Single Swingers and couples.

12 May 2005

It occured to me that a single swinger entering a couple situation must be a huge responsibilty, especially since the couple have each other to lean on emotionally, but the single person doesn't have anyone they are as close to to back them up when the nerves and possible unspoken vibes kick in.
I'd be interested in how others feel about this? How they have found past experiances, how much they take on board? How difficult have they found communication at the time? Is there a constant worry of jealously kicking in? (I know, in an ideal world yadda yadda, but nerves are a fact of life!)
It's badly phrased I know but I'm off to work in a few. Looking forward to reading everyone's thoughts when I get in smile

Venusxxx

12 May 2005

Quote by VenusnMars
It occured to me that a single swinger entering a couple situation must be a huge responsibilty, especially since the couple have each other to lean on emotionally, but the single person doesn't have anyone they are as close to to back them up when the nerves and possible unspoken vibes kick in.
Is there a constant worry of jealously kicking in?

Great post Venus.
Swinging with couples as a single girl is probably a lot harder than as a guy, in my opinion. The point you have made about the lack of emotional support hits the button on the head. A guy would not have the same need in such a situation.
You also have to try hard to please both - it's as if you were 'in a contract' and you don't want to disappoint. But where a couple can mostly get what they want from the situation, and even if they don't, they have each other, when you swing alone it is not you who calls the shots, unless you go in as this mega domme - which I am not. In my experience it is more a question of going along with what the couple wants because they're the ones with the boundaries. A single girl playing with a couple naturally has far less boundaries because she has no one to try not to make jealous; no one to consider except herself...and yet unique boundaries are dictated every time she meets a new couple, and it is hard therefore to lose control, or be fully relaxed. Both these things contribute to the sex, of course.
Does this make any sense?

12 May 2005

Quote by SunBunny
Swinging with couples as a single girl is probably a lot harder than as a guy, in my opinion. The point you have made about the lack of emotional support hits the button on the head. A guy would not have the same need in such a situation.

I have to disagree, being a single guy, nerves are just a large part of it as well as the emotional support for most men. First meet I went to I was so nervous I couldn't do anything, am yet to have a second to see if the nerves go down with time.
Emotional support I think largely depends on the person. Some people like to make more of a connection with the other participants while others are in,out, wham bam thank you ma'am and onto the next one. This applies to both men and women(taking from what I've heard).

12 May 2005

I find it easier to swing with couples. Don't seem to form that inappropriate attachment I do with single men.
Hence me taking time out from swinging to form the appropriate attachment first :P

12 May 2005

well venus, having been the single participant in the past, i can only speak from my perspective, all the couples i have been with have always had the right to say no, thats from both the male and female, and i will always accept that, if the vibes are wrong, then i would not go ahead with anything at all, i need to feel comfortable as well.
i know what i am doing when i go with a couple, and i am fully aware of what is happening.
if i know the couple beforhand, and we all get on well, then the nerves/vibes dont really happen, and everyone is relaxed and can get on with having fun.
i feel that apart from a possible friendship, emotionally i try to keep it just as that. i have never become emotionally involved with anyone who i have been with,
jealousy, if jealousy does rear it's ugly head, then i would expect everything to stop, thats when things can become uncomfortable for all parties involved, and maybe should never have started in the first place, i am not there to break a relationship, thats not what i want. if jealousy does occure, then whomever i am with, was possibly not ready to invite a third person into the equasion, and maybe should look deeper into what they really want. sorry for rambling, and this may sound like inane drivel, and bad spelling and grammar, but thats just me and my outlook.

12 May 2005

do you want any help writing your ad jen ?
redface

ops: :oops:

12 May 2005

Quote by SXBOY
do you want any help writing your ad jen ?
ops: :oops:

No advert required. I'm looking for more than a shag. The right one will find me.

12 May 2005

Quote by bigDewi69
I have to disagree, being a single guy, nerves are just a large part of it as well as the emotional support for most men. First meet I went to I was so nervous I couldn't do anything, am yet to have a second to see if the nerves go down with time.

I agree. I can't see any reason why a single guy wouldn't need some form of emotional support, or at least any less than a single fem...nerves aren't gendered you know! I've seen shed loads of nervous guys in all sorts of swinging situations, it's part of the territory for the majority of people when they're new, or even not so new.
I can take the point about couples having each other to turn to if they need support, but I think it is sometimes easier to swing as a single than as a couple, cos a swingle only has themselves to please. I guess it depends on the situation and the couple though.
I need to give this some more thought confused

Interesting thread though cool

12 May 2005

Our experience of meeting a single bi male went very well for all parties concerned because we all put the effort in before hand and did not rush into things. Eveyone concerned were given the option of saying no when we met. We all had fun making sure that at no point was anyone left out.

12 May 2005

One experience I had a couple of years ago, with a couple, highlights the jealousy aspect of your question. The three of us hit it of exceptionally well, all evening and into the hours of the next morning we were at it like barn doors banging in the wind. Around 9am we all got up and got dressed, the male half of the couple had to run an errand and I was left alone with the female. We had a coffee, chatted and decided WTF might as well just jump back in bed, see what its like without the old man getting in the road (it was quite nice actually).
The male returned about an hour later and we were in a compromising position, which is a strange thing to think because there was a lot more dirty stuff going on with all of us there, it was only the missionary FFS. dunno

Anyway, a strange thing happened, he shot me daggers, and I felt extremely guilty. Luckily he just stripped off and we had another few hours of fun and games, but it was definitely a strange moment, he, the returning jealous husband, finding his property being violated by a stranger.
The rest of your question could be an analogy of the forum, there is a feeling of being the newbie until you find somewhere to slot in (I mean niche) and be accepted as part of the experience.

12 May 2005

We decided to swing with other couples on the basis that it was better in even numbers,so far that has worked for us and bringing in a single person male or female might not be a good idea as it has been tried and a little of the jealousy did show through but not much,so best to stick with what we agreed on in the first to wether females have it harder than guys i don't think that is true,men are not robots you know!

12 May 2005

Quote by SunBunny
Swinging with couples as a single girl is probably a lot harder than as a guy, in my opinion. The point you have made about the lack of emotional support hits the button on the head. A guy would not have the same need in such a situation.

Sweeping generalisations, on both parts, methinks!

12 May 2005

Swinging with couples as a single girl is probably a lot harder than as a guy, in my opinion. The point you have made about the lack of emotional support hits the button on the head. A guy would not have the same need in such a situation.

sorry sunbunny, but that's rubbish. we're not shagging machines. a single guy going into a swinging situation with a couple is in quite a tricky little position. the couple know eachother emotionally and sexually, and know exactly what they want. the single guy is there not so much to please himself, as to help the couple get something positive from the experience, IMO, and it takes a good deal of thinking about, and involves a good deal of nerves. there's a lot of unspoken communication going on with the couple that the guy simply has to guess at half the time, which ain't easy.
the single guy is basically an outsider, and if things should go wrong, he has noone to turn to for support, and noone to discuss the whys and wherefores of it all with. it's much easier for a couple to discuss things and plan again for another try with a different bloke, for the single guy bad experiences can be completely off-putting altogether, particularly when you sometimes have to work fairly hard to get the opportunity in the first place.
it ain't always easy being a single bloke you know, and that's one of the reasons why i choose to play with people i know well and count as friends, cos at least there's less pressure and more chance of some emotional involvement between all parties! ;)
neil x x x ;)

12 May 2005

Quote by wildwilly
The male returned about an hour later and we were in a compromising position, which is a strange thing to think because there was a lot more dirty stuff going on with all of us there, it was only the missionary FFS.
Anyway, a strange thing happened, he shot me daggers, and I felt extremely guilty. Luckily he just stripped off and we had another few hours of fun and games, but it was definitely a strange moment, he, the returning jealous husband, finding his property being violated by a stranger.

It may well be that they usually only play as a couple and don't do separate room, so you broke the rules. That might explain his apparent vexation.
If they are regular swingers and have been playing for some time then the jealousy thing is unlikely, and to be honest, I don't think many men on the scene regard their partners as 'property'.

12 May 2005

Quote by Seagull69
Our experience of meeting a single bi male went very well for all parties concerned because we all put the effort in before hand and did not rush into things. Everyone concerned were given the option of saying no when we met. We all had fun making sure that at no point was anyone left out.

Pretty much our experience too.
When we have met with singles (From SH incidentally….hey the site works!!) I have always felt more apprehension for the single party because I feel that Fee and I are an established entity (albeit with nerves of our own).
I have no end of admiration for a single person joining a couple and hope that I have a certain empathy for the nerves they must feel.
In my opinion, it must take a huge amount of bottle on the part of the single.
We would never play with anyone we haven’t both got to know well tho’ and who we are both exceptionally comfortable with. We take our time to get to know the other person BEFORE we play and it obviously works well for us.
Maybe that’s our secret or maybe we have just been lucky in hooking up with EXCEPTIONAL single persons.

12 May 2005

Quote by neilinleeds
we're not shagging machines. a single guy going into a swinging situation with a couple is in quite a tricky little position. the couple know eachother emotionally and sexually, and know exactly what they want. the single guy is there not so much to please himself, as to help the couple get something positive from the experience, IMO, and it takes a good deal of thinking about, and involves a good deal of nerves. there's a lot of unspoken communication going on with the couple that the guy simply has to guess at half the time, which ain't easy.
the single guy is basically an outsider, and if things should go wrong, he has noone to turn to for support, and noone to discuss the whys and wherefores of it all with. it's much easier for a couple to discuss things and plan again for another try with a different bloke, for the single guy bad experiences can be completely off-putting altogether, particularly when you sometimes have to work fairly hard to get the opportunity in the first place.
it ain't always easy being a single bloke you know, and that's one of the reasons why i choose to play with people i know well and count as friends, cos at least there's less pressure and more chance of some emotional involvement between all parties! ;)
neil x x x ;)

From this couples point of veiw Neil that is spot on :thumbup:
Dawn biggrin

12 May 2005

you also have to consider that as a single male looking for couples it is exceptionally hard to get noticed. Particularly if you are not built like an addonis with a monster between your legs. Some single guys on here will go months or years without a reply to their ad. That sort of rejection is never easy to take, no matter who you are.

12 May 2005

Quote by mutley123456uk
you also have to consider that as a single male looking for couples it is exceptionally hard to get noticed. Particularly if you are not built like an addonis with a monster between your legs. Some single guys on here will go months or years without a reply to their ad. That sort of rejection is never easy to take, no matter who you are.

Hmmmm have to disagree with you there. Swinging for me/us has nothing to do with being an addonis or well hung, infact, I don't like well hung men.
Many people don't even read ads, they only post on the forum or use the chatroom.
Both the chatroom and forum allow for the personality to shine which, IMHO, is the best way to decide who to swing with
Dawn biggrin

12 May 2005

Quote by mutley123456uk
Some single guys on here will go months or years without a reply to their ad. That sort of rejection is never easy to take, no matter who you are.

While I agree with Dawn that the forums are a great place to get a feel for someone, and will often lead to more than say just adds. Also got to agree with mutley that the constant feeling of rejection will get a lot of people down... Ok I know people gets hundreds of replies, and there hundreds of males out there to chose from to a smaller group of females (if you after a female guys of course), but it is still a valid point.
Equally you have to know yourself to make it in swinging, in my opinion anyways. With that there has to be a level of self confidence to get noticed and cope with the emotional impact of swinging. Couples need to be sure of themselves and their relationship before they start swinging, and the same is true for singles.
As a parting thought for the day, if everyone replies to a random 20 of the 'No thanks' brigade with a nice thanks for getting in touch, would prob help a few ego's and not cost much in time. Even if you can't reply to all 300 would mean on average people would at least get a response occasionally and feel less isolated smile

12 May 2005

your right a nice thanks but no thanks would make a good change. The 2 word 'no thanks' replies are worse than the one that just ignore you and dont reply (at least if they ignore you, you can convinve yourself they havent read it)

12 May 2005

Quote by the_Laird
We would never play with anyone we havenâ€™t both got to know well thoâ€™ and who we are both exceptionally comfortable with. We take our time to get to know the other person BEFORE we play and it obviously works well for us.
Maybe thatâ€™s our secret or maybe we have just been lucky in hooking up with EXCEPTIONAL single persons.

I would say this is true for me and MrFC . Being comfortable with the person concerned has to be paramount, and hopefully the other party feels the same way. We would rather be friends rather than a wham bam thing.

12 May 2005

Perhaps I'm showing my age too much when I say that I've been meeting couples since before the internet was even dreamt of - back in the bad old days of contact mags and box numbers. I'm not someone with a natural chat-up line and always go into a meeting with some trepidation, but usually can cope with a couple. I was a bit lost at my first SH party earlier this year in Crewe, where everyone already seemed to know each other.
The nerves of meeting a couple for the first time have always been part of the thrill - will we or won't we? Sometimes it's not worked out and then you feel a bit low and somewhat inadequate - with no-one to give you a lift, but if you don't get the lows, you don't appreciate the highs.
On the subject of getting a reply - a one word "no" would be appreciated, even without the "thanks". I'm not into sending of 20 mails all at once just in case one leads anywhere - I'd rather follow a thread through and it does help to know that someone simply isn't interested.

12 May 2005

spare a thought for the poor guys still trying to get that first meet with a couple

12 May 2005

I play as a couple and as a single. I have to say I find playing as a single with another couple very nerve wracking. You have to second guess tons of stuff and there are loads of questions you want to ask but really don't want to cos how do you bring it up? dunno

Then there is the pressure thing. I agree with Neil that the single is there to help the couple get something from the experience, however that is is made much easier if they know what they want, or at least have an idea what they want to try.
The thing I find difficult is meeting a couple with a shagging partner. I have no idea what the boundaries there are as when it is one on one between myself and the shag buddy we are very much coupley. However these shift as the proper couple doesnt see you as a couple cos really youre not. confused

Does that make sense?
Long hard day, I'm going to think about this one.
kiss

Gem. x

12 May 2005

Very well put Gem. As a single, I just take things as they come, see how the land lies and go from there. But there are many couples who have no idea what they want, which does make life difficult.
John
smile

12 May 2005

well its bound to be nerve-racking for everyone at first,
i just found that if u just talk about what everyone is comfy with first or in most cases what not 'comfy' with, so no one goes there!
then everything is fun..........
....and i think the nerves add's to the excitment!!

12 May 2005

Singles who go into swinging are usually without some kind of support. This is because they have just started and they don't tell the people they know, about what and why they are doing it. They often don't realise what it means to them until they have had some experience. I was like that.
Singles usually have sufficiently developed social skills to avoid the worst kinds of social mishaps. So they can often read the general vibe and feel of the couple, and help keep the situation in a neutral state.

12 May 2005

One of my pet hates is when you ask someone what they're into and they reply "most things", or "anything really", and then they go on to say no to this, and no to that.
In my experience that usually means they haven't thought things through and are probably new to the whole game. Why can't they just say so? Then I'd be especially gentle with them! :twisted:
:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

12 May 2005

Quote by Eagerslut9
One of my pet hates is when you ask someone what they're into and they reply "most things", or "anything really", and then they go on to say no to this, and no to that.
In my experience that usually means they haven't thought things through and are probably new to the whole game. Why can't they just say so? Then I'd be especially gentle with them! :twisted:
:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

Eager, that is not always true. I have said I'm open to suggestion because, erm, well, I am open to suggestion. If I don't fancy it I won't do it but it doesnt mean I don't know what I want , know what I like or lack experience of swinging.
I do see your point that its easier to be ambigous about things and make your mind up later when things are offered. But then how do you know you don't like it if you haven't thought about doing it. It's like eating something you know you won't like for the sake of it! lol

Gem. x

12 May 2005

Quote by Sunbunny
]You also have to try hard to please both - it's as if you were 'in a contract' and you don't want to disappoint. But where a couple can mostly get what they want from the situation, and even if they don't, they have each other, when you swing alone it is not you who calls the shots, unless you go in as this mega domme

/Luther King moment
I have a dream!
My idea of swinging with ANYONE is that any contract is equal, and that they get as much out of it as we do as a couple. To my mind that kind of equality adds to the entire experiance. In theory. I find the idea of additional partners gleaning as much out of the experiance profound and flattering. If I'm to share my sexuality I want to do so to it's fullest. If they don't get as much, neither will I.

Quote by neilinleeds
the single guy is basically an outsider, and if things should go wrong, he has noone to turn to for support, and noone to discuss the whys and wherefores of it all with. it's much easier for a couple to discuss things and plan again for another try with a different bloke, for the single guy bad experiences can be completely off-putting altogether, particularly when you sometimes have to work fairly hard to get the opportunity in the first place.
neil x x x ;)

A single swinger deserves much more than that. I personally am not comfortable with 'using' an additional partner as a means to an end, but the post doesn't surprise me. I think many single people and couples see that inviting someone to their bed as some kind of favour, and bestowing this great honour equals the right of the couple to set the tone, not the do's and don'ts par se, but the general scenario.
It's insulting, it should be a three way sexual partnership.
Maybe that's unrealistic, which is why we haven't done much!
Venusironknickersxxx