Its impossible to answer as the question is too huge . Fact is before you discussed it you would have to have the posers definition of abuse . Since everyones perception of it differs , and many would argue that if the individual perceived their experiences as abuse then that is what they are .
Its worth remembering that what for many women in society would be perceived as abuse would for many of the women here at SH be looked upon as a good night out !
LOL i hear the sizzle.
Nope i dont want to discuss any of them , in fact im not qualified or motivated to do so . I certainly wouldnt suggest that the people here havent been abused , in any event they all perceive that they have been so by either definition they have been.
I just think its such a very very complex subject that it almost certainly needs discussion on an individual level and since any decent human being would have the basics of what 'absolute abuse ' consists of ingrained in their psyche then any general discussion is almost inevitably bound to be a fruitless round of collective agreement.
Peace x
G pauses not wishing to be burned again , and goes quiet for some moments to re-read the thread and check for insight .
BRB xx
Hehe
i have no idea when youre editing , my multiplicity of talents do not extend to psychic ability . If you wanna burn me , then mind your fingers cos im teflon !
OK ill accept that its possible yer man may be able to take some insight from what has been said . I also accept that the people posting are doing their best in every way to voice their own experience , but truth is - as youve said in not so many words yourself in the thread- they probably dont know their reasons really themselves.
You use the word dissect like its an insult , but surely a question of this magnitude requires at least some level of dissection otherwise its redundant . To say that individuals put up with such treatment because they are ' in love' has no more real worth than just saying they put up with it because they 'like it' .both statements can only be of worth in his understanding if he can appreciate what each and every individuals definition of those words is (and a thousand years of poetry and prose has failed to define at least one of them) .
I hope he did learn something , or at least someone did . I suppose if nothing else we all learned a little about how people answer questions .
Slightly Singed but not Bowed
G xx
So it's down to ones definition of abuse? Bullsh*t! Does the abuse alway have to be extreem (in most cases it is pretty severe) before it's recognised as abuse?
Well one example would be the `vunerable` person who doesn`t see they are being abused. If they don`t see it as abuse, is it abuse if they don`t feel abused? Then the person who dishes out abusive behaviour, but isn`t aware it`s abuse, is it abuse if they are not meaning it as such............
I know, that doesn`t actually explainanything, but it is an icky subject that is out there!
How about people who are into serious and sometimes harmful S&M, sometimesit can be a product of early abuse, should this be rectified? Or is the sexual outlet an acceptable way of dealing with these issues?
Or the person who sends a PM with the words `I`ll kill you for that` in big red bold writing. Ones persons abuse, anothers term of expression!
But as I am stepping into `armchair psychology` territory and don`t wish to be flamed, I`ll shuddup now! :uhoh:
Venusxxx
Can someone please explain to me how a person abusing another person could not know they are being abusive?
I get the bit where you can be abused by not recognise it as abuse (been there). So please explain the above to me and them I'm not coming back to this thread. I fear if I do I'll be on the next plane back to SA to take out a whole generation!
Thanks for that Calista. But as you point out, you recognised your behavior as abuse. Good on you for finishing it before it exculated. Even children have the savey to know when they're being abusive (bullying).
Aarrrgggghhhhh.... :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
Now I'm off for a stiff drink before my head explodes!
Not an expert and I don't want this to be seen as sexist but there is a lot of focus on physical abuse in the media, which is more obvious and easy to evidence than psychological abuse.
Recently I saw a statistic that 16% of men in relationships suffered abuse. Quite frankly I think if psychological abuse was properly reflected I think that stat would be much higher judging by what I see in the office every day.
Exactly Venus!
People say there is no excuse to abuse, and they're absolutely right ......... But often there is a reason behind it.
Lame example but, my ex was 'the man of the house' in the only way he knew how - by acting like his father.
Good point TE. I think that 16% is probably a low estimate, as, even in this day and age, it is still not taken as seriously as women being abused - so men don't come forward. What gets my heckles up is women that are constantly abusive towards their partners. Then when the guy defends himself she runs off telling everyone that he hit her and then plays the victim. They have no idea what it's like to be abused and are just playing on the sympathy and drama of it all!
I have never been or have never abused so don't really know what it's like to be in that situation.I can imagine though and it must be terrible.
I find it hard to imagine why someone who loves someone else can do that sort of thing though.I would never and have never imagined raising my hand to Clare,i love asnd cherrish her,thus all i want for her is the very best,so why would i ever want to hurt her.
I know this adds nothing to this debate or explains why people do it,i just wanted to put that.
Well Crosspatch what a thread you started here. The replies are really amazing and powerful. I'm sitting here shaking. The experiences of some of you folk would be so valuable to anyone suffering from an abusive partner. Thank you for sharing them with us. There's also a wealth of deep thinking amongst you all.
Ive never understood the need to hurt anyone myself, but the other half does enjoy playing at being abused in "the nicest sought of way". Don't know the psychology of that and she doesn't either but does that make it just a bad as the real thing ?
Jethro
I have been away overnight and am staggered by the (generally) sensible and sensitive response that my thread has provoked…… When I have had time to reread everything and got my further thoughts together, I will post again.
In the meantime …… When constructing the hypothesis, I was fully aware that I was taking a very simplistic approach to a very complex problem, and indeed I stated as much ….. Nevertheless, I will still maintain that the victim has a choice whether or not to remain in a violent relationship.
I equally accept that it may take a long time, an outside catalyst or a number of other factors before it actually dawns on the victim that he/she has such a choice …… But more later, with luck today.
As some of the posters here pointed out (male and female) there is a choice, those who posted took it. However, until that strength and understanding is reached, which you rightly point out, that choice is simply not there for the victim. I think it should be emphasised how unavailable this choice is to those who are isolated and abused, for suggesting otherwise could seem to some to be suggesting it`s asked for. I know that`s not what you are doing Crosspatch, I`m just pointing out how careful one should be with the wording.
Think of it as say, discovering electricity, it`s always been out there, but until it was harnessed, noone used it. Did these people choose not to use it, or were they simply unaware?
Venusxxx
. 
. When you are told things that you are or are not and spoke to and treat in a certain way, you start to believe it is true and act accordingly. As I had grown older and flown the nest, two long term relationships later and after a lot of soul searching, I realised my own worth and started to live accordingly. When my own children were born, I had made a mental note not to act/behave that way towards my children and ensure their safety and happiness at all times. 
). As soon as my ex realised he ran away :shock: 
)
