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Singles getting emotionally involved

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Ice_Pie
Sex God
It’s quite rare for me to start a thread, but I’m motivated to start this one by a recent post that’s now been removed. I’m not complaining about the removal, there was something in it that necessitated that, but I do think it raised an important issue that I think everyone, especially the single members, need to think about seriously, so I’m going to try and get the ball rolling on a discussion.
Brace yourselves for collision, because this is about people’s feelings and I think it could get ‘heated’.
It says in the site blurb that ‘swinging’ is defined as “recreational sex between consenting adults”. It also points out that there’s more to it than that.
A lot more.
I regard it as the major strength of SH that it doesn’t tie itself down to any one particular definition. In some ways, that’s also a weakness. Well, no, not a weakness exactly, but a potential for some people to miss the point. And that point is, there are people here with all sorts of attitudes, all sorts of tastes, all sorts of motivations, and, importantly, all sorts of different ideas of what “Swinging” is all about. And that presents a potential for conflict when one person’s expectations don’t match someone else’s.
A few people are here looking for instant physical gratification, a few are here looking for love, and most are here looking for any one of a hundred things in between, be it platonic, flirting, sex with or without friendship, friendship with or without sex, one on one relationships that are exclusive or not exclusive... I could go on but you get the idea – SH is a sex-oriented site, but it’s also a community made of individuals with varying wants and needs. I think it’s important then, that when we go beyond the stage of exchanging online banter with anyone, we need to be clear about what we want, and about what the people we’re associating with want.
All of which is a rather long-winded way of getting to the point (at last, I hear you cry) I wanted to make, but I wanted to set the context of what I have to say, which is this:
Yes, it’s a swinging community, not a dating agency and we all know the difference. That doesn’t mean we should dismiss the possibility of finding our soulmate here because I know that has happened for some people, but it does, I think, mean we shouldn’t come here expecting to find them. I also think it means if you do happen to meet someone and develop feelings that go beyond sex and/or friendship, you need to be extremely careful, for their sake as well as yours, about how you deal with that.
How many times have we felt let down, or heard of friends feeling let down, and said or thought of saying “You met them on a swingers site, what did you expect?”
It’s not that simple though is it? Just because we’re maybe a bit unconventional doesn’t mean we’re suddenly not human any more. You could fall for someone against your expectations just as easily here as anywhere else, and it’s important to remember that by the same token, someone could fall for you.
I think there’s a danger of falling into a lazy way of thinking, that because it’s a sex-oriented community, we can think of the people we play with simply as playthings and not human beings, that what we say to people in the heat of the moment doesn’t really matter because it’s just social nicety and we all know what we’re really here for. Well, what I want to say to everyone is yes, you know what you’re here for, but don’t believe too quickly that you know what the other person is here for. Don’t assume that because you think they came here just looking for playmates that means they won’t ever develop feelings for anyone they meet, and don’t assume that because you think they came here looking for a partner that means they want it to be you just because they had sex with you.
My advice to anyone who finds that a relationship at whatever level may be ‘progressing’ is to tell the other person how you feel and what you want, and ask them for the same information. Don’t beat about the bush, don’t assume, don’t hope, don’t guess, and above all don’t expect anything you haven’t been promised and don’t promise anything you’re not prepared to give.
Ice
Vix
Sex God
Agreed.
I have known of a few who have persuaded themselves that "s/he can change... it'll just be us, from now on" and seem upset that their old swinging partner wants to be... a swinger.
SilkandBigG
Sex God
We've kinda covered the ground in many and various threads like the " Cheating or not ?" threads or the " Singles Right or wrong ?" threads . Truth is SH cannot and does not exist in a vacuum , its part of society as a whole , and so are the individuals within it . As such they can rarely completely divorce themselves from the emotions and value systems they have been brought up with even if they believe that they can . So trying to talk about completely uncomplicated recreational sex , is like trying to talk about simple unfussy religion - impossible unless youre in a state of denial . I suppose in a way the two are similar religion and swingers , a lot of those involved want very much to believe in something that isnt quite as simple as they describe it , and often they are very very uncomfortable when challenged . the levels of pat cliched answer are similar too .
Peace
(did I just waffle and say nothing at all AGAIN !? )
rogerthedragon
Sex God
Excellent, thoughtful post as always Ice!
Not quite sure what to put in response, but I will say that emotions come into play for a lot of people when they start swinging and it isn't only single people.
Swinging can be a whole lot of fun but doesn't always lead down a straight, narrow path.
Roger the Dragon cool
alspals
Casanova
Quote by Ice Pie
My advice to anyone who finds that a relationship at whatever level may be ‘progressing’ is to tell the other person how you feel and what you want, and ask them for the same information. Don’t beat about the bush, don’t assume, don’t hope, don’t guess, and above all don’t expect anything you haven’t been promised and don’t promise anything you’re not prepared to give.
Ice

..interesting topic Ice, your last paragraph is of course well sage advice and the starting point for Swinging Utopia...whatever that might be..I too have read numerous posts by members referring to the written & unwritten 'rules' of being part of this alternative lifestyle community..of course in the saying..they're easily conformed to, but the actualite may be completely different.
I have (sadly) seen both sides of this coin having become deeply attracted to the fem of a couple who I felt was discreetly wanting to get closer to me, calling me at night when her hubby wasn't there, sharing her feelings about other aspects of her life etc...I was tempted & foolishly reciprocated these 'deeper' feelings only to be rebuffed and told that this was all part of the game she played mutually with her hubby, which enhanced their relationship..sort of a pleasure & pain scenario for them, that made their shagging more rewarding..needless to say I felt foolish, like a naughty puppy with its tail between its legs!
On the other hand a single girl I'd been having a very fulfilling nsa relationship with (at her instigation), become quite clingy and submissive..contrary to the person she was in her 'real' life..and in such situations where you're both available (I was at that time), it is even harder to extricate yourself or for there to be a positive outcome for both parties.
I guess with swinging, the rules can only be vague guidelines..nothing can be cast in stone..and even if you make promises to your life partner, these can easily be broken with the right (wrong) motivation..it's a high risk game that we all play and we have to acknowledge that, before we make assumptions about how strong or otherwise our life partner relationships are...I guess that's why adultery/fornication is made such a big deal of in The Bible!!
Sermon Over
Rev'd Al
Mikehboy19
Sexpert
Wow, ice, man you're like a mentor i never had. Sooo in-depth, so opinionated and yet extremely informative at the same time. I wonder if the person who made the original post that sparked the idea in your head is actually reading this and learning from what you have to say. Think i may know what post it was, but won't mention it due to the nature of what was wrote. Hopefully they are geting something from your rambling though.
I totally agree with you in all aspects of that post, as vast as the information is. But i think it all lays down to the two things that you have mentioned which sets your topic in motion
Quote by Ice Pie
Just because we’re maybe a bit unconventional doesn’t mean we’re suddenly not human any more
we can think of the people we play with simply as playthings and not human beings
Ice

Everyone here has one reason or another to be here. Whether it be love as you said or just straight out sex. But most people forget that we arn't like a shot you take when you go to the doctors, we arn't just a simple cure for your cravings. Yet we're just like your next door neighbour, your son or that friend you call on when you need a shoulder to cry on. We are people, individuals with feelings and emotions which come with the package. What i'm trying to get at is i think that a majority of users on this site simply forget this. When they start talking to someone it is just for that one thing only, disregarding the thoughts of that person anb that they may actually have an alteria motive looking for something other than just simple sex. So they just don't think about how that person thinks and feels, rather than thinking of them as a dildo or some other sexual object that they can call upon whenether they like. That being the reason why you get people who have had some tough experiences, through this site or other dating/sexual meeting sites, leaving themselfs feeling hurt. Maybe there is a tearm for this i just can't think of, who knows. I doubt that many of the active people on the forums are guilty of any of this, your here to chat meaning you do actually acknowledge that we are people n that. Anyway, thats my two cents, enough rambling for one night, i shall now hang up my thinking cap :P
SunBunny
Sex God
Sssshhhh. You haven't seen me............................... rolleyes
Mikehboy19
Sexpert
Quote by SunBunny
Sssshhhh. You haven't seen me............................... rolleyes

Who? Eh? what? where? when? :P
edinbughchris
Sexpert
I think a useful term maybe is 'casual intimacy'. The etiquette of swinging generally involves very low level emotional stuff - most emotional stuff should just be platonic. But there are people who like to fluff it up a bit, and it makes for more intense sexual experience very often. But it's like handling nuclear power rods and all persons must be very clear about the rules and what's going on for peeps not to get hurt.
This doesn't just go for swinging, it goes for various casual relationships, one night stands, 'fuck-buddy' relationships, on-off relationships, or shagging an ex. The challenge is to be open and upfront before you dip your emotional privates in their personal space to make sure it is consensual. If in doubt, don't.
Having said that it's easy to talk in absolutes when none of us, even with the best of intentions, are angels all the time. So let's look to sincere good intentions and not be hasty to get to high-falutin' when speaking about someone else's actions!
:rose: :cry: kiss redface :doh: biggrin passionkiss
HornyRed
Sex God
Quote by alspals

The rules can only be vague guidelines..nothing can be cast in stone..and even if you make promises to your life partner, these can easily be broken with the right (wrong) motivation.
Sermon Over
Rev'd Al

IMHO i would totally agree with this, to many rules leads to a greater chance of a rule being broken. We started with lots of rules, they`ve all gone now bar one, harm noone !
Talking and honesty is the most important to me.
I have seen couples in situations, where they emotionly get involved with whom they are swinging with which has lead to cheating and i think the reason for this was lack of communication, honestyandtrust.
cant understand anyone cheating, if your swinging lifestyle has been looked at, talked thru, truths and wants explained then there should be no reason for this to happen.
Emotions are different they can be uncontrollable and have lead to people unintentionally getting hurt.
On a positive note, it can be a happy and wonderful experience as a couple/single. I know this because we are really happy. smile :) :)
good thread ice pie wink
little__gem
Sex God
Quote by rogerthedragon
....... I will say that emotions come into play for a lot of people when they start swinging and it isn't only single people.
Swinging can be a whole lot of fun but doesn't always lead down a straight, narrow path.......

Aint that the truth.
I never in a million years thought I'd get attached to anyone here in any way and now I consider so many of you friends I'd be gutted to be without you.
Over the past couple of years my veiws on swinging have changed so much and they continue to change and evolve with every new experience I have. Consideration has to be given to other people, it's all about respect really and being brave enough to state your intentions. I do tend to run a mile when someone expresses deeper emotions for me than I am willing to reciprocate but that is the commitmentphobe in me. However, there are always unexpected things going to happen when emotions play a part. Some of it can really enrich your life beyond how you ever thought it could be and other times it can shatter your world.
kiss Gem. x
Unknown User
I'd completely agree, this type of lifestyle changes through out it's progression, which ever way you decide to progress, or how ever it may lead you is anyone guess!
But I always think that what ever the situation, yyou ALWAYS have to have the ability to communicate with the person or people.
If their is no communication, no set aims or opportunities are understood, and this gives the room for promblems.
My first ever experience with this was with a couple when I was at Uni, great fun in the pub, got on great, had been talking for a month or two, back to hotel did the deed, had a ball, but then started getting phone calls, for long talks, advice etc....
Questions and conversations that should of been going to her husband were coming to me, and I couldn't really approach her husband to tell him, as I didn't want him to get the wrong impression. As a result I slowly reduced contact with them both, but later found out, they had met some friends of mine, and she had started having an affair with the other man......
I think this all could have been avoided if they had just talked more, and it's just a shame, because they really were a lovely couple and cracking fun :P
It just seemed for me to re-inforce the understanding that communication is the most important factor in this lifestyle and something I stick to religiously...
sorry for getting slightly sidetracked too, it's rather early for proper thought lol
Don't forget your sun cream today :P cool
Unknown User
Dear Ice
worship :worship: :worship:
Libra__Love
Sex God
Quote by Ice Pied
My advice to anyone who finds that a relationship at whatever level may be ‘progressing’ is to tell the other person how you feel and what you want, and ask them for the same information. Don’t beat about the bush, don’t assume, don’t hope, don’t guess, and above all don’t expect anything you haven’t been promised and don’t promise anything you’re not prepared to give.
Ice

Top post Ice baby I always wanted to say that
:thumbup:
And good advice that.
I was lucky. I'm not the first and probably wont be the last who got inappropriately attached to the man with his own appreciation society. Being open and honest about developing emotions is the best way to go. So is knowing when to say, enough...seeing you is damaging me.
I don't BLAME the disinterested party. I'm gratefull, he released emotions in me I'd been too fearful to face until then.
I walked away KNOWING that yes, after all that pain from a shattered marriage I can love again.
Just not now
And I got me a really good friend.
So drinkies Chris....The Gods were smiling the day I met you.
duncanlondon
Sex God
It is ironic that swinging reintroduces many of the rules and values that it theoretically was designed to overcome.
There are some societies where friendly sex exists, the kind that many of us imagine swinging to be. From my own experience I would put South East Asians as being the most adept at managing sex. Most other peoples somehow end up with a variety of valuations, complications, misunderstandings and hurt feelings etc. This leads many to behave in a self protective way, and may result in a more narrow experience.
alspals
Casanova
Quote by duncanlondon
From my own experience I would put South East Asians as being the most adept at managing sex.

...could you tell us about that Duncan?? biggrin
Unknown User
Quote by Ice Pie
It says in the site blurb that ‘swinging’ is defined as “recreational sex between consenting adults”. It also points out that there’s more to it than that.
A lot more.

To me the key word here is “adults” and that has nothing to do with age. Through experience I can safely say there are some people on here (maybe just passing through) who lack the metal maturity to be involved in the swinging scene.
Ice, you are so right about people being here for different reasons – that is why things get fucked up when people don’t or won’t come clean and be up-front about their motives, needs and desires.
Why-o-why is it that some people just can’t be honest about what they want?
If they want a quick one-off leg over, rather than a friendship, because their thrill is gained from boning as many strangers as possible – just say it. There are plenty of others here for the same reason both male and female, singles and couples.
If they are looking for the love of their life (even though I totally agree that it might happen here – it is NOT the ideal place to look) be open about it.
Don’t say you want one thing whilst hoping it will be or become something else.
Don’t say you want one thing and really never have any intention of making it happen.
If you want a quick shag – say it!
If you want to make friendships (with or without sex) say it!
If you are looking for someone to meet from time to time – say it!
If you are looking for someone to go to clubs and parties with and nothing outside of that – say it!
And when someone tells you what they want and it is not what you are really looking for – tell them! Move on and find people that want the same thing.
Yes, sometimes things become something else of their own accord. That can’t be helped and again people should be open about what is changing. But to set out with a hidden agenda is bound to end up with at least one person upset.
My preference is to make new friends who share the same outlook on swinging rather than one-offs. I have made some good friends, very good friends. Singles and couples who I have grown to love as dear friends – who I happen to have “recreational sex” with. They would still be friends even if there was no sex.
However, I have used men as a piece of meat – but only the ones that are happy to be used as such. They have wanted a one-off, I have fancied a one-off – job done! We both get what we want.
One of the things I love the most about this place and this scene is that fact that you can be totally honest about what you want and why you are here. There is no need to be deceitful, lie, spin a yard, hide things etc.
I feel there are some people here that don’t have the maturity to be that honest.
I do feel there are some people here that have no respect for anyone but themselves.
I do feel there are some people who just don’t know why they are here.
That applies to both male and female.
Whatever it is you want – be adult enough to respect other people whilst you go out to find it.
I'll come back and read this later to see what a pile of babble it is redface
duncanlondon
Sex God
It is a generalisation as I haven't been around that much. The few relationships I had just ran really nicely. The get out was quite well managed, as one just dissapeared. I felt some loss, but we knew it was likely. The other more mature woman dealt with it really well. The rest have been working girls, who are much more giving and by the far the cleanest.
I just got the feeling that they were not so guarded of their own emotions as many westerners can be. I knew it was destined to be a limited experience but we enjoyed our time together. I think we were happy with what we had there and then and didn't need to dig anything out of each other.
I remember them very vividly.
kazswallows
Sex God
I don't think that its just singles that have this problem, it can happen to anyone, single, married, living together etc etc. People are only human and as such we have emoticions, unlike animals who have sex for mainly to reproduce.
Personally myself and Lee have a solid relationship (even thou' we fight like cat and dog), but before we decided to make the leap and become 'swingers' one of the things we talked about is the emotional side of it.
We both realise that it is possible to get attached and have feelings for someone else whether its in our swinging or vanilla friendships.
Swinging for us is about friendship more than sex, which means emoticion is there before we even climb into bed (or anywhere else). If either one of us thought for one moment that that emoticion was going to develop any further, then swinging would come to an end immediately while we evaluated our own relationship to find out whether its the swinging or our relationship that is the problem.
Because we have a strong relationship we were able to talk about the difficult matter of 'what if's'
As has been previously posted honesty is the best way forward
Excellent post Ice
smile
Happy__Cat
Sex God
Just some theories with no facts to back them up!
Perhaps, some people will promise the earth and swear undying love to get a shag. Having got that they move on leaving the other party upset and scarred. (No different to real life really)
Ok, as above –
Perhaps having sworn undying love based partly on the other persons sexual identity, they don’t want the other party to swing, because they get jealous. (Similar to real life when one party stops the other from socialising on their own)
As PoloLady said – Honesty is all important
VenusnMars
Sex God
Quote by Happy Cats
Just some theories with no facts to back them up!
Perhaps, some people will promise the earth and swear undying love to get a shag. Having got that they move on leaving the other party upset and scarred. (No different to real life really)
Ok, as above –
Perhaps having sworn undying love based partly on the other persons sexual identity, they don’t want the other party to swing, because they get jealous. (Similar to real life when one party stops the other from socialising on their own)
As PoloLady said – Honesty is all important

I love you :twisted:
Venusxxx
Happy__Cat
Sex God
Quote by VenusnMars
Just some theories with no facts to back them up!
Perhaps, some people will promise the earth and swear undying love to get a shag. Having got that they move on leaving the other party upset and scarred. (No different to real life really)
Ok, as above –
Perhaps having sworn undying love based partly on the other persons sexual identity, they don’t want the other party to swing, because they get jealous. (Similar to real life when one party stops the other from socialising on their own)
As PoloLady said – Honesty is all important

I love you :twisted:
Venusxxx
Are you sure?
I mean really sure? God, I'm in such torment! I want to believe you, I really do.
I am a fragile flower, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm feeling really vulnerable right now, but the way you said it, has struck a chord.
Ok, I'm going to be your little fluffy puppy dog for as long as you want me.
musketeer
Sex God
Quote by PoloLady
Ice, you are so right about people being here for different reasons – that is why things get fucked up when people don’t or won’t come clean and be up-front about their motives, needs and desires.
Why-o-why is it that some people just can’t be honest about what they want?

Certainly a thought provoking thread, made me wonder why I am here. I'm moderately excited about dogging, but not so much that I want to go out and look in Winter or if the outlook is threatening. Moderately excited about gang bangs etc. Not really interested in a swinging relationship.....err...so...
Well I think I'm here (A) to exchange thoughts with people where I can be completely open about myself, and (B) I suppose it would be rather nice to meet someone from here who knew all about ones little foibles in advance.
It's not as easy as one might think to have such a conversation with someone you just met in the library. I will definitely be turning up munch-wise when I've cleared out from here.
MikeNorth
Sex God
Quote by PoloLady
. Through experience I can safely say there are some people on here (maybe just passing through) who lack the metal maturity to be involved in the swinging scene.

Are you talking about the iron in their rod, or their steel will?
Actually, that's a brilliant post Polo, it's all about being honest about what you want, for which maturity and self-awareness are vital.
Mike.
Unknown User
Quote by MikeNorth
. Through experience I can safely say there are some people on here (maybe just passing through) who lack the metal maturity to be involved in the swinging scene.

Are you talking about the iron in their rod, or their steel will?
Actually, that's a brilliant post Polo, it's all about being honest about what you want, for which maturity and self-awareness are vital.
Mike.
redface and it is too late to edit it becaise it's already been quoted mad
Any old iron...
Any old iron...
Any any any old iron...
lol :lol: :lol:
tattyxpx
Orgasminator
worship :thumbup: bolt
all i can say on this thread so far... might get back to ya's when i can find the right words to say rolleyes
kiss
Unknown User
Quote by tattyxpx
worship :thumbup: bolt
all i can say on this thread so far... might get back to ya's when i can find the right words to say rolleyes
kiss

Tatty Hun :kiss:
Try these words :-
"Words of Truth like Love and Youth are ashes on a Pyre"
Fred
westerross
Sex God
Quote by Ice Pie
It’s quite rare for me to start a thread, but I’m motivated to start this one by a recent post that’s now been removed. I’m not complaining about the removal, there was something in it that necessitated that, but I do think it raised an important issue that I think everyone, especially the single members, need to think about seriously, so I’m going to try and get the ball rolling on a discussion.
Brace yourselves for collision, because this is about people’s feelings and I think it could get ‘heated’.
It says in the site blurb that ‘swinging’ is defined as “recreational sex between consenting adults”. It also points out that there’s more to it than that.
A lot more.
I regard it as the major strength of SH that it doesn’t tie itself down to any one particular definition. In some ways, that’s also a weakness. Well, no, not a weakness exactly, but a potential for some people to miss the point. And that point is, there are people here with all sorts of attitudes, all sorts of tastes, all sorts of motivations, and, importantly, all sorts of different ideas of what “Swinging” is all about. And that presents a potential for conflict when one person’s expectations don’t match someone else’s.
A few people are here looking for instant physical gratification, a few are here looking for love, and most are here looking for any one of a hundred things in between, be it platonic, flirting, sex with or without friendship, friendship with or without sex, one on one relationships that are exclusive or not exclusive... I could go on but you get the idea – SH is a sex-oriented site, but it’s also a community made of individuals with varying wants and needs. I think it’s important then, that when we go beyond the stage of exchanging online banter with anyone, we need to be clear about what we want, and about what the people we’re associating with want.
All of which is a rather long-winded way of getting to the point (at last, I hear you cry) I wanted to make, but I wanted to set the context of what I have to say, which is this:
Yes, it’s a swinging community, not a dating agency and we all know the difference. That doesn’t mean we should dismiss the possibility of finding our soulmate here because I know that has happened for some people, but it does, I think, mean we shouldn’t come here expecting to find them. I also think it means if you do happen to meet someone and develop feelings that go beyond sex and/or friendship, you need to be extremely careful, for their sake as well as yours, about how you deal with that.
How many times have we felt let down, or heard of friends feeling let down, and said or thought of saying “You met them on a swingers site, what did you expect?”
It’s not that simple though is it? Just because we’re maybe a bit unconventional doesn’t mean we’re suddenly not human any more. You could fall for someone against your expectations just as easily here as anywhere else, and it’s important to remember that by the same token, someone could fall for you.
I think there’s a danger of falling into a lazy way of thinking, that because it’s a sex-oriented community, we can think of the people we play with simply as playthings and not human beings, that what we say to people in the heat of the moment doesn’t really matter because it’s just social nicety and we all know what we’re really here for. Well, what I want to say to everyone is yes, you know what you’re here for, but don’t believe too quickly that you know what the other person is here for. Don’t assume that because you think they came here just looking for playmates that means they won’t ever develop feelings for anyone they meet, and don’t assume that because you think they came here looking for a partner that means they want it to be you just because they had sex with you.
My advice to anyone who finds that a relationship at whatever level may be ‘progressing’ is to tell the other person how you feel and what you want, and ask them for the same information. Don’t beat about the bush, don’t assume, don’t hope, don’t guess, and above all don’t expect anything you haven’t been promised and don’t promise anything you’re not prepared to give.
Ice

I wonder what inspired this - I obviously missed the deleted thread so I don't think I can comment. Without the context it seems a pretty random subject to open up - care to elucidate?
duncanlondon
Sex God
Ice Pie.
Are you simply saying that you want to fall in love?
SilkandBigG
Sex God
Quote by duncanlondon
Ice Pie.
Are you simply saying that you want to fall in love?

Its a way more common desire amongst the " predatory" " sex obsessed" single male swinger than they would like to admit :-)