Well, DaveJ has it about right , but don't be put off good SH members. A nice , modern dairy cow has many advantages. Just think, a mere 10 tonnes of silage, or 3 tonnes of hay ,would keep her fed, as long as you have about an acre of grass to supplement her-mere chicken feed. As for her 'poo', well, I doubt whether you'd need to cater for more than 2 tonnes of slurry per month. She'd need about 3 tonnes of bought in 'compound feed' per year and about £200 in vets fees and breeding costs. So, cheap to keep-AND, don't forget , you'd get about 9,000 litres of milk (15,840 pints) of fresh milk....should be enough to keep your cornflakes moist. If you haven't got a milking machine, well, that could prove problematic....if you started hand-milking at 7 am ,you might just be finished in time for the afternoon milking. Of course you'd have to comply with all the 'farm assurance' criteria and the requirements of Defra-but that paperwork shouldn't take more than 2 hours/day. Yes, ok, if she dies, that's a problem, as you aren't allowed to bury her-but you can bring in professionals who would dispose of her for the price of a small bungalow. it's so fortunate that farmers are paid SO much for the milk-you will be rich!! As we speak, if you are lucky, you might get close to 11p per pint!! Almost as much as it costs to produce! (how much are you paying at supermarket??) So, start thinking of a name -Ermentrude is a good one-and book your farmer and his cow asap.
Don't forget-you never appreciate money and time untl you haven't enough to cope!!!!
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Welcome to the SH Theme Park
Sex God
Ah good old Ermintrude another favourite from the days when life was simplistic and my biggest decision was a tub or a mivvi.
Sex God
If jobs are still going at the swingheaven theme park, I would like to offer my services as the guy who stands at the bottom of the helter skelter and collects the mats. Oh and by the way the helter skelter is reserved for the girlies only.
:shock:
:shock:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: 
Sex God
Ah MISSCHIEF love swing strapper inner sounds good to me... I hadnt considered the lack of comfort that would come from sitting on those prickly mats... I will report for my 12 hour seven days a week duties immediately.
Bagsy being the 'cool dude' that takes your half-crown on the dodgems-or bumping cars as we knew them. I was always in awe of them: riding on the back of the cars with the pretty girls in, then coolly leaping on to another, pockets bulging with cash. Always think of them when i hear 'That'll be the Day'. DaveJ: fancy working the Dodgemsd with me mate?
Sex God
Now you mention it Arti I kinda like the dodgems idea, I rechon we could do very well outa them. Now I know this is a free park and we cant short change people on a freebie ride, but I fancy looking slightly menacing and working with that wonderfull smell of the overhead power system. Now if you can resist the temptation to bring along livestock, we could have a caravan out on the perimiter and do a bit of canoodling with the girlies.
Oh many and hour I would stand at the Dodgems, in awe of the workers. With their shiny polyester trousers and lived in snowflake patterned burgundy jumpers. I was the expert at getting my dodgem stuck in the corner, so not only did they have to leap so bravely onto my car, but they also had to lean right over me to turn the steering wheel.
Sigh :inlove:
Sigh :inlove:
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
Forthcoming exhibitions at the SHAG (Swinging Heaven Art Gallery) will include the following:
Fanny Hill's Bedtime Reading.
The Art Gallery and Museum authorities are delighted to announce some of the collection's latest acquisitions; among them John Cleland's orginal manuscript of Fanny Hill, or Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure (1750), Did You Ever See Such Damned Stuff… (1760) and George Peacock's The Exhibition of Female Flagellation (1785).
The Exhibition runs from June 21 - and entry is free. Entrance to the Curator's office to see a particularly fine example of a French daybed, as humped upon by Fragonard's favourite mistress Louise, can also be arranged by special request. A demonstration of eighteenth century love making techniques is available.
DIY Through the Ages
A view of masturbation and sex toys through the ages from Ancient Greek strap-ons, through to seventeenth century Italian dildos and up to the present day battery-operated rabbit. The collection also includes Casanova's favourite sheepskin sheath and Don Juan's codpiece. Many thanks to Madame Fouquet for her loan of Casanova's condom.
The exhibition date has yet to be confirmed, subject to all exhibits being tested for functionality.
Sappho xxx
Forthcoming exhibitions at the SHAG (Swinging Heaven Art Gallery) will include the following:
Fanny Hill's Bedtime Reading.
The Art Gallery and Museum authorities are delighted to announce some of the collection's latest acquisitions; among them John Cleland's orginal manuscript of Fanny Hill, or Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure (1750), Did You Ever See Such Damned Stuff… (1760) and George Peacock's The Exhibition of Female Flagellation (1785).
The Exhibition runs from June 21 - and entry is free. Entrance to the Curator's office to see a particularly fine example of a French daybed, as humped upon by Fragonard's favourite mistress Louise, can also be arranged by special request. A demonstration of eighteenth century love making techniques is available.
DIY Through the Ages
A view of masturbation and sex toys through the ages from Ancient Greek strap-ons, through to seventeenth century Italian dildos and up to the present day battery-operated rabbit. The collection also includes Casanova's favourite sheepskin sheath and Don Juan's codpiece. Many thanks to Madame Fouquet for her loan of Casanova's condom.
The exhibition date has yet to be confirmed, subject to all exhibits being tested for functionality.
Sappho xxx
Sex God
will, i have a few days off work.. any chance of a job??????
The SHAG Curator is always extremely grateful for any donation, gifts and temporary loans and offers to show her appreciation accordingly. Any items entrusted to the SHAG will receive the greatest and gentlest care in accordance with accepted conservation methods and will be kept under controlled conditions with regards to temperature, humidity and light - therefore no teethmarks, overlooked bodily fluids, flash photography or hot and steamy conditions. (The public are thanked for their co-operation with Museum policy.)
The recent offer of the loan of a prehistoric dildo from Mr and Mrs Flintstone of Bedrock is gratefully accepted and will take pride of place as a crowning example of the quality of manmade sex toys from purely natural resources. As the artefact already has a provenance with affadavits, the Curator does not feel she needs to personally test it. The very thought makes her eyes water.
Sappho xxx
The recent offer of the loan of a prehistoric dildo from Mr and Mrs Flintstone of Bedrock is gratefully accepted and will take pride of place as a crowning example of the quality of manmade sex toys from purely natural resources. As the artefact already has a provenance with affadavits, the Curator does not feel she needs to personally test it. The very thought makes her eyes water.
Sappho xxx
