In very simplistic terms, men abuse their womenfolk to compensate for their own inadequacies and/or repeat what they have learnt from their childhood domestic experiences.
However, today’s education system no longer promotes subservience to the male through the notion that girls should only be taught to be homemakers or typists (secretary is generally a misnomer). That being so, why do so many women still tolerate such animal behaviour, or worse, blame themselves for its occurrence and/or change one partner for another of similar bent?
Just as taking the initiative or being assertive in business requires a very small change in mental attitude, so surely is refusing to be the victim in a violent household.
Comments from both genders will, I hope, make for an interesting and thought-provoking thread
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Why do women allow themselves to be abused?
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Tis a strange thing, is love....
'Cos that's why women (and some men ) put up with abuse everyday - they are in love.
It took me ten years to throw out an alcoholic husband. He didn't hit me but every one of those days he did or said something that made me feel like I was failing him. Even when he laid in bed next to me and urinated on me, I felt it was my fault. Somehow I didn't love him enough and that's why he was doing it.
Love is what makes a victim...
Hxx
'Cos that's why women (and some men ) put up with abuse everyday - they are in love.
It took me ten years to throw out an alcoholic husband. He didn't hit me but every one of those days he did or said something that made me feel like I was failing him. Even when he laid in bed next to me and urinated on me, I felt it was my fault. Somehow I didn't love him enough and that's why he was doing it.
Love is what makes a victim...
Hxx
You beat me to it Vix
Contradiction in terms methinks.
Fear and low self worth stemming from abuse can play a big part, it`s not tolerance.
Venusxxx
why do so many women still tolerate such animal behaviour
or worse, blame themselves for its occurrence and/or change one partner for another of similar bent?
Contradiction in terms methinks.
Fear and low self worth stemming from abuse can play a big part, it`s not tolerance.
Venusxxx
Sex God
Quote by VenusnMars (at )
Urgh, I`m too slow this morning!
Venusxxx
Lol about an hour and a half too slow by the looks of it Venus ;)
At the age of 20 I married an abusive alcholic and was married to him for 6 years. And yes, he beat me even before the nuptuals. In hind-sight I realise I 'allowed' this to happen to me. In my case I think it's was a matter of 'little girl growing up and marring her father.'
Those years now feel like someone elses life to me and no man would DARE lay his hands on me like that ever again!
Those years now feel like someone elses life to me and no man would DARE lay his hands on me like that ever again!
Quote by crosspatch
In very simplistic terms, men abuse their womenfolk to compensate for their own inadequacies and/or repeat what they have learnt from their childhood domestic experiences.
hmmmm....
Not sure about this one.
A bit too much armchair psychology & blanket statements for my liking.
Dx
Many abusersdo follow a pattern learnt in childhood. Others are just born plain evil. I`m not sure about the statement that women `allow` this to happen. Some women for one reason or another are not in a place mentally where they can prevent this. I`m not sure that is the same as `allowing`, that would suggest the capabilty of escape not taken, not all women are capable of this, and sometimes for very real reasons.
Venusxxx
Venusxxx
Firstly, I'd like to say well done to crosspatch for raising such a sensitive issue. I know you feel very strongly about and were very concerned not to offend or upset anyone.
I can only speak from my own experience and those of the people I knowpersonally who have been in a similar situation ...
As we know, abuse isn't always physical; the scars from emotional torture never go away. It's often not the case that the abuse just happens out of the blue. There may be a gradual build-up to it - so slight and seemingly insignificant as to go almost unnoticed. There lies one reason as to why some women allow it to continue. They simply didn't realise it was happening until they wake up and find themselves stuck in a situation with no obvious way out.
One ex of mine (i've had more than one abusive relationship) was an abuser of the emotional kind, although he had his aggressive moments too, I wouldn't go as far as to say it was violence. But then, that might be the victim in me - making excuses, glossing over the facts.
Which brings us to another point - some women don't want to admit it is happening. Let's face it, it's degrading and humiliating and the abuser is making you feel crap and worthless, you don't want others to think the same.
Fear is a great and dangerous emotion. What would happen if I told anyone? What would people think of me? What would he do to me if I left? Where would I go? How would I manage?
Fear is as strong as love - and that's enough to make a person endure any horrible situation. We often forget that men are abused by their partners too. What makes them stay? Love? Fear of being alone? Fear of ridicule from others? The hope that they will change - it won't always be like this?
It took me 3 1/2 years to finally kick out my ex. It wasn't because of fear or love that I endured it. For me, I guess, I felt vulnerable, insecure, thought that this was all i deserved. I did a confidence-building course, kicked him out and have never been happier.
Not long after, I met someone else. He didn't abuse me but he walked all over me. One thing he did do for me was say "If you act like a victim, you'll be treated like one". I dumped him. He was right, though.
I'm sure lots of women have said "If a man ever laid a hand on me, I'd be out the door. He wouldn't get a second chance". Unless you have lived the reality of domestic violence/abuse, you will never know what you would do in that situation.
I can only speak from my own experience and those of the people I knowpersonally who have been in a similar situation ...
As we know, abuse isn't always physical; the scars from emotional torture never go away. It's often not the case that the abuse just happens out of the blue. There may be a gradual build-up to it - so slight and seemingly insignificant as to go almost unnoticed. There lies one reason as to why some women allow it to continue. They simply didn't realise it was happening until they wake up and find themselves stuck in a situation with no obvious way out.
One ex of mine (i've had more than one abusive relationship) was an abuser of the emotional kind, although he had his aggressive moments too, I wouldn't go as far as to say it was violence. But then, that might be the victim in me - making excuses, glossing over the facts.
Which brings us to another point - some women don't want to admit it is happening. Let's face it, it's degrading and humiliating and the abuser is making you feel crap and worthless, you don't want others to think the same.
Fear is a great and dangerous emotion. What would happen if I told anyone? What would people think of me? What would he do to me if I left? Where would I go? How would I manage?
Fear is as strong as love - and that's enough to make a person endure any horrible situation. We often forget that men are abused by their partners too. What makes them stay? Love? Fear of being alone? Fear of ridicule from others? The hope that they will change - it won't always be like this?
It took me 3 1/2 years to finally kick out my ex. It wasn't because of fear or love that I endured it. For me, I guess, I felt vulnerable, insecure, thought that this was all i deserved. I did a confidence-building course, kicked him out and have never been happier.
Not long after, I met someone else. He didn't abuse me but he walked all over me. One thing he did do for me was say "If you act like a victim, you'll be treated like one". I dumped him. He was right, though.
I'm sure lots of women have said "If a man ever laid a hand on me, I'd be out the door. He wouldn't get a second chance". Unless you have lived the reality of domestic violence/abuse, you will never know what you would do in that situation.
Using the word 'allow' assumes a degree of choice on the part of the victim.
As I said, it took me ten years to boot him out the door. I didn't choose to be treated in the manner my ex husband treated me, but I wasn't strong enough to see the bigger picture. And they do say love is blind....
The only way to break the cycle is to realise that violent and or abusive partners are victims too. And they have to realise that and do something about it! My ex had an addictive personality and he still drinks to this day. But I've moved on from feeling it's my problem too...
As I said, it took me ten years to boot him out the door. I didn't choose to be treated in the manner my ex husband treated me, but I wasn't strong enough to see the bigger picture. And they do say love is blind....
The only way to break the cycle is to realise that violent and or abusive partners are victims too. And they have to realise that and do something about it! My ex had an addictive personality and he still drinks to this day. But I've moved on from feeling it's my problem too...
Sorry to but in ladies....
I feel so strong about this, There is NEVER EVER ANY EXCUSE for a guy to abuse or beat his partner. The words coward and insecure ring to mind and if I had a pal who was like this he would be a pal no longer and probably get a dig for it.
To the woman beater, If you are so insecure in your life and your always being put down in your work or by your mates, dont take it out on her...GET YOUR LIFE SORTED OUT or you will continue to be a loser and suffer your insecurity for a long time to come.
Thanks for letting me have a rant
My ad 82788
I feel so strong about this, There is NEVER EVER ANY EXCUSE for a guy to abuse or beat his partner. The words coward and insecure ring to mind and if I had a pal who was like this he would be a pal no longer and probably get a dig for it.
To the woman beater, If you are so insecure in your life and your always being put down in your work or by your mates, dont take it out on her...GET YOUR LIFE SORTED OUT or you will continue to be a loser and suffer your insecurity for a long time to come.
Thanks for letting me have a rant
My ad 82788
He didn't abuse me but he walked all over me. One thing he did do for me was say "If you act like a victim, you'll be treated like one". I dumped him. He was right, though.
Thank you Marya ..... One of the points I was making was that, though it is surpisingly difficult, it takes very little change in mental attitude to realise that one is "allowing" a certain situation to continue and that one can then "choose" to do something about it.
I have nevertheless not worked out why so many women will "choose" to go from one violent relationship straight into another.
Having spoken to quite a few abused women, I`ve found two reasons for this pattern which are quite common. One is that some of these women were abused as a children, and they`ve told me that they are often attracted to controlling characters from the outset (marrying their fathers, as Libra-love mentioned), and the other is that after years of systematic abuse, they never felt they deserved anything better. Yet they often didn`t recognise that they were getting into yet another abusive relationship. Many abusers `warm up` to it, they can be manipulative, and start subtley. Therein lays the control.
As a result, the `very little` mental change you speak of, is not as easy as it might seem to a person on the outside.
I hope that helps
Venusxxx
As a result, the `very little` mental change you speak of, is not as easy as it might seem to a person on the outside.
I hope that helps
Venusxxx
Sex God
First of all :cheers: to everyone who's in here and has left an abusive relationship. Your courage and strength of will should be a beacon of light and hope to anyone else who is in the same situation.
Secondly, there is a really long and drawn out answer that I could offer, but basically it comes down to everyones personel situation and as I'm not in a position to offer any first-hand experience (and also not wanting to make a prat of myself in front of more knowledgable members of the site) I'll say nothing.
As for "allowing" themselves to be in this position, most of these kinds of relationship are about power and after being told day in and day out that you are stupid, ugly, crap and completely worthless, how long would it be before life seemed hopeless and you start to doubt yourself?
I have a quick question for the people that have been in these relationships if they don't mind answering it?
While you were with your abusive partner did they try and isolate you socially ie try and reduce the amount of contact you had with friends and family?
Again a big
to all that have survived one of these "relationships". Many don't. :cry:
Secondly, there is a really long and drawn out answer that I could offer, but basically it comes down to everyones personel situation and as I'm not in a position to offer any first-hand experience (and also not wanting to make a prat of myself in front of more knowledgable members of the site) I'll say nothing.
As for "allowing" themselves to be in this position, most of these kinds of relationship are about power and after being told day in and day out that you are stupid, ugly, crap and completely worthless, how long would it be before life seemed hopeless and you start to doubt yourself?
I have a quick question for the people that have been in these relationships if they don't mind answering it?
While you were with your abusive partner did they try and isolate you socially ie try and reduce the amount of contact you had with friends and family?
Again a big
to all that have survived one of these "relationships". Many don't. :cry: I have a quick question for the people that have been in these relationships if they don't mind answering it?
While you were with your abusive partner did they try and isolate you socially ie try and reduce the amount of contact you had with friends and family?
:
hunni, it's a kinda isolation that's hard to break out of. I even stopped going outside because I believed the neighbours knew my business and blamed me too.
Sex God
Quote by VenusnMars
Having spoken to quite a few abused women, I`ve found two reasons for this pattern which are quite common. One is that some of these women were abused as a children, and they`ve told me that they are often attracted to controlling characters from the outset (marrying their fathers, as Libra-love mentioned), and the other is that after years of systematic abuse, they never felt they deserved anything better.
As a result, the `very little` mental change you speak of, is not as easy as it might seem to a person on the outside.
I hope that helps
Venusxxx
There are a lot of psychological theories that suggest that the pattern for the type of relationships we will have in adult life is formed in our early years. So is it so unreasonable for people who have been abused as children, or witnessed domestic abuse in their childhood, to seek out a partner who is abusive?
It's a difficult subject, and I think that there are lots of well-meaning men who want to make things better, but don't really understand the dynamics of the relationships.
The problem is that many women in abusive relationships don't feel they deserve better, and often feel that the abuse is a form of stability - not in the traditional sense, but in the sense that their self-esteem is so eroded that they cling to the very thing that is destroying them. The idea of a new life without the abuse seems like an impossible dream.
The other problem is that they are often in love with their abusers. And when a person (male or female) is in love, they tend to overlook the negative aspects of their other half.
Most abused women need support, but telling them what to do ("you have to leave him", etc) just reinforces the notion that they are too stupid and weak to make up their own minds. They need to reach their own conclusions and make their own decisions, or else they are just perpetuating the self-myth that they are not in control of their own lives.
The problem is that many women in abusive relationships don't feel they deserve better, and often feel that the abuse is a form of stability - not in the traditional sense, but in the sense that their self-esteem is so eroded that they cling to the very thing that is destroying them. The idea of a new life without the abuse seems like an impossible dream.
The other problem is that they are often in love with their abusers. And when a person (male or female) is in love, they tend to overlook the negative aspects of their other half.
Most abused women need support, but telling them what to do ("you have to leave him", etc) just reinforces the notion that they are too stupid and weak to make up their own minds. They need to reach their own conclusions and make their own decisions, or else they are just perpetuating the self-myth that they are not in control of their own lives.
Quote by easyNot at all. Often people need to learn to love themselves first. To the abused, it`s often the only `love` they have ever known.
There are a lot of psychological theories that suggest that the pattern for the type of relationships we will have in adult life is formed in our early years. So is it so unreasonable for people who have been abused as children, or witnessed domestic abuse in their childhood, to seek out a partner who is abusive?
Venusxxx
Sex God
Quote by Libra-Love
I have a quick question for the people that have been in these relationships if they don't mind answering it?
While you were with your abusive partner did they try and isolate you socially ie try and reduce the amount of contact you had with friends and family?
:
hunni, it's a kinda isolation that's hard to break out of. I even stopped going outside because I believed the neighbours knew my business and blamed me too.
So you're isolated from anyone that could possibly blame the abuser. You've got the abuser repeatedly telling you your worthless and dishing out physical beatings as well.
There's an interesting angle to this. If you read Bravo-Two-Zero Andy McNab talks about torture during his period of capture. He says that most special forces soldiers don't expect to hold out against that level of abuse for longer than a week. We're talking about highly trained soldiers that are about as mentally tough (in some aspects) as you can get andtheyonly expect to last a week.
God only knows how people who are in an abusive relationship go on year after year. *shakes head*
I'd like to pick up on a couple of points raised... and well done, BTW, to Crosspatch as this is proving to be one of the most interesting threads this week!
A male pal of mine finally flipped after months of living with an alcoholic. He thumped her once. He has never hit a woman in his life yet this woman drove him to it. And I heard and witnessed her taunting him so I know he had more than enough provocation. She was using him as a tool to justify her own behaviour. Since then, he has cried like a baby every day because he no longer feels like a man. I'd say he's more a man than a lot I've seen... so can we drop the 'There's no legitmate excuse' line?
Easy raised the question of isolation... oh, for sure! When you're at your wit's end and you turn to your mates, all your mates are full of wise words... but then they shut the door and thank their lucky stars they go home to 'normal' partners - but you are still there living it. And no one can really know what it's like unless they've been there.
Someone will be reading this who is going through these kinds of situations right now. Something somewhere will give you the spark to change all this. The first way out is to stop feeling responsible for your partner, stop taking the blame and start realising it won't get better until you either walk out or your abuser faces his or her own situation. And almost always, the relationship will NEVER recover from abuse so stop hoping that it will!
Live long and may the Force be with you!
Good 'ere, innit? Some folks pay good money to read this kind of stuff...
A male pal of mine finally flipped after months of living with an alcoholic. He thumped her once. He has never hit a woman in his life yet this woman drove him to it. And I heard and witnessed her taunting him so I know he had more than enough provocation. She was using him as a tool to justify her own behaviour. Since then, he has cried like a baby every day because he no longer feels like a man. I'd say he's more a man than a lot I've seen... so can we drop the 'There's no legitmate excuse' line?
Easy raised the question of isolation... oh, for sure! When you're at your wit's end and you turn to your mates, all your mates are full of wise words... but then they shut the door and thank their lucky stars they go home to 'normal' partners - but you are still there living it. And no one can really know what it's like unless they've been there.
Someone will be reading this who is going through these kinds of situations right now. Something somewhere will give you the spark to change all this. The first way out is to stop feeling responsible for your partner, stop taking the blame and start realising it won't get better until you either walk out or your abuser faces his or her own situation. And almost always, the relationship will NEVER recover from abuse so stop hoping that it will!
Live long and may the Force be with you!
Good 'ere, innit? Some folks pay good money to read this kind of stuff...
Heather, abuse works both ways, and from what I know, your friend was a victim of abuse. It was self defense! Not the best approach, and he`s obviously paying for that now, but one which had it`s reasons. It was hardly systematic abuse which destroyed her psyche.
A while ago, a lady here posted that when she finally found the courage to leave her partner, she broke his jaw in the escape, nobody told her she was an abuser as a result. The abuse she received was physical, but mental abuse can be just as damaging.
Venusxxx
A while ago, a lady here posted that when she finally found the courage to leave her partner, she broke his jaw in the escape, nobody told her she was an abuser as a result. The abuse she received was physical, but mental abuse can be just as damaging.
Venusxxx
yes, to the social isolation point...it gets ingrained in you that "no one wants to see your face, you have no friends, you are not worthy of being taken out..." etc. Not being involved in decisions, ie: do you want to come out, go out... being kept without the choices...slowly takes its toll and erodes us... money becomes an issue as the abuser takes it, borrows it, steals it or just avoids any co operation in basic financial management of the home and / or family - the essentials, food, heating etc, to provide the most basic of needs, leaves little to allow personal purchases such as clothes, make up, shoes... thereby fuelling the "look at you, you've let yourself go" theories The thought that we have made our home and often our children with this person, keeps us from going, as does the "need" to not relinquish responsibility for the other half, to continue to nurture the partner and "make them well", not to be seen to fail, not to be the one who gives up or gives in..the erosion of self worth, esteem, confidence is a very slow process, so we don't realise that that's what it is, believing instead that the abuser is right and that "you are going mental, you are mad...". The fact that we often end up in abusive follow up relationships has many reasons... the ones where the next partner knows what we've been through and manipulates this...maybe an aim from the fore.. or ... the fact that often when we meet a new partner, we are so submissive, unassertive and have the persona, character and attitude to always be the one to say sorry, admit guilt , keep house, stay home etc so as to not cause conflict, can portray us as having these "qualities" in our normal characters, quite appealing characteristics sometimes. when we meet people, we often have some of this left in us...thereby being seen to own these characteristics... then the cycle starts again we are seen to be breaking away from "how you were when i met you", again rejected by the very person who perhaps built us up again at the start....the searching out of same type therefore, i feel, is non intentional.
Thank you for starting the thread and taking an interest in domestic and emotional abuse.
Thank you for starting the thread and taking an interest in domestic and emotional abuse.
Sex God
heather, i've stayed out of this thread, because my understanding is limited on this, although it is very close to home! but you've brought up a good point!
once in my life, i found myself in a 5 year relationship, where her sole aim towards the end, seemed to be to belittle me at every opportunity. if i walked away from a row to remove the risk that i might actually snap and hit her, she'd follow me into the street, and do it in public. mostly her belittling was in public, very vocally, and often, among friends and family, who really didn't want to see or hear it, and offered the simple advice leave. it's not so easy when you still love them in spite of all they do though! and yes it does tend to isolate you, cos noone really wants to know about it. it's embarassing for them, as well as us!
fortunately i can swear hand on heart i never lost control like that, because i would have hated myself even more than i did for allowing her issues to become mine in that way. i thought i could be strong, and help her through it, and it was just a bad phase that needed excuses on my part. therein lies the other side of the coin for many women i think. it's about as bad a place as you can be when you love someone who needs to do that to you, yet still you forgive it. and it takes a certain kind of strength to walk away, and leaves a certain kind of guilt!
neil
once in my life, i found myself in a 5 year relationship, where her sole aim towards the end, seemed to be to belittle me at every opportunity. if i walked away from a row to remove the risk that i might actually snap and hit her, she'd follow me into the street, and do it in public. mostly her belittling was in public, very vocally, and often, among friends and family, who really didn't want to see or hear it, and offered the simple advice leave. it's not so easy when you still love them in spite of all they do though! and yes it does tend to isolate you, cos noone really wants to know about it. it's embarassing for them, as well as us!
fortunately i can swear hand on heart i never lost control like that, because i would have hated myself even more than i did for allowing her issues to become mine in that way. i thought i could be strong, and help her through it, and it was just a bad phase that needed excuses on my part. therein lies the other side of the coin for many women i think. it's about as bad a place as you can be when you love someone who needs to do that to you, yet still you forgive it. and it takes a certain kind of strength to walk away, and leaves a certain kind of guilt!
neil
Quote by neilinleeds
heather, i've stayed out of this thread, because my understanding is limited on this, although it is very close to home! but you've brought up a good point!
once in my life, i found myself in a 5 year relationship, where her sole aim towards the end, seemed to be to belittle me at every opportunity. if i walked away from a row to remove the risk that i might actually snap and hit her, she'd follow me into the street, and do it in public. mostly her belittling was in public, very vocally, and often, among friends and family, who really didn't want to see or hear it, and offered the simple advice leave. it's not so easy when you still love them in spite of all they do though! and yes it does tend to isolate you, cos noone really wants to know about it. it's embarassing for them, as well as us!
fortunately i can swear hand on heart i never lost control like that, because i would have hated myself even more than i did for allowing her issues to become mine in that way. i thought i could be strong, and help her through it, and it was just a bad phase that needed excuses on my part. therein lies the other side of the coin for many women i think. it's about as bad a place as you can be when you love someone who needs to do that to you, yet still you forgive it. and it takes a certain kind of strength to walk away, and leaves a certain kind of guilt!
neil
Oh yeah, that`d be that third one
(((Neil)))Venusxxx
Quote by VenusnMars
A while ago, a lady here posted that when she finally found the courage to leave her partner, she broke his jaw in the escape, nobody told her she was an abuser as a result. The abuse she received was physical, but mental abuse can be just as damaging.
Venusxxx
That would be me
I have huge problems over doing it .... how can I complain when I did it back? Albeit once!
I sat and typed stacks and stacks but it was nonsense so I've deleted it.
To use the word allow implies choice. Although technically you do have a choice to stay or go, many many victims do not have this "choice", whilst life is bad staying it gets stacks worse if you choose to leave.
To get support and and an escape mechanism .... you have to justify your needs and claims, you are often humilated in the process, living accommodation is none existent (think b&b), you have no money, the abuser often has opportunity to turn friends and family against you through manipulation etc.
This is not a choice and hence far too many people make the choice to stay and let the abuse continue.
As in many cases ... damned if you stay, damned if you go.
Blimey what a thread!!.... Well done crosspatch...
Like Heather I was married to an alcoholic before I met Steve, and I can relate to every word she said... You start out with such optimism that love can conquer all but at the end of the day only they can make the decision to change.... But, you always feel guilty, that maybe you are somehow to blame for their addiction even when you know that you are not....
The toll that dealing with and "abusive" partner, be it physical or mental is immense and it drags you down.....
Funnily enough my ex is still drinking heavily as well Heather....
Allow is possible an apt word to use because although you dont want to be treated like a nothing, you still love that person, make allowances for them and forgive them... However, we all have a "breaking" point and once that person reaches it then they take back control...
I have what would be described as a confrontational personality, and this stems from a relationship I had in Australia.... It didn't help that I was the other side of the world and basically on my own and the tender age of 21.... This guy was a serious control freak, he would only allow (and trust me those were his words) me to go to work as we needed 2 wages, he wouldn't allow me to go out and on the occasions I was allowed to go out it had to be with him... There were serveral times where we went to the pub with some of his work mates and if I spoke without being spoken to he would lash out and smack me across the face in public... That is the ultimate isolation as I had no-one to turn to at all and no where to go.... He told me I was fat, useless, ugly, crap in bed.... I could go on and on but you get the picture....
The "breaking" point for me??.... My birthday is 2 weeks before christmas and he "bought" me a new car... In other words I paid for it and he took the glory.... So christmas arrives and I have 3 weeks off.... Yippee I thought my first ever brand new car and I can go to the beach, shopping etc.... Wrong!
He informed me that I was not to use the car as he didnt want the KM's clocking up on the car.... I flipped.... Told him that I was going to use the car no matter what he said....
Long story shortened (?) I left with the car keys in my hand (I had the imprint of the keys on the palm of my hand for 3 weeks where I had held on to them tightly so he couldn't get them off me) with finger marks around my neck and alot of bruising to me face and body.... I headed for someone that I knew from work and she looked after me while I got my feet back on the ground....
I am a stronger person for all that has happened to me, and people that know me would not believe that I could let this have happened to me.... Well it just goes to show you, you can never tell...
to all that have contributed to this thread
Shireen
xxx
Like Heather I was married to an alcoholic before I met Steve, and I can relate to every word she said... You start out with such optimism that love can conquer all but at the end of the day only they can make the decision to change.... But, you always feel guilty, that maybe you are somehow to blame for their addiction even when you know that you are not....
The toll that dealing with and "abusive" partner, be it physical or mental is immense and it drags you down.....
Funnily enough my ex is still drinking heavily as well Heather....
Allow is possible an apt word to use because although you dont want to be treated like a nothing, you still love that person, make allowances for them and forgive them... However, we all have a "breaking" point and once that person reaches it then they take back control...
I have what would be described as a confrontational personality, and this stems from a relationship I had in Australia.... It didn't help that I was the other side of the world and basically on my own and the tender age of 21.... This guy was a serious control freak, he would only allow (and trust me those were his words) me to go to work as we needed 2 wages, he wouldn't allow me to go out and on the occasions I was allowed to go out it had to be with him... There were serveral times where we went to the pub with some of his work mates and if I spoke without being spoken to he would lash out and smack me across the face in public... That is the ultimate isolation as I had no-one to turn to at all and no where to go.... He told me I was fat, useless, ugly, crap in bed.... I could go on and on but you get the picture....
The "breaking" point for me??.... My birthday is 2 weeks before christmas and he "bought" me a new car... In other words I paid for it and he took the glory.... So christmas arrives and I have 3 weeks off.... Yippee I thought my first ever brand new car and I can go to the beach, shopping etc.... Wrong!
He informed me that I was not to use the car as he didnt want the KM's clocking up on the car.... I flipped.... Told him that I was going to use the car no matter what he said....
Long story shortened (?) I left with the car keys in my hand (I had the imprint of the keys on the palm of my hand for 3 weeks where I had held on to them tightly so he couldn't get them off me) with finger marks around my neck and alot of bruising to me face and body.... I headed for someone that I knew from work and she looked after me while I got my feet back on the ground....
I am a stronger person for all that has happened to me, and people that know me would not believe that I could let this have happened to me.... Well it just goes to show you, you can never tell...
to all that have contributed to this threadShireen
xxx
