Should I...should I not?

22 Feb 2005

Help!
I got myself in a sticky situation and now I am not sure what to do.
First guy I met via my ad (the one I felt so attracted to personality-wise) wants to meet again. He wants us to spend a night at a hotel but I am not sure I am ready to do that.
I want to see him again and have been trying to entice him by sending him a pic of erotic content (yeah, I know, bad me!) And now his interest is rekindled, I am worried sick. I feel I may have led him on. My self confidence has abandoned me. I think that any man in his shoes would have reacted this way, it is not me he wants, it is the sex he is after.
*sigh*
I think I messed up. I think he will never take me seriously now and, if I do not go all the way, he will be angry with me and never talk to me again.
I guess if I were not really interested in him, did not really like him (sort of gazing at him and drinking in his words and gestures like a thirsty person who's just come off a week in the desert) it would not matter much. Just one more man in a long line of men does not make a difference - it is water gliding over a duck's body.
Don't know what to do. Should I come up with an excuse not to meet and try and forget about him? Should I let him travel halfway across England to meet and leave him wanting? (<< it does not seem fair). I feel very vulnerable right now and totally out of control. I am sure he does not feel the same way I feel about him. I am sure I am just a matter of convenience to him and probably safer to date due to the distance than a local girl who could turn up at his doorstep and trouble him.
Please help me make sense of my mixed emotions! Help me do the right thing.
Thanks.

22 Feb 2005

Tania,
Im confussed, maybe its my flu but can you explain what you mean by "met " him. Was this for a drink or more, not being nosey but it really does have a bearing on any advice to be given!!

22 Feb 2005

Tania, what's the hurry?
Tell him you are not ready to meet yet, that you need more chat, more getting-to-know-you...if he is not interested in waiting then you know you have your answer. If he is happy to go along with more flirting and general warming up, then all good. Go for it.
If your feelings seem to strong then back off a little and try not to think about him too much until the initial wave of lust wears off. It will come back, and you will be more in control.
You have the right to say no honey and if he is a gent he will respect your wishes.
You know as well as us that honesty is paramount in this game.
Good luck xx

22 Feb 2005

Here's an idea... tell him all this.
We're all in this together, hun. Be honest and see what happens. Sounds like you might be thinking of him 'relationship' wise, TBH. Is that what you want? Is that how you want to come across to him?
Re-evaluate what you are after. If it's a good seeing-to, then go get laid. If it's a relationship, then take it steady.
If you just go get laid, though, it may just turn into a relationship when you're not looking.
Good luck, hun.

22 Feb 2005

Tania, there will no doubt be a flood of extremely well thought out advice coming your way which will make my ramblings seem totally useless!!
However, you could talk to him :shock: , & say that you feel you may have led him on too much. If, as you say, he thinks of you as just another shag, then tough on him. At least he will be aware of how you feel, & can then decide for himself whether or not to travel to see you. Then if you don't feel like shagging him & feels hard done by, he only has himself to blame. Tell him how you feel. Be strong girl. :hunk:

22 Feb 2005

Quote by HungryP
Tania, there will no doubt be a flood of extremely well thought out advice coming your way which will make my ramblings seem totally useless!!

See, SunBunny & Vix give much better advice than me. rolleyes

22 Feb 2005

Quote by foxylady 123
Tania,
Im confussed, maybe its my flu but can you explain what you mean by "met " him. Was this for a drink or more, not being nosey but it really does have a bearing on any advice to be given!!

Met him couple of weeks ago or so, we had dinner and then stayed up in his room talking till late. Didn't do the dirty deed as I did not feel in the mood. Thereafter he lessened contact despite showing me great enthusiasm up to saying goodnight.

22 Feb 2005

Quote by Tania
Tania,
Im confussed, maybe its my flu but can you explain what you mean by "met " him. Was this for a drink or more, not being nosey but it really does have a bearing on any advice to be given!!

Met him couple of weeks ago or so, we had dinner and then stayed up in his room talking till late. Didn't do the dirty deed as I did not feel in the mood. Thereafter he lessened contact despite showing me great enthusiasm up to saying goodnight.
Perhaps hes confussed? This is a swinging site and i suppose its easy to assume that if you advertise on here your after getting laid.
I think at this stage all you can do is be honest with him and see if he decides to continue the relationship or not.

22 Feb 2005

Tina
The truth the whole truth and nothering but the truth................. copy your tread and and send it to him!

22 Feb 2005

Quote by Vix
Sounds like you might be thinking of him 'relationship' wise, TBH. Is that what you want?

Yes, I am thinking of him that way.

Quote by Vix
Is that how you want to come across to him?

No, that will just scare him off and make me look like a fool!

Quote by Vix
Re-evaluate what you are after. If it's a good seeing-to, then go get laid. If it's a relationship, then take it steady.

I can get plenty of regular satisfying sex from 'friends'. I need more in life than physical sensations.

Quote by Vix
If you just go get laid, though, it may just turn into a relationship when you're not looking.

What if I continue not to be sexually attracted to him? I know last time I was very tired and in a negative frame of mind due to pregnancy aches. Anyway, is it fair to have sex with a man hoping for more?
dunno

22 Feb 2005

Quote by Tania
Anyway, is it fair to have sex with a man hoping for more?

Nope. Not what I meant. I meant that it may just happen.

22 Feb 2005

Quote by SunBunny
Tania, what's the hurry?
Tell him you are not ready to meet yet, that you need more chat, more getting-to-know-you...

He is not the communicating type of guy. He can just about manage a text message and a one-liner in email. He hasn't asked me any questions, hasn't tried to find out more about me. I feel like I have been chasing him all this time, pushing him to react. This is probably why I feel uneasy. Maybe I have given him the wrong impression. Maybe he thinks well if she's gagging for it, I'd better give her some... don't know.

22 Feb 2005

Maybe you should just ask him out right if he's after a relationship or only casual sex? dunno

If you eventually give in and let him have sex with you, in the hope that he may want more, you could end up being extremely disappointed if *he* is only after sex with no strings.
Certainly if he is not taking the time to ask you stuff and find out about you a little more, it sounds to me like he is just after nsa sex.
This is a swingers site after all, so perhaps he has not even thought about serious relationships arising from it and that may be the way he wants it :dunno: sad

You have some soul searching and lots of talking to do.
I hope you find what it is you seek kiss

Tracy-Jayne

22 Feb 2005

Quote by Tania
Tania,
Im confussed, maybe its my flu but can you explain what you mean by "met " him. Was this for a drink or more, not being nosey but it really does have a bearing on any advice to be given!!

Met him couple of weeks ago or so, we had dinner and then stayed up in his room talking till late. Didn't do the dirty deed as I did not feel in the mood. Thereafter he lessened contact despite showing me great enthusiasm up to saying goodnight.
I must admit that would probably have confused me a bit, with it being a swinging site, & the fact that you went to his room!!!!!!!!!!!!!. However, if I were in his situation I would appreciate knowing how you feel............... in which case I may well be absolutely overjoyed biggrin

:D . It may be something he is hoping for after all, but just doesn't expect.

22 Feb 2005

Tania, everyone's already given the best advice, have a chat with him, see if he feels the same.
A word of caution though, those hormones and emotions are a bugger when you're preggies.
Take it easy hun.

22 Feb 2005

Tania
With all due respect (and please, nobody stone me as still bare some of the wounds of the 'fight' against King Arthur 2 days ago wink

) If you met him on SH through the photo ads. is it only to be expected that he might want sex? confused

If it's dating, wining, dining and a relationship you are after (and your story and posts would suggest this) there are 1001 other sites that cater for this. I am NOT suggesting that all blokes are after sex but this is a specilaist site on which many people are partnered, married or single and looking to 'swing', rather than date. I am sure that people have met and gone on to have long and successful relationships together as a result of meeting here but it all starts somewhere.
It's all a case of the 'right tools for the right job' really.
Just trying to help - no offence intended biggrin

22 Feb 2005

Quote by foxylady 123
Perhaps hes confussed? This is a swinging site and i suppose its easy to assume that if you advertise on here your after getting laid.

He could be confused, he is human after all. As for the swinging bit, as you may be aware, I have not done it yet; it is just a fantasy at this point. But it is a fantasy worth exploring with a significant other.

22 Feb 2005

Quote by HungryP
I must admit that would probably have confused me a bit, with it being a swinging site, & the fact that you went to his room!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

I know that going up to a guy's room is not the decent thing to do but the hotel did not have any comfortable seats at the bar (all were tiny armchairs that I wouldn't fit in) and there was a group of guys who eyed me in the most offensive and degrading way making me feel awfully uncomfortable. I made sure to explain how I felt before asking if it would be OK to go sit at his room. I am a straight forward person, would never go roundabouts and find excuses to do something. But of course a man cannot know that unless he spends time getting to know me.

22 Feb 2005

Well, hope it works out for you. passionkiss

22 Feb 2005

Quote by Bloke2005
Just trying to help - no offence intended

No offence taken. smile

Although my ad did not stay up long (think it was up for 3 days max), those who read it thought it was a decent ad, not the type 'horny woman seeks cock now' that one often sees. I had tons of replies to my ad - over 200. Out of these only about 5 stood out; his was one of the first and it was not a 'I want to shag you, here's a pic of my cock' type.
My stories are just stories - meant to entertain and titilate. I could as easily write a manual on how to operate the DVD unit as I could write a sexy story.
What amazed me about the first meeting we had was that he was keen on me. I have met lots of men and can normally tell the guy who is only after sex from the guy who is genuinely interested in me. You can't fake the spark, or can you?
I am still not sure I would be able to pour all my thoughts/feelings out though as some people have suggested. I am afraid it will scare him off.

22 Feb 2005

Quote by Tania
As for the swinging bit, as you may be aware, I have not done it yet; it is just a fantasy at this point. But it is a fantasy worth exploring with a significant other.

But Tania with all due respects, it appears that you are trying to *find* a significant other.
I fear you may be disappointed if you arrange to meet guys in the hope of finding Mr Right on this site sad

Maybe you should just enjoy his company for a while and if things are going to develop, they will do so naturally.
You can't force affection from someone who is only after a quick shag confused

T-J

22 Feb 2005

Quote by Tania
You can't fake the spark, or can you?
I am still not sure I would be able to pour all my thoughts/feelings out though as some people have suggested. I am afraid it will scare him off.

I'm afraid you can as one of our site members has found out recently sad

As for scaring him off . . .
If he is not after a relationship, then yes it will, but at least you will then know how you stand regarding him, which as present you don't :(
T-J

22 Feb 2005

TBH Tania I have been thinking about this situation in reverse.
Of I had met someone, from here, spent time with them , taken them back to my room and then they had gon on the excuse that they were tired, I would then expect the next meet to include sex!If it didnt i would feel cheated and that they had wasted my time.
It would be far better to be straight with him and tell him what your interested in and do it as soon as possible.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but SH is primarily about sex not about finding the love of your life!!

22 Feb 2005

Tania,
Your body is full of raging hormones at the minute. Nature is telling it to settle down and "nest" and this is why you are feeling so strongly for him. I'm sure you joined this site thinking it would be straightforward but unfortunately your pregnancy is controlling the situation at the minute - not you biggrin

From the guys point of view this must make it difficult too, as your mood swings will be difficult to understand. Even long standing partners struggle to cope with the changes so for someone who has only known you a very short time it might seem like you are just blowing hot and cold.
Take it easy lol

:lol:

22 Feb 2005

Quote by kinkyred99
Tania,
Your body is full of raging hormones at the minute. Nature is telling it to settle down and "nest" and this is why you are feeling so strongly for him. I'm sure you joined this site thinking it would be straightforward but unfortunately your pregnancy is controlling the situation at the minute - not you

I hope that I have more sense in me than to look for someone to settle with becauseof the baby.
I just wish I could relay to you how it felt to sit across him at a table, listen to his voice, stare into his eyes trying to burn his image into my memory. He is handsome but in a very down to earth way. That means that to others he would seem to be riddled with flaws but to me they are added character. After all 'beauty is in the eyes of the beholder'! smile

But I will take it easy and be less aggressive; this way I may even give him a chance to show his feelings! LOL
---
Thanks for all your replies. I will sleep on it and come up with a decision tomorrow.

22 Feb 2005

Quote by RedHot
You can't fake the spark, or can you?

I'm afraid you can as one of our site members has found out recently sad

T-J
I would just like to point out after a pm from Tania, that this was not a dig at her suggesting *she* had faked a spark with someone.
I was in fact referring to the problems Angel Chat has suffered, after another member *faked* his affections for her, whilst still remaining with his partner. All of which unfortunately Angel was unaware of until recently :(
Tania as a new member may not have been aware of this and thought I was suggesting *she* had faked.
For this I apologise redface

T-J

22 Feb 2005

That's the problem with the English language, it is so limited with the 'you' generic and the 'you' specific! lol

22 Feb 2005

Quote by foxylady 123
TBH Tania I have been thinking about this situation in reverse.
Of I had met someone, from here, spent time with them , taken them back to my room and then they had gon on the excuse that they were tired, I would then expect the next meet to include sex!If it didnt i would feel cheated and that they had wasted my time.
It would be far better to be straight with him and tell him what your interested in and do it as soon as possible.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but SH is primarily about sex not about finding the love of your life!!

I don't agree, it is perfectly possible for two people to meet up, even from this site, and agree NOT to have sex, not by "default", but as a positive choice. They may decide that other aspects of attraction have surfaced which make sex an unwanted diversion, at least in the short term. I do not know whether you, Tania, recognise any of my point as being relevant to your dilemma or not, but I think this deserves pointing out. Good luck.
Mike.

22 Feb 2005

Quote by MikeNorth
TBH Tania I have been thinking about this situation in reverse.
Of I had met someone, from here, spent time with them , taken them back to my room and then they had gon on the excuse that they were tired, I would then expect the next meet to include sex!If it didnt i would feel cheated and that they had wasted my time.
It would be far better to be straight with him and tell him what your interested in and do it as soon as possible.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but SH is primarily about sex not about finding the love of your life!!

I don't agree, it is perfectly possible for two people to meet up, even from this site, and agree NOT to have sex, not by "default", but as a positive choice. They may decide that other aspects of attraction have surfaced which make sex an unwanted diversion, at least in the short term. I do not know whether you, Tania, recognise any of my point as being relevant to your dilemma or not, but I think this deserves pointing out. Good luck.
Mike.
I agree!! If you notice i said , "SH isprimaily about sex" Not wholly, though i do think that if this guy was interested in a more conventional relationship he would have said so by now, chances are he isnt!! The vast majority of men in particular are here for one reason only It would be unfair to give Tania false hope.

22 Feb 2005

Maybe he is just not built as a predatorial male, maybe he likes to take things easy or maybe he is just unsure how to act? TJ suggested I give him a ring so I might as well do that later tonight.