People who change...

20 Dec 2007

I often wonder why people change? I used to have a friend who was best friend as it were. She and I went everywhere together had our kids round about the same time, laughed and cried together, got fat and thin together, you name it. Then she changed. I'm not going to go into the whys and wherefores but I couldn't get over the change in her. She wasn't the same girl and I disliked what I saw. Eventually we went our seperate ways, sometimes we bump into each other but that's it.
I've noticed the same in here. People seem to change, they gain confidence or lose confidence and disappear for a while. Others develop an arrogance about them that I didn't notice before (or maybe I did but took no notice dunno

I just cannot understand why people change. Is it about life cycles or maturity? I always thought we were born with our personalities and that would remain the same, now I'm not so sure.
Sad really isn't it? sad

20 Dec 2007

I think I am forever changing... whether it is something I read.. or something that happens....everything around you is constantly changing... so you grow/adapt to it...
I don't see change as a bad thing... am I the same person with the same set of beliefs that I was when I stepped in here 3 and a half years ago... no, but I do think I have changed for the better, be that thru the people I have met... of the things I have seen... or the conversations I have had.....

20 Dec 2007

Quote by jaymar
I often wonder why people change? I used to have a friend who was best friend as it were. She and I went everywhere together had our kids round about the same time, laughed and cried together, got fat and thin together, you name it. Then she changed. I'm not going to go into the whys and wherefores but I couldn't get over the change in her. She wasn't the same girl and I disliked what I saw. Eventually we went our seperate ways, sometimes we bump into each other but that's it.
I've noticed the same in here. People seem to change, they gain confidence or lose confidence and disappear for a while. Others develop an arrogance about them that I didn't notice before (or maybe I did but took no notice
I just cannot understand why people change. Is it about life cycles or maturity? I always thought we were born with our personalities and that would remain the same, now I'm not so sure.
Sad really isn't it?

Everything we experience will change us to a greater or lesser degree, but some things are fundamental to our personalities and don't change … not really.
So I totally understand where you're coming from. With friends you expect the bonds to remain, but I've also noticed the way some people change in here. Sadly it's just like out there where people gain confidence, make new friends and for wahtever reason decide you don't fit into their lives any more.
It's very sad , and I didn't expect it to happen here, but it does.
:cry: :cry: :cry:

20 Dec 2007

I think that each and everyone of life's upheavals shapes us. If it (life) kicks you in the teeth enough times, you start to preempt it.
I've always been a trusting person. When a guy was trying to get me paralytic a while back, I told him that "nothing was going to happen" and believed him when he said "I wouldn't dream of it....." the events of the next few hours left me not trusting men. However- I soon came to realise that most of them weren't fuckwits, and went back to treating them accordingly.
A lot of people find themselves changed irreversibly. I was lucky not to be one of them, I far prefer my trusting nature.

20 Dec 2007

I don't think I've changed over the years, more like developed a confidence in myself and acceptance of who I am. It's something that comes with age and maturity. You tend to adapt to change better and are a bit more laid back about things.
People's feelings do change though, I've no doubt about that. I've seen a massive change in someone who used to be very close to me and they're almost unrecognisable as the person I knew and cared for a little while back.

20 Dec 2007

Quote by fabio
I think I am forever changing... whether it is something I read.. or something that happens....everything around you is constantly changing... so you grow/adapt to it...

Indeed!! :thumbup:
Change is a good thing. It means you are still learning and none of us can say we know everything, right?
I prefer the word "evolve".

20 Dec 2007

Personally I don't really think that people change ever.
Whats inside has always been inside, but in some cases the individual has just not discovered it, or in some cases has discovered it, but will choose to hide it from themselves and others.
Maybe another reason why I believe life is about discovery .........

20 Dec 2007

Ive changed remarkably in the last 6-7 years i was once a very shy little being who had no confidence (to the point of not wanting sex or relationships and doing my dammed best to ruin anything or one who wanted otherwise) i was to embarrassed to talk to people not just people i didnt know but family and friends were pleased if they got more than hello out of me,and lots of other little things that have changed for the better so yes in this case change was a very good thing redface

20 Dec 2007

Some brilliant points given here, thank you. I acknowledge that we can all change for the better, I'd thought that after I'd put up my thread, people listen and learn and get wiser from knowledge - I know I have especially in the past few years.
The change I was really referring to is the bad one when as in my friend who went from being one of the most well respected and liked lady I and others had ever known to a basicaly spoilt, selfish opinionated character. Not nice to witness sad

20 Dec 2007

Quote by jaymar
Some brilliant points given here, thank you. I acknowledge that we can all change for the better, I'd thought that after I'd put up my thread, people listen and learn and get wiser from knowledge - I know I have especially in the past few years.
The change I was really referring to is the bad one when as in my friend who went from being one of the most well respected and liked lady I and others had ever known to a basicaly spoilt, selfish opinionated character. Not nice to witness

I know what you mean Mar, it is upsetting to see people you respect change significantly for the worse. But being very philosophical, we all change over time reacting to life's lessons and through maturity. I know I have but I would have to say it's not changed me massively, I'm still the person I've always been just mellower and more accepting I suppose.
I disagree with Manolishi, I think some people can change, if they really really want to, it's a question of willpower and inner determination.
pink x

20 Dec 2007

I hate change, and in fact don't 'do' it very well....its something I have difficulty coping with. It upsets my applecart greatly!!
I just try and live my life being as nice as I possibly can to the people around me, and hope to get the same in return...I suppose that you could say I have rose tinted specs on lol

I am sometimes surprised when its not reciprocated, but thats life... but if i do make friends I am a friend for life, and when someone changes its hard to understand why and it can be hard to deal with.
We met a couple on here, and gelled very well, we chatted loads on msn before we met, and when we met for a drink, we got on like a house on fire.
The playing meet didnt go so well, but we said we would remain friends, and did chat on msn for a brief time before they stopped all contact, not answering PMs and hiding as offline on msn. This confused and to a certain point upset me, as I didnt understand why. I dont know what changed....I know I didnt...so what happened?? Maybe its more 'fickle' in swinging...I dont know dunno

Why do people change? Maybe something triggers them to change, or maybe they just decide that you no longer fit their opinions and lifestyle any more.
WHo knows...

20 Dec 2007

Quote by blueandpink
I disagree with Manolishi, I think some people can change, if they really really want to, it's a question of willpower and inner determination.
pink x

You are very correct, I do know of one person who's changed massively, I know of someone who used to be very bitter very offish with people, he's now a very popular wonderfully warm person. It took time tho.

20 Dec 2007

I feel that I change from year to year, season to season, and day to day.
All very much depending on current circumstances, and recent events. Though if there is as much as a core being, that pretty much remains the same... merely the outer layers developing or sloughing in reaction or in defence.
One layer on... one layer off... maybe strip a few in good weather... see how I survive.
Of course, that may sound as if there is an element of control in the process... with me?... certainly not madam!
Then again, I may be one of these types who presents a pretty shallow veneer to the world... & a thick skin below for defence... what do I know?
Those of you who see a change for the worse in others... have you considered that at least toa small degree, the change you see in them could be reflected from a change in yourself?... your personality may have altered, and asa
a consequence, what you see in others becomes slightly less palatable?
(that's not an accusation, nor directed at any individual here... simply an observation made through experience and posed as a question)
should I throw in an IMHO dunno

lp

20 Dec 2007

Quote by jaymar

I disagree with Manolishi, I think some people can change, if they really really want to, it's a question of willpower and inner determination.
pink x

You are very correct, I do know of one person who's changed massively, I know of someone who used to be very bitter very offish with people, he's now a very popular wonderfully warm person. It took time tho.
But thats not necessarily someone changing, it just showing that that person did have that capacity inside them all the time, just needed to discover that side of their persona. Would that person still have the capacity to be bitter or offish? Absolutely they could, its just that they choose not to be.
The "stuff" that is inside us, is always inside us.
Take for instance a wife beater, just because he maybe would enter a new relationship and possibly will not hit his new Partner, he has the capacity to do so. Whilst with other's they just don't have that capacity to hit their Partner, it's not whats inside them.
As I said, the challenge that we all face is really understanding what it is that is inside, those bits we dislike that we recognise we hide, whilst the bits we like we expose to others.
I hope that at least some of this is making some sort of sense :shock:

20 Dec 2007

I think it can be hard to change what you really are, I think what you can do is change an opinion/way depending on a situation.
I have changed the way I am at work, I used to do alot of the DIY around the cab office where I work, I could not stand seeing something that needed doing and not doing it. I now won't do anything that I don't have to at work, this is because the boss got to the stage were he expected me to do it and would not pay me. I decieded to change.

20 Dec 2007

Good thread this jaymar.
I agree with what others have said though an cant really add much. I think its natyral people change its a life cycle and experiences we have adapt us and as we learn new things we evolve from who we once were.
Sometimes i think its a case of two people suiting each other at one point in time but other outside influences affecting them both seperately and differently that change the ethos of the relationship between them.
Its happened to me with friends i was like brothers with then after a while u lose touch or just drift apart, usually in your teens and theres normally a woman behind it. lol

20 Dec 2007

I've never changed and never will.......... :mrgreen:
So stop trying........... rolleyes

20 Dec 2007

i used to be so quiet :shock:

21 Dec 2007

I believe we are all more than the sum of our parts. Our environment has an effect on us. Those around us make a difference. We all know this i'm sure.
Mar, you know yourself that up until a few years ago you were caught up in the 'rat race' as i've seen you mention before. You stepped back re-evaluated, evolved maybe (respect Marya) So you are now different to the person you were. Possibly others see you in a different light and likewise you them. It is so unfortunate to lose precious things and lets face it people are the most precious of all.
Mrs Bonedigger. If we all kept friends and acquaintences we had met over the years we could not possibly cope (especially at this time of year with Christmas cards lol

) The people you had a time with and enjoyed may just be too embarrased that they cannot devote as much time to you without the addition of 'the swing' rather than be upfront and say this. It maybe easier for them to move on in the way they did . not comforting for you granted.
Friendships tend to go full on and then fluctuate. We live by our own codes so however it comes across to others. Our codes are acceptable to us. We may not see our failings in the eyes of others? Or they theirs. You have no need of regret if you live by the standards you set for yourself.
Saying this the fact that people. in our eyes change'. whilst we don't necessarily notice it within ourselves. Maybe thats why some memories we cherish and hold on to so dearly.
Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved? - corny but true? Of course it is biggrin

Rambled on here sorry

21 Dec 2007

Quote by Lost

Mar, you know yourself that up until a few years ago you were caught up in the 'rat race' as i've seen you mention before. You stepped back re-evaluated, evolved maybe (respect Marya) So you are now different to the person you were. Possibly others see you in a different light and likewise you them.

You are right, doing what I've done has given me a new lease of life x

21 Dec 2007

Quote by LondonPlaything
should I throw in an IMHO
lp

Oh yes..... wink

21 Dec 2007

Quote by Manolishi

I disagree with Manolishi, I think some people can change, if they really really want to, it's a question of willpower and inner determination.
pink x

You are very correct, I do know of one person who's changed massively, I know of someone who used to be very bitter very offish with people, he's now a very popular wonderfully warm person. It took time tho.
But thats not necessarily someone changing, it just showing that that person did have that capacity inside them all the time, just needed to discover that side of their persona. Would that person still have the capacity to be bitter or offish? Absolutely they could, its just that they choose not to be.
The "stuff" that is inside us, is always inside us.
Take for instance a wife beater, just because he maybe would enter a new relationship and possibly will not hit his new Partner, he has the capacity to do so. Whilst with other's they just don't have that capacity to hit their Partner, it's not whats inside them.
As I said, the challenge that we all face is really understanding what it is that is inside, those bits we dislike that we recognise we hide, whilst the bits we like we expose to others.
I hope that at least some of this is making some sort of sense :shock:
I do understand where you are coming from, serial killers for example have had their personality types since birth. I've watched programmes on this and psychologists can show the 'writing was on the wall' so to speak since early childhood.

21 Dec 2007

Going back to your friend ... somthing happened with one of mine a few years ago.
Basically, her husband quit his 11k a year job for a 55k one :shock: and so they packed up and moved to a lovely new house in a much nicer area and bought lots of lovely things to fill it, wore nicer clothes, went on holiday etc etc.
I ws over-joyed for her - we were very good friends and I knew how they'd struggled for years but she changed. Not straight away but over time, I started to notice a change in her tone and her attitude.
Just daft little things like I mentioned getting my daughter a toy karaoke mic/cd player thing and she sais "Oh we're getting a proper one". I was taking my daughter to a Haven caravan park for a short break and she came up with "Thank god we won't have to go there again now".
It made me mad

but I ignored it for a long time as I thought is wasme - maybe I was jealous? Maybe I was picking fault? Her husband hadn't changed though. He was just the same - hard working family man, salt of the earth type.
The last straw came when she and few of "the girls" were planning a night out and she mentioned it to me - "I don't know if you want to come, it's a bit pricey".
I realised that this person had changed and I didn't want her in my life anymore. I never contacted her - and she never contacted me! I see her almost every day at the school gates and she has never once spoken to me, never mind asked why i cut her out of my life so she was obviously not a real friend in the first place? Funny though, she hangs about with the snobby ones we used to take the piss out of.

21 Dec 2007

Quote by Marya_Northeast
Going back to your friend ... somthing happened with one of mine a few years ago.
Basically, her husband quit his 11k a year job for a 55k one :shock: and so they packed up and moved to a lovely new house in a much nicer area and bought lots of lovely things to fill it, wore nicer clothes, went on holiday etc etc.
I ws over-joyed for her - we were very good friends and I knew how they'd struggled for years but she changed. Not straight away but over time, I started to notice a change in her tone and her attitude.
Just daft little things like I mentioned getting my daughter a toy karaoke mic/cd player thing and she sais "Oh we're getting a proper one". I was taking my daughter to a Haven caravan park for a short break and she came up with "Thank god we won't have to go there again now".
It made me but I ignored it for a long time as I thought is was me - maybe I was jealous? Maybe I was picking fault? Her husband hadn't changed though. He was just the same - hard working family man, salt of the earth type.
The last straw came when she and few of "the girls" were planning a night out and she mentioned it to me - "I don't know if you want to come, it's a bit pricey".
I realised that this person had changed and I didn't want her in my life anymore. I never contacted her - and she never contacted me! I see her almost every day at the school gates and she has never once spoken to me, never mind asked why i cut her out of my life so she was obviously not a real friend in the first place? Funny though, she hangs about with the snobby ones we used to take the piss out of.

Yep you and I understand each other. I just wish people would remember their roots. I'm not a jealous person and I totally wish people all the best when they have success but when they do things like the above they're not worth it.
The thing is she'll realise money doesn't buy you friendship, honesty and trust does. smile

21 Dec 2007

Quote by jaymar
Going back to your friend ... somthing happened with one of mine a few years ago.
Basically, her husband quit his 11k a year job for a 55k one :shock: and so they packed up and moved to a lovely new house in a much nicer area and bought lots of lovely things to fill it, wore nicer clothes, went on holiday etc etc.
I ws over-joyed for her - we were very good friends and I knew how they'd struggled for years but she changed. Not straight away but over time, I started to notice a change in her tone and her attitude.
Just daft little things like I mentioned getting my daughter a toy karaoke mic/cd player thing and she sais "Oh we're getting a proper one". I was taking my daughter to a Haven caravan park for a short break and she came up with "Thank god we won't have to go there again now".
It made me but I ignored it for a long time as I thought is was me - maybe I was jealous? Maybe I was picking fault? Her husband hadn't changed though. He was just the same - hard working family man, salt of the earth type.
The last straw came when she and few of "the girls" were planning a night out and she mentioned it to me - "I don't know if you want to come, it's a bit pricey".
I realised that this person had changed and I didn't want her in my life anymore. I never contacted her - and she never contacted me! I see her almost every day at the school gates and she has never once spoken to me, never mind asked why i cut her out of my life so she was obviously not a real friend in the first place? Funny though, she hangs about with the snobby ones we used to take the piss out of.

Yep you and I understand each other. I just wish people would remember their roots. I'm not a jealous person and I totally wish people all the best when they have success but when they do things like the above they're not worth it.
The thing is she'll realise money doesn't buy you friendship, honesty and trust does. smile

Yep have a friend like this also. Born East Ender (still speaks like one), now a suburban Surrey housewife with doing very well husband and shed loads of money. Now she thinks all kids in state education are oiks, thinks Center Parcs is for common folk :shock: and pays over the nose for everything because she thinks it is better.
We still see them occasionally, but I find I tolerate her more than enjoy her company. Her husband is a delight, the successful high earner but so not affected like she is.
pink x

21 Dec 2007

When I was young I looked to others to protect and guide me. As I grew I was eager to learn. Then one year I changed from someone who stood by to someone who acted, and protected. I know when and who to thank for that. Call it confidence if you wish, but I consider it social obligation. As Kennedy said 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.'
Was it a good change? I think so. Not everyone does.
The point is I always had a sense of justice, but someone made me understand that for evil to prosper good must do nothing. I was doing nothing, now I do something. It was not me that changed, but the way I inter-act with the world.
Travis

21 Dec 2007

Quote by
When I was young I looked to others to protect and guide me. As I grew I was eager to learn. Then one year I changed from someone who stood by to someone who acted, and protected. I know when and who to thank for that. Call it confidence if you wish, but I consider it social obligation. As Kennedy said 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.'
Was it a good change? I think so. Not everyone does.
The point is I always had a sense of justice, but someone made me understand that for evil to prosper good must do nothing. I was doing nothing, now I do something. It was not me that changed, but the way I inter-act with the world.
Travis

Is T Mann a code?
For Superman? :shock:
:giggle:

22 Dec 2007

We all change and we all affect people intentionally or otherwise. How often I have said to myself is it me? What have I actually done? I have been told I am too honest - in fact people spend a lot of time telling me who I am without realising how much it can hurt. Oh and yes I can do that back so I am not looking for sympathy just making a comment. Sure there are people who feel I have hurt them.
I really get tired of the way people in the cyber world say they are your friend and then something happens they may not like and thats it - you are no longer on the list - no talking, no being honest about what upset them, just toys taken away. Happens to men and women too.
I am feeling low today because of change - nothing bad just a change. People say 'be yourself and stay true to yourself'. I think that is very good advice and its something I will do.
But with change comes opportunities to grow and make new friends and have new experiences - here and in life in general. So strangely enough I can usually celebrate change.
Anyway this is the time of year for reflection and to look at what friendship really means. I have some good friends and have made some great mates on here. My friendships last a lifetime. Mates will come and go but each got something out of knowing me - good or bad - they will decide. lol

Corrie

22 Dec 2007

Quote by Corrie2007
Anyway this is the time of year for reflection and to look at what friendship really means. I have some good friends and have made some great mates on here. My friendships last a lifetime. Mates will come and go but each got something out of knowing me - good or bad - they will decide.
Corrie

How right you are, maybe that's why I hate New Year so much, I self analyse too much sad

for you for feeling low xx

22 Dec 2007

Now this one has changed tack slightly, we have got into people who change because of money or financial circumstance!!
I can totally understand where Marya is coming from (what me agreeing with Marya :shock: lol

) about people developing snobbish traits where money has been involved.
We went to the opposite scale, from having loads of money because i was in a very well paid job, flashy cars 4 holidays a year etc etc, to having plain old cars (see what i mean about the snobby wording) :lol: not loads of money but i job i enjoy more.
We arent skint by any stretch but we no longer hang around with the same bunch as we used to as we just dont fit in!!
We no longer WANT to go to london for the weekend hob knobbing with £200 sunglasses on or go out every weekend and have to wear something new, those lot were always bitching about each other anyway if were honest.
We now enjoy life more, are much less caught in the "rat race" of better car, bigger house more clothes and our circle of friends has changed we can go out now without having to worry if we come up to scratch or have the right designer label on this week rolleyes

Im sure they probably call us every time they see us now in our "banger cars" cos i mean, "who drives a car that costs less than 20 grand?"
So iv back tracked from my original post an yeah people change and are twats :lol: