the most modest, unassuming, even handed and altruistic individual on here. He has the original dummy, which he could have thrown out of the SH pram at any time...but he hasn't. So let's take a leaf out of Mark's book: we're all newbies, we're all different but we (should) all be friends...
Happy Easter playmates....
Take it easy, real life is just around the corner...
i spose if its retreivable you might as well show people what it said, lol!!! but i cant remember what it said but basically it was rude, lol!!
daz IS a saint and would be delighted to join the mens business but unfortunately a weekend in dorset becons with his in laws to be, lol!! we'll be back on tuesday though!!
See you all then!!!
daz IS a saint and would be delighted to join the mens business but unfortunately a weekend in dorset becons with his in laws to be, lol!! we'll be back on tuesday though!!
See you all then!!!
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: 
Sex God
Anonymity - why 
: :?: :?: Think about it!
Lou - don't feel so bad about your outburst.
: :?: :?: Think about it!Lou - don't feel so bad about your outburst.
Sex God
Your prerogative and your choice but, of course only you and the author are privy to that information, which does seem counterintuitive on a forum like this.
Still I'm not looking for an argument - it just seemed a little strange to me. It did cause some embarrassment.
Be happy all
:D
Still I'm not looking for an argument - it just seemed a little strange to me. It did cause some embarrassment.
Be happy all
:D Quote by westerross
Your prerogative and your choice but, of course only you and the author are privy to that information, which does seem counterintuitive on a forum like this.
Still I'm not looking for an argument - it just seemed a little strange to me. It did cause some embarrassment.
Be happy all
The purpose of this posting being anonymous is so that it can be read and judged purely on the content, and not coloured by the readers pre-conceptions of the author.
lhk
Kat
I woke up this morning with a blinding revelation - Kit was MOST pleased
Most of you who spend time on the site will realise that I do not often end up involved in the various conflicts that go on. Firstly because I do not like conflicts, secondly because I am a very reflective person, and by the time I have reflected, others have usually acted.
Bit of a story first.
I first joined this site as a single bloke with one purpose. To see if this was a suitable way for Kit and I to explore our sexuality. It was not to find swinging partners, it was to talk to other swingers to see if we WANTED to be swingers. My first priority was a safe, pressure free environment. I found that here. My second priority was to be challenged about my motives for being here. I wanted people to ask me the difficult questions that I had not even thought of. I found that here
I have reflected on why I felt it was a safe environment. There is no vetting of members, there are no fees, there are no restrictions whatsoever on who can join the site. The only thing I found was the attitudes and behaviours of those who were members at that time. This was what made the site feel safe.
In order to Swing, Kit and I are overturning 20 years of pre-conceived ideas about relationships and marriage. We are challenging everything that we have ever been told about how a marriage should work. To do this, we have had to think long and hard about what we want, what we believe, and what we feel.
The recurring complaint about the site seems to be that the attitude and behaviours of the established membership makes the site difficult to access. It makes people stop and think long and hard about whether this is a forum they want to contribute to.
This is exactly what I did when I joined the site, and exactly what I want others to do. I WANT people to look at the site, and think long and hard "Do I really want to do this?"
When we meet single blokes for a Swinging Session, I want to know that they have considered and appreciate what it took for Kit and I to end up with them in that session, and I want them to know that we have done the same.
Others may feel that this is an over-complicated and pretentious approach to Swinging. To you, I say - tough shit. This is our way.
It would be naive to try and pretend that this site is not exclusive. It is. That is the way it is intended to be, that is why I joined, why I felt it was safe for Kit, why we stay, and it is the way I want to keep it. It is NOT intended as a 'One size fits all' recreational sex site.
lhk
Kat
Most of you who spend time on the site will realise that I do not often end up involved in the various conflicts that go on. Firstly because I do not like conflicts, secondly because I am a very reflective person, and by the time I have reflected, others have usually acted.
Bit of a story first.
I first joined this site as a single bloke with one purpose. To see if this was a suitable way for Kit and I to explore our sexuality. It was not to find swinging partners, it was to talk to other swingers to see if we WANTED to be swingers. My first priority was a safe, pressure free environment. I found that here. My second priority was to be challenged about my motives for being here. I wanted people to ask me the difficult questions that I had not even thought of. I found that here
I have reflected on why I felt it was a safe environment. There is no vetting of members, there are no fees, there are no restrictions whatsoever on who can join the site. The only thing I found was the attitudes and behaviours of those who were members at that time. This was what made the site feel safe.
In order to Swing, Kit and I are overturning 20 years of pre-conceived ideas about relationships and marriage. We are challenging everything that we have ever been told about how a marriage should work. To do this, we have had to think long and hard about what we want, what we believe, and what we feel.
The recurring complaint about the site seems to be that the attitude and behaviours of the established membership makes the site difficult to access. It makes people stop and think long and hard about whether this is a forum they want to contribute to.
This is exactly what I did when I joined the site, and exactly what I want others to do. I WANT people to look at the site, and think long and hard "Do I really want to do this?"
When we meet single blokes for a Swinging Session, I want to know that they have considered and appreciate what it took for Kit and I to end up with them in that session, and I want them to know that we have done the same.
Others may feel that this is an over-complicated and pretentious approach to Swinging. To you, I say - tough shit. This is our way.
It would be naive to try and pretend that this site is not exclusive. It is. That is the way it is intended to be, that is why I joined, why I felt it was safe for Kit, why we stay, and it is the way I want to keep it. It is NOT intended as a 'One size fits all' recreational sex site.
lhk
Kat
Well said. It`s good to see that caution is encouraged here. I`ve never been made to feel as though we are wasting anyone`s time because we are not quite ready to take the plunge. If I`m to be honest, I`m finding the company and characters of those who post regularly here far more interesting than the idea of shagging any of them! Making friends with like-minded people is much more important to me. The shagging will come in it`s own time 
Venusxxx
Venusxxx
:worship: blimey, what a pedestal to live up to, having looked at the posts on here it seems to us that at times there can be animosity and argument, debate and discussion, how do you know where to draw the line? opinions seem to differ so, yet, at times it all dengenerates into a silly joke or turns into a slanging match!
is that what it is like all the time or have we dropped in on an unsual period in the postings? not sure if we could deal with heated debates and the like, we just like to drink our scrumpy and have a good time
my round next, who'se for one?
rich + iris
is that what it is like all the time or have we dropped in on an unsual period in the postings? not sure if we could deal with heated debates and the like, we just like to drink our scrumpy and have a good time
my round next, who'se for one?
rich + iris
Glad to see nobody's offended anymore!! have just got back from our weekend away, my face isnt as red anymore, lol!!!!
Fred - As long is it's squirty cream i'll be there, lol!!!!!!
Oh, and well said Kat - This site IS exclusive, it's for all us important people in the country with an interesting view to spicing up their sex life!! Daz and i had long talks before joining, he's a lot more experienced than me and has always felt comfortable with stuff, and i had to really think about whether i was prepared to share something so intimate with other people! but since joining this site, i have never once felt pressured into meeting someone or even giving out certain information i'm not comfortable about giving!
WELL DONE SH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fred - As long is it's squirty cream i'll be there, lol!!!!!!
Oh, and well said Kat - This site IS exclusive, it's for all us important people in the country with an interesting view to spicing up their sex life!! Daz and i had long talks before joining, he's a lot more experienced than me and has always felt comfortable with stuff, and i had to really think about whether i was prepared to share something so intimate with other people! but since joining this site, i have never once felt pressured into meeting someone or even giving out certain information i'm not comfortable about giving!
WELL DONE SH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I joined SH chatroom in March and the Forum in June. I at first found it hard jumping head first into an established community.
After a lot of time, effort and lots of fun, I feel I have made valuable friends. Going to munches and parties cemented virtual friends into real ones.
"Cliquiness" is part of life whether you like it or not. You either accept it and get on with it or don't go there at all.
Can we please go back to the happy forum it once was before the bitching and back-stabbing took over.
After a lot of time, effort and lots of fun, I feel I have made valuable friends. Going to munches and parties cemented virtual friends into real ones.
"Cliquiness" is part of life whether you like it or not. You either accept it and get on with it or don't go there at all.
Can we please go back to the happy forum it once was before the bitching and back-stabbing took over.
Sex God
well it seems such a long time since i first read that thread, and it's less than 6 months? doesn't time fly! but what a damn good thread it is. essential reading for all of us i think.
cheers for the bump lou x x x x
n x x x
cheers for the bump lou x x x x
n x x x
Orgasminator
, First of all i,d like to accept the offer of a cider from intrinseca :cheers: secondly i,d like to say that we joined s/h in april and i started posting in the forum about august, in that time i,ve had a lot of fun...yes sometimes i feel i,m invisible but it,s only the way i feel because i,ve been shown a lot of respect, and i,m just immpatient to become part of the scene, but like everything else it takes time , but i,m sure there are some of you will have seen most of my posts by now, and slowly i,ll be part of it too!!! ( not that i don,t feel part of it now)the secret is just to join in and be recognised, you,re all a gr8 bunch of people,
sexyann57 & Bazxx :D
but it,s only the way i feel because i,ve been shown a lot of respect, and i,m just immpatient to become part of the scene, but like everything else it takes time , but i,m sure there are some of you will have seen most of my posts by now, and slowly i,ll be part of it too!!! ( not that i don,t feel part of it now)the secret is just to join in and be recognised, you,re all a gr8 bunch of people,sexyann57 & Bazxx
:D 
Sex God
Didn't see this thread before the bump. Before my time I think. I have to say I think posting anonymously was a very bad idea. If it's to "avoid any preconceived ideas" people might have, it has had, at least on me, the opposite effect. My reaction is not to read the post on its merit, as I would had it been attributed, but to wonder what the author has to hide, and on that basis, i take it less seriously than i would have done if the author had been up front.
Sex God
Quote by Ice Pie
Didn't see this thread before the bump. Before my time I think. I have to say I think posting anonymously was a very bad idea. If it's to "avoid any preconceived ideas" people might have, it has had, at least on me, the opposite effect. My reaction is not to read the post on its merit, as I would had it been attributed, but to wonder what the author has to hide, and on that basis, i take it less seriously than i would have done if the author had been up front.
ice pie, personally, i agree with pretty much the entire content, and fully understand why it was posted anonymously, but the bit i really applaud is this . . . . .
It was not to find swinging partners, it was to talk to other swingers to see if we WANTED to be swingers. My first priority was a safe, pressure free environment. I found that here. My second priority was to be challenged about my motives for being here. I wanted people to ask me the difficult questions that I had not even thought of. I found that here
I have reflected on why I felt it was a safe environment. There is no vetting of members, there are no fees, there are no restrictions whatsoever on who can join the site. The only thing I found was the attitudes and behaviours of those who were members at that time. This was what made the site feel safe.
In order to Swing, Kit and I are overturning 20 years of pre-conceived ideas about relationships and marriage. We are challenging everything that we have ever been told about how a marriage should work. To do this, we have had to think long and hard about what we want, what we believe, and what we feel.
The recurring complaint about the site seems to be that the attitude and behaviours of the established membership makes the site difficult to access. It makes people stop and think long and hard about whether this is a forum they want to contribute to.
This is exactly what I did when I joined the site, and exactly what I want others to do. I WANT people to look at the site, and think long and hard "Do I really want to do this?"
When we meet single blokes for a Swinging Session, I want to know that they have considered and appreciate what it took for Kit and I to end up with them in that session, and I want them to know that we have done the same.
some lessons for all of us in that post, newbie or established reg.
neil x x x x ;)
A very interesting first post in this thread, which brings up some points about commuication in the digital age.
The points about lack of face to face contact and the misinterpretability of plan text apply not just to us here, but to all forums on the net, to texts and even to 'snail mail'. Overcoming this limitation of the medium is not (I think) something that can be achieved by the poster of an individual message, but it's something that has to be done by the reader. It's a new social skill that we need to learn to make headway on the internet. I assume that our children, growing up in a world where texting and the internet isn't a new fangled craze, but a simple part of everyday life, will adapt more quickly to the medium, just as our generation learned to cope with the pervasiveness of the telephone (and it's attendant lack of visual cues) more quickly than past generations.
On the issue of cliques, every sufficiently busy forum semes to do this. I've seen similar threads on several forums covering subjects as diverse as a particular band, a brand of car, and restoring vintage musical instruments. Cliqueyness seems to me to be something that natrually happens when a social group gets beyond a certain size, it's simply human nature to cut down your immediate social circle to a manageable size, since we simply don't have the time to contribute to every thread or make friends with every newcomer. Previously, society has never had to deal with communities this large and this well connected. I believe the answer to the clique issue also lies with the new arriver, not the exisiting membership - not only because it's immensley difficult for a forum as a whole to decide to behave in a different way and then stick to it, but because 'joining a clique' is another new social skill that the digtal age requires us all to learn.
The points about lack of face to face contact and the misinterpretability of plan text apply not just to us here, but to all forums on the net, to texts and even to 'snail mail'. Overcoming this limitation of the medium is not (I think) something that can be achieved by the poster of an individual message, but it's something that has to be done by the reader. It's a new social skill that we need to learn to make headway on the internet. I assume that our children, growing up in a world where texting and the internet isn't a new fangled craze, but a simple part of everyday life, will adapt more quickly to the medium, just as our generation learned to cope with the pervasiveness of the telephone (and it's attendant lack of visual cues) more quickly than past generations.
On the issue of cliques, every sufficiently busy forum semes to do this. I've seen similar threads on several forums covering subjects as diverse as a particular band, a brand of car, and restoring vintage musical instruments. Cliqueyness seems to me to be something that natrually happens when a social group gets beyond a certain size, it's simply human nature to cut down your immediate social circle to a manageable size, since we simply don't have the time to contribute to every thread or make friends with every newcomer. Previously, society has never had to deal with communities this large and this well connected. I believe the answer to the clique issue also lies with the new arriver, not the exisiting membership - not only because it's immensley difficult for a forum as a whole to decide to behave in a different way and then stick to it, but because 'joining a clique' is another new social skill that the digtal age requires us all to learn.
