Whats the best insult you have ever had?

5 May 2007

Just sitting here putting off what I should be doing when I thought of something that happened the other day. I was sitting in a cafe in our local shopping centre when a woman coming down the escalator managed to catch my eye. Bouncing over to me she said "Oh did you see my badge?" Glancing down I saw she was wearing a badge that said "Want to do work from home? Ask me how" Having said no thank you I wasn't interested she then said "Are you sure? Don't you want to lose some of that weight? You cant't be happy being like that. Surely you would rather be fit and healthy?"
Not sure how far my jaw had dropped at this, and as usual in these situations I was so totally gobsmacked at her bloody cheek I couldn't come up with any witty riposte to floor her. I did think of standing up and bouncing her around with my belly but knew that my unfit state would probably preclude that.
When my son came back and I told him what she had said he strangely enough didn't find it nearly as amusing as I had but said if he had heard her he would have poured my coffee over her. Waste of a good latte I would think. :beer:
Have you ever been floored by a comment or insult that left you speechless?
Now off to the bathroom to check I have enough incontinence pads and that my zimmer frame is properly oiled whip

5 May 2007

I had the worst ever sexual experience EVER and the guy said to me "you could come visit me in London when you're thin!" rolleyes

Needless to say I never saw him again! wink

I got an email from him about six months after that saying "Hi... how're you?"
I resisted the urge to reply with "still fat!" and pressed delete!
Twat! :roll:

5 May 2007

Quote by buckingfabe
I did think of standing up and bouncing her around with my belly but knew that my unfit state would probably preclude that.

TY - That bit took me a while to recover from

:rotflmao:
Mine was a compliment followed by an insult;
A friend of a friend stopped to compliment me on my new skinny jeans, saying they looked really good on me and where did i buy them from etc .... Just as she was going, she then said "Mind you, you are far too skinny for my liking though, you look like you need a decent meal in you" :shock: I did not say a thing as she walked away as i was actually all confused :shock:

5 May 2007

10.2

5 May 2007

OOOOhhhhh I just thought of another compliment/insult type of comment.
Happened many years ago when my son was a toddler. We had gone back to New Zealand to introduce him to my family. My Mum and son and I were in the local supermarket when Mum got talking to a friend of hers. She introduced us and the friend looked at my son and said "Isn't he a handsome little boy" She then looked me up and down carefully and said "Does he take after his father?" I was nearly helpless with laughter after that but the woman couldn't see what I was laughing at. Mind you to be fair my son has jet black hair (like his father) and i am quite fair so knew what she meant. Just thought it could have been worded better. biggrin

5 May 2007

I thought of another... only your mum could get away with this one! rolleyes

"You know... you'd be stunning if you were thin!"
Yeah... thanks for that... you might as well just have said "you're fat and ugly!" I mean really! It's just as well I have a thick skin or I'd have an eating disorder. Actually... perhaps I do... I just forget to vomit!! lol

5 May 2007

The best one i get is actually from my own mother;
From being a teenager and she still says it;
My sister has very high cheek bones, perfect lips etc... She is the type that can step out of bed with no make up on and hair tousled, looking as fresh as a daisy and oozing sexiness - I am the type that gets up with a residue of mascara around the eyes, fringe stood on end and looks at no one until i've had at least two coffees and three fags.
My mother used to and still does rave about her looks, then says to me, never mind pet, you do have a fantastic bum :shock:
For years i did think of walking in to places backwards when with my sister lol

As i've got older i often wonder if its my mothers polite way of calling me an ass!!! :giggle: :giggle:

5 May 2007

Just ask Rpm for a couple of insults that he uses wink

he seems a bit partial to giving them out :boxing: :giggle: :giggle: passionkiss

Louise xx

5 May 2007

On cam in here
"she's got a fanny like a ripped out fireplace"
Luckily, I was rotflmao

rather than mad

5 May 2007

An old mate of mine always too keen to divulge details of his exploits would describe his latest conquest as such...
"...it was like chuckin' a sausage up an ally.." :shock:
but unknown to him his long suffering ex told us he had the smallest willie she had ever seen... :giggle:

5 May 2007

Quote by louise_and_joe
Just ask Rpm for a couple of insults that he uses he seems a bit partial to giving them out :boxing: :giggle: :giggle:
Louise xx

I wouldn't dare insult you!
...or did I? redface

...that's the idea
...just play dumb & the dozy bint will forget everything I said! :twisted:
bolt

5 May 2007

Quote by winchwench
On cam in here
"she's got a fanny like a ripped out fireplace"
Luckily, I was rather than

Yeah... I saw that on Changing Rooms once :giggle:

5 May 2007

Quote by Dirtygirlie
"You know... you'd be stunning if you were thin!"

You've always looked damn fine to me whenever i perve your gallery innocent

hwoar:

5 May 2007

'He reminds me of couple of piece of flooring material of in-sufficient length.'
Thick as 2 short planks

5 May 2007

Quote by Dirtygirlie
I thought of another... only your mum could get away with this one!

Ahh....don't mum's come out with classics at times....
confused

Mine does it all the time, I remember when I was about 14, I was quite a gangly teenager, and a friend of mine had just dropped something off at my parents house, as she left my mum turned round to me and said 'isn't she beautiful' and then after a slight pause she said 'don't worry darling, you're just an ugly duckling' :shock:
or there was the time that I was trying on my first ever ball dress (very excited about it as well) I tried the first full length dress on and came out of the changing room to show my mum....she looked up and said 'well now we know you can't wear anything long you look like a bean pole' :?
the last time I saw my mum she said hello to me and then looked at me in the way only she does and said 'you know I really must call my lady to come and get your colours done'
or there was the time she saw me wearing a new dress.....I knew a comment was on the way because of the way she was looking at me, and then she said, 'you know darling, that dress would look fabulous on me'
:?
It a wonder I've not been scarred for life with some of the stuff she comes out with! :? lol

5 May 2007

As part of my act I have to come up with loads of ways to put down hecklers/other members of the team. Some of them I shamelessly stole and others are original. I've kept the best ones back :twisted:
He has the body of a god: Buddha.
If you are what you eat she must eat fat people.
Is it true that when you die you're leaving your body to science fiction?
Are you Brad Pitt's big brother? Cess.
Look-living proof care in the community doesn't work
You're a real action man: crew cut, realistic scar, no genitals.
When they made you they broke the mould. Some of it grew back.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
How many times DO I have to flush before you go away?
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young & stupid.
See, you should never drink on an empty head.
Not so much a has-been as a won't-be.
You have delusions of adequacy.
Is that your face or are you trying it out for an ugly sister?
PS DirtyGirlie, He was an idiot for sure and proof of number 5 lol

5 May 2007

Quote by targaid
As part of my act I have to come up with loads of ways to put down hecklers/other members of the team. Some of them I shamelessly stole and others are original. I've kept the best ones back :twisted:
He has the body of a god: Buddha.
If you are what you eat she must eat fat people.
Is it true that when you die you're leaving your body to science fiction?
Are you Brad Pitt's big brother? Cess.
Look-living proof care in the community doesn't work
You're a real action man: crew cut, realistic scar, no genitals.
When they made you they broke the mould. Some of it grew back.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
How many times DO I have to flush before you go away?
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young & stupid.
See, you should never drink on an empty head.
Not so much a has-been as a won't-be.
You have delusions of adequacy.
Is that your face or are you trying it out for an ugly sister?
PS DirtyGirlie, He was an idiot for sure and proof of number 5

Thank you! kiss

Do you know there are a couple of those particular lines that could come in handy... in the very near future! wink

5 May 2007

mine wasnt an insult really but was at local pub last week and local tosspot came up and said hi but talking to my chest, I told him if he came back in 2 weeks I would learn them to talk lol

5 May 2007

Can do no more that tell the truth, DG. worship

5 May 2007

Quote by tina1
mine wasnt an insult really but was at local pub last week and local tosspot came up and said hi but talking to my chest, I told him if he came back in 2 weeks I would learn them to talk

how long ago was that :lol:

5 May 2007

Quote by markz
how long ago was that

Yeah! I wanna hear 'em talk too! :karaoke:
bolt

5 May 2007

your really pretty for a fat bird! rolleyes

5 May 2007

Does a backhanded compliment count? I had a PM from somebody on the forum when I had a face picture as my main profile pic.... "You are a lot better looking than I thought you would be!". :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:
I did take it in the manner it was intended!

5 May 2007

Quote by markz
mine wasnt an insult really but was at local pub last week and local tosspot came up and said hi but talking to my chest, I told him if he came back in 2 weeks I would learn them to talk

how long ago was that :lol:
well its proving harder than I thought :lol:

5 May 2007

I never really get memorabley insulted, I find i'm better at insulting then i am at being insulted.
I think the best recent insult i gave someone was *you have all the humour and charm of a chest infection*

5 May 2007

A long time ago when I was very skinny I could get into size 26 jeans my best mates parents would always say to me "I bet you have to run round in the shower to get wet"

5 May 2007

Quote by tweeky
A long time ago when I was very skinny I could get into size 26 jeans my best mates parents would always say to me "I bet you have to run round in the shower to get wet"

Please rephrase that to read 26" jeans! :shock:
lol

5 May 2007

Conversation with Mum on passing my driving test
Me: Guess who's just passed her driving test then?
Mum: Who?
Me: Me who do you think!
Mum: Well I dont know how you managed that!

5 May 2007

Working with kids means I have overheard some brilliant insults...all said with a sweet smile of innocence masking the cheeky little sods' real intentions.
"Are you a boy? Your boobies are very little." (not to me, funnily enough)
"Why does he have teeth like a rabbit?" (said within earshot or said boy)
"Do you have spots because you're a teenager?" (No, I'm 24. I just have spots...just you wait for puberty!!)
etc etc...
However,the best one, and it was said to me by a parent, "When are you due?". When I looked bewildered she clarified with, "The baby, when are you expecting." Groan. I don't know who was more embarrassed. I was a bloody size twelve by the way, just a bit bloated!

6 May 2007

Quote by winchwench
A long time ago when I was very skinny I could get into size 26 jeans my best mates parents would always say to me "I bet you have to run round in the shower to get wet"

Please rephrase that to read 26" jeans! :shock:
lol

I had to think about that one for a while hmm not sure what you mean exactly? Now I am a size 48 then i was size 26, I dont get it :lol2: