the end what would you do ?

11 Oct 2006

Hereâ€™s a question an possibly a good debate
Your with someone, swinger or vanilla doesnâ€™t matter
And after a while you think â€œ this isnâ€™t going wellâ€
However you do care about them an donâ€™t want to hurt there feelings
What do you do ?
1/ Do you tell them its not right an they should move on !
2/ Or ,because you donâ€™t want to upset them do you stay an let things
Take there natural course trying to stay away from them as much as pos hoping they get the hint till you part wayâ€™s ?
This is after you have tried to sit an talk it through
What do you think?
If it was me I think I would like the first option!
an i bet this has been done befor rolleyes

would just like to point out that this is a hyperthetical question

11 Oct 2006

I think we have all been there. become involved and suddenly realised its a dreadful mistake, and the gut feeling is that its all wrong and you want out asap. Then come all the wriggle out lines. But they don't work. This other person still sees a way through it to you. Its the last thing you wanted or expected.
If you care you're already hooked ? So you have to live it out or leave it out. rolleyes

By that I mean that you may have to choose to stay with the woman, because you feel that you are obligated; and work out something. Or decide to break from her in a positive and finished way.
Clever nice explanations are no barrier to a determined woman. There are many who have worked through such a scenario to keep the man who would have bolted if it had been easy to do so.
You may have to make a point. This means saying in terms which are not misunderstood or misinterpreted, what it is you have decided is right for you. Its her responsbility about her life, not yours, at this stage.
So good luck and I hope you decide well. cool

11 Oct 2006

Quote by duncanlondon
If you care you're already hooked ? So you have to live it out or leave it out.

im goin to have to disagree with that
if you care an things are not good you should care enough to walk away an give the person a chance ! ?

11 Oct 2006

okay.

11 Oct 2006

Think you just answerd your own question searcher!
me, I would go for option 1.

11 Oct 2006

Quote by Robin Prince of Thieves
Think you just answerd your own question searcher!
me, I would go for option 1.

ah! but thats just my opinion an im sure iv missed some other thing's that could be done ?

11 Oct 2006

oh blimey.. really wanted to say something here...
but jibberish was once again all that flowed...
sage I aint!
LP

11 Oct 2006

Quote by LondonPlaything
oh blimey.. really wanted to say something here...
but jibberish was once again all that flowed...
sage I aint!
LP

aww! go on m8 say it wink

11 Oct 2006

I'm not sure I could do the thread, and indeed myself, justice Searcher...
Your Option 1 would really be the best option.. but there are always the ensuing emotional attatchment/entanglements...
possably once the thought has been put out in the open, the *care* that each person feels for the other can then over muddy the whole bloody mess in the first place!
Its a painfull place to be in in the first instance... attempting to carry through your wishes, with the best intentions for all concerned, can be more painful still...and demands a great deal of courage ... and dare I say, a hardening of your own emotions to go through with it.
All in all... an emotional minefield...
and a little of that jibberish I previously mentioned....
>>note to all: don't let me back in this thread please....ta!<<
gorn
LP

11 Oct 2006

Quote by LondonPlaything
I'm not sure I could do the thread, and indeed myself, justice Searcher...
Your Option 1 would really be the best option.. but there are always the ensuing emotional attatchment/entanglements...
possably once the thought has been put out in the open, the *care* that each person feels for the other can then over muddy the whole bloody mess in the first place!
Its a painfull place to be in in the first instance... attempting to carry through your wishes, with the best intentions for all concerned, can be more painful still...and demands a great deal of courage ... and dare I say, a hardening of your own emotions to go through with it.
All in all... an emotional minefield...
and a little of that jibberish I previously mentioned....
>>note to all: don't let me back in this thread please....ta!<<
gorn
LP

hmm! good point well presented m8 wink

now we need a lady's point of veiw ?

11 Oct 2006

can't remember what the question was...

11 Oct 2006

I would choose option 1 but having recently been on the receiving end of it, I have to say it's not nice. :cry:

11 Oct 2006

ok so its option 1
but what if when you do this the other person starts the emotional blackmail thing :shock:
you know the after all we'v done an all the good times
oh! an lets not forget the stalkin thing an the txt when drunk :shock:
what do you do then?
an i dont want to hear the "id just ignor them " one cos we all know if you do care you cant !!!!!
so come on whats next?
an varca hun im sorry to hear that hope your ok kiss

11 Oct 2006

Quote by sercher01
ok so its option 1
but what if when you do this the other person starts the emotional blackmail thing :shock:
you know the after all we'v done an all the good times
oh! an lets not forget the stalkin thing an the txt when drunk :shock:
what do you do then?
an i dont want to hear the "id just ignor them " one cos we all know if you do care you cant !!!!!

Definitely option 1. If they send you texts, block the number (can you do that?). If they seriously stalk you, report it to the police. Chances are it won't be long-term though, just a last desperate attempt to get back together. Once they see it's not going to happen, they'd back off.

11 Oct 2006

Quote by Freckledbird
ok so its option 1
but what if when you do this the other person starts the emotional blackmail thing :shock:
you know the after all we'v done an all the good times
oh! an lets not forget the stalkin thing an the txt when drunk :shock:
what do you do then?
an i dont want to hear the "id just ignor them " one cos we all know if you do care you cant !!!!!

Definitely option 1. If they send you texts, block the number (can you do that?). If they seriously stalk you, report it to the police. Chances are it won't be long-term though, just a last desperate attempt to get back together. Once they see it's not going to happen, they'd back off.
totaly agree FB hun "BUT" what if you get a bunny boiler (an you get men that do it to)
an your not strong minded or your goin through some crap an just cant be bothered so you go back rolleyes

what then?
( an we all know someone who has had this problem confused

)

11 Oct 2006

If someone went back because they didn't have the strength of character to turn away, then they deserve all they get. At the end of the day, they wouldn't like/appreciate the person any more and the relationship would be empty.

11 Oct 2006

Looking at it from the other persons point of view if someone didn't really want to be with me i'd rather them just tell me than stay with me out of fear of hurting my feelings, i think i would be more hurt at the fact my relationship had been a lie for the past months/years than be told they wasn't happy in the first place, but to answer your question i would have to tell them, if your not happy its going to show anyway

11 Oct 2006

I am sorry but the situation just doesn't make sense...
It is meant to be someone you care about and don't want to upset... yet you think they are a bunny boiler?
Why would you care about such a person who obviously doesn't give a shit about how they are making you feel? confused

PS - who is it you are trying to dump?

11 Oct 2006

Quote by naughtynymphos1
Looking at it from the other persons point of view if someone didn't really want to be with me i'd rather them just tell me than stay with me out of fear of hurting my feelings, i think i would be more hurt at the fact my relationship had been a lie for the past months/years than be told they wasn't happy in the first place, but to answer your question i would have to tell them, if your not happy its going to show anyway

hmmm! food for thought
nice one NN good angle
wink

11 Oct 2006

Option 3
Tell them you're Gay/Straight.....delete as appropriate wink

12 Oct 2006

Quote by PoloLady
I am sorry but the situation just doesn't make sense...
It is meant to be someone you care about and don't want to upset... yet you think they are a bunny boiler?
Why would you care about such a person who obviously doesn't give a shit about how they are making you feel?
PS - who is it you are trying to dump?

ah! pololady the voice of reson wink

its not me polo its just a situation that i know of an it realy is goin like ive sed
(ok so not strictley hypothetical but people on here would never know the person anyway so !)
an the bit iv put in red !!!!!!!!!
i hadnt thought of that one ty hun

12 Oct 2006

Something else to think about....
When a person crosses the line from being upset into the land of malicious hate i.e. bunny-boiler territory - can they really cross the line back to the land of loving with the same person... without at least bringing back some baggage?
If we think of the emotions which now drive the bunny boiler (hate/revenge/spite/pride/etc) do they easily transform back to unconditional love at the drop of a hat (or at the mention of "OK, I'll come back) ? Are they the type of intense emotions which can be pushed aside instantly?
I would say not - though it may be something that could happen over time, if both parties 'want' to work at it. Having said that, if one of them didn't want to work at it before the rabbit was held over the pot - what is going to make it any easier now?
Is it really doing anyone any favours saying "I'll come back" if the motivation for this is just to save the bunny? Is such a situation likely to be a path to fulfilment or is it more likely that in time resentment will rear its head?

12 Oct 2006

Quote by Freckledbird
Definitely option 1. If they send you texts, block the number (can you do that?).

Nope, unless you are on the same network. Even then you have to prove harrasment or abuse.
What ever you do, it's going to hurt someone unless they feel the same "it ain't working".
Maybe, the thing is to pre-empt it and become more aloof earlier on and let it die naturally.

12 Oct 2006

Quote by Phoenix
Definitely option 1. If they send you texts, block the number (can you do that?).

Nope, unless you are on the same network. Even then you have to prove harrasment or abuse.
What ever you do, it's going to hurt someone unless they feel the same "it ain't working".
Maybe, the thing is to pre-empt it and become more aloof earlier on and let it die naturally.
Individual texts/numbers cant be blocked on the network but certain handsets do have the option.
I do know the person that sercher is talking about & he's a real nice guy so I think it would be hard for him to hurt the girls feelings but it would be better for both in the long run, however advice is only taken when its ready to be heard & I dont think he is ready to hear it just yet.

12 Oct 2006

i guess i must just make life too complex for myself judging by the posts.
when i was young relationships either just fizzled out naturally or they ended it with me!!! boo hoo
with my first marriage i think it took months to get around to saying it's over i want out, we tried andtried and re-tried, okay maybe only one of us was trying as the other was knobbing someone else!!!
however, when it did happen it was like a blinding light, like Saul on the road to Damscus jobbie, a reveation. I got up found a new home, hired a transit van, shoved some furniture and ny daughter in it and drove away..
simple as that really!!!

12 Oct 2006

Quote by mostlycurious
i guess i must just make life too complex for myself judging by the posts.
when i was young relationships either just fizzled out naturally or they ended it with me!!! boo hoo
with my first marriage i think it took months to get around to saying it's over i want out, we tried andtried and re-tried, okay maybe only one of us was trying as the other was knobbing someone else!!!
however, when it did happen it was like a blinding light, like Saul on the road to Damscus jobbie, a reveation. I got up found a new home, hired a transit van, shoved some furniture and ny daughter in it and drove away..
simple as that really!!!

Same here. In my marriage it took a couple of years of trying & trying before I finally realised that it had turned into something that just wasn't going to work and finally, I didn't want it to work, so I went.
Having a small child really complicated things for me, as the father, 'cos you really do lose your son when you leave your wife. Well, I have anyway.
It's really hard to make that break when you still have intense feelings for your partner. In my case I just had to make the break 'cos neither of us was happy with the other, and we both wanted each other to change to help resolve our probs but neither could.
Even now, months later, the contact with my wife is hurtful 'cos she hasn't let go as fully as I appear to have. I have to be mindful that she could turn into that 'bunny boiler'.
Years ago I was in a 3-4 year long relationship that just seemed to die out for me. Working long hours and not seeing each other helped but I realised I just didn't want / need her in my life so I just walked away. Option 1 in this thread (getting back to the point of this thread for a wee while!!!) I told her how I felt and just went. She gave me some grief with phone calls and letters (yes letters!!! Remember those?!!! This was when mobile phones were the size of a suitcase!!!)
But it must have been better for her to have heard it straight from me than for me to be miserable, gripe at her, make her unhappy and then just spiral downward until we were both so pissed off we both wanted it over.
I didn't like hurting her like I did & I nearly said 'Let's get back together then' on one of her many phone calls but I dread to think what situation that might have created.

12 Oct 2006

I would/have done, tell them straight.
I know it's hard, but it is not fair on either party to carry on with a relationship when one party wants out.

13 Oct 2006

Quote by lilacgem
Definitely option 1. If they send you texts, block the number (can you do that?).

Nope, unless you are on the same network. Even then you have to prove harrasment or abuse.
What ever you do, it's going to hurt someone unless they feel the same "it ain't working".
Maybe, the thing is to pre-empt it and become more aloof earlier on and let it die naturally.
Individual texts/numbers cant be blocked on the network but certain handsets do have the option.
I do know the person that sercher is talking about & he's a real nice guy so I think it would be hard for him to hurt the girls feelings but it would be better for both in the long run, however advice is only taken when its ready to be heard & I dont think he is ready to hear it just yet.

Quote by sercher01
would just like to point out that this is a hyperthetical question

i though this was a hyperthetical question??? dunno

13 Oct 2006

Quote by sercher01
I am sorry but the situation just doesn't make sense...
It is meant to be someone you care about and don't want to upset... yet you think they are a bunny boiler?
Why would you care about such a person who obviously doesn't give a shit about how they are making you feel?
PS - who is it you are trying to dump?

ah! pololady the voice of reson wink

its not me polo its just a situation that i know of an it realy is goin like ive sed
(ok so not strictley hypothetical but people on here would never know the person anyway so !)
an the bit iv put in red !!!!!!!!!
i hadnt thought of that one ty hun

13 Oct 2006

As lilacgem :rose: has pointed out NN I have sed itâ€™s a very good friend who nobody on here will ever meet so although not hypothetical it may as well be
I started this thread because I am at a loss and donâ€™t know how to help him
I knew that my friends on here would help and give me some ideas on how to deal with this situation
And I have to say a big thank youto everyone who has posted in here it has opened my eyes to how he may feel and so given me ways to help (I hope )
This seems to be an ongoing thing so please donâ€™t stop posting as any ideas on how I can help a very dear friend will be most appreciated
Once again a very big thank you to those who have posted worship